krhea75

So here's my vent...I opened my son's mail today from the secretary of state and found out that he had lied to me. He had been arrested in June for illegal consumption, went to court and lost his license all without me knowing about it. He had told me some lie about the court date.

Now he will most probably have his probation revoked and have to serve the jail time. Which will lead to phone calls with him crying to me. Which will lead to me being on a mental roller coaster.

I am so disappointed in him. This ticket/arrest happened three days after he wrecked my car in June, costing me a $500 deductible and 3 weeks without my car. He just continually screws up after all the time and money and love and care I have put into his life.

I texted him to come over tonight and he called me and wanted to know why. He was busy and didn't have time to come see me tonight. So I'm having a meltdown. Crying, upset, angry....talk me down friends.

krhea

IPT

Boy, I am new in these parts, but I can relate to the pain of feeling misled and lied too. I would be feeling all the things you are too. Hopefully someone with a lot more experience will come along and shed some light on how best to manage all those emotions....I'm sorry I don't have more to offer you but a virtual hug

Callie

Totally understand your frustration. The lies are something aren't they? The only thing that I can say is what everyone keeps trying to pound in my head....If you're going to keep dancing the dance, you're going to keep getting your toes stepped on. He obviously keeps "screwing up" because you're there to put things back together for him.

I'm not familiar with your story, but they're all the same on here aren't they? An addict will always choose his addiction first. My only advice is detach. If he gets himself in jail, do not take his calls or only take them 1x a week. Hugs to you, this isn't fair - it's not fair to ANY of us dealing with addiction.

marle

I remember the feeling of catching my daughter in a lie. I guess the only thing that I can tell you is that separating my daughter from her addict self and realizing that what she was doing was not meant to hurt me but part of her sickness really helped me a lot. Try and do something that you know will help to calm you down. Hugs, Marle

LynziDee

krhea,
Sorry to hear of the drama going on in your life right now! I guess the best thing to remember is eventually things do get better. I am hoping and praying for you and your family! and am sending HUGE hugs to you to make it thru this difficult time!

Hope your evening goes well, regardless if your AS comes over or not! My favorite thing to do is relax in the tub, and of course I like to lock the door, as I have little ones who love to "visit" while I'm in the tub!!


Lynzi Dee

Spiritual Seeker

Remember our tool of detachment.
If he goes back to jail then that is the conseq. he needs. You do NOT need to accept his calls from Jail. You don't need to stay in the chaos.

As disappointing as the way he lives his life is, you have the choice to let it be his stress and not your own.

In the future don't open his mail. Turn his life back over to him.
It sounds like this is a good time to practice the tools of detachment.

Let go and Let God my friend.

StillLearning1

(((k)))
Sorry this is happening. It's okay to be mad, sad, scared. My sponser once told me, anger is a feeling, not a way of life! Try to remember this is him- his stuff, not yours.

ladyamalthea

((Khrea))

I hate that he has made such bad decisions. The thing that is really sticking out to me about your post though, is that this will lead to this which will lead to that and then more of this... it sounds like you're thinking awfully far ahead of things. Remember the phrase "One day at a time." Just for today, he will be put in a situation where there is absolutely nothing he can try to make you do to rescue him. Just for today, he is going to have to answer for his actions. You see this as a bad thing, I see the possible potential for him to turn around because of this. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be forced to see that there are some things in life that no one can get him out of but himself.

Either way, are you doing yourself any good by worrying about this now? Is you worrying going to make him face any less, or any more, time in jail? Is he going to learn a lesson because you are worried?

I know it sounds like I'm being overly simplistic, and I can only imagine how I would feel if I was in your shoes. But just remember that just for today you have the option of remaining strong in your recovery, regardless of the mistakes your son makes. Just for today, you have the power to advance in your own recovery, so that when he finally gets through all of this, you will have the strength you need to be what he needs you to be.

You are so strong, and I learn so much from you. I know you can get through this. We're all behind you! And you're in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

*hugs*

krhea75

thanks everyone, I needed to hear all of that. I know I keep predicting what will happen and I do need to just stay in today. I want to talk to him from a place of strength, not a screaming, out of control mother. I'm getting there thanks to your words. I think I'll go run the bath now....
krhea

Callie

It's so hard to detach when you love someone so much - isn't it?? I feel for you - enjoy your bath and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

krhea75

Thanks Callie

Ann

Sweetie, it's his behaviour and he owns the outcome. I know how much it hurts because I've been there, but the thing is, awfulizing about tomorrow never changed the outcome one bit and in the end I found out things rarely turned out the way I thought they would.

Meltdowns are nasty, maybe pamper yourself for a day tomorrow and just rest or do what you want to to and banish all thoughts of him or the future.

Hugs

krhea75

Thanks Ann, that felt like a big hug.
krhea

patchoulli

big hug from me too...

Ann

It was. :ghug3

rozied

You know as long as you help him he will let you down. Its the nature of the beast.

lil516

Krhea

I hope you are feeling better this morning....

One thing I know from my experience with my RAS is that I needed to stop getting angry and feeling personally attacked (easier said than done!)
that helped me to react in a beneficial way rather than have a knee-jerk reaction...

sometimes the beneficial way was to say "I can't help you with this" or "No you can't come home....yet"

as my son has moved along in recovery he has commented on the past...
"I can't believe how much you put up with!"
once he even said while discussing a particularly crazy incident "I was on drugs! What was wrong with you?!"

enough time had passed that we actually laughed at that observation!

I guess what I am trying to say is Hang in there....
I am always going to help my son do the next right thing
the screw-ups he can do alone

please know you and your son are in my prayers today (and always)

be well my friend

beegee

Krhea,
Of course I am sorry to read this and feel your pain and dissapointment in AS. I think they tell us to be prepared for the worst..But it seems to take us by suprise no matter how hard we try. ((((hugs))) He made a bad decision and he got caught, now he can be suprised by you and your decisions. Take care of you first..and I am learning right along with you. I like what she said above " I am always going to help my son do the next right thing, the screw ups he can do alone" It sounds good.

Impurrfect

(((khrea)))

Sorry he's still acting like an addict. You got some great ES&H above, so I'm just going to send you lots of hugs and prayers!

Amy

lil516

Krhea,
How are you tonight?

I read your words and think you've got the right idea here...it's especially important to define (for yourself) what strength means...

for me, it means serenity and patient acceptance.....
accepting that this is his path and this is how it is (for now) can help to keep you off the roller coaster (Oh how I hate that ride!!)


I have been thinking about you