Update - LONG
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Update - LONG
Thought I'd give an update.
We went out and ate and got ice cream Thursday night and talked and talked. He was very patient answering all of my questions, listening to me be angry at him, took full responsibility for things.
Told me that there is nothing between him and the OW (remember she is the recently divorced mother of the son AH gave up his parental rights to 16 years ago- after OW getting pregnant after a few, the boy recently found him and they now have a father/son relationship), that he did not want a relationhip with her at all, other than her being the boy's mother.
Apparently that night she spent at his house with her kids (she was really drunk - had gon out to a bar near AH's apt, got drunk and then called AH for a ride home), they watched a movie and she spent most of the night and morning throwing up, while AH went to bed.
Anyway you look at it, it was totally inappropriate, but he swears nothing happened, no kissing, no touching, nothing.
He says she wants to have a relationship with him, he has told her he is not interested each time she has brought it up.
I KNEW when she first contacted him about meeting the boy that she was going to chase after him. She was in the middle of a nasty divorce and she immediately starting giving him all kinds of details about her marriage and life and just generally acting inappropriately for the situation.
I told him when she first started contacting him that she ws interested in him, because as a woman, we can tell these things. Of course he denied it, but looking back at it all now he sees it all clearly. He says his only interest was in meeting the boy and building a relationship with him.
So, anyhow, I told him thank you for explaining and answering the questions, I told him that anyone adding up the facts on a piece of paper would come to the same conclusions as I did and he agreed.
I asked him what he was going to do to try and fix the situation with this woman since she will be in our lives to some extent because of the boy.
He said he wants us to meet with her and he will tell her in front of me that he is not now and never was interested in having a relationship with her, that he loves me, his wife, and is working hard on rebuilding our relationship. That the Fathers Day card she gave him was totally inappropriate and to not give him anything like that again, that the night she spent at his house should have never happened and was totally inappropriate, and that any contact he has to have with her will be with me present - such as going to her house to pick up the boy, or returning him, ect...
He says he is giving up his relationships with his buddies that drink/drug, says he knows he is going to have to totally rebuild his life, says he will right all the wrongs, ect, ect, ect.
This is day three of being sober, he is trying to keep really busy.
Last night we did go to the church recovery worship service, which is followed by him going to the men's substance abuse group and me going to the codependency group.
He stayed 45 mins after the group ended talking and praying with the other members. He walked out and looked at me with a big smile on his face and said "wow!" Said it was amazing, that everything that was discussed seemed to be tailored exactly to what he needed to hear, that everyone was so friendly and welcoming, that he spoke and participated.
Said it was different from the regular AA meetings as everyone there last night seemed to be happy to be there - that he really needs the faith based aspect of it too.
He said we definitely need to make it our Friday night "date."
Monday he says he is going to try and get into the outpatient treament program, or wherever the insurance company dictates he go.
He knows he needs lots of support and needs a meeting at least once a day for a long time.
Says he is scared that he will fail despite him not wanting to. Says he is scared that he will hurt me again.
Basically he has talked and talked and it all sounds so good.
I KNOW time will tell and he HAS TO take action. I know this is probably all
a recovery "high," and will fade.
Said he went home last night and started reading the Recovery Edition Bible I had bought him so many months ago.
It's really nice to see the little bit of progress.
He knows I am so, so, so skeptical and untrusting.
Knows there is a very long, hard road ahead but wants to try.
I just smile and say that I know he has it in him to do it and that I hope he will. I told him that I will support him as much as I can but I can not do it for him, that I will not put my life on hold and I am moving forward. I told him I've already done the hard work of separating from him and grieving the loss of our relationship and marriage, that I am prepared to file for divorce.
There is more that we talked about but I have to run, I feel it went really well & he was sincere. I know him better than I think he knows himself and can always see through the b-s, I really think he is serious.
I hope he can get his life together and throw himself in his recovery/sobriety.
But time will tell.
I am being very cautious, and getting on with my life - ie; looking for a JOB as a NURSE this week, ect...
We went out and ate and got ice cream Thursday night and talked and talked. He was very patient answering all of my questions, listening to me be angry at him, took full responsibility for things.
Told me that there is nothing between him and the OW (remember she is the recently divorced mother of the son AH gave up his parental rights to 16 years ago- after OW getting pregnant after a few, the boy recently found him and they now have a father/son relationship), that he did not want a relationhip with her at all, other than her being the boy's mother.
Apparently that night she spent at his house with her kids (she was really drunk - had gon out to a bar near AH's apt, got drunk and then called AH for a ride home), they watched a movie and she spent most of the night and morning throwing up, while AH went to bed.
Anyway you look at it, it was totally inappropriate, but he swears nothing happened, no kissing, no touching, nothing.
He says she wants to have a relationship with him, he has told her he is not interested each time she has brought it up.
I KNEW when she first contacted him about meeting the boy that she was going to chase after him. She was in the middle of a nasty divorce and she immediately starting giving him all kinds of details about her marriage and life and just generally acting inappropriately for the situation.
I told him when she first started contacting him that she ws interested in him, because as a woman, we can tell these things. Of course he denied it, but looking back at it all now he sees it all clearly. He says his only interest was in meeting the boy and building a relationship with him.
So, anyhow, I told him thank you for explaining and answering the questions, I told him that anyone adding up the facts on a piece of paper would come to the same conclusions as I did and he agreed.
I asked him what he was going to do to try and fix the situation with this woman since she will be in our lives to some extent because of the boy.
He said he wants us to meet with her and he will tell her in front of me that he is not now and never was interested in having a relationship with her, that he loves me, his wife, and is working hard on rebuilding our relationship. That the Fathers Day card she gave him was totally inappropriate and to not give him anything like that again, that the night she spent at his house should have never happened and was totally inappropriate, and that any contact he has to have with her will be with me present - such as going to her house to pick up the boy, or returning him, ect...
He says he is giving up his relationships with his buddies that drink/drug, says he knows he is going to have to totally rebuild his life, says he will right all the wrongs, ect, ect, ect.
This is day three of being sober, he is trying to keep really busy.
Last night we did go to the church recovery worship service, which is followed by him going to the men's substance abuse group and me going to the codependency group.
He stayed 45 mins after the group ended talking and praying with the other members. He walked out and looked at me with a big smile on his face and said "wow!" Said it was amazing, that everything that was discussed seemed to be tailored exactly to what he needed to hear, that everyone was so friendly and welcoming, that he spoke and participated.
Said it was different from the regular AA meetings as everyone there last night seemed to be happy to be there - that he really needs the faith based aspect of it too.
He said we definitely need to make it our Friday night "date."
Monday he says he is going to try and get into the outpatient treament program, or wherever the insurance company dictates he go.
He knows he needs lots of support and needs a meeting at least once a day for a long time.
Says he is scared that he will fail despite him not wanting to. Says he is scared that he will hurt me again.
Basically he has talked and talked and it all sounds so good.
I KNOW time will tell and he HAS TO take action. I know this is probably all
a recovery "high," and will fade.
Said he went home last night and started reading the Recovery Edition Bible I had bought him so many months ago.
It's really nice to see the little bit of progress.
He knows I am so, so, so skeptical and untrusting.
Knows there is a very long, hard road ahead but wants to try.
I just smile and say that I know he has it in him to do it and that I hope he will. I told him that I will support him as much as I can but I can not do it for him, that I will not put my life on hold and I am moving forward. I told him I've already done the hard work of separating from him and grieving the loss of our relationship and marriage, that I am prepared to file for divorce.
There is more that we talked about but I have to run, I feel it went really well & he was sincere. I know him better than I think he knows himself and can always see through the b-s, I really think he is serious.
I hope he can get his life together and throw himself in his recovery/sobriety.
But time will tell.
I am being very cautious, and getting on with my life - ie; looking for a JOB as a NURSE this week, ect...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
It sounds like you had a good talk, and he is making some effort to change. I'll pray that you continue to do what is best for you and that he will do the same. (((HUGS))) Time will tell if this is the real deal. Hang in there! Hope you get a job this week!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
From my vantage point, it appears that he went fishing and reeled you in hook, line, and sinker. Why do I say this? Because the entire post was about HIM and how HE'S going to change.
Do I believe the BS he fed you? Not one bit.
This is why it's dangerous for co-dependent partners to step onto the dance floor with active addicts. Once the music starts to play, the dance begins again.
Do I believe the BS he fed you? Not one bit.
This is why it's dangerous for co-dependent partners to step onto the dance floor with active addicts. Once the music starts to play, the dance begins again.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
From my vantage point, it appears that he went fishing and reeled you in hook, line, and sinker. Why do I say this? Because the entire post was about HIM and how HE'S going to change.
Do I believe the BS he fed you? Not one bit.
This is why it's dangerous for co-dependent partners to step onto the dance floor with active addicts. Once the music starts to play, the dance begins again.
Do I believe the BS he fed you? Not one bit.
This is why it's dangerous for co-dependent partners to step onto the dance floor with active addicts. Once the music starts to play, the dance begins again.
However there are some big differences in the situation now.
First and most importantly, I no longer feel that I can't live without him, I know I can. I am not the same desperate, clinging person who has to have him in my life.
Second I am not even sure I want to or can truly continue on in a marriage/love relationship with him and he knows this.
I am willing to stand by him and support him while he attempts sobriety and getting himself some serious help. I will be a friend to him, however we are still seperated.
After time shows that he is serious and is making progress without my involvement, without my help, then we can give "us" a try in therapy, ect.
We've not been in this place before, he's never tried to get himself help.
For my peace of mind, I want to be sure of feeling that I did everything I could possibly
do to prevent the total collapse of our marriage and family.
I also feel and told him that I will not be giving up myself at the alter of him any longer. I am moving on with my life, with or without him.
Its all in his hands now, the ball is in his court.
No matter what he does I am living my life, doing what I need to do for myself and my children, which includes therapy and codependency groups, ect.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I completely agree with FD.
He knows exactly what to say to make you believe that everything is going ot be okay. How long is this so called "attempt" at recovery going to last? And, if it doesn't are you prepared to REALLY move forward without him, like you said?
Sounds like manipulation to me.
He knows exactly what to say to make you believe that everything is going ot be okay. How long is this so called "attempt" at recovery going to last? And, if it doesn't are you prepared to REALLY move forward without him, like you said?
Sounds like manipulation to me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
However there are some big differences in the situation now.
I'm certainly glad he is is taking steps in a positive direction, but only time will tell. You say you can live without him. I applaud that too. Sure, you can support his steps towards recovery but all I know about, in detail, is HIS recovery.
So what are you doing for YOUR RECOVERY today? I have sparse details about that.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by prodigal
These big differences have transpired over a period of weeks. Change takes years. A month ago, he was leaving his own child alone in his apartment while he went out to a bar.
I'm certainly glad he is is taking steps in a positive direction, but only time will tell. You say you can live without him. I applaud that too. Sure, you can support his steps towards recovery but all I know about, in detail, is HIS recovery.
So what are you doing for YOUR RECOVERY today? I have sparse details about that.
I'm certainly glad he is is taking steps in a positive direction, but only time will tell. You say you can live without him. I applaud that too. Sure, you can support his steps towards recovery but all I know about, in detail, is HIS recovery.
So what are you doing for YOUR RECOVERY today? I have sparse details about that.
The way I feel about it, the feelings of desperation without him, the weak feelings, ect.
I meant the dynamics have changed and I am in a different place now than I was then, which is allowing me to deal with this - whether it ends well or not in a MUCH better, much stronger place.
I think I posted about my recovery, the Friday night recovery worship and fatih based codepency meetings, online here, and private therapy.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Hi Strongerwoman,
Good luck with all of this!!
I hope it works out in whatever way makes you truly happy and fulfilled.
I know a lot people are concerned about you and worried that your husband is being manipulative. Only you are in the position to make the best decision for you. I think you are right that you have changed a lot and are truly a "strongerwoman". Trust your gut and and yourself and continue to make "life-affirming" (a concept I learned in yoga) decisions.
We all support you and wish you the best.
How is the job hunt going, Ms Nurse?
Good luck with all of this!!
I hope it works out in whatever way makes you truly happy and fulfilled.
I know a lot people are concerned about you and worried that your husband is being manipulative. Only you are in the position to make the best decision for you. I think you are right that you have changed a lot and are truly a "strongerwoman". Trust your gut and and yourself and continue to make "life-affirming" (a concept I learned in yoga) decisions.
We all support you and wish you the best.
How is the job hunt going, Ms Nurse?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You are right, strongerwoman, and I stand corrected. You posted on May 30 that you planned to attend your first 12-step meeting at a church. Prior to that, you mentioned that you had attempted marriage therapy briefly, but your AH would walk out when he did not want to listen.
So I would like to hear from you how you, personally, feel the dynamics have changed between you and your AH. As FD mentioned, she felt you were being fed a line of B.S., and suzieq called what he is doing "manipulation."
I'd like to hear your perspective and thoughts on this.
So I would like to hear from you how you, personally, feel the dynamics have changed between you and your AH. As FD mentioned, she felt you were being fed a line of B.S., and suzieq called what he is doing "manipulation."
I'd like to hear your perspective and thoughts on this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
(((strongerwoman)))
It does sound like you had a break- through discussion with your AH. I can see where everyone including you would be skeptical about his motives... but truly I think everyone who has been involved with an A knows its not the words but its the actions that truly reveal an A's motives or any person for that matter.
I think you are on the right course for yourself in taking care of your needs and continuing with your recovery. If your AH continues on his path of recovery you will need your program to hold you together and be able to be a healthy support to him instead of an enabling support system. As a codi myself I can get sucked back in to enabling and rescuing even in the sobriety moments. It's his fight with his own addiction and he has his own choices to make... I'm just practicing Live and Let Live and continuing on my journey.
Stay strong and focused on you... your AH will either get it or he won't and you will know what direction to move with him when the time comes. For now... enjoy giving you that personal attention you deserve.
Peace,
aj
It does sound like you had a break- through discussion with your AH. I can see where everyone including you would be skeptical about his motives... but truly I think everyone who has been involved with an A knows its not the words but its the actions that truly reveal an A's motives or any person for that matter.
I think you are on the right course for yourself in taking care of your needs and continuing with your recovery. If your AH continues on his path of recovery you will need your program to hold you together and be able to be a healthy support to him instead of an enabling support system. As a codi myself I can get sucked back in to enabling and rescuing even in the sobriety moments. It's his fight with his own addiction and he has his own choices to make... I'm just practicing Live and Let Live and continuing on my journey.
Stay strong and focused on you... your AH will either get it or he won't and you will know what direction to move with him when the time comes. For now... enjoy giving you that personal attention you deserve.
Peace,
aj
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I found that my attempts to be supportive of Richard's recovery only kept me emotionally tied to him and did more harm to me than good. And looking back on the situation, I realize that my attempts to help him recover were really manipulations on my part--I was trying to mold him into the man of my dreams.
I've since learned that the best way to be supportive of an alcoholic making attempts at recovery (for whatever reason) is to stay detached and do it from a safe distance, to ask my HP to watch over him, and let it go. That's the safest and healthiest support I can offer.
I've since learned that the best way to be supportive of an alcoholic making attempts at recovery (for whatever reason) is to stay detached and do it from a safe distance, to ask my HP to watch over him, and let it go. That's the safest and healthiest support I can offer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
This is so very sad to me to read threads like this. I have just been there so many times.
My husband had an affair, I only know to well the pain and anxiety and desperation I mean real desperation to want to believe the best and believe that there was never any sex, there was just kissing. I wanted to this day to believe it, but in my mind I dont believe him and I will never trust him again, ever.
My husband was going to do anything to save our relationship, anything, stop drinking, whatever I wanted, the problem was is that he was doing this for me, and not for himself.
As long as your husband is doing this for anyone else then himself, I have found in my marriage it is doomed for failure.
The one thing that I did truly believe in my heart that my husband really wanted to be the person that I wanted him to be (Please reread that first sentence). I so badly wanted to believe it was for HIM and things would be different, but his addiction won and will always win until he is ready to find recovery only for himself.
It is my job to work my recovery.
My husband had an affair, I only know to well the pain and anxiety and desperation I mean real desperation to want to believe the best and believe that there was never any sex, there was just kissing. I wanted to this day to believe it, but in my mind I dont believe him and I will never trust him again, ever.
My husband was going to do anything to save our relationship, anything, stop drinking, whatever I wanted, the problem was is that he was doing this for me, and not for himself.
As long as your husband is doing this for anyone else then himself, I have found in my marriage it is doomed for failure.
The one thing that I did truly believe in my heart that my husband really wanted to be the person that I wanted him to be (Please reread that first sentence). I so badly wanted to believe it was for HIM and things would be different, but his addiction won and will always win until he is ready to find recovery only for himself.
It is my job to work my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
I think it is great that he is attempting to make positive changes. Lets hope he sticks to them - he does have to do it for himself not for you or the kids or it will be short lived.
"any contact he has to have with her will be with me present - such as going to her house to pick up the boy, or returning him, ect"
If you go by this above comment you made - then in your heart you do not belive that nothing happened between them.
Please let us know once you have had the face to face meetign with the three of you and he admits to what did or did not happen.
"any contact he has to have with her will be with me present - such as going to her house to pick up the boy, or returning him, ect"
If you go by this above comment you made - then in your heart you do not belive that nothing happened between them.
Please let us know once you have had the face to face meetign with the three of you and he admits to what did or did not happen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
He stayed 45 mins after the group ended talking and praying with the other members. He walked out and looked at me with a big smile on his face and said "wow!" Said it was amazing, that everything that was discussed seemed to be tailored exactly to what he needed to hear, that everyone was so friendly and welcoming, that he spoke and participated.
I hope everything works out in the best possible outcome for *you*, no matter what that may be
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Thanks for all the responses.
I'm grumpy & very stressed, so I wont be responding today since I'm not in a good frame of mind.
I had to put my kitten down Sunday to the tune of $179 which took all of my money except for $4, my water got turned off yesterday and now my phone service got shut off a few minutes ago.
I am awaiting my new provisional license from the state board of nursing to complete my 120 hour internship with - which will hopefully just lead to a fulltime position.
Sheesh, even if I had a job interview to go to I wouldnt be able to wash clothes, or take a shower. And now no one can even call to schedule an interview.
My almost 18yo daughter needs $600 for college before Aug 15 or she can not start, which is really, really stressing me out too! Her father (my 1st husband) will not contribute because he just bought a big, new house and so he is "broke." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.And oh yeah, all the kids need school supplies and all that for back to school on Aug 13.
I.am.so.sick.of.living.like.this.
I am SO close to not living like this, yet still so far.
Going to pout and cry now.....
I'm grumpy & very stressed, so I wont be responding today since I'm not in a good frame of mind.
I had to put my kitten down Sunday to the tune of $179 which took all of my money except for $4, my water got turned off yesterday and now my phone service got shut off a few minutes ago.
I am awaiting my new provisional license from the state board of nursing to complete my 120 hour internship with - which will hopefully just lead to a fulltime position.
Sheesh, even if I had a job interview to go to I wouldnt be able to wash clothes, or take a shower. And now no one can even call to schedule an interview.
My almost 18yo daughter needs $600 for college before Aug 15 or she can not start, which is really, really stressing me out too! Her father (my 1st husband) will not contribute because he just bought a big, new house and so he is "broke." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.And oh yeah, all the kids need school supplies and all that for back to school on Aug 13.
I.am.so.sick.of.living.like.this.
I am SO close to not living like this, yet still so far.
Going to pout and cry now.....
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Hang in there...this too shall pass. I'm right there with you! When may I ask did a "free" public school education start to cost so much???! Both boys have to be pre-registered by 8/1...($615.00). August 21st is actual registration and book buy ($60.00 per course X 5 courses) plus PE uniforms plus locks plus back packs and school supplies...adds up to over $1200.00 not including clothes, shoes and lunches, let alone sports fees and physicals. How the heck are people expected to do it?
We always manage somehow!
We always manage somehow!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I didnt have the money to give to my daughter for her to start college either, it was very distressing to me. I was so worried, but there are things you can do, your daughter will not get turned down for financial aid.
Just last year was my daughter first semester in a community college, we filled out a FASFA form on line and she was approved. it took a long time, but she made it through her first year.
I would go as soon as you can and fill out this form for help.
I get very overwhelmed with three kids to care for and school clothes and school supplies, but take it one day to a time. I have one month left before school starts so I am going to pick up a couple things to a time. Pencils and pens one time, Crayons the next ect......
I am really sorry to hear about your kitten, that is really sad. Your kitten had such a good mom to take him to the vet and get him put down, instead of having to suffer with whatever he may have had.
Things can seem really hard at times I know, I had my electric shut off when I had a 7 year old and a 3 year old. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If you go to social services, they sometimes can get those things turned back on for you and I know that they can give you emergency food stamps just for one month to get you buy until you can get on your feet.
Through my first divorce I had no choice but to go and get emergency food stamps and I got help for I think it was two months, and after two months I got back on my feet and stopped everything except health insurance for my young kids.
Just last year was my daughter first semester in a community college, we filled out a FASFA form on line and she was approved. it took a long time, but she made it through her first year.
I would go as soon as you can and fill out this form for help.
I get very overwhelmed with three kids to care for and school clothes and school supplies, but take it one day to a time. I have one month left before school starts so I am going to pick up a couple things to a time. Pencils and pens one time, Crayons the next ect......
I am really sorry to hear about your kitten, that is really sad. Your kitten had such a good mom to take him to the vet and get him put down, instead of having to suffer with whatever he may have had.
Things can seem really hard at times I know, I had my electric shut off when I had a 7 year old and a 3 year old. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If you go to social services, they sometimes can get those things turned back on for you and I know that they can give you emergency food stamps just for one month to get you buy until you can get on your feet.
Through my first divorce I had no choice but to go and get emergency food stamps and I got help for I think it was two months, and after two months I got back on my feet and stopped everything except health insurance for my young kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry life is giving you a kick in the pants today. {hugs}
Perhaps contact your church for help. Or social services. There may be a number of agencies or people who can help you past this rough patch.
Perhaps contact your church for help. Or social services. There may be a number of agencies or people who can help you past this rough patch.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Hey "Stronger"
I just read your post today. First, I want to commend you on your courage, and I have to say there is a special place in heaven for you, and other spouses/partners that have decided that their marriages/situations deserve every opportunity to work.
I'm going to send you a PM, but what I publicly want to say to you, is that at first, I was a bit worried for you. Then I have been off the board for a week or so, so I'm behind on your story.
Second, I think you are taking care of yourself. You said you are still pursuing your education. You still are moving forward with your life. You might be encouraged by the changes but you are using your head and being cautiously hopeful.
Let me share what I have learned from you tonight. It's so easy for a casual reader to say "Why is she giving him another chance with all that he's done to her?" I think (and I don't know you) but I think that you are doing it, because you want and NEED to KNOW FOR SURE that you've given your marriage every opportunity to heal, and you know, YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT!
It would be so easy for me to say "She just needs to dump him". But you know, I'm single and my situation was only a couple of months. I've never been married and invested most of my adult life into something. It takes a lot of courage to do what's best for YOU, even if it goes against popular opinion, because it's YOUR marriage.
From a religious stance, the bible says "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see". There's a thin line between FAITH and MASCOCHISM in this situation. I think others might be afraid that you are being a mascochist, but I think you are trying to be faithful. I think if you keep your life goals at the center and understand the risk, understand that he very well may let you down, he may decide recovery isn't for him, he VERY WELL may relapse down the line, if you understand all of these things and you still want to move forward with reconcilling your marriage, you have every right to do so. I really do hope your mind and spirit are protected in this, and that you get all you deserve and hope with your life ahead.
I just read your post today. First, I want to commend you on your courage, and I have to say there is a special place in heaven for you, and other spouses/partners that have decided that their marriages/situations deserve every opportunity to work.
I'm going to send you a PM, but what I publicly want to say to you, is that at first, I was a bit worried for you. Then I have been off the board for a week or so, so I'm behind on your story.
Second, I think you are taking care of yourself. You said you are still pursuing your education. You still are moving forward with your life. You might be encouraged by the changes but you are using your head and being cautiously hopeful.
Let me share what I have learned from you tonight. It's so easy for a casual reader to say "Why is she giving him another chance with all that he's done to her?" I think (and I don't know you) but I think that you are doing it, because you want and NEED to KNOW FOR SURE that you've given your marriage every opportunity to heal, and you know, YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT!
It would be so easy for me to say "She just needs to dump him". But you know, I'm single and my situation was only a couple of months. I've never been married and invested most of my adult life into something. It takes a lot of courage to do what's best for YOU, even if it goes against popular opinion, because it's YOUR marriage.
From a religious stance, the bible says "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see". There's a thin line between FAITH and MASCOCHISM in this situation. I think others might be afraid that you are being a mascochist, but I think you are trying to be faithful. I think if you keep your life goals at the center and understand the risk, understand that he very well may let you down, he may decide recovery isn't for him, he VERY WELL may relapse down the line, if you understand all of these things and you still want to move forward with reconcilling your marriage, you have every right to do so. I really do hope your mind and spirit are protected in this, and that you get all you deserve and hope with your life ahead.
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