My AS Is At It Again
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
My AS Is At It Again
I swear I will never have any peace. My ex husband just called me. My AS has gotten the charge reduced to a minor violation. Now since it looks like he is once again being paroled in Sept he wants to use my address. He has no intentions of living here & in my AS's words " there is no skin off my nose " by letting him use it. The last time I fell for this his parole officer called here & came here more than once & both Jim & I had to lie to him. My As says he cannot use the address where he will be living cuz someone who already lives there is on parole. I don't believe any of it. There is always a " reason "
he needs to use either my or my parents address to get out.
Even though I know I cannot do this I told my ex I needed more time to think it over, Why can't I just say No & not worry about it. I KNOW it is the wrong thing to do. Why oh why can't my AS just be honest.
he needs to use either my or my parents address to get out.
Even though I know I cannot do this I told my ex I needed more time to think it over, Why can't I just say No & not worry about it. I KNOW it is the wrong thing to do. Why oh why can't my AS just be honest.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Awww, Rozied, it never ends with active addicts.
Remember "No" is a complete sentence. What he works out after that is up to him but leaves you free of the chaos.
Practice saying with me....NO! NYET! NOT LIKELY PAL! NO! NOOO! Then follow me
:
Wasn`t that more fun than trying to figure out how lying would benefit anyone.
Hang in there, sweetie, it gets easier...all we have to do is say no and end the conversation.
Mama Size Hugs :ghug3
Remember "No" is a complete sentence. What he works out after that is up to him but leaves you free of the chaos.
Practice saying with me....NO! NYET! NOT LIKELY PAL! NO! NOOO! Then follow me
:Wasn`t that more fun than trying to figure out how lying would benefit anyone.
Hang in there, sweetie, it gets easier...all we have to do is say no and end the conversation.
Mama Size Hugs :ghug3
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh I have absolutely no intentions of letting him live here & if giving my address would have helped him it would have helped him the last time I did it not 2 yrs ago.
Why oh why do I still feel bad about saying no. I KNOW lying is never the right thing to do. I have no doubt that even if I went along with it & let him use it he would still get into trouble. They are trying to put it on me ( my AS & ex ) that if I don't let him use it he will have to stay in jail until Dec 09. I didn't put him in jail, I didn't get him into trouble, how can lying help this situation. I truly believe if he gets out on a lie things will never work out.
I am just fearful when he knows I won't do it he will start bothering my parents.
Why oh why do I still feel bad about saying no. I KNOW lying is never the right thing to do. I have no doubt that even if I went along with it & let him use it he would still get into trouble. They are trying to put it on me ( my AS & ex ) that if I don't let him use it he will have to stay in jail until Dec 09. I didn't put him in jail, I didn't get him into trouble, how can lying help this situation. I truly believe if he gets out on a lie things will never work out.
I am just fearful when he knows I won't do it he will start bothering my parents.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Ann is right-don't!!!!!!!!! Lying for him is going to accomplish nothing other than grief for you. My AH paroled to my home the last time and I am a firm believer in the law. He was supposed to be at this address by midnight and stay here. That did not last long. Had a drink with his "friend" and it just went downhill. I did call his parole officer, the police and my attorney. Found out he changed his parole address to the "friends" and was not staying there either. Within a yr. "it hit the fan and he was arrested for meth. The police blamed the parole officer, parole blamed the police and the DEA blamed everyone. By this time I had found SR-thank God!!!!!! He is tucked back in prison right now-in his 5th month of SATP and seems to be doing well. He did hit his bottom-I kept trying to pull the rug and cushion out from under him.
As we read here-step back and let him fall. I know easier said than done.
As we read here-step back and let him fall. I know easier said than done.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I AM going to say no. I did it a couple of yrs ago & no good came of it. If my AS wants things to work out right he had better start doing things right. If he has to stay in jail till Dec 09 then so be it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Good for you!!
I can so relate to that feeling, when saying "no."
For some reason, it is very difficult for me, not to FEEL responsible- (hmm family of origin stuff??) That others lives and happiness depend on me!! Or even looking back at myself- not thinking straight, I have appreciated it, when others shared solutions with me.
I hesitate as I write this... is it enabling?? Am a enabling you to enable??
Oh well.. here is a thought.
Your son may want to reach out to aa/na.. choose to live at a soberhouse, halfway, 3/4. Just guessing but his parole officer may be okay with that address, even if another parole is there. Seems to me a great and safe place to re-enter!! Rent is usually cheap, utilities included.. and if there are drugs and alcohol being used, it isn't in the middle of the living room on Friday night!!
Since jail seems to be a frequent consequence for addicts, a result of this disease.. I just have to think.. or hope.. aa/na isn't discriminating and only 12 stepping those without criminal records!!
I hope, this post doesn't confuse you or set you back into codie land- as my name says, (for a reason!!) I'm still learning- for those with more knowledge and experience here- please do say "no"!!!
I can so relate to that feeling, when saying "no."
For some reason, it is very difficult for me, not to FEEL responsible- (hmm family of origin stuff??) That others lives and happiness depend on me!! Or even looking back at myself- not thinking straight, I have appreciated it, when others shared solutions with me.
I hesitate as I write this... is it enabling?? Am a enabling you to enable??
Oh well.. here is a thought.
Your son may want to reach out to aa/na.. choose to live at a soberhouse, halfway, 3/4. Just guessing but his parole officer may be okay with that address, even if another parole is there. Seems to me a great and safe place to re-enter!! Rent is usually cheap, utilities included.. and if there are drugs and alcohol being used, it isn't in the middle of the living room on Friday night!!
Since jail seems to be a frequent consequence for addicts, a result of this disease.. I just have to think.. or hope.. aa/na isn't discriminating and only 12 stepping those without criminal records!!
I hope, this post doesn't confuse you or set you back into codie land- as my name says, (for a reason!!) I'm still learning- for those with more knowledge and experience here- please do say "no"!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Grants Pass, Oregon
Posts: 137
Is there a sober living facility is the area that would take him? Or even the mission if you have one. He needs to realize there are hundreds of reasons spanning many years that have resulted in him not being welcome. Tell him you love him but he's a big boy and needs to find his own housing. You're too busy working on your own problems to have time for his. As they say, he got himself in-he can get himself out.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanks, He was in a half-way house a couple of times ago when he got out. Naturally he hurt his bk & the dr in the ER put him on an opiate so he was asked to leave. At least that was the story we got. He went from there to my parents house. I KNOW he was using while living in the halfway house & I believe thats why he went to the ER & got the rx for pain meds. I know they were planning on giving him a urine test at the halfway house & they would have asked him to leave cuz of being positive for coke. By doing what he did he had a reason to leave before being tested. He is just too slick for words.
If he wants to go to a halfway house, let him think of it himself. I am done even suggesting anything. He KNOWS what is wrong with him & he knows if he wants help its available. Its up to him
If he wants to go to a halfway house, let him think of it himself. I am done even suggesting anything. He KNOWS what is wrong with him & he knows if he wants help its available. Its up to him
Last edited by rozied; 07-26-2008 at 08:20 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Good for you!
Just remember that you have no impact on whether or not he stays in jail. I highly doubt that yours is the only address he could use and get out on parole. And as overcrowded as most jails/prisons are, as my husband tells me, no one really serves their full sentence these days, unless the sentence says no parole. So keep reminding yourself that he is definitely trying to play you in this. You should not have to lie for him. You should not have to have a parole officer come check on him at your home. That's not fair to you.
He made this mess himself. He has to clean it up himself, or it will just keep happening.
*hugs and prayers*
Just remember that you have no impact on whether or not he stays in jail. I highly doubt that yours is the only address he could use and get out on parole. And as overcrowded as most jails/prisons are, as my husband tells me, no one really serves their full sentence these days, unless the sentence says no parole. So keep reminding yourself that he is definitely trying to play you in this. You should not have to lie for him. You should not have to have a parole officer come check on him at your home. That's not fair to you.
He made this mess himself. He has to clean it up himself, or it will just keep happening.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rozie)))
Good for you!!! If it makes you feel better to say "no", by letting him use your address, knowing he will not be living there, YOU would be breaking the law. And yes, it would be skin off your nose. If you were to lie about why he's not there, and something happens, YOU would be charged with obstruction, which can put YOU in jail. He may tell you otherwise, but I know of someone who did it and was locked up.
My best friend had to stay longer in prison because she had nowhere to parole to. She wanted to use my address, but I said "no".
You're absolutely right..he got himself where he is, he can get himself out of there, and he just may need to sit there until Dec.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Good for you!!! If it makes you feel better to say "no", by letting him use your address, knowing he will not be living there, YOU would be breaking the law. And yes, it would be skin off your nose. If you were to lie about why he's not there, and something happens, YOU would be charged with obstruction, which can put YOU in jail. He may tell you otherwise, but I know of someone who did it and was locked up.
My best friend had to stay longer in prison because she had nowhere to parole to. She wanted to use my address, but I said "no".
You're absolutely right..he got himself where he is, he can get himself out of there, and he just may need to sit there until Dec.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Good for you rozie, I know its hard but thinking everything through is the best for your son. I'm at the point where I can finally say NO~~and mean it. Takes courage but in the end we do want the best for our kids. And~~Lying for them just doesn't cut it. Hugs, Bonnie
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
My son is good at saying things that make me feel as if I am his only choice for help.
And then when I work up the courage to say "NO", thinking I am sentencing him to some dire state, he still gets done whatever it was he was needing help with.
I have learned I am not his only "choice" but I have often been the easiest! (My fault)
The last time my son said, " I was the only one" I said, " Well what does that say about your life and friends? Maybe its time to get a new one."
Why isn't your son's father offering his address if he thinks this is a good, "no skin off your back" way to help him? ( My son's father can be a similar thorn.):sorry
Whether you take this on or not, they both need to know it's a bigger responsibility then they are making it seem.
And then when I work up the courage to say "NO", thinking I am sentencing him to some dire state, he still gets done whatever it was he was needing help with.
I have learned I am not his only "choice" but I have often been the easiest! (My fault)
The last time my son said, " I was the only one" I said, " Well what does that say about your life and friends? Maybe its time to get a new one."
Why isn't your son's father offering his address if he thinks this is a good, "no skin off your back" way to help him? ( My son's father can be a similar thorn.):sorry
Whether you take this on or not, they both need to know it's a bigger responsibility then they are making it seem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Rozied
It looks like you really answered your own question "I know I can't do this". It just sems to be the "No" you have to work on. He seems to have already put you thru this before with the lies. You don't need this extra stress cause he wants to lie. And your feeling like it's your fault if he stays in jail, no it is his fault.
Something I have learned is that" You need to Look out for yourself because No one else does". Is anyone of them looking out for your best interest here, I don't think so. I know it is hard but No No No NO. ((((hugs))))
It looks like you really answered your own question "I know I can't do this". It just sems to be the "No" you have to work on. He seems to have already put you thru this before with the lies. You don't need this extra stress cause he wants to lie. And your feeling like it's your fault if he stays in jail, no it is his fault.
Something I have learned is that" You need to Look out for yourself because No one else does". Is anyone of them looking out for your best interest here, I don't think so. I know it is hard but No No No NO. ((((hugs))))
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you ALL for your input & help.
CeCe, The reason his father cannot give him an address is he lives in NY. Plus his father is a convicted felon & I don't think Parole would let him live there.
AwakeAwake, Yes I do believe in a Higher Power. I have been a born again Christian since 1976, and without my faith I would be nowhere.
You can understand why I don't want him leaning on my parents. At age 88 they have more than earned their peace.
CeCe, The reason his father cannot give him an address is he lives in NY. Plus his father is a convicted felon & I don't think Parole would let him live there.
AwakeAwake, Yes I do believe in a Higher Power. I have been a born again Christian since 1976, and without my faith I would be nowhere.
You can understand why I don't want him leaning on my parents. At age 88 they have more than earned their peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Rozied, I hope you seriously consider the great adivice given here. What trouble could this bring you? Lots. Could you be violating some law that would bring charges on you for knowingly help him violate parole? I will hope you have the strength to do the right thing for yourself. You should never have to lie for anyone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rozied, you're doing the right thing, not letting him use your address even if he doesn't live there. If your ex wants to blame you for your son's sentence...a pox on him and maybe that's why he's your "ex".
Let go of the situation, let go of the anxiety, it's your son's consequence and he owns it no matter how many people he tries tp fish in.
Hugs
Let go of the situation, let go of the anxiety, it's your son's consequence and he owns it no matter how many people he tries tp fish in.
Hugs
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