freeflower

Three months ago i left my home and ah of 28 years. unlike alot of you going thru the same struggle, I have had little contact with him. I have some good days and some bad. This is what i know has been happening with him since I left.
1. He continued to drink when I left. i know because i regrettably dug thru his garbage once like I had been doing for the last 2 years.
2.He stopped eating and lost a lot of weight.
3. started working on our house like a crazy, tearing down old dated wllpaper in the bathroom and kitchen and finaly after 20 years started finishing our 2nd bathroom and added a shower.
4. left me one note claiming his love for me and his hope to win me back.
5. claiming his sobriety to our adult girls when actually drunk while talking to them.
6.wrote one angry ass note to me the day after the love note that I responded too with an old note(8 years old) stating almost word for word the same thing.
7. Had a week of vacation that started off with a 4 day drunk, publically staggering around our small town and talking crap about me just up an leaving. Leaving him with all the responsabilities. Note: i took very little with me and have asked for no money or help of any kind.
8. Was busted by my youngest daughter by an unannounced visit. She called him while on our front porch and he said he was gardening, when she said I'm out front, he relucntantly opened the door only for her to find him drunk with a case of beer on the back deck. She then cryed and gave him back his turn it over rock he had recieved as a graduation from a drug/alchol rehab program he was court ordered to atten 8 years earlier do to a court orderd rehab. 2 duis at that time in 8 months. He gave it to her when she left out on her own. she was so proud of him at that point and always believed in him and was really in denial of his currant drinking.
9. Same week, he went to our oldest daughters home earlly on a sunday morning with fixings for a great breakfast that he cooked for her and her fiance. Oldest daughters had to leave for work and her so sat ah down and set a boundry with him. Told him that he was welcome anytime at their home but not when he had a drop to drink. he said it upsets my dd too much and if he didn't comply, then he wasn't welcome.
Apparently started to reserch aa and went. Currently my daughters believe he has remained sober.
10. he has decide to put our house up for sale. My daughter is a realitor and is going to handle it. I signed papers yesterday. We still have not discussed this in person or on the phone. I am ok with this even thou we didn't talk about this now but had in the past. Our home is very large and has 3 unused bedrooms. It doesn't feel the same to me anymore or to him and he says it's too much for him to handle financally.
11. he has been getting tattos all over his arm since I left???? Not like him at all. he is 48. I am confused about this but non the less...what ever trips your trigger.

Now me
1. i now know I can make it on my own money wise. I took half our bills. He makes more than me now but for years I was the bread winner while he used his than "own business and bartending " to fuel his alchol use.
2.I still go to our home 4 nights a week to care for our dogs that I panicked about giving away 3 months ago. he has made no effort to give me reilef there. I work all day and have to drive 20 miles to take care of dogs. i know this was my wish but now know this was maybe not a good idea as it makes me feel in limbo. Also. hanging around our home for a few hours a night really confuses me mentally and amkes me question what the heck am I doing?
3. I don't miss him. I don't long for his touch or his company. But yet feel scared sometimes about my future.
4. We haven't discussed divorse but I guess he must think it is inevitable. Selling the house is the first really big step to really splitting.
5. Do I care if he stays sober? Yes, do I trust he will reamin so? not really nbut it doesn't make a reall difference in my life only my kids lives.
6. Is it wierd that we don't talk at all? he says he he sad and doesn't want any of this but has never ever for years even said that he wants me to stay or that he woukl seek help. Just has said I apparently know everything and that my mind has been made up.
7.Is it possible that he doesn't love me anymore too??lol I I guess I thought when I left, it would be his bottom but I wasn't. Not even sure if he hit a bootm with my girls and is just bidding his time to drink again. His work also told them of their concerns on his drinking.
8. could possibly be starting menapause and still in disbeleif that my mother passed away 8 months ago. still grieving

OK Kind of a ramble but just wanted your thoughts. Everyday I read someone elses story
on here and get some inspriation. I know my story is pretty un eventful compared to most
but I still am going thru confusion. Thanks


Just to ad, his drinking has been in our lives since the day we married. I basically bitched for years, made idle threats but never followed thru and because of raising my kids ,I swept alot of my angwish under the carpet. I didn't understand acholoism like I do now. I didn't know I didn't cause it, can't control or can't cure it. i do know that now thanks to reserch and this website. Alot of the stuff I read on here daily has happened to me too at one time or another. When i learned about detching, it saved my sanity but has brought me to this place in my life. I pray that I am doing the right thing and that everyday, I will get stronger and understand my purpose.

nowinsituation

Hey Freeflower - glad to hear you are doing well. I have been separated a bit longer than you (9 months) and filed for divorce (which is taking way too long to happen). My STBXAH and I do not have any contact with each other, either. We haven't spoken directly to each other in over 2 months. When I left I expected him to attempt to convince me to come back . . . not that I wanted him to or would have agreed to do it. Like you, I read so many stories on here of those who have to change their phone number, etc., to get their x's to stop contacting them. Other than one drunken tearful phone call, there has been nothing. Also makes me wonder whether he really loved me at all -- he seems to be able to let me go so easily. And I think of the torturous days and nights I fretted about whether I should leave or not; how "devasted" he would be. It makes me think that he really was just using me, for years; and that really makes me angry at myself. Then he pulls the stunt he did yesterday (see my "the finger" thread); just more proof of his level of maturity.

After 3 months I felt pretty good, now after 9 months I feel even better. I've got a long ways to go but I can tell a difference already. Yes we are getting stronger, and I know my purpose was not to spend the rest of my life taking care of that man. I am now taking care of me!

freeflower

I also spent many hours and days fretting...fretting over just starting a conversation about our situation...always worried about hurting him. on a friday I would say to my self, ok I am talking about this this weekend. We would sit for hours alone together watching tv in silence and I would be literally saying to myself..ok start talking...say the first word and I wouldn't. i'd go to bed and cry alone. so much wasted time.

RosieM

Hey, Free - I talk to my xah about once every two weeks but we might as well not talk at all - he calls me to talk about the weather and complain about work. I don't know if he's still drinking or not, he was always very good about hiding it. He has a court date for a felony DUI in September but has not been in contact with his lawyer, according to him.

At first I really missed him but now I tend to avoid his calls. It's been seven months since we separated, five months since his car wreck, and almost three months since I moved away. I'm amazed at how good I am starting to feel and how safe I feel in my house now that I don't have the constant worry about what I'm going to find when I come home. There was so much pain at first and everyone here said it would get better with time and it really is true. RosieM

freeflower

I called him. I knew we had to talk about the house and what I should be doing in the evenings to get it ready. I left alot of stuff there when I moved and now i need to go thru my stuff and bring it here. He was very civil and we had a pretty good talk. Since he works second shift and I first, I can start cleaning out the attic and just basically clean in front of him so he can paint the few rooms that need it. He was sober. I told him I hope someday he will look back on this as a life changer. We will always have our children and grandkids so we will be in each others lives somehow forever. I told him I just want us both to be happy and him to be able to live free of alcohol. When I get scared, I always think maybe I am making a mistake but now that we talked, with no anger, I know I'm doing the right thing for us both. it was like talking to my brother..i love him like family but not like a husband.

Bernadette

hey Freeflower--
Thank you for sharing this!
(((hugs)))
You're in a brave new world....and you sound like you're doing great...confusion is normal - I was a zombie or in a puddle for the first year after my divorce and I was only married 7 years -so wow for you it's like you've moved to a foreign country! Keep learning the language and the customs of this "new country." You sound like you're right where you're supposed to be.

And yes, now my ex and his wife and daughter are just like any important members of my family. I care about them, and welcome them, and I have to deal with them, but I am so so so happy he is not my husband!

Peace,
B.