canuhearme

I read so many post on SR where the people that love an addict keep asking how do I leave him/her... why, what's wrong with me, and so on.... I don't know if this will help but here goes.
First I'm a recovering IV cocaine addict (3+ months clean) my husband is in active addiction and has finally moved out. I asked my self many times why can't I just leave him, it would help my recovery. Still I had a hard time letting go of him. I'm still working on it every day, one day at a time.
I know how hard it it to understand why we choose addiction over the people we love, there really isn't an easy answer. The one thing I do know with out a question is that you understand addiction better than you think. You ask why can't I just leave him or her just like we ask ourselves why can't I just quit getting high. It's an addiction... to drug... to love... to family.
Fair?? No, not in a million years, but nothing ever is when it involves an addict, get used to it. It's hard to justify going to a meeting when you are not the one addicted but you have to learn how to stop your addiction just like you want us to. Don't go down on a sinking ship in the name of love... or in the name of drug....

rozied

Congratulations. I really liked your post.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. For a relationship to last & go the distance it must be unconditional btw 2 equals. If there is anything you need to " change " about your loved one then they are not the one for you.

You are so right about what you posted. Addiction does not have to be to a drug.

MrsMagoo

Thank you for posting that!!! It is a burning question all of us Codies have. I keep thinking I'm ready to walk away, I panic and here I am all over again, for a little while longer. I crave life without addiction in my life. I want it so bad. The best thing that has come out of my husband's addiction is SR and the best friend's a girl could ask for. Strange that love, compassion and understanding come long distance, from people we will most likely never meet or be able to hug and thank face-to-face.

SR has been my life-line and my connection to sanity. Thank you for trying to help us make sense of all this "stuff".

11d

I can hear you...I do hear you....I wonder if my God hears me! I wonder if my addict hears me, Do I hear me?...I wonder, I am so caught up in it,..How crazy is that? I am tired of it....why can't I leave? Is it really because of the kids? I am just as sick as he if not more. Pray that I get it and hear myself.:praying

JMFburns

Thanks Cowgirl your post was helpful.

BBD

Good words to hear. I like addicts posting with their feelings...helps me understand whats in their minds....and congrats cowgirl~~~keep up the good work!!

BayAreaPhoenix

Thank you and congrats on your sobriety and recovery! Keep that focus, you're doing great, and sharing with us such a generous gift -

(((hugs)))

canuhearme

Guys thats just it, you want us to be strong and love our self enough to stop our addiction when you your self are not strong enough to leave your addiction.
I know how bad it hurts, I swear I do, I not only have to leave my armor behind (Cocaine) but I also have to leave my husband, whom I love dearly, drugs or not. My only comfort is knowing drugs are not active in my life. and as you all know that's not much, but it's also everything. The Bottom is a relative word, where is your addicts bottom? Who cares. Where is your bottom? Loosing your children because you allowed drug around them, going to jail because your addict used your car and cops pull you over and something left behind (ok, not likely but it could happen). So don't even ask am I staying for my children, thats just not possible, they are the number one reason to it just won't work.

Oh and thats great fear of what if your addict die's because he'll/she'll use more from the pain of loosing his/her family. I know that special worry too, so what are you not going to blame your self for them dying at home... You will anyway, you'll always wonder what if I had said no more, whould they have stopped and found help?
We've all heard "It's not that you don't love them any more, it's you have to love your self more".

Now all that said, I guess it's no different for either side, you have to be ready, you have to want more, hate the drug enough to say NO MORE!
CANUHEARME came from my heart when I realized how much I wanted to stop, even tho my actions didn't show it. Cocaine is the hardest battle I have ever fought, everything else pales in comparison, even leaving my own addict was not as hard as leaving my addiction, and still today I miss the comfort of cocaine more than I miss him.

The one thing I believe now for sure is WE are all stronger than we think. Find your own strength, believe you deserve better than what you are getting, and make it happen.

My best bet is that all your prayers will be answered when you learn to love your self.

11d

BAM! You hit me straight on! What is my codependent bottom? Losing my kids? I asked my RAH if he still loves me and he couldn't answer.....I hear you...That is NOT what it is about! I see. You are right! DO I LOVE ME! That was so well put........Thank you I needed that!

lostparent

Congrats on your recovery sounds like your doing good. Thanks for posting.

Callie

Great post - I too am realizing how much I am addicted to my AH. He's been @ his mom's for a month or so now, but I still talk to him multiple times a day. Why are you staying up so late, why are you sleeping so late, did you make this call, did you get your rx refilled before insurance runs out? I am having an awful time letting go. What usually happens when I ask these ??'s is that I end up MORE frustrated than if I'd just let it go. But I always push, always feel that I want the BEST for everyone involved etc. I am very addicted to the mess, though I so desperately want out and to let it go AND BE OK with that decision.

IPT

Thanks for posting. I am always wondering what goes thru my g/fs head when she makes her decisions. Oddly enough realizing I am addictedto her is now making it easier for me to back off. It is a crazy mess this stuff, and I am still trying to sort it out.

Good job on your recovery. I hope that you are proud of yourself because you certainly should be.

lightseeker

Canuhearme -

I think that what you've written is probably the most profound post that I have read in my years at SR. It is sooooooooo true about our addicts being our addiction. We develop the neurochemicals internally that create our addictions instead of the ingesting of chemicals. We don't need to go to meetings because of someone else - we need to go to meetings because of "us".

I'm proud of you and your recovery. It is so worth it and I can tell that you really do want it. My husband has 3 years of sobriety from crack and IV cocaine. It does get better and easier as time goes on. I'm sorry about your AH - hopefully he will find his way to recovery in time.

Thanks for your post!

pjbs55

Thank you for this wonderful post. I'm sure it will help so many others.
I want to say congrats on your recovery, and wish you all the best.
I tell other family members that we become addicted to the addicts like they became addicted to whatever they use.
Hugs coming to you from a mom of a recovering addict.

Impurrfect

(((Can)))

I just gotta say, you have come SOOO far from not very long ago when he left and we e-mailed back and forth all day. I am so proud of you, and very grateful that you posted on this forum, 'cause these wonderful people have been a godsend to me.

You are so right....not only was I addicted to the crack, I was addicted to the XABF and the lifestyle. It's really hard to see when love turns to addiction in a relationship.

Luv ya!!

Amy

canuhearme

(((Amy))) You and Anvil have been been my rock so often! ((Great big HUG!!!!))

Guys all I can say from here is I know how hard it is to love an addict, I still love my own addict. Now I'm learning what it takes to love myself. I never understood it what it really meant till now, and it really took pulling my self out of the depths of addiction to make me understand it. It started wanting more from life, hating myself every time I relapsed. Struggling to stay clean while my dealer/husband lay next to me every night and said he loved me. I struggled with staying clean more than a week only to have him bring me back down, but I was learning to love me enough to move the things that hurt me out of my life. AND IT DOES hurt to let what we love go, at times it's almost unbearable and at those times I just have to OPEN my eyes and know that just like my craving for my drug, this to will pass, and it does. Crawling then baby steps! The only thing that kept me from standing on my own were my addictions
I feel closer to normal than I have in so many years. I'm not falling a sleep wondering if something is going to trigger a relapse for him, my life is mine to control, and this is an amazing feeling

I hope I have helped you guys some what, it's pretty tough to be an addict, every time I read one of your post my heart breaks, some how I feel responsible for your pain because I was one of the bad guys!
Hugs to all~ Lynn

marle

My daughter who is 22 finally found the strength to leave her addict boyfriend in May. He is a crack addict, she is heroin/opiates. Their entire relationship was based on drugs although she tried to convince herself that he loved her. He is 17 years her senior and the first time she met him, he showed up at her door with pills because he had just found out through a mutual friend that she was fresh out of rehab. Now isn't that what you would call love (said with a huge amount of sarcasm). She spent almost 3 years with him because if he was nothing else he was her main supplier of the drugs that were going to kill her. To this day I hate this man. I try to have compassion for him but can't yet do that. He was a seasoned drug addict at 35 when he met my naive 19 year old daughter. She was not his first. Now she can look back and see that love was not part of the equation but it took a moment of clarity for her to see the situation for what it was--two very sick individuals who fed off each other's addictions. She still wonders about him and is hurt by thinking that he is probably with someone else. I hope that when she has some significant clean time and learns to love herself she will see the relationship for what it really was. Hope you can too. Hugs, Marle

canuhearme

Hind-sight being what it is, IMO, it starts happening the 2nd and 3rd time we forgive, I tried to trust in something I nolonger truely believed in.

IPT

Yikes, you are probably right and that was l o n g time ago for me....

rahsue

Thank you for that insight. I like when I can hear from the heart.

congrats on the 3+ months thats really great, and hang in there life is good if you let it be.