I made a major step!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
I made a major step!!!!!!!
Last Thursday night I got home and my 19 year old AD was home along with 2 friends. Lauren was in a bad mood and at one point started cursing me so I calmly told her and her friends to get out of my house, to that I was informed that it was not my house, but my grandmothers house, so I packed my clothes and I left, my family will not stand behind me, so I am staying with friends. Lauren has texted a few times but I have not answered her and my family has not called me at all. Yesterday was a bad day for me, I thought here I am with clothes in my car and me sleeping in guest bedrooms and she is still doing nothing and comfortable!! But I truly think I am doing the right thing, until she is down to nothing she is not going to change but I am the bad guy!!!!!!!!! I have to separate from the madness in order to protect what is left of my sanity and you know all in all I have had a good week!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Obsessed, I'm sorry you were the one who had to walk away, but I think you did awesome!! A very solid boundary and when it was broken, you took an action to protect yourself - Great stuff.
Very accurate observation. I think you will find the more you separate from the madness, the more you will discover a return of that lost sanity. Hugs
I have to separate from the madness in order to protect what is left of my sanity
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
It is unfortunate you had to move. But I am confused as to why you moved. It sounds like a good idea that you ignore her calls. Getting out of the insanity is the sane thing to do. Stay strong and don't bend. If she is aloud to act this way and not have consequences for her behavior she will continue to act the same way. My prayers will be with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
We live with my 85 year old grandmother who refuses to tell her that she can't live there and my grandmother along with my mother condone everything that she does so that is why I left. I have no support with my family.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
When my Mom left her last very miserable toxic situation, (no drugs involved, but some abuse), she was sleeping on a cardboard box in her office at work.
I didn't really get it and I was kind of mad. She had a Really Nice home with all of
HER STUFF, nice stuff, a HUGE amazing king waterbed, etc. etc. etc. lots of nice stuff,
and she was choosing to sleep on a cardboard box at work. I just wanted her to go home and work things out.... and what "I" felt like was safer.
But she told me she was happier, more at peace and felt sane for the first time in a long time sleeping on that box knowing she was safe. Her situation wasn't that bad,
(who am I to judge) I just mean it wasn't too abusive...
Now she is happily remarried and more happy than she has ever been.
She knew what she had to do, and she did it. She once again has all her stuff
ånd her nice house.
But once again she taught me, you do what you need to do to make yourself
happy cuz no one is going to do it for you....
You have clothes in your car, and sleeping on guest beds, so be it.
As long as you have a roof over your head, do what YOU need to do
to be happy.
Along the wåy though, don't forget the lesson......
Good Job Obsessed!
I didn't really get it and I was kind of mad. She had a Really Nice home with all of
HER STUFF, nice stuff, a HUGE amazing king waterbed, etc. etc. etc. lots of nice stuff,
and she was choosing to sleep on a cardboard box at work. I just wanted her to go home and work things out.... and what "I" felt like was safer.
But she told me she was happier, more at peace and felt sane for the first time in a long time sleeping on that box knowing she was safe. Her situation wasn't that bad,
(who am I to judge) I just mean it wasn't too abusive...
Now she is happily remarried and more happy than she has ever been.
She knew what she had to do, and she did it. She once again has all her stuff
ånd her nice house.
But once again she taught me, you do what you need to do to make yourself
happy cuz no one is going to do it for you....
You have clothes in your car, and sleeping on guest beds, so be it.
As long as you have a roof over your head, do what YOU need to do
to be happy.
Along the wåy though, don't forget the lesson......
Good Job Obsessed!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My boundaries are not about those who use drugs... they are about me. How do I want to live? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? What can *I* change that will give me the kind of life that brings me joy?
You sound very much like you are getting in touch with .... you.
Be strong. As you probably long ago discovered, nothing you do, or don't do will change her addiction. That will be up to her... in her time (and that of her Higher Power).
I wish you well. And send prayers for clarity and wisdom (and a nice soft bed).
((hugs))
You sound very much like you are getting in touch with .... you.
Be strong. As you probably long ago discovered, nothing you do, or don't do will change her addiction. That will be up to her... in her time (and that of her Higher Power).
I wish you well. And send prayers for clarity and wisdom (and a nice soft bed).
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
What a difficult and courageous step. Good for you. I did something similar not to long ago. I am back in my home now, but too decided that if the insanity was not going to stop, I was going to remove myself from the situation.
I stuck to my boundaries, took the scary first step and thankfully had someplace safe to go. I went and once I had my thoughts under control and knew that I was strong enough and sane enough to keep the promises I had made myself, I went back and dealt with the situation IN MY TERMS.
Good for you. Be strong and get well.
I stuck to my boundaries, took the scary first step and thankfully had someplace safe to go. I went and once I had my thoughts under control and knew that I was strong enough and sane enough to keep the promises I had made myself, I went back and dealt with the situation IN MY TERMS.
Good for you. Be strong and get well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Wow - great job!! Good boundaries. I'm sorry it was you who left but you must do what you can to take care of you. I cannot imagine your disappointment. I hope you continue to keep yourself safe and detached.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, obsessed, I am SOOOOO proud of you!
I'm sorry it had to be you that left, but I'm glad you did. Maybe after your mom and grandmother deal with Lauren, without you in the middle, they will see that they are only hurting Lauren by allowing her to continue her behavior.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry it had to be you that left, but I'm glad you did. Maybe after your mom and grandmother deal with Lauren, without you in the middle, they will see that they are only hurting Lauren by allowing her to continue her behavior.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Wow. Good for you!
It must be hard not only to deal with your own detachment but then also have to deal with others lack of it.
We struggle as parents with guilt and second-guessing in our desire to do the right thing. Having other family members enabling and then outright telling you that you are doing "this" wrong is a pretty big obstacle to recovery.
And yet you keep plugging on, taking care of yourself and helping Lauren the best way possible.
Because we have come so far in our education of this disease, its hard to remember that sometimes family members enable because just like the addict, they aren't ready to see what's there and they aren't ready to do the hard work necessary, so denial is a lot easier.
I think it's a pretty big statement as well as a big step to take yourself away from a toxic situation, even if it's temporary. Maybe without you in between, they'll get a better look at the situation. Let them deal with themselves and give yourself a break from it!
:ghug3
It must be hard not only to deal with your own detachment but then also have to deal with others lack of it.
We struggle as parents with guilt and second-guessing in our desire to do the right thing. Having other family members enabling and then outright telling you that you are doing "this" wrong is a pretty big obstacle to recovery.
And yet you keep plugging on, taking care of yourself and helping Lauren the best way possible.
Because we have come so far in our education of this disease, its hard to remember that sometimes family members enable because just like the addict, they aren't ready to see what's there and they aren't ready to do the hard work necessary, so denial is a lot easier.
I think it's a pretty big statement as well as a big step to take yourself away from a toxic situation, even if it's temporary. Maybe without you in between, they'll get a better look at the situation. Let them deal with themselves and give yourself a break from it!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Hi Obsessed,
I think you did exactly what I would have done. And then I would be saying the same, Here I am in a car and she is at home yada yada but you know what? Maybe she is more comfortable but you can be more at peace then fighting everyone there. If I was close you could come stay with me, crowded but nice to share coffee and talk. Be strong I know it is hard for you....
I think you did exactly what I would have done. And then I would be saying the same, Here I am in a car and she is at home yada yada but you know what? Maybe she is more comfortable but you can be more at peace then fighting everyone there. If I was close you could come stay with me, crowded but nice to share coffee and talk. Be strong I know it is hard for you....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Im sorry that is was you who had to leave. It sounds as if you are the only one in recovery in that household. Good for you for setting boundaries. You are so right when you say you have to save your own sanity. Hope your doing well. Prayers and Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Taiwan (expat)
Posts: 52
It's always uplifting to read about people who do something proactive with an infuriating situation.
I'm sure you're daughter wouldn't have anticipated this, and it must have left an impression.
Good for you.
I'm sure you're daughter wouldn't have anticipated this, and it must have left an impression.
Good for you.
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