Struggling, big time.....
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Struggling, big time.....
I am new here, but I am sure some of you have seen some of my posts. Man I am struggling..... my g/f is a Pot addict and co-dependant with her mom. In the past month for the first times she has acknowledged she needs to get away from her mom and family to be clean (they all use). She also acknowledged that she realizes she no longer has control and “can’t help myself” (from using). That her mom is still in denial and doesn’t think she has a problem. In fact she was clean 5 days and decided she could go to her moms (which Is aid was a bad idea –which of course caused a fight), and then she gave her a pipe! (it hurt her enough that she told her counselor about it).
The only way I see myself as co-dependant is that I keep taking her back. She has lied and not followed thru more times than I can remember. At the same time, in the past month she has verbalized things she never has before (as above). She even brought home a NA meeting list. We had a good weekend together. Then Monday she cancelled our plans, and I found out she was at her moms. Ditto for Tuesday, Wed she texted for me to “please try and understand”, she “is scared”, and “can’t help herself”, that I am “very important” to her., and that I should “try and be patient”.
Of course my response was that she knows exactly what to do because she told me herself (get away from family and go to meetings). That I have been “patient” for 2 years and she still chooses drugs first. That it is her life and if it makes her happy to party on (can you feel the resentment and anger…) She is getting worse and knows it.
For me I am trying my best to no longer fall into the trap (like getting mad when she cancels or doesn’t follow thru). I haven’t heard from her in 2 days and have that pit in my stomach. I am fighting not to call her. I am at the point for the first time when I am starting to lose hope, yet at the same time she seems to be as close as she has ever been to getting to taking the right steps (action). I unfortunately seem to be as addicted to her as she is her DOC and mother. I can’t find the strength to tell her I am done, though I am getting closer and closer. The last time I did she freaked out and I back-peddled. I am just not quite ready to let go, even though it is killing me.
I feel like she is right there. She hasn’t called in 2 days now, not a rare thing for her. She has no friends, only her family. I am the only healthy thing in her life. In fact she told me she never “realized how messed up I was until I met you”. I was the only person to tell her it was rude not to show up, not call, etc. Her family is all the same as her so they all consider that normal. I gave her “hope”.
Babble, babble, babble. I just don’t know what the best move is. I am taking care of myself in the sense that I am going out with friends, still hike, bike and keep active. I would like to see her in recovery, but I know it’s all in her park. I guess I will just not communicate until she reaches out to me. Dang hard. It rips my heart out waiting for the phone to ring. Then I get mad and want to call her tell her it is rude that she hasn’t responded to me . Course that’ll just push her further away. Then I want to just send an “I’m thinking of you and love you” text but then I am too available. I know I should be at Al Anon, but so far I am just getting strength from these boards. God, I could use some advice, encouragement or suggestions – or all of them! This sucks and I am sure many of you have been down this road before. Should I call? Text? Wait for her? What should I say if she calls? We both have said many times “it can’t keep going like this”.
The only way I see myself as co-dependant is that I keep taking her back. She has lied and not followed thru more times than I can remember. At the same time, in the past month she has verbalized things she never has before (as above). She even brought home a NA meeting list. We had a good weekend together. Then Monday she cancelled our plans, and I found out she was at her moms. Ditto for Tuesday, Wed she texted for me to “please try and understand”, she “is scared”, and “can’t help herself”, that I am “very important” to her., and that I should “try and be patient”.
Of course my response was that she knows exactly what to do because she told me herself (get away from family and go to meetings). That I have been “patient” for 2 years and she still chooses drugs first. That it is her life and if it makes her happy to party on (can you feel the resentment and anger…) She is getting worse and knows it.
For me I am trying my best to no longer fall into the trap (like getting mad when she cancels or doesn’t follow thru). I haven’t heard from her in 2 days and have that pit in my stomach. I am fighting not to call her. I am at the point for the first time when I am starting to lose hope, yet at the same time she seems to be as close as she has ever been to getting to taking the right steps (action). I unfortunately seem to be as addicted to her as she is her DOC and mother. I can’t find the strength to tell her I am done, though I am getting closer and closer. The last time I did she freaked out and I back-peddled. I am just not quite ready to let go, even though it is killing me.
I feel like she is right there. She hasn’t called in 2 days now, not a rare thing for her. She has no friends, only her family. I am the only healthy thing in her life. In fact she told me she never “realized how messed up I was until I met you”. I was the only person to tell her it was rude not to show up, not call, etc. Her family is all the same as her so they all consider that normal. I gave her “hope”.
Babble, babble, babble. I just don’t know what the best move is. I am taking care of myself in the sense that I am going out with friends, still hike, bike and keep active. I would like to see her in recovery, but I know it’s all in her park. I guess I will just not communicate until she reaches out to me. Dang hard. It rips my heart out waiting for the phone to ring. Then I get mad and want to call her tell her it is rude that she hasn’t responded to me . Course that’ll just push her further away. Then I want to just send an “I’m thinking of you and love you” text but then I am too available. I know I should be at Al Anon, but so far I am just getting strength from these boards. God, I could use some advice, encouragement or suggestions – or all of them! This sucks and I am sure many of you have been down this road before. Should I call? Text? Wait for her? What should I say if she calls? We both have said many times “it can’t keep going like this”.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I am a little confused by your post. I am assuming you are both over 21. Do you each have your own place? Do you each have a job & are self supporting?
Is it you that wants her to quit smoking pot or does she want to stop?
If you cannt accept the fact that she smokes weed you must end it. The only kind of love you can build a lifetime on is unconditional love. If your love for her is conditional................that she quits smoking weed or forget it, then you had better get the strength to end it.
A person will never stop doing anything because someone else wants them to.
Did you know she smoked pot when you started dating her?
In order to answer your post intelligently I need more information.
Is it you that wants her to quit smoking pot or does she want to stop?
If you cannt accept the fact that she smokes weed you must end it. The only kind of love you can build a lifetime on is unconditional love. If your love for her is conditional................that she quits smoking weed or forget it, then you had better get the strength to end it.
A person will never stop doing anything because someone else wants them to.
Did you know she smoked pot when you started dating her?
In order to answer your post intelligently I need more information.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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A little more info - I am 38, she is 30. run my own business and also own my own home. She just got her own place about 2 months ago. She was previously living with her sister and her sisters b/f for 5-6 years. Was married at 18 for 8 months in the typical low self-esteem/low self-esteem relationship where he put her down and held her back. She smoked pot with her sister and started when she was 14 or so. Sister is violent and manipulated her but she felt she had to be there to help financially. She then started staying with her mom and brother at their place - they all smoked together there. Also she would stay at my house. There is a long history of violence in her family. I came from a solid home. Parents still married and no substance abuse of any kind. I was trying to have her move in with me but she held it against me that early in the relationship when she wanted to move in I was against it. I felt she was just looking for a free ride. She was resistant against moving in because she now questioned my change of heart and motives (I sought counseling and decided just to overcome my fear of intimacy). I also think she didn’t move in because I was against her smoking pot in my home. She now has her own place but the last time I was there it still doesn’t look like she stays there. It’s either with me or at her moms. Occasionally she may be staying there. She lives in fear, of everything. I think she just wants a safe place to go if she needs too. Mom also can be violent.
She wants to quit. She said “I don’t want to live like this anymore”, “I no longer have control”. She even got an NA meeting list. She just can’t find the strength to do it. I don’t mind if she smoked once in a while – like a weekend, or at a party or something. At first I was against it, but with lots of talking to people I realize it was really no different than me having a beer. Fact is she can’t control it and is unreliable because of it. We used to hike and bike and be real active, now she just hangs with her mom and smokes. I am still active. So, she wants to quit – and if it is reasonable and controlled not a deal breaker. I think she is beyond that point now though. I didn’t know the first year because she hid it so well – like a true addict. I just happened to stumble in on her once. She said she was “quitting”. That was 2 yrs ago….
She wants to quit. She said “I don’t want to live like this anymore”, “I no longer have control”. She even got an NA meeting list. She just can’t find the strength to do it. I don’t mind if she smoked once in a while – like a weekend, or at a party or something. At first I was against it, but with lots of talking to people I realize it was really no different than me having a beer. Fact is she can’t control it and is unreliable because of it. We used to hike and bike and be real active, now she just hangs with her mom and smokes. I am still active. So, she wants to quit – and if it is reasonable and controlled not a deal breaker. I think she is beyond that point now though. I didn’t know the first year because she hid it so well – like a true addict. I just happened to stumble in on her once. She said she was “quitting”. That was 2 yrs ago….
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Join Date: May 2005
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IMO it seems like she is telling you all the things she knows you want to hear...anything that will keep you where she is comfortable and she can continue her drug use, until you bring it up again... then it will be something else...
Please take care of you...she will stop only when she is ready...
Please take care of you...she will stop only when she is ready...
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To some extent I agree. That is my fear, that she is just telling me what I want to hear. Not being an addict I can't imagine how much it takes to change an addictive habit. I know myself, and I need to talk myself into taking on anything big, or making big changes.
I know she will only stop when she is ready. I guess my wonder is what I can do to support or faciliate that - besides flat out leaving her. She is growing tired of the life, and being unhappy. There is no real consequence to her actions because most people around her accpet it, and do it too. I am the only one who doesn't, and she doesn't seem fazed at all by being distant from me because she has them. The killer of it is they are her family - not only will she need to leave her "friends" behind to have success, but her family too. Those would be a very tough place to be.
I am trying not to give an Ultimatum - as I know that just gets people to do things they aren't really wanting too and seldom works for the better. If I reach my breaking point, I will simply tell her she is not meeting my needs and I have decided to be open to seeing other people if the opportunity arises. I just wondering if others found themselves in simliar situations and what they did, or what the outcome was....
I know she will only stop when she is ready. I guess my wonder is what I can do to support or faciliate that - besides flat out leaving her. She is growing tired of the life, and being unhappy. There is no real consequence to her actions because most people around her accpet it, and do it too. I am the only one who doesn't, and she doesn't seem fazed at all by being distant from me because she has them. The killer of it is they are her family - not only will she need to leave her "friends" behind to have success, but her family too. Those would be a very tough place to be.
I am trying not to give an Ultimatum - as I know that just gets people to do things they aren't really wanting too and seldom works for the better. If I reach my breaking point, I will simply tell her she is not meeting my needs and I have decided to be open to seeing other people if the opportunity arises. I just wondering if others found themselves in simliar situations and what they did, or what the outcome was....
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If you really don't want to give her an ultimatum, what about helping her find a rehab to check in to? In the event that she means what she is telling you and is just having that hard of a time sticking with it, she will more than likely need to be in an inpatient situation to be able to fully get away from the people she likes to use with. That way, if she does not act on the info you give her, you will know that she is leading you on. And as much as I hate to say it, it really sounds like that is the case. Addicts are great at making people believe what they want them to believe. It's how they keep you around to enable them. And enabling doesn't necessarily mean giving them money to go buy the drugs; this could be something even so simple as making them feel like what they are doing is okay. What have you done, other than talking to her about it, to let her know that what she does is absolutely unacceptable? After all, actions speak louder than words... and I see where you say that even if you are not around, she has her family to fall back on. Unfortunately, this is why most addicts do not hit their bottom for a long, long time. They have too many other options. But sticking around just because she will be distracted from your absense by her family is only going to lead to more pain on your end, and not to mention making her one person stronger in her addiction.
You are both in my prayers. *hugs*
You are both in my prayers. *hugs*
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
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I would be the last person to say to someone "leave them"...
My RAH has over 19 months clean and in active recovery....I stayed with him throughout his active use... I believed in him.... Don't get me wrong... I did my share of begging, crying, screaming, threatnening...you name it, I did it. But I believed that the real him, the him before the addiction, would resurface...
It took ALOT of working on MYSELF... with naranon and alanon. I was able to seperate the addiction from him... Practed setting and keeping boundaries... Alot of backstepping, and also taking giant steps forward with my resolve.
As to what you can do to support her... Love her for her...but don't let her run your life. You are doing good for yourself by staying active with the things you like to do. Keep doing it. If she joins in...great, if not...enjoy the time for yourself. Hard at first, I know, but I always looked at it as time to work on me, heal myself.
She brought home an NA list... maybe you could ask her if she would like you to go with her...maybe to ease her fears...
One of the best things I learned... try not to have expectations...they only lead to hurt and resentments when they don't turn out the way you wanted. I know it is only natural to expect the person you love to do or act a certain way...but with this disease, it is best to live in the moment with what you have while together, to enjoy it.
My RAH has over 19 months clean and in active recovery....I stayed with him throughout his active use... I believed in him.... Don't get me wrong... I did my share of begging, crying, screaming, threatnening...you name it, I did it. But I believed that the real him, the him before the addiction, would resurface...
It took ALOT of working on MYSELF... with naranon and alanon. I was able to seperate the addiction from him... Practed setting and keeping boundaries... Alot of backstepping, and also taking giant steps forward with my resolve.
As to what you can do to support her... Love her for her...but don't let her run your life. You are doing good for yourself by staying active with the things you like to do. Keep doing it. If she joins in...great, if not...enjoy the time for yourself. Hard at first, I know, but I always looked at it as time to work on me, heal myself.
She brought home an NA list... maybe you could ask her if she would like you to go with her...maybe to ease her fears...
One of the best things I learned... try not to have expectations...they only lead to hurt and resentments when they don't turn out the way you wanted. I know it is only natural to expect the person you love to do or act a certain way...but with this disease, it is best to live in the moment with what you have while together, to enjoy it.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Thank you all for the responses. It really does help me to read and write about this. If nothing else it shows me in B&W just what behavior and treatment I am allowing myself to tolerate.
Inpatient is impossible. She works in the medical field and does not want it known (by the long absence or word of mouth). Money is the other obstical - she has none really.
"She brought home an NA list... maybe you could ask her if she would like you to go with her...maybe to ease her fears..."I told her if she was scared I'd go to NA with her. She asked if I would just walk her to the door, she wanted to do it alone. She is afraid I would do all the talking and she knows she needs to do it herself. I told her I wouldn't say a word, that she is right. Or I'd just drop her off, whatever. I should have found a meeting right then.
No expectations? I have heard and thought about that often. Not sure I can deal with, or want a life where I can't have expectations without faith it would come true. To me looking forward to things is sometimes as much fun as the thing itself. Again, that is why I keep getting hurt though.
"she does not act on the info you give her, you will know that she is leading you on. And as much as I hate to say it, it really sounds like that is the case".
That is what I am starting to believe (and thanks for saying it - I need a smack in the face, or more apparently). Not that she is leading me on, I think she really does want it, and mean it, at the time. I think it comes in waves. Obviously if she were there, 100% commited she would have acted by now. When she is with me out of the cycle and away from the temptation I think she means what she says, at that time. Then life comes along, or the desire to get high, she misses her best friend (her mom) and then it is just old habits and she loses her way. Fails in her eyes, and the effort is "wreaked now" so she might as well just keep using. Then she somehow gets away enough to have a moment of clarity and the desire to change and it starts over. I am sure it is a cycle many users go thru (?). She has very low self esteem and just does not believe in herself at all. I don't think she'll ever really crash hard enough to despertly seek treatment. She has too many around her to enable her ways. Not only that, they actually pull her back in when she starts to get some momentum. She just wants a better life, but I don't think that is enough to set the wheels in motion.
"What have you done, other than talking to her about it, to let her know that what she does is absolutely unacceptable?" great question, I don't know. What do you do besides end it? Take a break? That's just a free pass. I have verbalized it in a million different ways. Then she'll make a token effort, agree, and where back where we started in a few days. I need to make her agree to something. What ultimatley ends up happening is she tells me she won't "be controlled". If I ask her to come up with something it never happens.
As much as she wants to be out, she is still in full on addict mode. She is finally no longer in denial that she has no control over it, but that's about it. I guess that's a good thing but so all it is now is an out of control user. How long from there to active recovery though? Could be a day, or never
Inpatient is impossible. She works in the medical field and does not want it known (by the long absence or word of mouth). Money is the other obstical - she has none really.
"She brought home an NA list... maybe you could ask her if she would like you to go with her...maybe to ease her fears..."I told her if she was scared I'd go to NA with her. She asked if I would just walk her to the door, she wanted to do it alone. She is afraid I would do all the talking and she knows she needs to do it herself. I told her I wouldn't say a word, that she is right. Or I'd just drop her off, whatever. I should have found a meeting right then.
No expectations? I have heard and thought about that often. Not sure I can deal with, or want a life where I can't have expectations without faith it would come true. To me looking forward to things is sometimes as much fun as the thing itself. Again, that is why I keep getting hurt though.
"she does not act on the info you give her, you will know that she is leading you on. And as much as I hate to say it, it really sounds like that is the case".
That is what I am starting to believe (and thanks for saying it - I need a smack in the face, or more apparently). Not that she is leading me on, I think she really does want it, and mean it, at the time. I think it comes in waves. Obviously if she were there, 100% commited she would have acted by now. When she is with me out of the cycle and away from the temptation I think she means what she says, at that time. Then life comes along, or the desire to get high, she misses her best friend (her mom) and then it is just old habits and she loses her way. Fails in her eyes, and the effort is "wreaked now" so she might as well just keep using. Then she somehow gets away enough to have a moment of clarity and the desire to change and it starts over. I am sure it is a cycle many users go thru (?). She has very low self esteem and just does not believe in herself at all. I don't think she'll ever really crash hard enough to despertly seek treatment. She has too many around her to enable her ways. Not only that, they actually pull her back in when she starts to get some momentum. She just wants a better life, but I don't think that is enough to set the wheels in motion.
"What have you done, other than talking to her about it, to let her know that what she does is absolutely unacceptable?" great question, I don't know. What do you do besides end it? Take a break? That's just a free pass. I have verbalized it in a million different ways. Then she'll make a token effort, agree, and where back where we started in a few days. I need to make her agree to something. What ultimatley ends up happening is she tells me she won't "be controlled". If I ask her to come up with something it never happens.
As much as she wants to be out, she is still in full on addict mode. She is finally no longer in denial that she has no control over it, but that's about it. I guess that's a good thing but so all it is now is an out of control user. How long from there to active recovery though? Could be a day, or never
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear IPT, I don't know if this will help but here goes,
Many yrs ago I married a compulsive gambler ( I was 18 ) After 10yrs, 2 children, a divorce, remarriage, another divorce......I ended it for good.
Not long after we broke up my sister fixed me up with a blind date. He was a really great guy & fell in love with me. Now I was a smoker..........not weed but cigarettes. He hated cigs as his beloved grandfather died of emphysema. He asked me to quit smoking before we got more involved. I did not want to quit but didn't want to stop seing him so I lied. I said I would quit & smoked behind his bk every chance I got.
He took me to Jamaica on a vacation & while there he found my cigs & realized I never quit. We did not break up because of this. It ended after 2 yrs because when I met him I really was in no way shape or form ready to start a new relationship. After we broke up I mourned this relationship for many yrs. Every guy I dated after him I compared and they all came up short. I stayed alone with my 2 sons until I was 35 & met my present husband. During the yrs I was alone I wked on myself. I finished college & started wk as an RN. I knew what I did not want in a relationship.
By the time I met Jim I was ready. I wanted a husband but KNEW I didn't need 1 to survive.
I guess what I am trying to say is if a relationship doesn't fit & doesn't go easy it probably is not the one your HP meant you to be with. Love is not suppossed to be hard,
Jim accepted me totally, unconditionally, just like I was. ( smoking cigs & all ) He never tried to change me. There was nothing I did that he couldn't live with & vice a versa.
That IMHO is the only way a relkationship can work & go the distance. When we are young we think love conquers all but its not true. Love is not enough.
Why don't you spend your time alone wking on you. When you are ready for a relationship I know your HP will send you the right one. You cannot save another person, you are setting yourself up for failure if you try. The way things are now it is not a relationship of 2 equals.
I am now 61 & married to Jim 24 yrs this Nov. Life is very hard & sends you many unexpected problems. I believe the reason our love has stood through all these hugh problems is that it is & always has been a relationship btw 2 equals.
Every posts you write is about her..................I think if you start focusing on yourself & what you want & need in a partner you would be much better off, and alot happier. We all have a HP. Let her HP deal with her & let your HP deal with you.
I am sorry if I said anything out of line or over stepped my bounds, this is just MHO.
Many yrs ago I married a compulsive gambler ( I was 18 ) After 10yrs, 2 children, a divorce, remarriage, another divorce......I ended it for good.
Not long after we broke up my sister fixed me up with a blind date. He was a really great guy & fell in love with me. Now I was a smoker..........not weed but cigarettes. He hated cigs as his beloved grandfather died of emphysema. He asked me to quit smoking before we got more involved. I did not want to quit but didn't want to stop seing him so I lied. I said I would quit & smoked behind his bk every chance I got.
He took me to Jamaica on a vacation & while there he found my cigs & realized I never quit. We did not break up because of this. It ended after 2 yrs because when I met him I really was in no way shape or form ready to start a new relationship. After we broke up I mourned this relationship for many yrs. Every guy I dated after him I compared and they all came up short. I stayed alone with my 2 sons until I was 35 & met my present husband. During the yrs I was alone I wked on myself. I finished college & started wk as an RN. I knew what I did not want in a relationship.
By the time I met Jim I was ready. I wanted a husband but KNEW I didn't need 1 to survive.
I guess what I am trying to say is if a relationship doesn't fit & doesn't go easy it probably is not the one your HP meant you to be with. Love is not suppossed to be hard,
Jim accepted me totally, unconditionally, just like I was. ( smoking cigs & all ) He never tried to change me. There was nothing I did that he couldn't live with & vice a versa.
That IMHO is the only way a relkationship can work & go the distance. When we are young we think love conquers all but its not true. Love is not enough.
Why don't you spend your time alone wking on you. When you are ready for a relationship I know your HP will send you the right one. You cannot save another person, you are setting yourself up for failure if you try. The way things are now it is not a relationship of 2 equals.
I am now 61 & married to Jim 24 yrs this Nov. Life is very hard & sends you many unexpected problems. I believe the reason our love has stood through all these hugh problems is that it is & always has been a relationship btw 2 equals.
Every posts you write is about her..................I think if you start focusing on yourself & what you want & need in a partner you would be much better off, and alot happier. We all have a HP. Let her HP deal with her & let your HP deal with you.
I am sorry if I said anything out of line or over stepped my bounds, this is just MHO.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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rozied - no overstepping at all. I appreciate you sharing your experience and it is proabably what I needed to hear 
Though since I am clearly addicted to her - I am still in some denial The 2 equals was a good point. We're not equals on a lot of levels, but it seems like more of an issue for her than me. It further lowers her self worth I guess. Truth is I am okay being alone (I just don't do transitions out of a relationship well).
I focused mostly on her since I was trying to see if her actions and words were interpreted differently by those with experience. Like many have said, people with addictions do not act or do things like "normal" people. I wanted to see if there was a better approach that I could take to support her.
That being said, after reading tons on here, and elsewhere I am going to stick strong to my new plan (because "nothing changes, if nothing changes"). Basically that is to no longer chase her or coerce her to be in this relationship. I don't mind the occasional Pot smoking (though I think at this time both her and I know that is not possible), I cannot accept her not being around for days and cancelling all the time. I will step back and let her live without input, correction and most importantly negative and unaccepting[I]reactions[I]from me regarding her actoions or choices. At the end of the day (or week, month as it may be) either our needs are being meet or they are not. I agree it should be easier so I am going to stop trying so hard and let go a little. Thanks
Though since I am clearly addicted to her - I am still in some denial
The 2 equals was a good point. We're not equals on a lot of levels, but it seems like more of an issue for her than me. It further lowers her self worth I guess. Truth is I am okay being alone (I just don't do transitions out of a relationship well). I focused mostly on her since I was trying to see if her actions and words were interpreted differently by those with experience. Like many have said, people with addictions do not act or do things like "normal" people. I wanted to see if there was a better approach that I could take to support her.
That being said, after reading tons on here, and elsewhere I am going to stick strong to my new plan (because "nothing changes, if nothing changes"). Basically that is to no longer chase her or coerce her to be in this relationship. I don't mind the occasional Pot smoking (though I think at this time both her and I know that is not possible), I cannot accept her not being around for days and cancelling all the time. I will step back and let her live without input, correction and most importantly negative and unaccepting[I]reactions[I]from me regarding her actoions or choices. At the end of the day (or week, month as it may be) either our needs are being meet or they are not. I agree it should be easier so I am going to stop trying so hard and let go a little. Thanks
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Well, it's harder than I thought (at this moment at least). How strange that I am addicted to someone who is addicted (to a drug). Wonder if the "withdrawl" symtpoms feel the same? That pit in my stomach and uneasiness in my heart, fear really. I'd like to think that I am important enough in her life that she would reach out to me, but alass she is addicted to something else. Yet, what about in the AM when she wakes -and is straight? I need to change where I focus my thoughts - I'l drive myself mad.
I cognitively know I shouldn't base my worth on someone elses reactions, but it doesn't feel good when you give so much to someone and don't have it reciprocated. My fault for choosing someone emotionally unavailable, but it still hurts just the same. Especially when they tell you all the things you want to hear and leave you believing (or at least hoping) they really do care for you.
I will stick to my guns and not chase or coerce her, but I will also begin mentally disassembling the fantasy world of hope that I was living in in my head. It's only been 2 days, but I think I see where it's going. I will give myself 'till September to let her make her own choices and show her I am no longer chasing her or calling her all the time (though some feel like a slow withdrawal doesn't have the rock bottom effect of just pulling out at once - question is, am I doing this too get her to straighten up, or what? I'd be lying if I said there was not an alterior motive for my action to try and get her to act to help herself, which in itself would help us). At least if I keep my cool she won't be able to blame her absence on me or my actions. It'll purely be her choice and I will have to decide if that is accpetable to me or not. Right now it is not, and that is why the past 2 years have been a hellish roller coaster ride. I do not want to accept this any longer.
I cognitively know I shouldn't base my worth on someone elses reactions, but it doesn't feel good when you give so much to someone and don't have it reciprocated. My fault for choosing someone emotionally unavailable, but it still hurts just the same. Especially when they tell you all the things you want to hear and leave you believing (or at least hoping) they really do care for you.
I will stick to my guns and not chase or coerce her, but I will also begin mentally disassembling the fantasy world of hope that I was living in in my head. It's only been 2 days, but I think I see where it's going. I will give myself 'till September to let her make her own choices and show her I am no longer chasing her or calling her all the time (though some feel like a slow withdrawal doesn't have the rock bottom effect of just pulling out at once - question is, am I doing this too get her to straighten up, or what? I'd be lying if I said there was not an alterior motive for my action to try and get her to act to help herself, which in itself would help us). At least if I keep my cool she won't be able to blame her absence on me or my actions. It'll purely be her choice and I will have to decide if that is accpetable to me or not. Right now it is not, and that is why the past 2 years have been a hellish roller coaster ride. I do not want to accept this any longer.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
What helped me in my recovery was to live in each day...Setting deadlines for when behavior might change; making my plans so that they might change the actions and reactions of someone else and projecting into the future really kept my focus on the addict and not on how I could change me and be more comfortable in my own skin. My big aha moment was realizing that I was making just as many excuses not to work on me as the addict was to not stop using. If I was expecting my loved one to change and sitting back and watching instead of working on me, nothing much was going to happen.
Face to face meetings and lots of recovery reading and well as coming here, really helped me stay on my own path. As I became healthier, my outlook changed and I had an entirely different perspective. I find recovery incredibly empowering and satisfying.
Face to face meetings and lots of recovery reading and well as coming here, really helped me stay on my own path. As I became healthier, my outlook changed and I had an entirely different perspective. I find recovery incredibly empowering and satisfying.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear IPT, Noone said it was going to be easy. It is very sad when we fall in love with someone who is an addict.............( they don't even have to be an addict ) it hurts when we love someone & for whatever reasons they are not emotionally available.
I am sure you have heard it said here, nothing changes if nothing changes. Now you are changing your behaviour, so either she changes hers or the relationship will eventually end. Of course it hurts & it is very hard. For two yrs your life has been entwined with hers.
Look at it this way, you are better off finding out now before you are married & have a family. I wish I had broken up with my ex before we were married, and had children. My sons were 9 & 2 when I ended it & growing up in a broken home is very hard on children.
What did you do with your free time before you met her? Do the things you enjoy. Make yourself happy, go out with your friends, visit your family, do whatever it is you did before. Do you have any hobbys? I know my faith helped me alot. Live in the present moment. I firmly believe that's why children & animals are so happy. They live in the present moment.
I am sure you have heard it said here, nothing changes if nothing changes. Now you are changing your behaviour, so either she changes hers or the relationship will eventually end. Of course it hurts & it is very hard. For two yrs your life has been entwined with hers.
Look at it this way, you are better off finding out now before you are married & have a family. I wish I had broken up with my ex before we were married, and had children. My sons were 9 & 2 when I ended it & growing up in a broken home is very hard on children.
What did you do with your free time before you met her? Do the things you enjoy. Make yourself happy, go out with your friends, visit your family, do whatever it is you did before. Do you have any hobbys? I know my faith helped me alot. Live in the present moment. I firmly believe that's why children & animals are so happy. They live in the present moment.
Last edited by rozied; 07-27-2008 at 03:08 PM. Reason: spelling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
greeteachday - thanks, there I was feeling focused on me! In a way I was, and am, but yeah there sure is an implication that it is to get action or change from her. Man, this is some tricky stuff. I never thought of myself as a controlling person. I guess I just never found myself around someone out of control. Or is that not fair to say?
Rozied - as with your other posts you are right. appreciate you sharing your experience.
Thank you both, and everyone else for your time and the wisdom in your replies. It's helping me a lot at a tough time
Rozied - as with your other posts you are right. appreciate you sharing your experience
.Thank you both, and everyone else for your time and the wisdom in your replies. It's helping me a lot at a tough time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
So, we finally spoke today, after 5 days of little communication except a text or two. She said she is struggling, and how difficult it was to stop herself. She is afraid because all her life she has been responsible for trying to keep her tattered family together, and now she feels like she will need to abandon them. That it’s not right that they are the enemy (they use with her, and enable one another). I told her one way or another that is going to happen if she is going to get better. It may not be for 10 years, or they may leave her first, but it will happen. I told her I know it’s hard to change because I have been trying not to pressure her and let her do as she chooses. She said she noticed and then said “you are doing much better then me”.
She then agreed to talk more tonight and I was going to call at 9:30. She said she would go to her own apt because she needed to be responsible. If she stayed there she may not make it too work again (she didn’t go today). Well I called at 9:30 and got her voice mail. Then she texted back 5 mins later “I am still with my mom. Can this wait to tomorrow...”. Man I wanted to reply “no, I am sick of coming second, etc, etc. “. What I did instead was called her and calmly left a message saying, “no, it really can’t wait until tomorrow. I told you that I would not pressure you to do anything though so it is up to you what you do. You made a commitment to me and I expected you to follow through with it. It’s up to you what action you choose to take now. Maybe I made a mistake today (oops), hopefully I hear from you in a little while, Good night”.
I am still hurt though, but again I have only myself to blame for putting myself in that spot again. I just don’t think she is ready, but I think (hope) I gave a good response tonight. Did I? Could I have done something better? What tomorrow when she calls and says “sorry” I couldn’t call you back?
She then agreed to talk more tonight and I was going to call at 9:30. She said she would go to her own apt because she needed to be responsible. If she stayed there she may not make it too work again (she didn’t go today). Well I called at 9:30 and got her voice mail. Then she texted back 5 mins later “I am still with my mom. Can this wait to tomorrow...”. Man I wanted to reply “no, I am sick of coming second, etc, etc. “. What I did instead was called her and calmly left a message saying, “no, it really can’t wait until tomorrow. I told you that I would not pressure you to do anything though so it is up to you what you do. You made a commitment to me and I expected you to follow through with it. It’s up to you what action you choose to take now. Maybe I made a mistake today (oops), hopefully I hear from you in a little while, Good night”.
I am still hurt though, but again I have only myself to blame for putting myself in that spot again. I just don’t think she is ready, but I think (hope) I gave a good response tonight. Did I? Could I have done something better? What tomorrow when she calls and says “sorry” I couldn’t call you back?
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi IPT, First off what did u mean when u said to her maybe I made a mistake today?? What mistake were u referring to? I can give my opinion about the rest though. Do you I think you made way too much of a big deal over a phone call. You could have called but left a message like I was really looking fwd to talking to you, give me a call as soon as you get time. Or Hi honey I really miss you, call me when you can. I do understand how you feel after 5 days of not hearing from her you wanted to talk. You are tired of coming last place to her family, I also see her using you as her confessor. By telling you how she missed wk cuz of her family etc etc she put you in a difficult place. She is the 1 telling u how bad her family is for her but then she always goes to them.
I also think to talk about 2 yrs worth of issues a phone call is not the place to start. Next time you two plan to spend time together and agree to talk about your relationship & feelings that is the time to bring things up.
Keep on wking on your issues, what r u doing with your time when u don't see her?
I also think to talk about 2 yrs worth of issues a phone call is not the place to start. Next time you two plan to spend time together and agree to talk about your relationship & feelings that is the time to bring things up.
Keep on wking on your issues, what r u doing with your time when u don't see her?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Thanks Rozied for the reply - FYI I looked for a Naranon around here. The nearest one is 3 1/2 hours away and only meets once a wk! Perils of living in a small town. My free time? I'm doing anything I can. Reading, coming here, going for bike rides and working out more, watching movies, going out with friends when available (not often because most have kids).
The mistake I said I may have made was that during our conversation earlier in the day I said that I would forgive her and keep trust in her. I felt hurt of course that she wouldn’t answer my call later that night when we agreed to talk, so I said “maybe I made a mistake” (thinking about forgiving her and setting myself again to be hurt) I shouldn't have said that and that was my "opps".
After coming second so many times I guess I am fighting to be “worth it” and come first (cognitively I understand the error of this and I am trying to change it. Of course our self worth come from within ). Also, It was not as much the lost phone call as it was her not breaking the cycle, or following thru, just doing the same thing. It kills me to hear someone verbalize their plan and then not put it into action, again, and again.
I tried to break my pattern by not being mad, accusing her of hurting me, or telling her she can't be trusted. Instead I tried to just focus on the facts. It was her choice, she committed to something for both herself and me. I needed actions from her not just words (said in a calm tone). Is it wrong to point that out?
Guess I need to detach even more -and I am trying. Hopefully I will se her tonight. Of course now her Moms car is broken so they will be carpooling for who knows how long (ugh..). Changing my actions are one thing, accepting my feelings of being let down are totally another. How many times until you accept that someone is just not ready to change and shouldn’t be trusted? Apparently quite a few.
Thank you for listening and you words. It’s helping me keep sane, and to focus where I need to be. It also helps to have an outside opinion of one’s actions. It’s pretty twisted in my head right now . This insanity has left me wondering what is a normal expectation or not.
The mistake I said I may have made was that during our conversation earlier in the day I said that I would forgive her and keep trust in her. I felt hurt of course that she wouldn’t answer my call later that night when we agreed to talk, so I said “maybe I made a mistake” (thinking about forgiving her and setting myself again to be hurt) I shouldn't have said that and that was my "opps".
After coming second so many times I guess I am fighting to be “worth it” and come first (cognitively I understand the error of this and I am trying to change it. Of course our self worth come from within ). Also, It was not as much the lost phone call as it was her not breaking the cycle, or following thru, just doing the same thing. It kills me to hear someone verbalize their plan and then not put it into action, again, and again.
I tried to break my pattern by not being mad, accusing her of hurting me, or telling her she can't be trusted. Instead I tried to just focus on the facts. It was her choice, she committed to something for both herself and me. I needed actions from her not just words (said in a calm tone). Is it wrong to point that out?
Guess I need to detach even more -and I am trying. Hopefully I will se her tonight. Of course now her Moms car is broken so they will be carpooling for who knows how long (ugh..). Changing my actions are one thing, accepting my feelings of being let down are totally another. How many times until you accept that someone is just not ready to change and shouldn’t be trusted? Apparently quite a few.
Thank you for listening and you words. It’s helping me keep sane, and to focus where I need to be. It also helps to have an outside opinion of one’s actions. It’s pretty twisted in my head right now . This insanity has left me wondering what is a normal expectation or not.
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