My Friend with a problem
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
My Friend with a problem
Hi,
I have a good friend that is an alcoholic, I didn't really realize it until the beginning of this year. When I used to go to parties and he'd be the one getting super drunk but I thought this was an occasional thing. The more that I hung out with him the more I realized that alcohol is always part of the equation. I started to realize that my friend can't control his drinking and has to get drunk or have a drink every 4-5 days. He had a pretty serious accident where he was taking medication and couldn't drink and even then after 5-6 days he was drinking again.
We've had brief conversations about his drinking and getting better and although he says he's going to stop drinking or do it in moderation, I honestly don't think it's possible anymore. It's a hardcore physical/mental addiction. I noticed this the other night when we were at a concert and he kept saying that he wanted a drink (he didn't have the money to buy it on his own) and kept trying to get me and others to buy him a drink. In the guise of "Come'on lets all get some more drinks" I said I'm fine, but you could tell he was getting really antsy and actually ended up leaving early. It was the first time that I saw my friend look like a desperate addict.
I, like many of his older friends, no longer enjoy being around him when he's drinking because it often means having to take him home or put up with him being belligerent. I don't feel like being around him and it's no longer fun and it's embarrassing. I'm trying to be a role-model by showing him that you can have fun without drinking by doing sports or going to bars with friends and having a club soda instead of alcohol...but I'm not really an expert...I don't really know what to do.
More recently he had his birthday, which was advertised as a big drinking fest by him and held at a bar. After all the recent events and knowing that alcohol was such a big problem, I ended up not going. I didn't want to condone his self destructive behavior...of course I partially am fed up with him but partially also feel badly for not showing up on his birthday. Even worse he's now making me feel guilty for not showing up.
I'd like some advice.
My instinct is to tell him the reason I didn't go to his party is because
1) I don't want to see him get closer to his death when we're supposed to celebrate his birth. I.e. I don't want to be a part of his self destructive behavior
2) I don't enjoy being around him when he's drunk. It's tough to say because I've been drunk around him before...so it's a bit hypocritical
3) I'm fed up with him saying that he's going to get on the wagon or slow down his drinking when he doesn't...it's just being dishonest.
I don't want to make his situation worse but I feel he's got to take responsibility for his actions. It's his birthday, he showed up at mine and celebrated my birthday but I don't show up at his. I guess it makes me look like an a**hole. Had his party not been all about drinking and been advertised as such I would have had no problem going...
I don't know anymore and would love to hear from others
Please.
Thanks for all and any advice.
I have a good friend that is an alcoholic, I didn't really realize it until the beginning of this year. When I used to go to parties and he'd be the one getting super drunk but I thought this was an occasional thing. The more that I hung out with him the more I realized that alcohol is always part of the equation. I started to realize that my friend can't control his drinking and has to get drunk or have a drink every 4-5 days. He had a pretty serious accident where he was taking medication and couldn't drink and even then after 5-6 days he was drinking again.
We've had brief conversations about his drinking and getting better and although he says he's going to stop drinking or do it in moderation, I honestly don't think it's possible anymore. It's a hardcore physical/mental addiction. I noticed this the other night when we were at a concert and he kept saying that he wanted a drink (he didn't have the money to buy it on his own) and kept trying to get me and others to buy him a drink. In the guise of "Come'on lets all get some more drinks" I said I'm fine, but you could tell he was getting really antsy and actually ended up leaving early. It was the first time that I saw my friend look like a desperate addict.
I, like many of his older friends, no longer enjoy being around him when he's drinking because it often means having to take him home or put up with him being belligerent. I don't feel like being around him and it's no longer fun and it's embarrassing. I'm trying to be a role-model by showing him that you can have fun without drinking by doing sports or going to bars with friends and having a club soda instead of alcohol...but I'm not really an expert...I don't really know what to do.
More recently he had his birthday, which was advertised as a big drinking fest by him and held at a bar. After all the recent events and knowing that alcohol was such a big problem, I ended up not going. I didn't want to condone his self destructive behavior...of course I partially am fed up with him but partially also feel badly for not showing up on his birthday. Even worse he's now making me feel guilty for not showing up.
I'd like some advice.
My instinct is to tell him the reason I didn't go to his party is because
1) I don't want to see him get closer to his death when we're supposed to celebrate his birth. I.e. I don't want to be a part of his self destructive behavior
2) I don't enjoy being around him when he's drunk. It's tough to say because I've been drunk around him before...so it's a bit hypocritical
3) I'm fed up with him saying that he's going to get on the wagon or slow down his drinking when he doesn't...it's just being dishonest.
I don't want to make his situation worse but I feel he's got to take responsibility for his actions. It's his birthday, he showed up at mine and celebrated my birthday but I don't show up at his. I guess it makes me look like an a**hole. Had his party not been all about drinking and been advertised as such I would have had no problem going...
I don't know anymore and would love to hear from others
Please.
Thanks for all and any advice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! Ihope you can find the answers you want in here. There are a lot of great supportive people around.
Sounds good to me. You are expresing how you view it and what you think and feel. Its perhaps a part of him beginning to see the consequences of his choices.
But having said that, do not say with any expectation of changing his choices or behaviors. Only he can do that.
Originally Posted by jazz123 
Hi,
My instinct is to tell him the reason I didn't go to his party is because
1) I don't want to see him get closer to his death when we're supposed to celebrate his birth. I.e. I don't want to be a part of his self destructive behavior
2) I don't enjoy being around him when he's drunk. It's tough to say because I've been drunk around him before...so it's a bit hypocritical
3) I'm fed up with him saying that he's going to get on the wagon or slow down his drinking when he doesn't...it's just being dishonest.
My instinct is to tell him the reason I didn't go to his party is because
1) I don't want to see him get closer to his death when we're supposed to celebrate his birth. I.e. I don't want to be a part of his self destructive behavior
2) I don't enjoy being around him when he's drunk. It's tough to say because I've been drunk around him before...so it's a bit hypocritical
3) I'm fed up with him saying that he's going to get on the wagon or slow down his drinking when he doesn't...it's just being dishonest.
But having said that, do not say with any expectation of changing his choices or behaviors. Only he can do that.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
don't want to make his situation worse but I feel he's got to take responsibility for his actions.
I am an alcoholic, the best thing to be done for me, an alcoholic, to help me is to let me hit bottom as quickly and as hard as possible.
How does on do that?
Well if my drinking bothers you, do not tolerate it, if I am drinking.....leave! If I am drinking at your place tell me to leave! If I ask you to buy me a drink........ don't! If I ask to borrow money, do not lend it to me! If I ask you to bail me out or cover for me due to my drinking........... refuse.
Any time you help me in any manner you are enabling me to drink!
If he ask why you did not go to his party tell him the truth!!!!!
The truth may hurt, but it will eventually set him free!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey Jazz, welcome to SR. Have a read of the stickies at the top of the forum, there is lots of good advice there.
i don't think you not attending your friends birthday was wrong of you. If you tell your friend your 3 points (which I think are v good) he will begin to understand that being in active addiction has its consequences. If he feels enough consequences he may hit his bottom and want to get sober.
The big word is 'IF'. You cannot help him out of this, as much as you may want to, he has to want it first. All you can do is look to yourself and keep yourself in a place of sanity and health.
Keep posting!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i don't think you not attending your friends birthday was wrong of you. If you tell your friend your 3 points (which I think are v good) he will begin to understand that being in active addiction has its consequences. If he feels enough consequences he may hit his bottom and want to get sober.
The big word is 'IF'. You cannot help him out of this, as much as you may want to, he has to want it first. All you can do is look to yourself and keep yourself in a place of sanity and health.
Keep posting!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
From your comments it all revolves about hitting your "rock bottom", which is tough because I'm his friend and definitely don't want to drive him to suicide (which in essence is what he's doing anyway with drinking).
The big issue is other friends who don't quite notice that it's a problem, and how to communicate to them that I'm not being cruel or an a**hole, that I actually don't want to participate in his self-destructive behavior?
So far I've been relatively silent in terms of why I don't go to his parties etc.. anymore, because I feel weird about making an announcement that he's an alcoholic. There's a small group of friends that feel the way I do. But there's enough acquaintances and new friends that could be his drinking buddies for a long time.
Luckily I didn't go to the party, because I found out quite a few people were buying him drinks and shots.
The big issue is other friends who don't quite notice that it's a problem, and how to communicate to them that I'm not being cruel or an a**hole, that I actually don't want to participate in his self-destructive behavior?
So far I've been relatively silent in terms of why I don't go to his parties etc.. anymore, because I feel weird about making an announcement that he's an alcoholic. There's a small group of friends that feel the way I do. But there's enough acquaintances and new friends that could be his drinking buddies for a long time.
Luckily I didn't go to the party, because I found out quite a few people were buying him drinks and shots.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Jazz keep your self number one, do not let him drag you down with him.
Always keep the following in mind:
1. You did not cause it.
2. You can not control him.
3. You can not cure him.
It is all in his hands, take care of your self.
Always keep the following in mind:
1. You did not cause it.
2. You can not control him.
3. You can not cure him.
It is all in his hands, take care of your self.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by jazz123
From your comments it all revolves about hitting your "rock bottom", which is tough because I'm his friend and definitely don't want to drive him to suicide (which in essence is what he's doing anyway with drinking).
You aren't that powerful. You don't have the power to save him or push him further into his drinking. You have no control over it one way or another.
Yes its hard to watch someone you care for on a path to self destruction. Believe me, we all know what that's like. But until the alcoholic wants to save themself, it won't happen. Trying to save them can actually hinder the process of their finding their way to sobriety.
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