Berry76

Hey,

I have only a few post on this board but some might have read them, and I got thrown out by my AH and his family with nowhere to go.
Found a place for a couple of days, but he found me there so I had to leave.
So I had to load up and get a rental car and drive 2 states away to where I have friends.

On the way he called me twice and I didn't answer and then I called his niece to see what his mood was, and she said he sounded a bit sad...
So half way along my trip I decide to call him.
And I get this:

So where you planning on saying good bye or anything?
And I said, well you guys threw me out, and then you call my friend to tell her that if she talks to me to never ever contact you again.
Well I didn't mean that...
How was I suppose to know?

I told him to please get help, and that I really do wish him all the luck and that he can get this under control.

He goes on to saying that apparently I know more than the doctors.
He sees a VA shrink once a month but every time he comes back from seeing him he's high on pills and drunk.
So I explained to him that he needs 24/7 rehab and that I really hoped that he would do that for himself cause I really don't want a call saying that you overdid it and was found dead.

He claimed that the seizure that he had was just a mental breakdown and that I had caused it.
But his niece was the one who found him and she knows just as well as I that it was not a mental break down.
Anyways alot of back and forth we hang up.

And I felt so bad, cause I do feel really "sorry" for him and I hate that I had to leave and I couldn't help him.

But then I get a phone call from my friend and he had left a message on her phone saying that may she rotten in hell and cursing her out.

So then I went on to felling mad again.

When does this anger vs feeling guilty stops?
I can't relax cause I worry about him, but then I know I can't do nothing for him. And then back to mad for him not understanding he needs help.

I hope any of this made any sense.
Thanks for listening!

anubus

Your post makes perfect sense. I'm new here myself, so I'm sure somebody will be along to give you better replies, but just wanted to send some hugs out to you...:ghug3..I threw my ABF out last week, and can definately relate to the changes in emotions. This desease is so crazy......we want to help them, yet staying with them only makes US sick. Until they realize they need help themselves, things will never change, and our hands are tied behind our backs......and yes it is VERY emotional.

Be strong, I'm sure it gets better. There HAS to be a rainbow at the end of your journey!!

Barbara52

I found that the emotional rollercoaster got better with time and as I examined who I really am, what I had really been in my marriage. Heck, any break up is difficult. A breakup with all the other issues coming from alcoholism and codependency is even worse.

Expect yourself to react to this. You are mourning what you had, what you dreamt you could have and what you really had. That takes some time and work to get over.

Berry76

Thanks for the good thoughts.
I hope things will work out for you as well!!!

I know he's just manipulating me to come back or what ever...
Cause for 5 years I have said, you better get help or I will leave.

And I have always gotten, I will get help I'm trying so much to change for you and I'm so sorry blah blah blah but every time I stayed and he learned that pretty quickly, but this time is for real and I guess he's trying everything.

It's just so frustrating, when think of the few good times we did have I feel sooo bad for leaving.
Then I think of all the other times and lies and what nots and I get so mad.

It's a freaking roller coaster.
I just hope it will get better once I get close to 5000 miles away from him.
Now I'm only 600 miles away.

Barbara52

Your life can be better whether you are 5000, 600 or 1 mile away from him. My xAH lives about 2 miles from me. It has no effect on me whatsoever. Now its taken time to get where I am but physical distance isn't what takes care of the problems. Learning to let go and to live for yourself makes the difference.

prodigal

I stopped for me when I got serious about my own recovery and left his recovery to HIM. Sure, I feel bad about the choices my AH made, but they were HIS choices; not mine. I'm on my side of the street and I'm keeping it as clean as I can.

I had a boatload of RAGE, blame, feeling life was unfair, I was the victim, blah, blah, blah.

It got better when I looked at the shambles my own life was in and how I had allowed someone else into it to make it that way. My choices. Bad choices. I own those.

Berry76

I guess, I just feel I have nothing here, and the few friends that I have here he is harassing. Cause he cannot contact me, have my phone turned off, and he doesn't have access to a computer. So he'll use them to get to me.

I am really looking forward to go back home and start over fresh.
And just knowing that helps with the guilt trip from time to time

Barbara52

If they allow that to happen, it is their problem not yours. He and they are not yours to control.

I certainly wasn't trying to tell you not to move where ever you want to only to say distance doesn't make a difference. Our own attitudes and behaviors are what make the difference. A person can allow themselves to be harrassed from a world away. A person can stay enmeshed in all the drama from a world away. Or choose not to be.

starflier

I know that feeling! Just make sure you don't make any moves you may regret later just to get away from him. Take care of yourself!

Berry76

Don't worry, I have wanted to move back home for a long time. But I have really tried to make it work here for him and for me. But now without him there is nothing left here for me and I finally feel I can make the move.

I know that, I just wanted to clarify or something, I am at a bit loss here.
So I might not be clear.

As far as my friends go, I know I can't do nothing about that, and they are no longer taking calls from him, it's just so hard when they tell me he has called and left messages, and how it's all my fault.

Who knew this would be so hard? Certainly not me...

bookwyrm

(((berry)))

Glad to hear you're somewhere safe.

It isn't your fault!! You're not responsible for his actions, you can only be responsible for your own!! He's a grown up and so are your friends. You shouldn't feel guilty for the things he does.

Have a read at the stickies at the top of the forum - there is a lot of wisdom and useful information there.