confused and lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: essex england
Posts: 6
confused and lost
Hello all, first time poster here and glad I have finally found a site like this. Although I feel a little as if im betraying a trust to my partner whom I love dearly, I feel the need to get this out or I am just going to burst. I hope that I am in the right place to do this.
Please bare with me while I spout my woes, Mine maybe one you have heard so many times and I am hoping that I can find some advice or comfort in knowing that Im not the only one suffering.
I will start at the beginning as its always a good place to start.
Two years ago I met this wonderful man, tall, handsome, the man of my dreams, but slowly my dream has become a nightmare.
When I met him he admitted to me that he had a drug habit, I stuck by him whilst he weaned himself off the drug (crack) I was so proud of him that he was clean, but he became depressed very quickly and drink soon substituted the drug habit, at first I didnt mind as it really didnt seem to be a problem and he was cheerful as soon as he had his first can of the evening, two was his usual limit but over time two became three and so on. Eventually I threatened to split up with him if he didnt stop, or at least cut down which he did cut down to just three, but weekends he would drink more, his business has started to go down hill and he has become more depressed. tonight he finally told me that he drinks because he hopes that it will kill him. He is not an aggressive man, has never raised his voice to me, in fact he is the most placid person I know. and he is so loving and kind whether drunk or sober. It breaks my heart to see him like this and I just cant seem to help him. Tonight we both broke down, he wants to be helped but just dosnt know how to go about it, Ive told him I will support him all the way, but he feels useless and thinks he is a burden on me because I have MS and other illnesses to contend with. He feels that he cant go on with the way he is but dosnt know how to go forward and is scared of the future, he has so many money problems ie debt because of his drinking and he does use cannabis which I know dosnt help him either. He dosnt know I have found this site as he has asked not to tell any one about this but I have to vent some where and need to talk about it or I really will go insane. its awful watching some one you love slowly killing themselves and not be able to talk about it, Im scared that he will pull me down with him, Im usually such a strong person and can usually cope with matters but while I am ill myself at the moment having suffered a minor injury due to my MS I am feeling pretty vunerable, and I feel selfish saying that as I should be strong for him.My world seems to be crumbling at the moment and I just dont know what to do. Thank you for letting me share this with you it really does help to get this out.
Please bare with me while I spout my woes, Mine maybe one you have heard so many times and I am hoping that I can find some advice or comfort in knowing that Im not the only one suffering.
I will start at the beginning as its always a good place to start.
Two years ago I met this wonderful man, tall, handsome, the man of my dreams, but slowly my dream has become a nightmare.
When I met him he admitted to me that he had a drug habit, I stuck by him whilst he weaned himself off the drug (crack) I was so proud of him that he was clean, but he became depressed very quickly and drink soon substituted the drug habit, at first I didnt mind as it really didnt seem to be a problem and he was cheerful as soon as he had his first can of the evening, two was his usual limit but over time two became three and so on. Eventually I threatened to split up with him if he didnt stop, or at least cut down which he did cut down to just three, but weekends he would drink more, his business has started to go down hill and he has become more depressed. tonight he finally told me that he drinks because he hopes that it will kill him. He is not an aggressive man, has never raised his voice to me, in fact he is the most placid person I know. and he is so loving and kind whether drunk or sober. It breaks my heart to see him like this and I just cant seem to help him. Tonight we both broke down, he wants to be helped but just dosnt know how to go about it, Ive told him I will support him all the way, but he feels useless and thinks he is a burden on me because I have MS and other illnesses to contend with. He feels that he cant go on with the way he is but dosnt know how to go forward and is scared of the future, he has so many money problems ie debt because of his drinking and he does use cannabis which I know dosnt help him either. He dosnt know I have found this site as he has asked not to tell any one about this but I have to vent some where and need to talk about it or I really will go insane. its awful watching some one you love slowly killing themselves and not be able to talk about it, Im scared that he will pull me down with him, Im usually such a strong person and can usually cope with matters but while I am ill myself at the moment having suffered a minor injury due to my MS I am feeling pretty vunerable, and I feel selfish saying that as I should be strong for him.My world seems to be crumbling at the moment and I just dont know what to do. Thank you for letting me share this with you it really does help to get this out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. You have my prayers for strength and healing. Your health issues are enough of a challenge without have to deal with another adult who apparently can't seem to understand he has issues HE must deal with.
The bottom line with him is only he can choose to get the help he needs, whether that help is therapy, AA or something else. He can find help if he wants it. And you cannot do it for him.
Keep reading and posting. You will find the support you need in here.
The bottom line with him is only he can choose to get the help he needs, whether that help is therapy, AA or something else. He can find help if he wants it. And you cannot do it for him.
Keep reading and posting. You will find the support you need in here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gynah,
He needs to stop the bleeding. He needs to stop the drinking and drugging (sorry, cannabis is a drug) before he solves the bigger issues of his life.
Can you learn whether you have any AA meetings that meet regularly in your area? This is a very good place to start, and if he refuses to even take this small step, then it is clear that he does not yet want to find recovery.
And until he wants it -- really WANTS to get better and turn his life around, not just "quack" about it -- there is not a thing you can do. He can be the sweetest man in the world, but he has to want to do it for himself. He'll keep falling deeper and deeper into his disease, and you will have to choose whether you want a front-row seat to his downward slide or not.
We all love our alcoholic loved ones...if we didn't care, if we didn't think they had great value as human beings, then we wouldn't bother to be here at SR. My younger brother is brilliant, handsome, funny, talented, gentle, and kind. He also refuses to stop abusing substances.
And we have all learned the hard way that love isn't enough. They have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for themselves and do the hard work of getting better. I wish you both luck.
GL
He needs to stop the bleeding. He needs to stop the drinking and drugging (sorry, cannabis is a drug) before he solves the bigger issues of his life.
Can you learn whether you have any AA meetings that meet regularly in your area? This is a very good place to start, and if he refuses to even take this small step, then it is clear that he does not yet want to find recovery.
And until he wants it -- really WANTS to get better and turn his life around, not just "quack" about it -- there is not a thing you can do. He can be the sweetest man in the world, but he has to want to do it for himself. He'll keep falling deeper and deeper into his disease, and you will have to choose whether you want a front-row seat to his downward slide or not.
We all love our alcoholic loved ones...if we didn't care, if we didn't think they had great value as human beings, then we wouldn't bother to be here at SR. My younger brother is brilliant, handsome, funny, talented, gentle, and kind. He also refuses to stop abusing substances.
And we have all learned the hard way that love isn't enough. They have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for themselves and do the hard work of getting better. I wish you both luck.
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: essex england
Posts: 6
thank you both Barbara and Give love :ghug3
I understand what you are saying and does make perfect sense. I hold my hands up and say that I have made excuses for him, so many times, but I supose its because Im so scared of losing him as I do rely on him also as my carer, but not just that but losing him to the demon of drink and drugs. I had a minor drink/drug problem many many years ago and know you can recover from it. I could see myself going down hill and managed to pull myself out of it before it really got a hold of me and have never relapsed, I supose I thought I could do the same for my partner. In a way I feel as if ive blinkered myself to it all and hoping no wishing that it may resolve itself some how and that it didnt matter that he was drinking so much as long as he was happy. which of course made me happy, lets admit here not many people would take on a disabled person, so I looked at it as if he could live with my faults I certainly should be able to live with his, I just didnt realise how much it was affecting him in the long run, especially now he faces losing his driving licence for drink driving. which I will add has shamed him immensely. Im hoping this is hiw wake up call ive been praying for in a way. (he was just over the linit by one point) but it still breaking the law I know.
I will certainly keep you updated
thank you once again
I understand what you are saying and does make perfect sense. I hold my hands up and say that I have made excuses for him, so many times, but I supose its because Im so scared of losing him as I do rely on him also as my carer, but not just that but losing him to the demon of drink and drugs. I had a minor drink/drug problem many many years ago and know you can recover from it. I could see myself going down hill and managed to pull myself out of it before it really got a hold of me and have never relapsed, I supose I thought I could do the same for my partner. In a way I feel as if ive blinkered myself to it all and hoping no wishing that it may resolve itself some how and that it didnt matter that he was drinking so much as long as he was happy. which of course made me happy, lets admit here not many people would take on a disabled person, so I looked at it as if he could live with my faults I certainly should be able to live with his, I just didnt realise how much it was affecting him in the long run, especially now he faces losing his driving licence for drink driving. which I will add has shamed him immensely. Im hoping this is hiw wake up call ive been praying for in a way. (he was just over the linit by one point) but it still breaking the law I know.
I will certainly keep you updated
thank you once again
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
I am so glad you have found this forum! Welcome! I am fairly new here myself, but I can say that just by coming here every day, telling my own story, letting out my frustrations, I have already found a strength I did not know I possessed.
I am very sorry you are struggling with MS. I do not have it myself, but I am very familiar with it. You have a lot to deal with just taking care of yourself. Congratulations on having found the strength within yourself to come here, bare your soul, and just trying to find some answers.
It's a sad thing to love someone and watch them destroy themselves. We all wish there was some magic wand we could wave. Voila! They wake up, shake themselves, dust themselves off and go on as if nothing happened, strong and well and ready to assume all that life throws at them.
Alas! There is no magic wand. It's terribly pathetic, and hard to understand, but unlike folks like you and me who can just say to ourselves, "Hmmm, you know? I think I'm drinking too much lately. Must slow down." and we just go on, stopping our habits, the alcoholic has all kinds of good intentions, but has built up his/her defenses and manipulations and all sorts of learned behaviors plus the ability to read his/her enablers' minds, that they just go on, drinking/drugging and cause us pain, not even aware that they're hurting anybody, including themselves.
Please, stay here, listen to the experience, the wisdom, the sad stories, and judge for yourself whether the hope you find here can help you. Meanwhile, try to take care of yourself. Funny thing, but alcoholics seem to be perfectly capable of finding someone who will take care of them. But us enablers, we weep and moan, thinking we're the only ones the A has. Not true. Take CARE OF YOURSELF.
I am very sorry you are struggling with MS. I do not have it myself, but I am very familiar with it. You have a lot to deal with just taking care of yourself. Congratulations on having found the strength within yourself to come here, bare your soul, and just trying to find some answers.
It's a sad thing to love someone and watch them destroy themselves. We all wish there was some magic wand we could wave. Voila! They wake up, shake themselves, dust themselves off and go on as if nothing happened, strong and well and ready to assume all that life throws at them.
Alas! There is no magic wand. It's terribly pathetic, and hard to understand, but unlike folks like you and me who can just say to ourselves, "Hmmm, you know? I think I'm drinking too much lately. Must slow down." and we just go on, stopping our habits, the alcoholic has all kinds of good intentions, but has built up his/her defenses and manipulations and all sorts of learned behaviors plus the ability to read his/her enablers' minds, that they just go on, drinking/drugging and cause us pain, not even aware that they're hurting anybody, including themselves.
Please, stay here, listen to the experience, the wisdom, the sad stories, and judge for yourself whether the hope you find here can help you. Meanwhile, try to take care of yourself. Funny thing, but alcoholics seem to be perfectly capable of finding someone who will take care of them. But us enablers, we weep and moan, thinking we're the only ones the A has. Not true. Take CARE OF YOURSELF.
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