shoreareapc123

hi everyone. just to tell you a little about me. im a 22 year old guy who just moved from NJ to FL with my gf. been struggling with addiction since my late teens. i do have spurts of time when i can deal with things fine. however, lately, ive relapsed multiple times and i feel like ive never *truly* been clean. (as in 100% honest with myself and everyone, im always trying to convince myself and everyone around me that im fine and doing well) between some issues with my family and now losing my gf to this crap, its really beginning to take its toll on me.. more importantly, im beginning to realize how much power it has over me. it really scares me. ive never really felt scared of it until recently. things are spiraling out of control and i dont know what to do. here i am, today being probably my 10th "day 1" and i want to make it my last. any advice would be appreciated. no health insurance but so far ive looked into NA meetings. im losing the few things that matter most and i have no one to blame....... but myself. and its really sad and it hurts.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!

NA meetings are a good start...and they're free! I'm a recovering crack addict, and I had to lose almost everything before I decided it just wasn't worth it anymore.

For me, it was very important to hang around only people who are supportive of recovery, or living clean. I simply couldn't be around people who were still using..way too much of a temptation.

Get comfortable, read around posts here and on the substance abuse forum. There are so many wonderful people here, SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

gypsytears

Hi and welcome shoreareapc . You're wise in seeking help now while you're still young. You have your whole long life ahead of you if you quit now.

NA meetings are a start, posting here is helpful too. I'm sure others will be along with more suggestions.

shoreareapc123

thanks. any advice is always welcome. i know i have the strength and will power. i guess i just seem to forget at times and let *it* over take me. when i think of it all it really puts me in a bad place mentally, but i always remember when people saying that you cant dwell on the past, but you can focus on improving the future.

i think the hardest for me is the guilt and shame.. putting my gf and my family through so much. worst pain ive ever felt.

Impurrfect

the guilt and shame is hard....kept me using for quite a while.

However, once I decided to get into recovery, and face the guilt and shame, it was a little easier because I was no longer doing anything to cause MORE guilt and shame. We can never undo the past, but we can do our best from now on and regain trust.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

gypsytears

You're right, you can't change the past shoreareapc... but you can change your future for the better by getting clean. The guilt and shame will go away as you stay sober and work on yourself. It's good to remember the past sometimes, but dwelling on it causes a roadblock IMO. You just have to move past it and start being the person you want to be .

Have you looked for a meeting to get to today?

shoreareapc123

yes. i found one at 6:30 only a few miles from me. my gf, i guess i should say ex-gf is picking me up from work at 6, so i will run home to change and see if she can give me a ride.

sadly brings up another topic, how do i ever begin to make it up to the people ive hurt the most? shes been nothing but a god sent and i treat her worst then i can grasp sometimes. i dont know what she sees in me, but the past few weeks has convinced her that she is far better off leaving me than staying.

gypsytears

That's a hard one. I hope some people here that go to AA or NA come along to answer you soon. Amends are a big part of recovery.

I know it's sad and hard to deal with a break up but now is the time to focus on you and getting you well again. Go to the meetings, stay clean... maybe in time she'll come around again. At least she's giving you a ride .

* Get to that meeting tonight. No excuses.

toooldfratguy

Shore -
Good to see more "younger" folks here...I'm in my 20's too, and married, although I feel like I am right on the cliff with that, and if I slip once more, I'm going down. Tried this before, but this time I'm in it to win it...I'm not bitter but more determined to get my life back...we can all do this, one minute at a time...good luck with everything, and who knows maybe your GF will like this turnaround and remember the "real" you!?

Rella927

Welcome Shore!

My A brother lives in Florida about an hour north of Ft. Meyers (Sarasota) there
is a first step program there and you do not need insurance- it is something to think about Welcome to First Step of Sarasota

I wish you the best-

cmhcali

Shore first of all welcome Glad you made it here. NA meetings are a great thing. Try to get to as many as you can. You will find some that you like and stick with those ones.

Second as for how to make it up to your ex gf. At this time you can focus on yourself and your recovery. UNtil you are along in your recovery noone will trust your broken promises. (sorry if that sounds harsh it is not meant too). Remember actions speak louder than words. I lost my BF because of my drinking. We are still friends and he is a great support system. I think I had to loose him and my license to take a long hard look and say where am I heading and is there where I want to go.

HideorSeek

Welcome Shore! Feel free to join us on the "Chronic" thread. It's an awesome bunch!

shoreareapc123

thanks for the warm welcome. ive told so many lies to her and my family that when a few truthful words come out, they get thrown into the "basket" of other lies. and i have to honestly admit, i cant blame them. i wouldnt believe myself either. i guess the fight has begun and each day i can show by my actions. i think i will try to chime in on here daily for some good talk.

thanks again so far.

07/24/08 will now be *my* day to remember.

cmhcali

Good Idea keep checking in. There is a great thread started for chronic relapser that are supporting eachother. I would post there daily whether you have a clean day or not. They are all so supportive of eachother and motivating. We are all human and have our own defects so it is nice to have support.

winwin

Welcome!!! This is an awesome group of people on this site. They really support each other. Whenever I feel the urge I just start reading and posting. It really seems to help me.

shoreareapc123

yeah i will try to look for that chronic thread. it sounds like i would fit in there. ill be honest, even the times i was clean, i always felt like i was doing it for someone else. even tho i might have been physically clean, mentally and emotionally i was still dirty.. for lack of a better word. i will be honest, even right now i am unsure of my reasoning for trying to get clean. i feel like that is bad but all i know is it is progressively getting worse over the years, and is almost getting worse by the day now. and its scares me so much. i want so bad to keep the little i have left.

if being scared is what pushes me to begin the path to sobreity, then so be it.

gypsytears

Here's a link to the substance abuse part of the forum:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/

I'm not sure where the chronic thread is.

Aysha

bruce24

Welcome shore!

I'm a young male as well dealing with addiction (multiple relapses) and I can relate to your feelings. I know this time is different because I've allowed to forgive myself. You can't change your past but you do control your future. You need to take control of every action you take from here on out to beat the addiction. Don't dwell on your past mistakes and all your failed opportunities. Do all your daily activities to the best of your abilities and seek new and positive changes in your life. It's not a simple process but if you have the right mindset you'll have no troubles succeeding. Looking forward to hearing more from you down the road.

Best wishes,
Bruce

least

The "chronic" thread is in Newcomers. Welcome to the site!! Lots of good advice and experience and hope and support here. Come here and post if you feel like using. I wish you the best in your recovery!

:ghug3