What kept me really going back out.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
What kept me really going back out.
Yea..The drug. But it was so much more than that.
I just had alot of time to think lately.
And I think what kept me going back the most was.
People and places.
I am so addicted to that lifestyle. The people in it. And the drug is really just a small part of it all.
Because when I use. I hardly ever use alone. I have to be in the mix of the chaos.
The danger..the excitement.
The hustle and the adrenaline of it all.
So lately..I have been relizing that I am not getting urges. I havent had any cravings. And I am about a month clean again. This is usually the time I get the big time antsy pants. And I havent had any urges at all. A quick thought here and there. But I get disgusted instead of excited.
Am I setting myself up? I know its not this easy. Is it going to hit me like a freakin tidal wave?
Or have I finally gotten sick of it enough where I hate it so much that I am finally ready?
I have also let go of everyone except one person from all my years as an addict.
I use to thrive on these old aquantences.
I use to always feel like I was missing something out there.
Now I know the only thing I am missing is jail time and a grave.
But I wonder why people like that ..even though a rare few were real friends. Why it has and keeps such a hold on me.
Why when I know all there is ..Is chaos and BS and danger. Why I feel so compelled to be a part of it.
Most of those people dont give a $hit about me. And nor I them. But I feel like I have to get caught up in the $hit too. The crazy..crazy life that is the drug game.
I have cleared all numbers from my phone completely this time. And my phone is off and I am not refilling the minutes. The first 2 weeks my phone was blowing up when I dropped off the scene. Some of them knew what I was doing. Strating IOP. But still called. Trying to pull me back in?
Seeing what they can get from me?
Dealer calls with a sob story about his Brother that he knows I always do what I can for. That he got locked up. Sayin he needs me to help him make bread to get him out. I am not trying to hear it anymore. Street rule says I should have helped since this dude has looked out for me. Never with drugs but with food and gas and other things. But I just dont care about STREET RULES anymore.
Before I would have dwelled on that like crazy. Because I know respect and such calls for me to wash the other hand. But it isnt about them or the street life anymore.
It is about me and my life. And My grams and my family.
I am so tired of it all.
It makes me sick to think about all of it. I feel mad and disgusted and sad all at the same time.
But it is another thing that is making a huge difference in my recovery this time.
And these things that are different this time happened on their own. I am just relizing they are happening after the fact.
Keep it simple. Try but sometimes trying too hard is worse.
Sorry all my posts are so long all the time. I just have so much to say. I am bursting with relief and gratefulness.
I am finally feeling like maybe I am getting it.
But then I dont want to jinx myself.
I just had alot of time to think lately.
And I think what kept me going back the most was.
People and places.
I am so addicted to that lifestyle. The people in it. And the drug is really just a small part of it all.
Because when I use. I hardly ever use alone. I have to be in the mix of the chaos.
The danger..the excitement.
The hustle and the adrenaline of it all.
So lately..I have been relizing that I am not getting urges. I havent had any cravings. And I am about a month clean again. This is usually the time I get the big time antsy pants. And I havent had any urges at all. A quick thought here and there. But I get disgusted instead of excited.
Am I setting myself up? I know its not this easy. Is it going to hit me like a freakin tidal wave?
Or have I finally gotten sick of it enough where I hate it so much that I am finally ready?
I have also let go of everyone except one person from all my years as an addict.
I use to thrive on these old aquantences.
I use to always feel like I was missing something out there.
Now I know the only thing I am missing is jail time and a grave.
But I wonder why people like that ..even though a rare few were real friends. Why it has and keeps such a hold on me.
Why when I know all there is ..Is chaos and BS and danger. Why I feel so compelled to be a part of it.
Most of those people dont give a $hit about me. And nor I them. But I feel like I have to get caught up in the $hit too. The crazy..crazy life that is the drug game.
I have cleared all numbers from my phone completely this time. And my phone is off and I am not refilling the minutes. The first 2 weeks my phone was blowing up when I dropped off the scene. Some of them knew what I was doing. Strating IOP. But still called. Trying to pull me back in?
Seeing what they can get from me?
Dealer calls with a sob story about his Brother that he knows I always do what I can for. That he got locked up. Sayin he needs me to help him make bread to get him out. I am not trying to hear it anymore. Street rule says I should have helped since this dude has looked out for me. Never with drugs but with food and gas and other things. But I just dont care about STREET RULES anymore.
Before I would have dwelled on that like crazy. Because I know respect and such calls for me to wash the other hand. But it isnt about them or the street life anymore.
It is about me and my life. And My grams and my family.
I am so tired of it all.
It makes me sick to think about all of it. I feel mad and disgusted and sad all at the same time.
But it is another thing that is making a huge difference in my recovery this time.
And these things that are different this time happened on their own. I am just relizing they are happening after the fact.
Keep it simple. Try but sometimes trying too hard is worse.
Sorry all my posts are so long all the time. I just have so much to say. I am bursting with relief and gratefulness.
I am finally feeling like maybe I am getting it.
But then I dont want to jinx myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 31
Feeling all these things you're feeling can only mean one thing. You're still alive! There's a part of you that is ready to take over and start living again. So strap yourself in and enjoy the ride because you're about to break out from all the bullsh!t you've been trapped under for so many years. Congrats on staying clean for a month but I think that's just the tip of the iceberg for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I, too, was addicted to the people, the chaos, the drama that went with the crack. And it was hard to get back into a "normal" life....at first.
The more time I spend in my "normal" life, the more I fiercely protective of it.
You've had some major stresses lately, but you've come through them so well!! You've been getting to know Grams all over again, you're spending time with your little cousins and they bring you so much joy.
I also wondered if I was setting myself up....was I going to wake up the next day and want to get stupid again? It hasn't happened yet....going on 17 months. The longer I stayed AWAY from the streets, the better it gets and the easier it gets.
People always ask "what was your bottom". Mine had a lot of aspects, but generally it was just that I was sick of the life...not just the crack. I thought it was "fun" and "exciting"....it was just stupidity on my part. I work with several people who are still in the dope life. I feel sorry for them, I really do.
You have come so far, sweetie, and I'm really proud of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I, too, was addicted to the people, the chaos, the drama that went with the crack. And it was hard to get back into a "normal" life....at first.
The more time I spend in my "normal" life, the more I fiercely protective of it.
You've had some major stresses lately, but you've come through them so well!! You've been getting to know Grams all over again, you're spending time with your little cousins and they bring you so much joy.
I also wondered if I was setting myself up....was I going to wake up the next day and want to get stupid again? It hasn't happened yet....going on 17 months. The longer I stayed AWAY from the streets, the better it gets and the easier it gets.
People always ask "what was your bottom". Mine had a lot of aspects, but generally it was just that I was sick of the life...not just the crack. I thought it was "fun" and "exciting"....it was just stupidity on my part. I work with several people who are still in the dope life. I feel sorry for them, I really do.
You have come so far, sweetie, and I'm really proud of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
(((Trish)))
As I read your post, tears began to roll down my face. I do believe you have finally hit the bottom you needed to hit in order to begin to Recover from the hell you lived while you were using.
I completely relate to being addicted to the lifestyle of excitement . . . in my addiction, I thrived on chaos. When I first got clean, I have to admit, I thought that this sober life was pretty boring. But then I realized, it wasn't that my life was boring, it was what I now know to be normal. And I hadn't known normal since I was 11 years old.
Most people do not believe me when I say that since July 25, 2005, I never had one serious craving or urge to use. I knew, in my heart, mind, body and soul that I was done.
I have never thought that your posts were too long. I love reading your posts because you put your heartfelt feelings of honesty out there for all of us to read. You share with such passion that it's obvious that what you say is from the heart. You write what you feel and in Recovery, honesty is so very important.
I hope you will continue to share with us like you always have. Rarely does someone find the words to express their feelings quite like you do.
I wish you much joy and peace in this journey of Recovery. You have fought so hard for it and no one deserves it more than you my dear, sweet friend.
Much love and many hugs,
Judy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Toady was my last pay cycle where I would have an actual check in my hand.
The rest are going to be directly deposited into the grams account.
Today I went and got that check. $350...Cashed it. And I was very much surprised that I didnt get that anxious feeling. The sick..stomach turning..heart racing..cant breathe..hurry up and do something feeling I always get when I have money in my hand. No thoughts except the ones like ..Wow this is weird. No cravings.
It is a little scary..But I cant tell you when the last time I ever had money in my hand..regardless of the intentions..that I didnt have to fight the feeling to get high.
It was starnge..but so very very refreshing.
I am in no way to hold money yet. But it just felt so good to not have to go through panic craving hell today.
The rest are going to be directly deposited into the grams account.
Today I went and got that check. $350...Cashed it. And I was very much surprised that I didnt get that anxious feeling. The sick..stomach turning..heart racing..cant breathe..hurry up and do something feeling I always get when I have money in my hand. No thoughts except the ones like ..Wow this is weird. No cravings.
It is a little scary..But I cant tell you when the last time I ever had money in my hand..regardless of the intentions..that I didnt have to fight the feeling to get high.
It was starnge..but so very very refreshing.
I am in no way to hold money yet. But it just felt so good to not have to go through panic craving hell today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: MN
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by chiynita 
Yea..The drug. But it was so much more than that.
I just had alot of time to think lately.
And I think what kept me going back the most was.
People and places.
I am so addicted to that lifestyle. The people in it. And the drug is really just a small part of it all.
Because when I use. I hardly ever use alone. I have to be in the mix of the chaos.
The danger..the excitement.
The hustle and the adrenaline of it all.
So lately..I have been relizing that I am not getting urges. I havent had any cravings. And I am about a month clean again. This is usually the time I get the big time antsy pants. And I havent had any urges at all. A quick thought here and there. But I get disgusted instead of excited.
Am I setting myself up? I know its not this easy. Is it going to hit me like a freakin tidal wave?
Or have I finally gotten sick of it enough where I hate it so much that I am finally ready?
I have also let go of everyone except one person from all my years as an addict.
I use to thrive on these old aquantences.
I use to always feel like I was missing something out there.
Now I know the only thing I am missing is jail time and a grave.
But I wonder why people like that ..even though a rare few were real friends. Why it has and keeps such a hold on me.
Why when I know all there is ..Is chaos and BS and danger. Why I feel so compelled to be a part of it.
Most of those people dont give a $hit about me. And nor I them. But I feel like I have to get caught up in the $hit too. The crazy..crazy life that is the drug game.
I have cleared all numbers from my phone completely this time. And my phone is off and I am not refilling the minutes. The first 2 weeks my phone was blowing up when I dropped off the scene. Some of them knew what I was doing. Strating IOP. But still called. Trying to pull me back in?
Seeing what they can get from me?
Dealer calls with a sob story about his Brother that he knows I always do what I can for. That he got locked up. Sayin he needs me to help him make bread to get him out. I am not trying to hear it anymore. Street rule says I should have helped since this dude has looked out for me. Never with drugs but with food and gas and other things. But I just dont care about STREET RULES anymore.
Before I would have dwelled on that like crazy. Because I know respect and such calls for me to wash the other hand. But it isnt about them or the street life anymore.
It is about me and my life. And My grams and my family.
I am so tired of it all.
It makes me sick to think about all of it. I feel mad and disgusted and sad all at the same time.
But it is another thing that is making a huge difference in my recovery this time.
And these things that are different this time happened on their own. I am just relizing they are happening after the fact.
Keep it simple. Try but sometimes trying too hard is worse.
Sorry all my posts are so long all the time. I just have so much to say. I am bursting with relief and gratefulness.
I am finally feeling like maybe I am getting it.
But then I dont want to jinx myself.
I just had alot of time to think lately.
And I think what kept me going back the most was.
People and places.
I am so addicted to that lifestyle. The people in it. And the drug is really just a small part of it all.
Because when I use. I hardly ever use alone. I have to be in the mix of the chaos.
The danger..the excitement.
The hustle and the adrenaline of it all.
So lately..I have been relizing that I am not getting urges. I havent had any cravings. And I am about a month clean again. This is usually the time I get the big time antsy pants. And I havent had any urges at all. A quick thought here and there. But I get disgusted instead of excited.
Am I setting myself up? I know its not this easy. Is it going to hit me like a freakin tidal wave?
Or have I finally gotten sick of it enough where I hate it so much that I am finally ready?
I have also let go of everyone except one person from all my years as an addict.
I use to thrive on these old aquantences.
I use to always feel like I was missing something out there.
Now I know the only thing I am missing is jail time and a grave.
But I wonder why people like that ..even though a rare few were real friends. Why it has and keeps such a hold on me.
Why when I know all there is ..Is chaos and BS and danger. Why I feel so compelled to be a part of it.
Most of those people dont give a $hit about me. And nor I them. But I feel like I have to get caught up in the $hit too. The crazy..crazy life that is the drug game.
I have cleared all numbers from my phone completely this time. And my phone is off and I am not refilling the minutes. The first 2 weeks my phone was blowing up when I dropped off the scene. Some of them knew what I was doing. Strating IOP. But still called. Trying to pull me back in?
Seeing what they can get from me?
Dealer calls with a sob story about his Brother that he knows I always do what I can for. That he got locked up. Sayin he needs me to help him make bread to get him out. I am not trying to hear it anymore. Street rule says I should have helped since this dude has looked out for me. Never with drugs but with food and gas and other things. But I just dont care about STREET RULES anymore.
Before I would have dwelled on that like crazy. Because I know respect and such calls for me to wash the other hand. But it isnt about them or the street life anymore.
It is about me and my life. And My grams and my family.
I am so tired of it all.
It makes me sick to think about all of it. I feel mad and disgusted and sad all at the same time.
But it is another thing that is making a huge difference in my recovery this time.
And these things that are different this time happened on their own. I am just relizing they are happening after the fact.
Keep it simple. Try but sometimes trying too hard is worse.
Sorry all my posts are so long all the time. I just have so much to say. I am bursting with relief and gratefulness.
I am finally feeling like maybe I am getting it.
But then I dont want to jinx myself.
For me, the second hardest part about going clean (13+ years ago) was the social change...
On the one hand my old "Clean friends" had given up on me. And my Junky friends treated me like a pariah...
Even some of my closest clean friends who accepted me back into their social circle, kept me at arms length, and treated me as if I should be ashamed of myself.
Ultimately... With no world to feel comfortable in... I made many social mistakes... And decided to "Go out on my own."
I spent the better part of 3 years traveling... Do what I could to make money, and then hit the road again to "See the world."
The more I traveled the more I started to see the larger scope of things... And the more people I met who were truly dieing, while I had only just been "Rotting on the inside."
It was hard for me to handle being alone that much... Especially when I had just come off a track record of letting the wrong ones in while keeping the right ones out.
Ultimately while I bemoaned my lonely state... I also think that it was a good thing... After all there are few times in this life where we can spend time alone and have the opportunity to "Choose" how we redefine ourselves.
****
Eventually I got my feet under me... Mostly when I stole a line from a Song by Prince, and turned it into a Mantra... "Style is not lusting after someone because they're cool... Style is loving yourself till everyone else does to!"
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well Naino...I have fortunate enought thta my old sober friends ahave always stood by me and never gave up on me. Nor has my family.
Now it is my turn to do the same.
Now it is my turn to do the same.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
