In love with an addict
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
In love with an addict
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. If I don't respond back right away, please don't take it personal. There is something wrong with my internet and I keep losing it every once in a while.
I have been reading your posts for the past three months now. I recently came out of a twelve year relationship where I had lost myself completely. I finally escaped that and became the strongest I had ever been.
Well, I ended up falling head over heels in love with a guy that I get my appraisals from through work. We are so perfect for each other. I never believed in soul mates but if there is such a thing, he would be mine. Right from the beginning he said he wanted to be just friends and I said okay.
Well, we are so great together - low and behold he fell in love with me. I mean, it is a love that most people dream about. It took a lot for us to get there. He had been really hurt two times by other girls. They ended up cheating on him. (once with his brother, once with his best friend
) so it took a lot for him to trust me and realize that I wasn't like all the other negative people in his life.
Well....... now that I am head over heals in love with him and couldn't imagine spending my life without him here comes the kicker. He used to be addicted to painkillers. Technically, still sort of is. He has been on Suboxone for the last year and is having a hard time with it. He doesn't attend his meetings and his mind is still in addict mode. I actually have to give him his sub pills so he doesn't abuse them.
In the beginning before I knew what I was dealing with I told him the only thing I ask of him is pure honesty - that's it. Well, I must say that he is a very good liar. I would rather he cheated on me than lie to me - right to my face. Now in my mind I question every damn thing he says.
I ended up taking his pills because he wants to get off them and he wanted me to help him. I feel like his drug dealer. I want to help him but he cannot follow the taper plan he sets. He can't handle ANY withdrawl symptoms. I fear I have bit off more than I chew but I feel its too late. I love him so much and I would be miserable without him -
Did I mention he is also suicidal. Tried it multiple times. He told me the other day if he does it again then he would do it right. He would put a bullet in his head. I just sat there and listened, part of me angry for him wanting to give up and let it all go and part of me sad as hell and scared. He told me if he was going to kill himself, no one would stop him.
The man I fell in love with is not always there. He ran out of sub a few weeks ago and was taking oxycodone in the mean time until he got his refill. I believe when he was running out of the oxy I saw the devil. It was the most frightening/coldest thing I had ever seen and I couldn't do anything. He is back on the sub now but still struggling. Part of him not wanting to be on the sub is because he wants to show me his real feelings and be normal.
What I have realized is that I only know part of him. The person that I fell in love with is trapped within this demon and I can't save him. It is killing me to wake up everyday wondering if I will see him again. Am I going to lose him to the painkillers because he relapses or am I going to lose him because he gives up and ends it. Can anyone help me? I am desperate.
Thank you,
fndngserenity
I have been reading your posts for the past three months now. I recently came out of a twelve year relationship where I had lost myself completely. I finally escaped that and became the strongest I had ever been.
Well, I ended up falling head over heels in love with a guy that I get my appraisals from through work. We are so perfect for each other. I never believed in soul mates but if there is such a thing, he would be mine. Right from the beginning he said he wanted to be just friends and I said okay.
Well, we are so great together - low and behold he fell in love with me. I mean, it is a love that most people dream about. It took a lot for us to get there. He had been really hurt two times by other girls. They ended up cheating on him. (once with his brother, once with his best friend
) so it took a lot for him to trust me and realize that I wasn't like all the other negative people in his life.Well....... now that I am head over heals in love with him and couldn't imagine spending my life without him here comes the kicker. He used to be addicted to painkillers. Technically, still sort of is. He has been on Suboxone for the last year and is having a hard time with it. He doesn't attend his meetings and his mind is still in addict mode. I actually have to give him his sub pills so he doesn't abuse them.
In the beginning before I knew what I was dealing with I told him the only thing I ask of him is pure honesty - that's it. Well, I must say that he is a very good liar. I would rather he cheated on me than lie to me - right to my face. Now in my mind I question every damn thing he says.
I ended up taking his pills because he wants to get off them and he wanted me to help him. I feel like his drug dealer. I want to help him but he cannot follow the taper plan he sets. He can't handle ANY withdrawl symptoms. I fear I have bit off more than I chew but I feel its too late. I love him so much and I would be miserable without him -
Did I mention he is also suicidal. Tried it multiple times. He told me the other day if he does it again then he would do it right. He would put a bullet in his head. I just sat there and listened, part of me angry for him wanting to give up and let it all go and part of me sad as hell and scared. He told me if he was going to kill himself, no one would stop him.
The man I fell in love with is not always there. He ran out of sub a few weeks ago and was taking oxycodone in the mean time until he got his refill. I believe when he was running out of the oxy I saw the devil. It was the most frightening/coldest thing I had ever seen and I couldn't do anything. He is back on the sub now but still struggling. Part of him not wanting to be on the sub is because he wants to show me his real feelings and be normal.
What I have realized is that I only know part of him. The person that I fell in love with is trapped within this demon and I can't save him. It is killing me to wake up everyday wondering if I will see him again. Am I going to lose him to the painkillers because he relapses or am I going to lose him because he gives up and ends it. Can anyone help me? I am desperate.
Thank you,
fndngserenity
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((fndngserenity))
Hate so much for the pain you are experiencing - it is a sad place to be to see our loved ones suffer thru their addictions.
I can tell just by looking in my AH's eyes if he is using again - There is a emptiness in his eyes that is so sad and haunting.
Attending Al-Anon meetings (there are no Nar-Anon meetings in my area), reading the literature, sharing with others in recovery and a deeper relationship with my HP (Higher Power) has helped me learn that I can be Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the actions of my loved ones.
Please keep hanging around - there is great support here,
Rita
Hate so much for the pain you are experiencing - it is a sad place to be to see our loved ones suffer thru their addictions.
I can tell just by looking in my AH's eyes if he is using again - There is a emptiness in his eyes that is so sad and haunting.
Attending Al-Anon meetings (there are no Nar-Anon meetings in my area), reading the literature, sharing with others in recovery and a deeper relationship with my HP (Higher Power) has helped me learn that I can be Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the actions of my loved ones.
Please keep hanging around - there is great support here,
Rita
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I am so sorry you had to come to a place like this. If there is anything to be learned about addiction it is the 3 C's...............You didn't cause it, You can't control it & You can't cure it..............All the love in the world won't cure an addict. How can they love anyone else when they don't love themselves??? Does a person with healthy self-esteem keep hurting themselves over & over?
You are looking for love from a man who is not capable of giving it to you & the sooner you realize this the better off you'll be.
I am now 61 & I speak from hard earned experience. When I was 17 I fell in love with a compulsive gambler only I didn't know what that entailed until I was married to him & had his child. After leaving him a million times, a divorce, a remarriage, another child then another divorce, I was done with him for good. I was 27. I was left with 2 sons to raise by myself. I went bk to school & got my RN & BS.
After 10 yrs alone I met & married my present husband. We have been married almost 24 yrs.
My ex got in touch with me about 7 mts ago after not hearing from him for almost 30yrs.
He went from gambling to hard drugs & did not get clean until he was 58 yrs old. He is now 63 & trying to build some kind of life for himself.
I know u think the love you 2 have is unique but believe me its not...................you cannot change him & do u really want to spend the next how many yrs dooling out pills to him?? You have made yourself not his equal here but like his dr.
This is only MHO so if I have spoken out of line disregard it.
Wishing you the best,
Diane
You are looking for love from a man who is not capable of giving it to you & the sooner you realize this the better off you'll be.
I am now 61 & I speak from hard earned experience. When I was 17 I fell in love with a compulsive gambler only I didn't know what that entailed until I was married to him & had his child. After leaving him a million times, a divorce, a remarriage, another child then another divorce, I was done with him for good. I was 27. I was left with 2 sons to raise by myself. I went bk to school & got my RN & BS.
After 10 yrs alone I met & married my present husband. We have been married almost 24 yrs.
My ex got in touch with me about 7 mts ago after not hearing from him for almost 30yrs.
He went from gambling to hard drugs & did not get clean until he was 58 yrs old. He is now 63 & trying to build some kind of life for himself.
I know u think the love you 2 have is unique but believe me its not...................you cannot change him & do u really want to spend the next how many yrs dooling out pills to him?? You have made yourself not his equal here but like his dr.
This is only MHO so if I have spoken out of line disregard it.
Wishing you the best,
Diane
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome!
I am very sorry that you are in love with an addict and feel that you have to live with this disease. I am a recovering alcoholic, so no experience really with the pills but I know that there is SO much experience, strength and hope here for you. Truly, you do not have to live with this on a daily basis. I know that you love him but you can not fix him. He needs to get into recovery. This includes getting clean but it is so much more. Please start reading and get yourself to an Alanon meeting so that you can learn how to take care of yourself in this situation. :ghug2
I am very sorry that you are in love with an addict and feel that you have to live with this disease. I am a recovering alcoholic, so no experience really with the pills but I know that there is SO much experience, strength and hope here for you. Truly, you do not have to live with this on a daily basis. I know that you love him but you can not fix him. He needs to get into recovery. This includes getting clean but it is so much more. Please start reading and get yourself to an Alanon meeting so that you can learn how to take care of yourself in this situation. :ghug2
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
thanks everbody
Thank you everybody for your kind words. I know what you mean Rita about how you can tell when they are using. The first time I looked in his eyes when he ran out of the sub and started taking the oxy was the most painful thing I had ever seen. It was cold and dead - I got back out to the car and couldn't stop cyring - it was the most frightening look I had ever seen.
I read your words Diane and they are not out of line..... they are true and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I thought I finally found a man who completed who I was and who I could finally start to share my life with. I fell so hard for him - I never imagined it would all be ripped away from me because of something like this. The sad part is that when we are together and he is not using and he feels okay, I truly feel like I am in heaven. When you have that feeling, it is hard to let it go.
Aside from this evil that has him, we fit on every level. Emotionally, physically, in every way. It is like we were made for each other. It is so hard to think how something that seemed so right and felt so right isn't.
I'm looking forward to talking with everyone and getting some good input. We are supposed to be leaving for Moosehead tonight to go camping. We'll see. One thing I have learned is that he is not always reliable. Something may come up. I'll let you know how it goes. I just keep praying - sometimes I feel like and idiot for doing so but I can't help it.
Thank you again everyone!
Heather
I read your words Diane and they are not out of line..... they are true and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I thought I finally found a man who completed who I was and who I could finally start to share my life with. I fell so hard for him - I never imagined it would all be ripped away from me because of something like this. The sad part is that when we are together and he is not using and he feels okay, I truly feel like I am in heaven. When you have that feeling, it is hard to let it go.
Aside from this evil that has him, we fit on every level. Emotionally, physically, in every way. It is like we were made for each other. It is so hard to think how something that seemed so right and felt so right isn't.
I'm looking forward to talking with everyone and getting some good input. We are supposed to be leaving for Moosehead tonight to go camping. We'll see. One thing I have learned is that he is not always reliable. Something may come up. I'll let you know how it goes. I just keep praying - sometimes I feel like and idiot for doing so but I can't help it.
Thank you again everyone!
Heather
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12
Hi Heather, I too am in love with my AH. I know this pain so well. But Rozied is completely correct. Although difficult to accept - I am still struggling with this fact : He DOES NOT have the love to give you. He cannot meet your needs. I keep forgetting my AH is no longer my BF - addiction set in and drugs filled that need. I have created an illusion of love in my life. Its devastating and heartbreaking but you can learn and grow from this.
I was also mistaken that sub would fix things. It doesn't. It may transition him to a point he can get into recovery. You say you fear losing him, but I am not sure you can even know the real him. Does he know the real him? My AH has been living behind a mask for so long - neither one of us knows him anymore.
When in crisis mode, its difficult to see you need to take of yourself but he will get better if you do. Do things for you. You can't save him.
Best wishes and many prayers,
Kathy
:codiepolice
I was also mistaken that sub would fix things. It doesn't. It may transition him to a point he can get into recovery. You say you fear losing him, but I am not sure you can even know the real him. Does he know the real him? My AH has been living behind a mask for so long - neither one of us knows him anymore.
When in crisis mode, its difficult to see you need to take of yourself but he will get better if you do. Do things for you. You can't save him.
Best wishes and many prayers,
Kathy
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
fndngserenity, my bf is an addict as well. his doc is heroin. He tired suboxone and abused them, and then took them when he couldn't afford to buy smack. He was on them for so long that if he didn't take them he would get sick.
We have been through a lot the last couple weeks. There are other posts from me in this forum about what has recently happend. To make a long story short he stole some checks from me cause he was getting high, stole from his parents and from his former job. Nothing I did caused it...he just wanted to get high. I can't control him and I can't change him. He went to detox and just got out. He said he has hit his rock bottom. After all the lies I am not quite sure if I believe him. I decided to give him another chance, only because if I didn't he would be homeless. That wasn't the deciding factor for me though. He begged for help, and even though I am in no position to offer him anything, I believe that if he puts in 100% effort like he said, then he deserves a shot. He has been going to meetings everyday. i went to one with him cause he likes when I join him sometimes. He actually spoke up and people came up to him at the end and were very helpful. They have seen him there before. He got his 90 days clean and now he's back to square one again. He made some friends at this meeting monday and they were at the new meeting he went to on tuesday and one made him sit next to him and kinda took him under his wing. Told him to call today and say hello and check in, and he did. I did lay down the law that if he doesn't do what he said he will be kicked out of my home. The slightest mistake and he's done. I am keeping to my word. So far so good, but it's only been 2 days.
It sounds like your bf hasn't hit his rock bottom and is using the sub's as band-aids...just like my bf did. It's tough to watch someone do this. He's not going to change his habits till he is ready, and until then he's just going to keep doing what he wants to do, regardless of anyone or anything else in his life. I don't know if any of this has helped you. But I just thought I would share.
We have been through a lot the last couple weeks. There are other posts from me in this forum about what has recently happend. To make a long story short he stole some checks from me cause he was getting high, stole from his parents and from his former job. Nothing I did caused it...he just wanted to get high. I can't control him and I can't change him. He went to detox and just got out. He said he has hit his rock bottom. After all the lies I am not quite sure if I believe him. I decided to give him another chance, only because if I didn't he would be homeless. That wasn't the deciding factor for me though. He begged for help, and even though I am in no position to offer him anything, I believe that if he puts in 100% effort like he said, then he deserves a shot. He has been going to meetings everyday. i went to one with him cause he likes when I join him sometimes. He actually spoke up and people came up to him at the end and were very helpful. They have seen him there before. He got his 90 days clean and now he's back to square one again. He made some friends at this meeting monday and they were at the new meeting he went to on tuesday and one made him sit next to him and kinda took him under his wing. Told him to call today and say hello and check in, and he did. I did lay down the law that if he doesn't do what he said he will be kicked out of my home. The slightest mistake and he's done. I am keeping to my word. So far so good, but it's only been 2 days.
It sounds like your bf hasn't hit his rock bottom and is using the sub's as band-aids...just like my bf did. It's tough to watch someone do this. He's not going to change his habits till he is ready, and until then he's just going to keep doing what he wants to do, regardless of anyone or anything else in his life. I don't know if any of this has helped you. But I just thought I would share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
fndngserenity - I feel for you. My g/f keeps telling me she is ready to change and doesn't want her life to remain the same. Yet the actions behind the words are far and few. I know exactly what you mean about things being great when they are on course. When my g/f is away from her famliy and the drugs life is great. Problem is I get a few days and then off we go into chaos and her using and co-dependance. I am learning a lot here and hopefully you will too. This road isn't easy at all. Don;t have much advice, just relating to your struggles, you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
finding serenity-
after my xabf said "lets be friends" (and i had spent 6 months babying him to help him off perc and other PKs) I realized through this forum that I'm a huge Codie....and was kind of an enabler too....
he's went to detox/ rehab (tho I'm not supposed to know), and found out he doesn't want to talk to or see me - as I was getting update from a mutual friend.
I'm heartbroken, but know that inpatient was the ONLY way to get that crap out of his system, and get him onto a new path.
But, like your ABF, he has to do it on his own...maybe if he had a friend that went through something similar, and was on the road to recovery (like my dude), it might help him decide to go forward. BUT he has to hit his rock bottom...and shouldn't take you with him.
Like everyone says here, though it's hard to hear sometimes, you have to focus on your life, and make choices that are best for YOU, and establish boundaries for what is acceptable in your life. Otherwise, you could be (like I was/am) a fragmented, worried, insecure, insomniac, who isn't doing myself any good, and isn't healthy relationship material, even IF he were to recover from PK addiction.
Keep posting!
rivka
after my xabf said "lets be friends" (and i had spent 6 months babying him to help him off perc and other PKs) I realized through this forum that I'm a huge Codie....and was kind of an enabler too....
he's went to detox/ rehab (tho I'm not supposed to know), and found out he doesn't want to talk to or see me - as I was getting update from a mutual friend.
I'm heartbroken, but know that inpatient was the ONLY way to get that crap out of his system, and get him onto a new path.
But, like your ABF, he has to do it on his own...maybe if he had a friend that went through something similar, and was on the road to recovery (like my dude), it might help him decide to go forward. BUT he has to hit his rock bottom...and shouldn't take you with him.
Like everyone says here, though it's hard to hear sometimes, you have to focus on your life, and make choices that are best for YOU, and establish boundaries for what is acceptable in your life. Otherwise, you could be (like I was/am) a fragmented, worried, insecure, insomniac, who isn't doing myself any good, and isn't healthy relationship material, even IF he were to recover from PK addiction.
Keep posting!
rivka
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I'm too in love with an opi addict! He is in recovery now... and is working the program. It is very early on and I am aware of what I am doing and the art of working the program together. I believe it was Lightseeker that said something so inspiring.... she said that if it weren't for staying with her husband that she wouldn't be working on her recovery as much as she is. I totally relate to that! (LS - sorry if that isn't you!)..... But it is true to me as well.
I was married to an opie addict yearssss ago..... and well..... I thought I was cured from it too.... and I was very 'careful' to not get involved with another addict as well.... and BOOM..... I fell in love with one. The difference though is that because I have BTDT.... I knew early on that this was MY issue ... MY life... and that I had to be working on me. I do not want to say good bye regardless of the road that is ahead of me. Sometimes I do get a bit worried, but when I'm living in the day at a time mode and keeping within my boundaries and what I want .... the worry doesn't stay very long.
For example, last night, I felt like I wasn't getting the "attention" I needed from him and got into a bit of a strop. I started to read Codependent No More and fell asleep. We talked this morning and he brought it up... and I told him that I was working through it.... and he said that he was the one in the wrong and that he was sorry. That would NOT have happened 6 months ago while in active addiction! My part or his.... the healing part of it that is.
The 3 C's helped me tremendously.... mainly the the "cause" part...... because I felt that much of the reason he used was to be a better person so that he could be more "fun" around me and so that he could work. If I wasn't in his life..... he maybe wouldn't feel that way... or even the need to work so hard to support more than someone other than himself. (I have 2 boys from a prior marriage). Even though I am financially independent, he took that stress on himself. Well.... I learned to over come it..... and that was huge for me..... and it was then that I could detach and let go with love. I drew the line... which was "I will stay with you and support you in recovery, but NOT while using" -
You are not an idiot..... you are in the emotion of the motion that is addiction. This is his issue..... your issue is to find out what it is that you want ... that you have control over... which is to only control you and your happiness!
Before I detached I was afraid that detaching meant that we would not be in love anymore..... it was like that love became my addiction! Not "like".... it did! So I worked on that and I have found that the more I love myself and care for myself the more I have to give to him and our relationship! I am in love with him more now than I was before - and that it's a more "healthy" kind of love!
Read, write, and look after yourself!!!!!!
xoxoxo
I was married to an opie addict yearssss ago..... and well..... I thought I was cured from it too.... and I was very 'careful' to not get involved with another addict as well.... and BOOM..... I fell in love with one. The difference though is that because I have BTDT.... I knew early on that this was MY issue ... MY life... and that I had to be working on me. I do not want to say good bye regardless of the road that is ahead of me. Sometimes I do get a bit worried, but when I'm living in the day at a time mode and keeping within my boundaries and what I want .... the worry doesn't stay very long.
For example, last night, I felt like I wasn't getting the "attention" I needed from him and got into a bit of a strop. I started to read Codependent No More and fell asleep. We talked this morning and he brought it up... and I told him that I was working through it.... and he said that he was the one in the wrong and that he was sorry. That would NOT have happened 6 months ago while in active addiction! My part or his.... the healing part of it that is.
The 3 C's helped me tremendously.... mainly the the "cause" part...... because I felt that much of the reason he used was to be a better person so that he could be more "fun" around me and so that he could work. If I wasn't in his life..... he maybe wouldn't feel that way... or even the need to work so hard to support more than someone other than himself. (I have 2 boys from a prior marriage). Even though I am financially independent, he took that stress on himself. Well.... I learned to over come it..... and that was huge for me..... and it was then that I could detach and let go with love. I drew the line... which was "I will stay with you and support you in recovery, but NOT while using" -
You are not an idiot..... you are in the emotion of the motion that is addiction. This is his issue..... your issue is to find out what it is that you want ... that you have control over... which is to only control you and your happiness!
Before I detached I was afraid that detaching meant that we would not be in love anymore..... it was like that love became my addiction! Not "like".... it did! So I worked on that and I have found that the more I love myself and care for myself the more I have to give to him and our relationship! I am in love with him more now than I was before - and that it's a more "healthy" kind of love!
Read, write, and look after yourself!!!!!!
xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I loved my addict too..he's gone over a year now and I can still see his beautiful smile and hear his voice...He was the man I thought I couldn't live without...Truly the best liar I have ever met. I know that under the demon of addiction was a wonderful human being but it was way under...WE ALL FEEL OR HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY...BEWARE...the last few weeks of his life he hit my accounts, credit cards, even charged gift cards to sell for drugs, pawned jewelry I had given him...I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you that nothing you do to help him will or can...only he can help himself, only you can help yourself...I do remember looking at him as he was telling me a story and not believing him...its a horrible way to live...take care of yourself..Marian
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, it is a long hard road with an addict. i would tell anyone to leave,run for the hills but you have to make that choice not me. my son is my addict & i detech as much as i can. i love him as much as any mom does but it has been a long 20 yrs & he is still doing the same things. it will get worse for your b.f. if he does not quit. only he can do that & it will not be for you but for him. welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. stay with us. lots of prayers for u & for him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 18
The sad part is that when we are together and he is not using and he feels okay, I truly feel like I am in heaven. When you have that feeling, it is hard to let it go.
Aside from this evil that has him, we fit on every level. Emotionally, physically, in every way. It is like we were made for each other. It is so hard to think how something that seemed so right and felt so right isn't.
Aside from this evil that has him, we fit on every level. Emotionally, physically, in every way. It is like we were made for each other. It is so hard to think how something that seemed so right and felt so right isn't.
This is what showed me the light: I was just as addicted to him as he was to his DOC (morphine). So I broke it off for a while while he was in rehab because we both needed to learn to live our lives without the other as a crutch.
He came out, and has been clean for almost 2 years now. We're giving ourselves a second chance, and we still have trust issues. But we're working on it, on our relationship, and on our own selves.
The turning point for me was when I realized I couldn't help him, and that I actually just needed to help myself. It's not healthy to be on a rollercoaster of emotions all the time, and it's not love when he puts you through stuff like this.
It seems to me that his suicidal impulses are because he cannot stand himself, and he is near the bottom. The only thing you can do is tell him you are there to listen if he wants to talk about things, but you can't cure him or help him. He can only help himself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: austin
Posts: 6
I have been where you have been, and many many times. You are putting yourself in a really tough position especially if you are trying to dispense his medicine to him. I have tried to monitor my ABF meds before and it never ends up good, you have to let go and just know that he will or he wont. And what are you going to do if he doesnt follow through. The only control you have is over yourself; you will not change him. He has to want to do it for him and in my experience it takes a very long time. You can be a good friend to him and try to be a positive influence for him, I think that is really important. I found my ABF sitting in his car with a gun in his hand about to kill himself, this was by far the hardest, sadest moment in my life. (But not his bottom) So I feel your pain. On the upside he is doing better, still stuggles but not as bad as it was.
It will be hard for a long time but there are those wonderful moments and just make sure to enjoy them
xoxo
It will be hard for a long time but there are those wonderful moments and just make sure to enjoy them
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with everyone else...he doesn't act like he's ready for recovery.
I just wanted to add one thing, as a recovering addict. Just because you are dispensing his meds, does not mean he can't/won't get something else from somewhere else. We addicts will get what we want, and damn the consequences. Also, more than likely he will build up a resentment to YOU when he can't do what he wants (use more).
It makes no sense, but when we're active in addiction, we don't make sense. Our minds are held hostage by the drugs and that's all we can think of.
Like everyone says...focus on you. Nothing you do or say is going to change him...that has to come from him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I just wanted to add one thing, as a recovering addict. Just because you are dispensing his meds, does not mean he can't/won't get something else from somewhere else. We addicts will get what we want, and damn the consequences. Also, more than likely he will build up a resentment to YOU when he can't do what he wants (use more).
It makes no sense, but when we're active in addiction, we don't make sense. Our minds are held hostage by the drugs and that's all we can think of.
Like everyone says...focus on you. Nothing you do or say is going to change him...that has to come from him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by fndngserenity 
We are so perfect for each other.
fndngserenity
He has a mistress more powerful than the two of you.
As the others have said, focus on taking care of you.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
wow
Wow. I am speechless. You all wrote so many great replys, thank you all so much. Sorry it's been a while since I've been on. We did end up going to camp just the two of us. It was actually really nice. He was taking his pills well, sometimes even taking less if he felt like he could handle it. It felt like I had my baby back.
He is doing really well on the lower dose. Some days tho seem worse than others but overall, doing really well. I can even tell with his moods that he feels happier..... not so down. If he can stay on this program (doctor hasn't gotten the last pee test back???which is wierd...hmmmm) then I think he might be okay.
What I want is to stay with him. I want to be there for him. I am going to read on co-dep. and enabling so that I can try not to do those things. And, I am going to TRY to do things for myself and take care of myself in the process. I know this is HIS demon but I want to try to be there for him if I can.
BIG QUESTION FOR ANYONE WHO CAN HELP: If you are taking sub and you decide to add some pain killers to the mix - will it make you sick/have withdrawls??? Because that is what I have read b4 but he told me no.
Well, I've got to get ready for work now. Thank you all for you inspiring words!! It means a lot to hear what other people have to say.
fndngserenity
He is doing really well on the lower dose. Some days tho seem worse than others but overall, doing really well. I can even tell with his moods that he feels happier..... not so down. If he can stay on this program (doctor hasn't gotten the last pee test back???which is wierd...hmmmm) then I think he might be okay.
What I want is to stay with him. I want to be there for him. I am going to read on co-dep. and enabling so that I can try not to do those things. And, I am going to TRY to do things for myself and take care of myself in the process. I know this is HIS demon but I want to try to be there for him if I can.
BIG QUESTION FOR ANYONE WHO CAN HELP: If you are taking sub and you decide to add some pain killers to the mix - will it make you sick/have withdrawls??? Because that is what I have read b4 but he told me no.
Well, I've got to get ready for work now. Thank you all for you inspiring words!! It means a lot to hear what other people have to say.
fndngserenity
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((FS)))))))
Most of my family are addicts and I have heard just about every line an addict might throw out there at least twice.
I can't help but feel really sorry for you....it takes a while to get over a 12 year relationship where you have "lost yourself".....the proof that you are not over it is that you landed yourself in a relationship with an addict.
One tactic that addicts use in a relationship is to get someone feeling sorry for them...I use this quote from or your post as an example:
Poor dude his last 2 girl friends before you cheated on him and now he has trust issues...blah blah blah....
Now he has you taking responsibility for dispensing his doses...I wish you could really see past this "love thing" you are feeling and see the reality of what you have gotten yourself into.
Addicts lie and they manipulate people to do their bidding so they can put blame on others so they can justify in their minds not taking responsibility for their own life. I will pray that you can see this...
Most of my family are addicts and I have heard just about every line an addict might throw out there at least twice.
I can't help but feel really sorry for you....it takes a while to get over a 12 year relationship where you have "lost yourself".....the proof that you are not over it is that you landed yourself in a relationship with an addict.
One tactic that addicts use in a relationship is to get someone feeling sorry for them...I use this quote from or your post as an example:
Originally Posted by findingserenity
It took a lot for us to get there. He had been really hurt two times by other girls. They ended up cheating on him. (once with his brother, once with his best friend ) so it took a lot for him to trust me and realize that I wasn't like all the other negative people in his life
Now he has you taking responsibility for dispensing his doses...I wish you could really see past this "love thing" you are feeling and see the reality of what you have gotten yourself into.
Addicts lie and they manipulate people to do their bidding so they can put blame on others so they can justify in their minds not taking responsibility for their own life. I will pray that you can see this...
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
The question you asked about Suboxone set off red flags in my mind. If he is taking something ordered by his dr why is he asking about taking other drugs???
I know you say you love him but just what are you getting yourself into?
If you are looking for a help mate & husband you are setting yourself up for alot of misery. He is not capable of loving you cuz he doesn't love himself. I was married to my ex for 10yrs, divorced many yrs ago. He called about 6 mts ago after 30yrs. He went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean till he was 58 yrs old. He told me he hated himself those yrs.
Focus on yourself & try & find out why you feel the need to "try" & have a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable??? I say try cuz no matter how much you love him as long as he stays the way he is this relationship will never bring you happiness for any length of time. The highs with him will get less high, more & more infrequent, until there aren't anymore highs & the lows will get alot deeper, more frequent & last longer, until you are so unhappy you will finally have enough & walk away.
I know you say you love him but just what are you getting yourself into?
If you are looking for a help mate & husband you are setting yourself up for alot of misery. He is not capable of loving you cuz he doesn't love himself. I was married to my ex for 10yrs, divorced many yrs ago. He called about 6 mts ago after 30yrs. He went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean till he was 58 yrs old. He told me he hated himself those yrs.
Focus on yourself & try & find out why you feel the need to "try" & have a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable??? I say try cuz no matter how much you love him as long as he stays the way he is this relationship will never bring you happiness for any length of time. The highs with him will get less high, more & more infrequent, until there aren't anymore highs & the lows will get alot deeper, more frequent & last longer, until you are so unhappy you will finally have enough & walk away.
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