conflicted08

I dated my husband for 4 yrs and we have been married for 1 yr last week. I knew that he drank alot, but i didn't let myself see that he had a problem up until feb. in feb our relationship almost ended because i douns out he had be cheating on me since our relationship started, but that's also when i realized that he was an alcohalic and that he is bipolar. In feb he was drunk and had pulled a gun on me while drinking, and pulled the trigger but was to drunk to know the safety was on and at that point in time i thoguht i deserved to be yelled at and thought anything that happend was my fault and i forgave him and he swore not to drink, i told him that i would leave if he did, when he started to drink again i didn't leave i tried to get him to go to councling or any kind of thearapy but he refused. I wasn't until last weekand that he got drunk and mad and started yelling at me that i realized that i feared my life and i couldn't take it anymore, so i left and stayed at a friends house and the fallowing night i stayed with my parents. Then sunday came and i talked to my husband and told him that i couldn't stay with him if he kept drinking i told him that i needed time to think about everything and i knew he had to work out of town this week and wouldn't be back till friday so i told him i would talk to him then and i might have some thoughts concluded but i have realized that i have no clue what to do i don't know how to handle the situation. I've never left at all before, i'm 21 i've never been an adult without him. He has promised to quit over 10 times since feb and can't make it threw more than a few days w/out overdrinking and then getting mad. I love him and i want to be with him. He called and promised that he would quit drinking and he would actually try this time, but i don't know if that can be enough. I was a meth addict from 12 to 17 and i got help and have been clean since, so I know it is possible to quit he helped me quit that so he knows it's possible to quit, but in the beginning yrs of our relationship i never said anything because i never let myself see anything. Feb just opened my eyes really wide. He went to AA and thearapy for this when he got his 2nd dui and it didn't help. Really i just don't know what to do and anything would be helpful.

NYC_Chick

Hi and Welcome!

Please find a safe place to stay, anywhere but with your husband. I hate to say this, but he's already threatened your life with a gun. What's next? Call a local women's shelter and get more information. Protect yourself first. Get a restraining order if you have to. PLEASE.

He needs more than AA if you are going to have a healthy marriage. Trying to quit and DOING are two different things. Since you are clean, you already know that. Let him deal with how to get help. In the meantime, please protect yourself and your own life. You're so young.

I hope this isn't harsh, but to be honest your post scared me a bit, and I've seen a lot in my own family. This is a very bad situation.

peaceteach

Hi Conflicted,

I'm sure glad you found this forum. It's a great, safe place to seek answers and support. Please take the time to realize what you are up against here, and that the one true answer is that you have absolutely no power over helping your husband, only helping yourself. Your life sounds so scary, and you are so young, my daughter's age. You said you haven't been an adult without him, but he is not showing you at all what an adult is. You CAN learn how to handle life without him, sweetie, and you deserve to find out all the wonderful things life has to offer instead of living in sadness and pain. It took some of us here a LONG time to realize this. I hope you know how much YOU are worth it. Please do what NYC Chick suggests and contact a woman's shelter (look in the phone book). Staying back with your parents sounds like a great plan until you can figure out how to take care of yourself as an adult. It's okay, and I would hope that my daughter would know that she never has to live like this if she chooses. You aren't making mistakes here, honey, he is. He will have to figure this thing out on his own. Your job at this point is to take care of you. Try to read about codependency on this forum (look up top at the "stickies"). Sending you hugs and prayers that you realize it is more important than anything else to keep yourself safe and away from a drunken husband.

prodigal

Conflicted, I am sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are here. We will try to help/support you in any way we can.

Here's what I've gathered from your post:

Your AH has been cheating on you from the get-go.
He is bipolar.
He pulled a gun on you.

It is by the grace of God that he didn't blow your brains out. His being too drunk to realize the safety was on does not mean he didn't have INTENT to shoot you.

You believed you deserved to be yelled at and believed anything you had done was your fault.

Does that include him shooting you if the safety had not been on?

When someone's life is in danger or the lives of their children are in danger, I urge an escape plan.

Do you have somewhere you can go?

Do you have a bag of clothes packed in your car?

Do you have money somewhere that you can get access to it?

I want you to realize that you are expunging him from responsibility for pulling a gun on you because he was too drunk to realize the safety was on. What if he had been drunk and the safety had not been on?

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE, OR AN ATTEMPT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON. Period. If he is bipolar and does not wish to seek professional counseling, medication for his disorder, and the care of a doctor ... my question to you is this:

Why are you staying with this man?

Cathy31

You need to get out of this situation. You have parents to stay with that's a start...you've also got clean yourself so that shows you are awesome! You are also young so you have your whole life ahead of you! Please get out. Now. Things will sort themselves out. Only time they won't is if you are dead. Otherwise anything is possible but get away from him. there is not one iota of a reason left for you to stay.
cathy31
x

Taking5

It is illegal to even point a gun at someone, even if the safety is on, even if the gun is not loaded. There are lots of drunks, but underneath most of them are good people if they can recover from their addiction.

I could write a book on this but it would not add to what has already been said here. Let me keep it simple:

This is an evil man.

Get out.

Now.

Barbara52

Welcome! ANd congrats on getting and staying clean. What a wonderful thing your have done for yourself!

Please listen to the others and put your safety first. From your own experience you already know that only your AH can save himself. You must concentrate on yourself.

FormerDoormat

This is a very dangerous situation you're in, Conflicted. Your husband has already proven to you that he will pull the trigger and shoot you. How much more warning do you need before you remove yourself from the danger zone? There may not be a warning next time and luck won't always be on your side.

Please seek immediate help with a local woman's shelter. And please read this link entitled "Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...Spousal Abuse)

NYC_Chick

Please let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself and be safe!

conflicted08

I'm doing okay still. I've just been thinking alot he's so good at making everything sounds like it can be okay, it's one of those things where i want to give him another chance to make it all better because ilove him and care about him and care about what happens to him and i won't know what happens if i leave. I'm just really scarred and confused. I know what i want to do and what i should do are totally different things, it's just that it's coming down to the time that i have to choose which way to go, he's only working out of town till friday, and last weekand that sounded like a long time, but as for right now it doesn't seem like any amount of time at all. I don't know what to do or where to go if i decide to leave and i'm one of those people that has to know what's going to happen in order to let it happen, and this time i really don't know what will happen eithor way but i do know that i have seen the path of my forgivness before and it really didn't do alot, from the outcome i know that it has made it worse. I want him to learn but i know that no matter what i want he has to learn on his own and that's just one more thing to add to the i'm still scarred group of thoughts. I'm going to try to stay strong and not take him back but he calls all the time and every time it's harder to say i have to go and i know i shouldn't have even answerd that phone but i'm young and a bit dumb, because if i wasn't i wouldn't be in this situation.

NYC_Chick

You're not dumb. You found this place and reached out for help didn't you?

I know it's hard, but trust me, after watching my father nearly strangle my mother to death, I can say with all honesty and concern that if he had already pulled a gun on you he's not just going to be okay...and neither are you. While you are away from him, take time to educate yourself. Also, think of ways to protect yourself. There are many resources.

Let him figure out if he wants help, but please don't put yourself in his destructive path. I know I am pleading here, but from the outside looking in and I can't see one reason why you should put yourself through this.

Keep reading and posting. We're all here for you!

starflier

Dear conflicted, please don't be so hard on yourself. Just reaching out for help and posting on this board is a major step.

You used the word "scarred" a few times. I know it's a spelling error that should be "scared," but it's also true that you have scars. It sounds like you've had quite the difficult life for someone so young, and you don't yet have the self-esteem you should have. Several others have told you to call your local women's shelter, but you must not have done that as you say you don't know where to go, and until you know where to go you don't have a path for leaving.

You are NOT SAFE in your present situation. CALL your local women's shelter. You need a safe place to stay and the presence of others to bolster your uncertainties. You say that what you know to be right is different from what you are doing. Only you can change that state of affairs. I know it's hard. I know it's painful. But you must take the first step. We're all rooting for you! Please keep us posted.

NeedHappiness

Hi Conflicted. Glad you have found us. And congratulations on your victory over drugs!!I must agree with what everyone else is suggesting to you. You need to get away from this man and find a safe place....whether it be a shelter, your parents, or somewhere. Keep this in mind.........ALL these people cannot be wrong! I can tell you from firsthand experience that someone who pulls a weapon on you is NOT a safe person to be around. He may be bipolar, he may have been drunk, but that is NEVER an excuse for what he did. When I was 19 yrs old someone I was dating held me hostage in our apartment and when I tried to escape he pulled a knife on me! I, too, was very scared and didn't know what to do! Please don't feel sorry for this man. Please listen to those of us who have been in your position. We are here to support and help you!!

NeedHappiness

Conflicted: I looked up some info for you. Try and call one of these places today!!

South Dakota Domestic Violence Shelters:

South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault 3220 S. Hwy 281 Aberdeen SD 57401 (605)225-5122

Resource Center For Women P.O. Box 41 Aberdeen SD 57402 Business #: 605-226-1212 Hotline/Crisis: 605-226-1212

Sacred Heart Women's Shelter P.O. Box 2000 Eagle Butte SD 57625 Business #: 605-964-6062 Hotline/Crisis: 605-964-7233

The Women's Circle Old Agency Box 689 Agency Village SD 57262 Business #: 605-698-4129 Hotline/Crisis: 605-698-4129

Brookings Domestic Abuse Shelter P.O. Box 36 Brookings SD 57006 Business #: 605-692-7233 Hotline/Crisis: 605-692-SAFE