Hello everyone--I'm so glad to be here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Hello everyone--I'm so glad to be here
I just joined this forum today. I recently ended a 6 month relationship with an alcoholic who I deeply love and thought I had a future with. I could no longer pretend that he wasn't an alcoholic, and that he wasn't starting to make me crazy. I know I also have codependency issues, and I want to change this.
J. drinks heavily. His beverage of choice is beer, and he does not think he has a problem, only that he "just really likes the taste of beer." He also drank, in secret, the alcohol in my liquor cabinet. He drank when he thought I didn't know--one time, he bought a big bottle of Coke and drank it throughout the day. What I didn't know, until I snooped through his bag, was that he was using the Coke as a chaser for a bottle of whiskey he was nipping on throughout the day. He is a binge drinker. He also drinks when he is alone, and he can't stop once he starts, until it is time to go to bed.
He preferrred the company of enabling, alcoholic friends, and often kept me waiting for him--sometimes he never bothered to show up at all. Many of our fights were triggered by his drinking, or his moodiness when hungover.
It got to the point where, one night after a fight (he was drunk, of course), something in me just shut down. He accused me of trying to "control" him, and "put a stranglehold" on him, becuase I told him clearly how his drinking was affecting our lives. Suddenly, I was the problem. I truly thought I was going crazy. I also became sick and tired of always obsessing about him--where is he? Is he working? Or is he drinking? Is he with his drinking buddies? If he wasn't with me, that is where he was--sitting at home on a stinky couch, watching movies, and getting hammered. He just seemed so checked-out of life.
After I broke up with him, which was very recently, I started gaining knowledge--about alcoholism and what it means, and about codependency. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't crazy--that the patterns he exhibited and the ones I showed too were typical of alcoholics and codependents. Suddenly I had a starting place for my own healing.
I never knew I could hurt so much, or feel so hopeless. I am just starting to understand alcoholism, but I have the feeling I have lost the man I love forever. He doesn't think he has a problem, and surrounds himself with enablers. So I have let go, in order to save myself. And it hurts. I know there is nothing I can do. But I am so glad to be here on this board.
J. drinks heavily. His beverage of choice is beer, and he does not think he has a problem, only that he "just really likes the taste of beer." He also drank, in secret, the alcohol in my liquor cabinet. He drank when he thought I didn't know--one time, he bought a big bottle of Coke and drank it throughout the day. What I didn't know, until I snooped through his bag, was that he was using the Coke as a chaser for a bottle of whiskey he was nipping on throughout the day. He is a binge drinker. He also drinks when he is alone, and he can't stop once he starts, until it is time to go to bed.
He preferrred the company of enabling, alcoholic friends, and often kept me waiting for him--sometimes he never bothered to show up at all. Many of our fights were triggered by his drinking, or his moodiness when hungover.
It got to the point where, one night after a fight (he was drunk, of course), something in me just shut down. He accused me of trying to "control" him, and "put a stranglehold" on him, becuase I told him clearly how his drinking was affecting our lives. Suddenly, I was the problem. I truly thought I was going crazy. I also became sick and tired of always obsessing about him--where is he? Is he working? Or is he drinking? Is he with his drinking buddies? If he wasn't with me, that is where he was--sitting at home on a stinky couch, watching movies, and getting hammered. He just seemed so checked-out of life.
After I broke up with him, which was very recently, I started gaining knowledge--about alcoholism and what it means, and about codependency. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't crazy--that the patterns he exhibited and the ones I showed too were typical of alcoholics and codependents. Suddenly I had a starting place for my own healing.
I never knew I could hurt so much, or feel so hopeless. I am just starting to understand alcoholism, but I have the feeling I have lost the man I love forever. He doesn't think he has a problem, and surrounds himself with enablers. So I have let go, in order to save myself. And it hurts. I know there is nothing I can do. But I am so glad to be here on this board.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! You are found a great place for support.
I know you are in pain but you probably took the best action to break up with the guy. You can now work at udnerstanding your own issues and move toward a better life.
Keep posting and let us get to know you.
I know you are in pain but you probably took the best action to break up with the guy. You can now work at udnerstanding your own issues and move toward a better life.
Keep posting and let us get to know you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
You are so not crazy! And it took you only 6 months to figure that out. I’m just learning it myself after 17 years! So, good for you!
Keep reading and keep learning. Knowledge is power. It sounds like your already on your way. I have found that Al-Anon, along with the support here, has been amazing in the changes I need to make in myself while living with an ah and the effects of alcoholism in my life. Also with my own personal issues of always trying to fix things, making others happy, and thinking I can love anyone into happiness.
Learning about alcoholism and codependency may not help the pain, but it will help bring some understanding, and perhaps that will help you be happier in the future.
Keep reading and keep learning. Knowledge is power. It sounds like your already on your way. I have found that Al-Anon, along with the support here, has been amazing in the changes I need to make in myself while living with an ah and the effects of alcoholism in my life. Also with my own personal issues of always trying to fix things, making others happy, and thinking I can love anyone into happiness.
Learning about alcoholism and codependency may not help the pain, but it will help bring some understanding, and perhaps that will help you be happier in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thank you Barbara and juju. And juju, that phrase "thinking I can love anyone into happiness" ? Um, the "clue phone" just rang , and it was for me. That is exactly what I thought I could do. Codependency--it's a new toy everyday!
And thank you, cmc--nice to meet you as well!
And thank you, cmc--nice to meet you as well!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hello Paintbaby, nice to meet you. i left my xab 7 months ago, it took me a long time to get back to normal, the hurt gradually subsided and i finally had my life back i adopted the no contact rule. Carry on working on your issues, you cant change his, that's up to him. Be aware of manipulation in this early stage of seperation.
Glad you found us, and let us know how your getting on.
Mair xx
Glad you found us, and let us know how your getting on.
Mair xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thank you, Mair. Although he hasn't tried to contact me, I have adopted "no contact" as teh way to go here, because I know I could very easily get sucked right back in otherwise. It was tough the first couple of days, but acceptance is finally setting in. Learning how to take care of me will be my main focus. I'm slowly learning how insidious this disease is, but it has been a tough, tough lesson.
I'm grateful for the support.
I'm grateful for the support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi Paintbaby and welcome to SR!
Thanks to SR I was finally able to break things off with XABF and understand that "no contact" was necessary for my own healing. I suspect your XABF will try to make contact with you soon enough so be prepared.....block emails and either send his phone calls to voice mail or block his number outright. Keep posting here for support.....you can be assured of it.
ARL
Thanks to SR I was finally able to break things off with XABF and understand that "no contact" was necessary for my own healing. I suspect your XABF will try to make contact with you soon enough so be prepared.....block emails and either send his phone calls to voice mail or block his number outright. Keep posting here for support.....you can be assured of it.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, sweetie. It is such a great gift you are giving yourself to educate yourself in this addict/codependent knowledge. Good for you, and you deserve it. I'm sorry you are in pain, but I do believe the lessons you are learning will one day greatly benefit you and those you love in the future. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Your story is like most of our own personal stories. They all sound almost exactly alike it is so strange. You are not alone and you are not CRAZY by any means. We get sucked in because we fall in love but it is never to late to turn it around for you. You can't turn it around for him. He has to do that on his own.
Knowledge is power so keep reading - you will never fix him. He has to do that himself. Unfortunately a lot of times they really need to hit a rock bottom and lose everything that means everything to them.
You not being there may be the first sign to him that there is a problem.
You deserve to be happy and don't deserve to be stood up and always wondering where he is. He is an adult and you need to have trust in your relationship. If you don't have trust you don't have much to work with.
I go through the same thing with my husband. Where alcohol is concerned I have no trust in him at all. But I am no longer a babysitter. They are baby steps but I am doing things for myself to make myself feel better even though my husband is an alcohlic.
He is doing a little better but still stuggling. I am being supportive becuase there are postive changes in him, but I am no longer enabling him and constantly forgiving him for all the things he does while under the influence of alcohol.
Just know you are not crazy. He has the problem. You will be better. Go to meetings if need be surround yourself with postive loving people and move forward.
Keep us posted. Hope you have a good night.
Knowledge is power so keep reading - you will never fix him. He has to do that himself. Unfortunately a lot of times they really need to hit a rock bottom and lose everything that means everything to them.
You not being there may be the first sign to him that there is a problem.
You deserve to be happy and don't deserve to be stood up and always wondering where he is. He is an adult and you need to have trust in your relationship. If you don't have trust you don't have much to work with.
I go through the same thing with my husband. Where alcohol is concerned I have no trust in him at all. But I am no longer a babysitter. They are baby steps but I am doing things for myself to make myself feel better even though my husband is an alcohlic.
He is doing a little better but still stuggling. I am being supportive becuase there are postive changes in him, but I am no longer enabling him and constantly forgiving him for all the things he does while under the influence of alcohol.
Just know you are not crazy. He has the problem. You will be better. Go to meetings if need be surround yourself with postive loving people and move forward.
Keep us posted. Hope you have a good night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thank you, Sad. There is much wisdom, and comfort in your post. It's tough letting go, but I really did not have a choice, if I want a happy life for myself. And I'm angry that his alcoholism means it won't be with him. Alas.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi Paintbaby, welcome to SR!
I hope you keep posting with us, there are alot of people, including me, working on our codependancy, and I find alot of support and wisdom here that has spured me on when times are tough.
Looking forward to getting to know you better!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hope you keep posting with us, there are alot of people, including me, working on our codependancy, and I find alot of support and wisdom here that has spured me on when times are tough.
Looking forward to getting to know you better!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Paintbaby- are you really ME posting under another name? Seriously, I could have written your post almost word for word.
This Friday will be 4 weeks since I kicked my xabf out of the house. It hurts and yes it is possibly the hardes thing I've ever done. I loved this man with everything I had. I wanted so bad to "love him sober" but as we all know that doesn't work.
There has been no contact and that is the only way I can get thru this. He only texted me once soon after our breakup wanting to know if "we could fix this somehow" and I just texted back NO. Since then, nothing. From what I understand he is spiralling down fast. Drinking and drugging his way thru the days.
In my heart I KNOW I did the right thing. And yes mine made me feel crazy about so many different things. It's hard to let go of someone that you love but I knew I had to for my own sanity and wellbeing.
I so feel for you right now. You will have good days when you absolutely KNOW you did the right thing and you will have bad days when you are freaking out questioning yourself wondering what the hell were YOU thinking? When those bad days hit - don't dwell on the "good moments" you had - think about how you felt "waiting" for him or dealing with his alcoholic behavior and come here and read the crap that our alcoholics dish out. It helps - it really does.
Like I said - I'm still hurting and wanted nothing more than for this man to get clean and sober and be with me forever. I realized that was never going to happen. I begged, I cried, I groveled, I bitched, I compromised - I did everything a co-dependent would do to try to MAKE him see what a wonderful life we could have together...if only he would get help. It's a miserable life living with an alcoholic - a life that I'm not willing to live. I'm only 39 and I have alot of "good" stuff in me to share. I just grew tired of sharing them with someone who picked drugs and alcohol over me.
Hang in there and be strong! Big hugs to you.
This Friday will be 4 weeks since I kicked my xabf out of the house. It hurts and yes it is possibly the hardes thing I've ever done. I loved this man with everything I had. I wanted so bad to "love him sober" but as we all know that doesn't work.
There has been no contact and that is the only way I can get thru this. He only texted me once soon after our breakup wanting to know if "we could fix this somehow" and I just texted back NO. Since then, nothing. From what I understand he is spiralling down fast. Drinking and drugging his way thru the days.
In my heart I KNOW I did the right thing. And yes mine made me feel crazy about so many different things. It's hard to let go of someone that you love but I knew I had to for my own sanity and wellbeing.
I so feel for you right now. You will have good days when you absolutely KNOW you did the right thing and you will have bad days when you are freaking out questioning yourself wondering what the hell were YOU thinking? When those bad days hit - don't dwell on the "good moments" you had - think about how you felt "waiting" for him or dealing with his alcoholic behavior and come here and read the crap that our alcoholics dish out. It helps - it really does.
Like I said - I'm still hurting and wanted nothing more than for this man to get clean and sober and be with me forever. I realized that was never going to happen. I begged, I cried, I groveled, I bitched, I compromised - I did everything a co-dependent would do to try to MAKE him see what a wonderful life we could have together...if only he would get help. It's a miserable life living with an alcoholic - a life that I'm not willing to live. I'm only 39 and I have alot of "good" stuff in me to share. I just grew tired of sharing them with someone who picked drugs and alcohol over me.
Hang in there and be strong! Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Paint Baby,
Welcome to SR....you have a remarkably resilient spirit, and though you joined the forum for help and insight into YOUR issues...we Codies (co-dependents) can probably learn alot from you...as you relay wonderful examples of strength and courage as you take your life back.
We always seem to look back at the "what if" our xABF would do this or that....their "potential" is our imagination of what "could be"...not WHAT IS.
You saw WHAT IS...You have established boundaries of what is acceptable.
In some respects you are several steps ahead of where I and others are when we realize we can not control how they feel, what they do, and as Juju said, try all ways to "love them into happiness" if they are not ready to love and respect themselves.
Some days are harder than others...but the good thing is all of your "forum friends" here...it's great to know there are many others who have been there or ARE there, and gain comfort from everyone's compassion.
((HUGS))
rivka
Welcome to SR....you have a remarkably resilient spirit, and though you joined the forum for help and insight into YOUR issues...we Codies (co-dependents) can probably learn alot from you...as you relay wonderful examples of strength and courage as you take your life back.
We always seem to look back at the "what if" our xABF would do this or that....their "potential" is our imagination of what "could be"...not WHAT IS.
You saw WHAT IS...You have established boundaries of what is acceptable.
In some respects you are several steps ahead of where I and others are when we realize we can not control how they feel, what they do, and as Juju said, try all ways to "love them into happiness" if they are not ready to love and respect themselves.
Some days are harder than others...but the good thing is all of your "forum friends" here...it's great to know there are many others who have been there or ARE there, and gain comfort from everyone's compassion.
((HUGS))
rivka
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Welcome Paintbaby!! I, too, could have written your post. My XABF left 3 weeks ago and it is becoming easier for me. I have a lot of codie behaviour to work on myself but with the help and stories shared here on SR, life has become better. I also know I have done the right thing.
You will have good moments and bad ones, but just hang in there. It is okay to grieve your loss.
Prayers going out to you
You will have good moments and bad ones, but just hang in there. It is okay to grieve your loss.
Prayers going out to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thank you for the kind words, everyone. Last night was tough--he e-mailed me (clearly drunk), telling me how much he missed me and loved me--but alas, no talk of a treatment plan. I didn't buy into the emotional stuff like I usually do, but I did email back a very succinct, short note telling him that I love him too, but he is destroying himself and I WILL NOT watch. I may love my alcoholic, but I love myself more. It would have been soooooo easy just to leap back in and believe all the lies, but something in me just won't let me do that anymore.
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