First Post Need advice (taking legal action against my mother)
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6
First Post Need advice (taking legal action against my mother)
Hello,
I'm sure my story is not much different then everybody elses on here. My mother is an active alcoholic, maybe a little different then most. First off she does not drink "regular" alcohal, she chooses to drink listerine (BLECH!).
The Clif notes
She has been drinking as long as I can remember
When I was 15/16 she went to treatment for the 1st time
Things were good for the next 10 years or so (occasional relaps but few and far between)
5 years ago my father died and things have gone down hill dramaticly She is now drunk 6-10 times per year
2 years ago her sisters invited her to move to a new state and they would help and support her, I was optimistic as me, my brother and my sister are worn out from the efforts.
It has not gone well, and as of last night her sisters have washed their hands of her, and us (they wont even return calls)
That is the background, now to the current situation, She is on a bender, has been for a few days. We (Her children) are planning on taking controle of her life.
The plan
1) A trust is set up by court order, She doesnt work and we need to make sure she has finances to support her for the rest of her life. She is not responsible enough to take care of this her self anymore
2) Moving her in with my brother, at first to get her out of her current situation, and find her a new place closer to family
3) Find her a new place in her new city to start over, with family near by (not patty and selma Nicknames for the sisters)
First off I appriciate it but I dont need any "I'm sorry" posts, everybody here has it just as bad if not worse then I do, save your streghth for your own battles....
Has anybody had to deal with this sort of thing? If so do you have any advice on the best way to go about it, dangers/Pitfalls to watch out for ?
Thanks for your time
Good luck and God Bless
I'm sure my story is not much different then everybody elses on here. My mother is an active alcoholic, maybe a little different then most. First off she does not drink "regular" alcohal, she chooses to drink listerine (BLECH!).
The Clif notes
She has been drinking as long as I can remember
When I was 15/16 she went to treatment for the 1st time
Things were good for the next 10 years or so (occasional relaps but few and far between)
5 years ago my father died and things have gone down hill dramaticly She is now drunk 6-10 times per year
2 years ago her sisters invited her to move to a new state and they would help and support her, I was optimistic as me, my brother and my sister are worn out from the efforts.
It has not gone well, and as of last night her sisters have washed their hands of her, and us (they wont even return calls)
That is the background, now to the current situation, She is on a bender, has been for a few days. We (Her children) are planning on taking controle of her life.
The plan
1) A trust is set up by court order, She doesnt work and we need to make sure she has finances to support her for the rest of her life. She is not responsible enough to take care of this her self anymore
2) Moving her in with my brother, at first to get her out of her current situation, and find her a new place closer to family
3) Find her a new place in her new city to start over, with family near by (not patty and selma Nicknames for the sisters)
First off I appriciate it but I dont need any "I'm sorry" posts, everybody here has it just as bad if not worse then I do, save your streghth for your own battles....
Has anybody had to deal with this sort of thing? If so do you have any advice on the best way to go about it, dangers/Pitfalls to watch out for ?
Thanks for your time
Good luck and God Bless
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
She has a trust fund set up to provide for her? She's moving closer to her family?
Sound like a good plan ( for your mother )
The only thing I have not detected in your post is; What you and your brother plan to do about her drinking?
If you think that providing for you mother's needs is going to remove her desire to drink listerine, I am afraid you could be in for a disappointment.
If I could find any pitfalls in your plan I would have to say that it sounds a little bit like you and your brother are enabling your mother.
Welcome to the forums; You might also want to check out:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Folks over there know tons of stuff about dealing with alcoholic family.
Sound like a good plan ( for your mother )
The only thing I have not detected in your post is; What you and your brother plan to do about her drinking?
If you think that providing for you mother's needs is going to remove her desire to drink listerine, I am afraid you could be in for a disappointment.
If I could find any pitfalls in your plan I would have to say that it sounds a little bit like you and your brother are enabling your mother.
Welcome to the forums; You might also want to check out:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Folks over there know tons of stuff about dealing with alcoholic family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I don't have personal experience with this (although it may come to it one day, and I dread that), but from people I know who did have to do this, they usually started by contacting whatever department of social services in your area deals with the elderly. They will know where you need to start and how to go about getting control over her finances etc.
Where I live, I know it is quite difficult to do, as one of my coworkers is going through it with her mom, who is showing extreme signs of dementia.
Where I live, I know it is quite difficult to do, as one of my coworkers is going through it with her mom, who is showing extreme signs of dementia.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Okay, I'm just going to say this...
Please don't do anything that she can do for herself.
She has to get well for herself you cannot force her to do the right thing with a legal action.
Get some help for yourself. If you grew up with an alcoholic mother it is probably time that you reached out. Al-Anon or some other program.
My prayers are with you.
Please don't do anything that she can do for herself.
She has to get well for herself you cannot force her to do the right thing with a legal action.
Get some help for yourself. If you grew up with an alcoholic mother it is probably time that you reached out. Al-Anon or some other program.
My prayers are with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Peter 
She has a trust fund set up to provide for her? She's moving closer to her family?
Sound like a good plan ( for your mother )
The only thing I have not detected in your post is; What you and your brother plan to do about her drinking?
Sound like a good plan ( for your mother )
The only thing I have not detected in your post is; What you and your brother plan to do about her drinking?
I no longer believe in treatement, I'm sure its great and works for some people, but not my mother, she will go through the steps, she'll say the right things she does the whole bit... then stops and buys a bottle on the way home... Call me bitter but I'm sick and tired of their psyco-babble she drinks because of this or she drinks because of that.....
She drinks because at some point when she is sober, she decides that drinking is more important then not drinking, its really that simple.
The facts are
A) She is going to drink, no matter what
B) She drinks less when somebody comes over and spends time with her after she has started drinking
C) Her sisters thought they could "Fix" her and have now "washed their hands of her completly"
The plan is no longer to stop her drinking, but rather to make sure she is safe WHEN she drinks.
The next step we have to secure is to make sure she is provided for... which is why we are planning on forcing controle of her finances....
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Your plan sounds like a very healthy one for you Stryker. You are taking care of her essentials, without getting wrapped up in *her* decision to continue to ruin her life by drinking.
What you're saying doesn't sound harsh to me at all, it sounds healthy. She doesn't want to stop drinking and she won't unless she wants to, so the best you can do is try to make sure she doesn't drink herself into being homeless. A good combination of reality, compassion and healthy separation.
What you're saying doesn't sound harsh to me at all, it sounds healthy. She doesn't want to stop drinking and she won't unless she wants to, so the best you can do is try to make sure she doesn't drink herself into being homeless. A good combination of reality, compassion and healthy separation.
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Originally Posted by Stryker908
The plan is no longer to stop her drinking, but rather to make sure she is safe WHEN she drinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6
I have to say, I posted that with my defenses pretty alert, I was expecting something telling me not to give up etc. or well I'm not sure what I expected, but I'm pleasantly supprised... thanks for the support !
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Location: Starting over all over again
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Hi there Stryker, and welcome to SoberRecovery 
What you are planning with your Mom is usually refered to as an "intervention". As a rule, the purpose of an intervention is to get the alkie into treatment, in your case it is a little simpler because your goal is only to try and protect her. If you browse around this forum and search with the keyword "intervention" you'll find a lot of useful information. Here's a few tips to get you started.
1- Get all your family members educated on alcoholism. The best place to start is in that forum that Peter suggested. Focus on the "progression" of the disease and on the medical consequences of alcoholism.
2- Find a lawyer who has experience in handling "elderly welfare". You are going to have to go before a judge and have your Mom declared incompetent against her will. That's going to take a good lawyer.
3- Just like "child proofing" a home is important for the safety of the children, "elderly proofing" a home is important for the safety of all the occupants. Drunks have a bad habit of accidentaly burning down places, so this is a very important issue for you guys.
4- A shrink with experience in alcoholism will also be very helpful, not for your Mom but for you guys. After a few months of her reacting against being taken against her will you guys will be climbing the walls and a shrink is going to be a huge help.
That should get you going.
Welcome again
Mike
What you are planning with your Mom is usually refered to as an "intervention". As a rule, the purpose of an intervention is to get the alkie into treatment, in your case it is a little simpler because your goal is only to try and protect her. If you browse around this forum and search with the keyword "intervention" you'll find a lot of useful information. Here's a few tips to get you started.
1- Get all your family members educated on alcoholism. The best place to start is in that forum that Peter suggested. Focus on the "progression" of the disease and on the medical consequences of alcoholism.
2- Find a lawyer who has experience in handling "elderly welfare". You are going to have to go before a judge and have your Mom declared incompetent against her will. That's going to take a good lawyer.
3- Just like "child proofing" a home is important for the safety of the children, "elderly proofing" a home is important for the safety of all the occupants. Drunks have a bad habit of accidentaly burning down places, so this is a very important issue for you guys.
4- A shrink with experience in alcoholism will also be very helpful, not for your Mom but for you guys. After a few months of her reacting against being taken against her will you guys will be climbing the walls and a shrink is going to be a huge help.
That should get you going.
Welcome again
Mike
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1
I need to take legal action!!...
Stryker- Identical situation over here! Except the BLECH part. My mother has probably been drinking since I was 14/15 years old. Actually maybe earlier than that, but that was when I caught on to it.
My dad passed away 5 years ago as well and my mother went drastically down hill as well. My family actually has started leaving her out more and mroe because she makes a complete mess of herself and continues to live in her little "depressed, poor me" bubble.
I have come to the same harsh point, that I know I cannot stop her drinking. And to the point where I am waiting for something terrible to happen to her so she gets the "slap in the face". I have tried intervention and I have gone to AA meetings so that I could better understand this whole disease, but I am tired of trying.
My biggest fear is now, besides losing her (little bit), is that we have a family business in which my father built for us. So not only with the sentimental stuff, he made this horse barn/stable so that we could enjoy our biggest passion (as a family) and have a great business in our backyard. Well, my sister and I (I am the oldest of 3, and my middle sister) run the business now. Not only do I work here, I nanny 45-49 hrs a week and I am finishing up my associates degree in Healthcare. Ya, so coming home to a drunk is not something I look forward to everyday. It has basically come to the point where our clients are starting to not even think of her as a part of this family business.
To top that off, my mother DOES NOT WORK and believes that the business in which she does nothing for and really never has, owes her something. She continually pays her personal bills with the stable account. Now, say something happened to her, WHAT do I do with the debt she has caused this stable? What do I do with the debt she has caused herself!?!?!
the stable makes enough to pay for all this, but it has to become controlled. Which I have been trying to do slowly over the past 6 mos. I go 8 steps forward and 40 steps backwards. there is a trust set up, but only in her name. She is a selfish, conceeded, lazy alcoholic and I don't kow what to do anymore.
PLEASE HELP!!?!?
My dad passed away 5 years ago as well and my mother went drastically down hill as well. My family actually has started leaving her out more and mroe because she makes a complete mess of herself and continues to live in her little "depressed, poor me" bubble.
I have come to the same harsh point, that I know I cannot stop her drinking. And to the point where I am waiting for something terrible to happen to her so she gets the "slap in the face". I have tried intervention and I have gone to AA meetings so that I could better understand this whole disease, but I am tired of trying.
My biggest fear is now, besides losing her (little bit), is that we have a family business in which my father built for us. So not only with the sentimental stuff, he made this horse barn/stable so that we could enjoy our biggest passion (as a family) and have a great business in our backyard. Well, my sister and I (I am the oldest of 3, and my middle sister) run the business now. Not only do I work here, I nanny 45-49 hrs a week and I am finishing up my associates degree in Healthcare. Ya, so coming home to a drunk is not something I look forward to everyday. It has basically come to the point where our clients are starting to not even think of her as a part of this family business.
To top that off, my mother DOES NOT WORK and believes that the business in which she does nothing for and really never has, owes her something. She continually pays her personal bills with the stable account. Now, say something happened to her, WHAT do I do with the debt she has caused this stable? What do I do with the debt she has caused herself!?!?!
the stable makes enough to pay for all this, but it has to become controlled. Which I have been trying to do slowly over the past 6 mos. I go 8 steps forward and 40 steps backwards. there is a trust set up, but only in her name. She is a selfish, conceeded, lazy alcoholic and I don't kow what to do anymore.
PLEASE HELP!!?!?
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