What to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: champlin, minnesota
Posts: 9
What to do
Hi everyone.
I know that it has been awhile since I have been on here. Summer here, kids out of school, too much to do etc. No excuse for not coming. Hubby was doing well for a while, a couple of falls of course while I am at work. Found the bottles and left them for him to see that I found them. He says Please don't be underhanded and leave them on the counter even though I know that I probably deserve it for doing this to you. I need to go to an AA meeting.
He has been back to his sweet loving self and just plain goes to bed if he is drinking, manages to go about a week and a half with the exception of this week. Twice in one week. bad days at work is my guess, because he calls from work and lets me know that he is having a bad day.
Where he got the vodka(doesn't drink Jim Beam any more because he knows then that I can really smell it on him. Thinks the vodka won't give that tell tale smell. What a b**b.) This past week he drank while I was at work on Monday and my son bless his heart stayed up until Mom got h ome at 11:30 just to make sure all was well, had my cell phone, for some reason known only to God why I took it with me that night but I guess He knew what was going to happen. So son was in constant contact with me.
Last night came home from his second job and said his boss wouldn't give him the money for working (using the excuse that I needed the money to pay a bill but luckily I said I didn't need it until Sunday morning when I could make out the money order at work for the bill after he got paid) Besides, his boss(Jimmy) won't give him the money because he knows that he is not to be drinking at all, Bless his heart he is a true friend. How hubby got the booze I have no idea, I have his credit cards and all of his money. Somebody had to have gotten it for him. All I know is he came home and he was fine, went out to get a bottle of water (and I knew that it was water) from his truck and said "I don't have anything out there I promise you can even smell my breath". He came back in and I gave him a kiss and He says"are you giving me the mommy breathalizer test? (smiling of course as he says it)" we sit up and talk for a few minutes and then I go to bed as I have to get up a 4 am to get ready for work.
3:15 am I am awoken to him crawling into bed drunk. Get up and go shut the tv off in the living room and shut off the light and decide that it is too late for me to go back to bed I would miss the alarm. As I am turning the light off in the living room, I see a bottle cap. Alarms go off!!!!!! Liquor bottle caps!!! I start looking for the bottle under the chair, behind the curtain, up a bove the cupboards , under the bed and low and behold, in the computer printer cabinet an empty liter bottle of vodka. I went in and smacked the bottom of his foot with the plastic bottle and he woke up as best he could. I just told him thanks for lying to me.
Right now I feel nothing. No pain, no anger no sadness, nothing. I have to go to work in an hour. Thank goodness my son will be up about 7:30 so I will call then to make sure all is well. I am tired. He was doing good there for a while.
I pray to God in the mornings to help him get through the day without drinking and at night to thank Him for keeping hubby sober through the day. My son is going to be furious with his father when he wakes up. He just wants to yell at his father and tell him what he thinks. I tell him to just hold off and find some other way to get it out before he breaks out into a rash again(nerves I finally deduced). But sometimes I think the confrontation will do daddy some good, he adores his children, but they are getting tired of it too. I have made hubby apologize to his children for the drinking bouts. He says he is sorry and that he is trying very hard. But that it is like having the devil and the angel on each shoulder, one saying drink it , ddrink it and the other saying you don't need it don't drink it. I told him that is the time he needs to call his brother in the program and have him talk him through the craving. His brother has told him to call him no matter what time of day it is. even though his brother lives half way across the country and has been sober for 1 1/2 years.
Sorry this is so long but have been out of the loop for a few weeks here and just needed to get it out.
What do I do about not feeling anything?
I am scared about that!
El
I know that it has been awhile since I have been on here. Summer here, kids out of school, too much to do etc. No excuse for not coming. Hubby was doing well for a while, a couple of falls of course while I am at work. Found the bottles and left them for him to see that I found them. He says Please don't be underhanded and leave them on the counter even though I know that I probably deserve it for doing this to you. I need to go to an AA meeting.
He has been back to his sweet loving self and just plain goes to bed if he is drinking, manages to go about a week and a half with the exception of this week. Twice in one week. bad days at work is my guess, because he calls from work and lets me know that he is having a bad day.
Where he got the vodka(doesn't drink Jim Beam any more because he knows then that I can really smell it on him. Thinks the vodka won't give that tell tale smell. What a b**b.) This past week he drank while I was at work on Monday and my son bless his heart stayed up until Mom got h ome at 11:30 just to make sure all was well, had my cell phone, for some reason known only to God why I took it with me that night but I guess He knew what was going to happen. So son was in constant contact with me.
Last night came home from his second job and said his boss wouldn't give him the money for working (using the excuse that I needed the money to pay a bill but luckily I said I didn't need it until Sunday morning when I could make out the money order at work for the bill after he got paid) Besides, his boss(Jimmy) won't give him the money because he knows that he is not to be drinking at all, Bless his heart he is a true friend. How hubby got the booze I have no idea, I have his credit cards and all of his money. Somebody had to have gotten it for him. All I know is he came home and he was fine, went out to get a bottle of water (and I knew that it was water) from his truck and said "I don't have anything out there I promise you can even smell my breath". He came back in and I gave him a kiss and He says"are you giving me the mommy breathalizer test? (smiling of course as he says it)" we sit up and talk for a few minutes and then I go to bed as I have to get up a 4 am to get ready for work.
3:15 am I am awoken to him crawling into bed drunk. Get up and go shut the tv off in the living room and shut off the light and decide that it is too late for me to go back to bed I would miss the alarm. As I am turning the light off in the living room, I see a bottle cap. Alarms go off!!!!!! Liquor bottle caps!!! I start looking for the bottle under the chair, behind the curtain, up a bove the cupboards , under the bed and low and behold, in the computer printer cabinet an empty liter bottle of vodka. I went in and smacked the bottom of his foot with the plastic bottle and he woke up as best he could. I just told him thanks for lying to me.
Right now I feel nothing. No pain, no anger no sadness, nothing. I have to go to work in an hour. Thank goodness my son will be up about 7:30 so I will call then to make sure all is well. I am tired. He was doing good there for a while.
I pray to God in the mornings to help him get through the day without drinking and at night to thank Him for keeping hubby sober through the day. My son is going to be furious with his father when he wakes up. He just wants to yell at his father and tell him what he thinks. I tell him to just hold off and find some other way to get it out before he breaks out into a rash again(nerves I finally deduced). But sometimes I think the confrontation will do daddy some good, he adores his children, but they are getting tired of it too. I have made hubby apologize to his children for the drinking bouts. He says he is sorry and that he is trying very hard. But that it is like having the devil and the angel on each shoulder, one saying drink it , ddrink it and the other saying you don't need it don't drink it. I told him that is the time he needs to call his brother in the program and have him talk him through the craving. His brother has told him to call him no matter what time of day it is. even though his brother lives half way across the country and has been sober for 1 1/2 years.
Sorry this is so long but have been out of the loop for a few weeks here and just needed to get it out.
What do I do about not feeling anything?
I am scared about that!
El
Big kitty nose hugs
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
Posts: 1,261
elsede
I am so sorry for your disappointment, pain, and anger. I too have felt the same way when believing in my daughter, the betrayal hurts alot. Your post really touhed me and I felt I had to respond.
I think it would be good if your kids could express their feelings to their father in a way that is not a pesonal attack on him, just their feelings. Seems to me it would be very healthy for them, of course i am no expert by a long shot, just my opinion. Maybe they could write him a letter, or write a letter to drugs and alcohol, or something along those lines. That way they could relay their feelings to their father in a constructive way, with less risk of confrontation.
You really seem to have alot of inner strenth, and to have it together as much as you can. I admire that.
I am so sorry for your disappointment, pain, and anger. I too have felt the same way when believing in my daughter, the betrayal hurts alot. Your post really touhed me and I felt I had to respond.
I think it would be good if your kids could express their feelings to their father in a way that is not a pesonal attack on him, just their feelings. Seems to me it would be very healthy for them, of course i am no expert by a long shot, just my opinion. Maybe they could write him a letter, or write a letter to drugs and alcohol, or something along those lines. That way they could relay their feelings to their father in a constructive way, with less risk of confrontation.
You really seem to have alot of inner strenth, and to have it together as much as you can. I admire that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
elsede,
Are you exhausted yet?? I am really feeling bad for you right now! You seem to have alot on your plate. I remember way back when, when I would follow my husband around emptying this bottle and that bottle. I got to the point where it was an obsession. I was totally consumed with making sure he didn't drink that I totally forgot about me. I would kiss him to smell his breath, or go through the car to try and find a hidden bottle.
I hate to sound so harsh but you have to stop doing this to yourself. It is way too exhausting to try and keep an alcoholic sober. You can't keep him sober no matter how many bottles you find and toss away. He'll go get more if he wants it. They always find a way. You really need Al-Anon! You need to focus your energies on you and the kids and know that you can't control his actions. It is hard to get to this point but it is such a relief when you get there. I am telling you this because I've been there and I was losing it totally inside! I hope you find your way to a meeting soon or at least keep posting here. We are here to help you not judge you.
With Much Love and Concern,
2many2count
Are you exhausted yet?? I am really feeling bad for you right now! You seem to have alot on your plate. I remember way back when, when I would follow my husband around emptying this bottle and that bottle. I got to the point where it was an obsession. I was totally consumed with making sure he didn't drink that I totally forgot about me. I would kiss him to smell his breath, or go through the car to try and find a hidden bottle.
I hate to sound so harsh but you have to stop doing this to yourself. It is way too exhausting to try and keep an alcoholic sober. You can't keep him sober no matter how many bottles you find and toss away. He'll go get more if he wants it. They always find a way. You really need Al-Anon! You need to focus your energies on you and the kids and know that you can't control his actions. It is hard to get to this point but it is such a relief when you get there. I am telling you this because I've been there and I was losing it totally inside! I hope you find your way to a meeting soon or at least keep posting here. We are here to help you not judge you.
With Much Love and Concern,
2many2count
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 35
oh boy,you sound just like me.Thats exactly what I used to do!I'd search for the jim beam.He always had it hidden(still keeps it out of sight).One time I saved enough bottles to make a pyramid out of them.Then I took a picture!This is when I thought I might leave him and I wanted evidence for divorce court.
I no longer do those things because I started to feel a little crazy.I was obssessed with searching for everything.Finally,after reading several Melody Beatie books,I realised I was wasting my time.I started concentrating on myself and my little girl.
Try to think of yourself.You deserve to have some peace and happiness.There's nothing we can do to make them stop drinking,they have to do that themselves.
As for being worried while your at work I also understand that.My husband used to pass out while I was gone.Thank God my daughter was asleep before he was.Or sometimes they'd pick me up from work and he'd be drunk!My job was only ablock away from the house but I worked nights.I started walking home at eleven oclock at night so he wouldn't drive drunk with her in the car.I finally quit my job,I needed to anyway,I got sick of trying to do it all!!
Anyway,I wish you some peace of mind and happiness.Try to think of yourself and your son
GOD BLESS,karen
I no longer do those things because I started to feel a little crazy.I was obssessed with searching for everything.Finally,after reading several Melody Beatie books,I realised I was wasting my time.I started concentrating on myself and my little girl.
Try to think of yourself.You deserve to have some peace and happiness.There's nothing we can do to make them stop drinking,they have to do that themselves.
As for being worried while your at work I also understand that.My husband used to pass out while I was gone.Thank God my daughter was asleep before he was.Or sometimes they'd pick me up from work and he'd be drunk!My job was only ablock away from the house but I worked nights.I started walking home at eleven oclock at night so he wouldn't drive drunk with her in the car.I finally quit my job,I needed to anyway,I got sick of trying to do it all!!
Anyway,I wish you some peace of mind and happiness.Try to think of yourself and your son
GOD BLESS,karen
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
It's not your fault that he drinks.
His drinking has nothing to do with you or your family. It's normal to take it personally. But, he's not doing it to destroy your life. He's doing it to destroy his. You will ALWAYS have zero impact on whether he drinks, when he drinks. Accept that fact.
Already, you, your son, his boss, are altering your lives to work around his problem. It's HIS problem, not all of yours.
Part of why you are going in circles and wasting energy on this situation, is that you haven't really accepted how pointless your efforts are.
Touching and messing with his bottles only makes it worse. You get yourself all worked up emotionally, and give him evidence to prove what a meddling witch you are.
Detaching, to me, means training yourself to stop expecting anything from them. Stop expecting them to act responsibly, stop expecting them to be sober, stop expecting them to be available to you emotionally, stop expecting them to be home on time etc........
Re-build your life with positive things that don't depend on his involvement. Hopefully, he'll feel left out, and want to join the sober life with you. If not, you'll have a joyous, peaceful life of your own.
The pattern you're in won't lead to joy.
His drinking has nothing to do with you or your family. It's normal to take it personally. But, he's not doing it to destroy your life. He's doing it to destroy his. You will ALWAYS have zero impact on whether he drinks, when he drinks. Accept that fact.
Already, you, your son, his boss, are altering your lives to work around his problem. It's HIS problem, not all of yours.
Part of why you are going in circles and wasting energy on this situation, is that you haven't really accepted how pointless your efforts are.
Touching and messing with his bottles only makes it worse. You get yourself all worked up emotionally, and give him evidence to prove what a meddling witch you are.
Detaching, to me, means training yourself to stop expecting anything from them. Stop expecting them to act responsibly, stop expecting them to be sober, stop expecting them to be available to you emotionally, stop expecting them to be home on time etc........
Re-build your life with positive things that don't depend on his involvement. Hopefully, he'll feel left out, and want to join the sober life with you. If not, you'll have a joyous, peaceful life of your own.
The pattern you're in won't lead to joy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
(((((((hugs)))))))
Elsede,
***Right now I feel nothing. No pain, no anger no sadness, nothing. ****
(((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you~~~I understand how painful it is when you reach this point.....total numbness.
I felt the same thing six months ago, after the alcohol-related incident that pushed me to the edge. I've always had the temporary numbness of disbelief and sorrow, but this time it stuck. I'm still numb.
During the last several years, I did detach from his drinking. I stopped searching and hunting for the bottles and other pieces of evidence that I felt I needed in order to prove that I wasn't crazy. Then when each crisis would occur, it would be like a huge bomb just dropped on me from out of nowhere. This most recent "bomb" was the one that forced me to make a drastic change in my life.
I am working on my recovery~~~~and I'm stronger, but I'm fighting to forgive myself, as Pauline has pointed out to me in another post, for tolerating his non-physcial *abusive* behaviors that occured again and again during the past 22 years we've been together. I've built such a wall around me now~~~so fearful of enduring any more pain. I believe I need this wall around me now while I work to change my patterns of behavior~~my distorted thought process, my tolerance for unacceptable behavior.
We all know that alcoholism is a progressive illness, for both the A and us co-dependents.
He is sober and active in recovery now. I'm grateful for that. We remain separated and have recently begun some joint counseling sessions, after months of individual counseling. I'm feeling good about the steps I've taken to get healthy on the inside and pray for peace and good judgement in the decisions I make each day.
Take care of yourself, Elsede, each day. Once I began to focus my attention on me, he made the decision to stop drinking, get active with AA and sought out a sponsor.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.....
S
***Right now I feel nothing. No pain, no anger no sadness, nothing. ****
(((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you~~~I understand how painful it is when you reach this point.....total numbness.
I felt the same thing six months ago, after the alcohol-related incident that pushed me to the edge. I've always had the temporary numbness of disbelief and sorrow, but this time it stuck. I'm still numb.
During the last several years, I did detach from his drinking. I stopped searching and hunting for the bottles and other pieces of evidence that I felt I needed in order to prove that I wasn't crazy. Then when each crisis would occur, it would be like a huge bomb just dropped on me from out of nowhere. This most recent "bomb" was the one that forced me to make a drastic change in my life.
I am working on my recovery~~~~and I'm stronger, but I'm fighting to forgive myself, as Pauline has pointed out to me in another post, for tolerating his non-physcial *abusive* behaviors that occured again and again during the past 22 years we've been together. I've built such a wall around me now~~~so fearful of enduring any more pain. I believe I need this wall around me now while I work to change my patterns of behavior~~my distorted thought process, my tolerance for unacceptable behavior.
We all know that alcoholism is a progressive illness, for both the A and us co-dependents.
He is sober and active in recovery now. I'm grateful for that. We remain separated and have recently begun some joint counseling sessions, after months of individual counseling. I'm feeling good about the steps I've taken to get healthy on the inside and pray for peace and good judgement in the decisions I make each day.
Take care of yourself, Elsede, each day. Once I began to focus my attention on me, he made the decision to stop drinking, get active with AA and sought out a sponsor.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.....
S
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