Update
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Update
The AW comes home Saturday afternoon. She immediately gets aggravated by the daughter, and we go out for lunch. She gets wine with her lunch, and we eat lunch, go to Lowe's to get some house things, and go home. She asks, I don't have any wine at all, do I. I say, you've been doing so well with reducing the withdrawal effects with 2 beers, just get a six pack.
She sits and twitches for about 20 minutes, then goes to the store and buys a six pack of beer, and 6 ! bottles of wine.
We unload, and she starts drinking. One of the things said by her is: "I can't be controlled. I know that drinking too much is bad thing, but I like my wine and I have to control it. Forcing me to be whatever you or E wants, isn't going to work. I'm my own person". To which I respond: "What happens if the counselor says you have to quit?". She says: " I haven't heard it from the counselor yet". At that point I said ok. She continues to drink until she passes out on the couch at 9:30.
The next day is rainy, and we're stuck inside the house. The daughter has to work at 2:00 PM, and the wife starts drinking at 2:05 PM and starts playing video games. There's an undercurrent of hostility in her, but I avoid any crisis. By the time the daughter gets back from work at 6:45, the AW is totally blotto. She ends up passing out on the couch at 7:30 PM.
This morning, she apologizes, and promises to contact the counselor today.
We'll see.
Redd
She sits and twitches for about 20 minutes, then goes to the store and buys a six pack of beer, and 6 ! bottles of wine.
We unload, and she starts drinking. One of the things said by her is: "I can't be controlled. I know that drinking too much is bad thing, but I like my wine and I have to control it. Forcing me to be whatever you or E wants, isn't going to work. I'm my own person". To which I respond: "What happens if the counselor says you have to quit?". She says: " I haven't heard it from the counselor yet". At that point I said ok. She continues to drink until she passes out on the couch at 9:30.
The next day is rainy, and we're stuck inside the house. The daughter has to work at 2:00 PM, and the wife starts drinking at 2:05 PM and starts playing video games. There's an undercurrent of hostility in her, but I avoid any crisis. By the time the daughter gets back from work at 6:45, the AW is totally blotto. She ends up passing out on the couch at 7:30 PM.
This morning, she apologizes, and promises to contact the counselor today.
We'll see.
Redd
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Redd,
As much as you want to, you cannot make her sober. Her daughter cannot make her sober, the counselor cannot make her sober. I once got my husband to quit for four months with an ultimatum. Those four months were miserable. He resented me the whole time for "controlling" him. Until she sees it as a big enough problem that she wants to change, she will continue this dance with you.
You don't have to continue to dance. You can sit it out. How about you come up with some boundaries to protect yourself from the craziness?
L
As much as you want to, you cannot make her sober. Her daughter cannot make her sober, the counselor cannot make her sober. I once got my husband to quit for four months with an ultimatum. Those four months were miserable. He resented me the whole time for "controlling" him. Until she sees it as a big enough problem that she wants to change, she will continue this dance with you.
You don't have to continue to dance. You can sit it out. How about you come up with some boundaries to protect yourself from the craziness?
L
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I doubt you will have much success trying to control her or her drinking. Saying just the right thing, saying it just the right way at just the right time, controlling the amount in the house, appealing to her reason or manipulating by guilt...... nothing worked for me.
All I could do was set boundaries and stick to them.
All I could do was set boundaries and stick to them.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Hey, Red, your weekend sounds pretty dismal. I'm so sorry. I'm living in kind of a limbo land right now, which is a situation I put myself into by allowing my AP to have the summer before she's expected to stop drinking. Lots of guilt on my part that gave her this much time, but that's another story.
Meanwhile, as I wait out the summer, I'm trying not to just tread water. I'd like to suggest the same thing for you. Try not to let your life revolve around your AW. From your posts, I often get the feeling that you tend to let her run the show, affecting your mood and your activities. Can you think of some steps you can take that would put you more in charge? Like, if she drinks she can't accompany you to a planned activity? Of, if she's drinking you're going to go somewhere else? Just a thought.
Meanwhile, as I wait out the summer, I'm trying not to just tread water. I'd like to suggest the same thing for you. Try not to let your life revolve around your AW. From your posts, I often get the feeling that you tend to let her run the show, affecting your mood and your activities. Can you think of some steps you can take that would put you more in charge? Like, if she drinks she can't accompany you to a planned activity? Of, if she's drinking you're going to go somewhere else? Just a thought.
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I know I'm BSing myself to a certain extent. What I need to do is take care of the dog, get the dog to a safe home, so I'm not scared of what she might do.
One of the things I have done, is contact an attorney to get some questions answered.
I need to contact two more, and then see which of them is a fit for me. I'm going to do that today, or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow as the AW is traveling.
Letting her run the show is correct. I have absolutely nothing to do besides work, and watch TV as my social center is where I work. Everyone knows how well that works, when you have an inquisitive A bugging you.
I gotta get some spine....
One of the things I have done, is contact an attorney to get some questions answered.
I need to contact two more, and then see which of them is a fit for me. I'm going to do that today, or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow as the AW is traveling.
Letting her run the show is correct. I have absolutely nothing to do besides work, and watch TV as my social center is where I work. Everyone knows how well that works, when you have an inquisitive A bugging you.
I gotta get some spine....
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Red, I hear you. One thing I've been doing, which may be a head-in-the-sand approach, is to work on Saturdays. I let myself sleep in, then hop on the bus and go to work just like any other day. Once I'm in the area of town where my office is located, 45 minutes from home, I go out for breakfast, read a book, and then go to work and mostly surf online. I spend a great deal of time on Saturdays reading old posts on the SR board and doing things like looking at apartments for rent, writing myself letters, and just generally spending the day taking care of myself. It gets me out of the house and avoids any conversation with my partner that might cause more drama. When I get back home, I feel energized and relaxed, take the dog for a long walk, and go to bed early.
Which leads me to an observation I made this weekend. We have a little Jack Russell terrier, who follows me around the house, waits outside the bathroom door, and generally doesn't let me out of her sight. Her biggest motivation for watching me so closely is that she doesn't want to get left behind should I get the notion to go for a walk. She's so anxious about it that it's actually pitiful. Then, as soon as she has that collar and leash around her neck, the anxiety completely dissolves and she puts all her energy into enjoying her walk. And that's a considerable amount of energy in a little 15-pound body!
It makes me think of my partner, who is starting to behave in a similar fashion. The more I detach myself, the more anxious she gets. Follows me around the house, trying to be lovey-dovey, and inquiring about my well-being. As soon as I show her the smallest kindness, like returning a hug or sitting with her for a few minutes, she goes right back to drinking her beer or wine, smiling and feeling all good about herself. Don't know if this makes sense, but I know there's a very small brain inside the head of our little dog. What does that say about my partner? Dunno.
Which leads me to an observation I made this weekend. We have a little Jack Russell terrier, who follows me around the house, waits outside the bathroom door, and generally doesn't let me out of her sight. Her biggest motivation for watching me so closely is that she doesn't want to get left behind should I get the notion to go for a walk. She's so anxious about it that it's actually pitiful. Then, as soon as she has that collar and leash around her neck, the anxiety completely dissolves and she puts all her energy into enjoying her walk. And that's a considerable amount of energy in a little 15-pound body!
It makes me think of my partner, who is starting to behave in a similar fashion. The more I detach myself, the more anxious she gets. Follows me around the house, trying to be lovey-dovey, and inquiring about my well-being. As soon as I show her the smallest kindness, like returning a hug or sitting with her for a few minutes, she goes right back to drinking her beer or wine, smiling and feeling all good about herself. Don't know if this makes sense, but I know there's a very small brain inside the head of our little dog. What does that say about my partner? Dunno.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Decided to add a little to my Jack Russell terrier analogy:
My dog's behavior also reminds me quite a bit of my own. I get all sad and depressed when my partner drinks and does stupid things, and then, over and over, I get all happy when a calm period goes by, or she makes some kind of attempt at sobriety. And I know I have a bigger brain than my dog! Sheesh! What does that say about me?
My dog's behavior also reminds me quite a bit of my own. I get all sad and depressed when my partner drinks and does stupid things, and then, over and over, I get all happy when a calm period goes by, or she makes some kind of attempt at sobriety. And I know I have a bigger brain than my dog! Sheesh! What does that say about me?
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I know.... Its so weird how a sick person can twist you to their own ends. I don't know why or how this has happened. Help me, help me.... but I can't do it for her. <shakes head> and she won't do it for herself.
Redd
Redd
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Originally Posted by Reddmax 
Now I have 2 1/2 weeks to wait and work to protect myself if it goes wrong.
I've said it many times before on this board, you do NOT own her addiction. She owns it. And she's making that crystal clear to you. She will drink as much as she wants, as often as she wants, and when she wants. It's her business.
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I have gone to al-anon meetings. I do know about boundaries. That is why I'm doing the attorney thing. Any lesser boundaries get blown away like a pile of sugar when dealing with her.
I really don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face by leaving too early, so to speak. There are legal ramifications to doing all of this. Thus, the attorneys. I hate attorneys, by the way.
I don't want my dog hurt. I don't want my stuff trashed, and I don't want to get hit with a nuisance PPO.
That's what I'm working for.
Redd
I really don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face by leaving too early, so to speak. There are legal ramifications to doing all of this. Thus, the attorneys. I hate attorneys, by the way.
I don't want my dog hurt. I don't want my stuff trashed, and I don't want to get hit with a nuisance PPO.
That's what I'm working for.
Redd
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
Well,,,, surprise, surprise. She made a counseling appt. for Aug. 11. Now I have 2 1/2 weeks to wait and work to protect myself if it goes wrong.
Redd
Redd
Don't wait to see if she is going to follow through, if she REALLY wanted help she could get it today.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
Any lesser boundaries get blown away like a pile of sugar when dealing with her.
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Reddmax:
The thing that strikes me most about your OP is the fact that It is ALL about HER!
Is that really the perspective from which you see everything in your life -- through the muddy alcoholic filter of HER? That strikes me as very hard and confusing...kinda like trying to find your way around the universe with a map from the dark ages that puts the earth in the center of it all.
I wonder what might happen and how much clarity you might be able to gain by putting yourself in the center of your life and looking at things directly through your own "eyes," without that distorting filter? I mean, if you had to tell us about your weekend from the perspective of you-in-the-center-of-your-life, what would that "sound" like? I, for one, would be really interested in "hearing" that.
freya
The thing that strikes me most about your OP is the fact that It is ALL about HER!
Is that really the perspective from which you see everything in your life -- through the muddy alcoholic filter of HER? That strikes me as very hard and confusing...kinda like trying to find your way around the universe with a map from the dark ages that puts the earth in the center of it all.
I wonder what might happen and how much clarity you might be able to gain by putting yourself in the center of your life and looking at things directly through your own "eyes," without that distorting filter? I mean, if you had to tell us about your weekend from the perspective of you-in-the-center-of-your-life, what would that "sound" like? I, for one, would be really interested in "hearing" that.
freya
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All of you have a point. I would love to put things in my perspective and look at things without the haze. The problem I have is that she's dangerous, unpredictable, and can be quite psychotic at times.
Last night, she blames me for the adult children's attitudes regarding her drinking. I was the most evil thing on earth.
This is ridiculous. Does anyone know a thread regarding how to find a good attorney?
Last night, she blames me for the adult children's attitudes regarding her drinking. I was the most evil thing on earth.
This is ridiculous. Does anyone know a thread regarding how to find a good attorney?
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Attorneys are just like everyone else, some are good some are not. You can interview several and don't have to use the first one you talk to. They will differ in aggressiveness too. Some want to file this motion and that motion, take off the gloves and hunker down for a nasty fight. The lawyers are the only winners and they are insented to drag things out. Don't use your lawyer like a therapist and talk about your troubles at $350 an hour, they'll listen all day long. Write down questions before hand and make the billable meetings brief and to the point. You hire a lawyer to advise and represent your interests, don't let the lawyers take charge.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
Does anyone know a thread regarding how to find a good attorney?
Interesting reading: Michigan Men's Divorce Attorneys • Adam Law Firm
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