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frusterated

Old 07-20-2008, 12:12 PM
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frusterated

hey i have been having a really tough time finding somebody to talk to about my recent relapse with crystal meth. they all give phone numbers to call and im not ready to talk to someone over the phone. I prefer an email or chat contact that i can talk to when i need to. well here is my story quick.


I grew up in the country outside of a small town with my mom and my stepfather since the age of two. I never met my father until i was sixteen and wanted to go and meet him i knew that the reason my mom divorced him was because he would give up doing meth. he put her through a terrible time and im proud of her for leaving him. anyways i was a bit of a rebellious kid growing up and moved out of the house when i was 16 years old. I moved in with some of my older friends that lived accross from the college. "drug traffic central" i was a very outgoing and friendly kid so it didnt take me long to get hooked up with a dealer for crystal meth we called it "glass" or "shards" to make some money since i didnt have a car and was hard getting a good paying job at the age of 16. Not long after that i decided to try meth once to see what all the hype was about and that is when my world got turned upside down. I began using heavy the very next few weeks the feeling at first was awesome. not long after i started using every day i had my old "dealer" after me for money. I lost alot of my friends because i would frequently bail on them to get high. I didnt have a stable place to stay. I could always have gone back to my mom but i couldnt stand the honest truth of how sad and worried it made her that i was using. i stayed with my girlfriend when i needed to up until i was eighteen and she broke up with me. thank god i still love her to death but she was better off without me i was dragging her down. but of course you couldnt tell me that at that time i was on the high road in life and didnt care about anything else. not long after that i realized how my life had fallen apart i had nothing and the one thing that mattered the most left me. I was alone with nothing but meth to keep me company. you may not believe this but i will leave that up to you. I went from using over 1 gram a day i was 6 1 and 90lbs. but thats not what woke me up. yes i was young but my girlfriends companionship meant more to me than i realized at the time. she meant the world to me even though you couldnt tell by the way i treated her when i was on meth. Thats the thing a regret most in my life if there was any way to take that back i would in a heartbeat. she married and has kids now and i just cant get past the fact is that could have been me. now for the unbelievable part. after using from mid 16 to 18 that feeling of loneliness was so back i took the eightball i had of meth and flushed it down the toilet it made me sick to even look at it or think about it. I crashed out for about 5 days. (I would stay up for 2 weeks without sleep except mabey and hour on a regular basis) and a miracle happened I woke up thought about doing a line cuz it was habitual by this time. and poof the thought disapeared i had no intentions of using again. After i put back on my weight and got back into the normal life i was never the same. here i was an outgoing kid usually the life of the conversations and now i was afraid to go into public! wondering if people are talking about me. just weird thoughts went through my head. needless to say though i stayed clean for three years on my own no help from nobody cold turkey even and now three years later i am 6 1 190lbs healthy for the most part. and what do i do try meth again. jees pretty smart huh. after all i went through i decide to play russian roulette with the devil again. what actually got me to try it again is due to my social anxiety and depression that i now have and im sure it was from meth use. In the last three years i havent made that many friends im no longer the outgoing happy go lucky kind of person. i completly cut myself off from everything except my family. and i ran into some old friends and low and behold there still using. I could tell by the kind of car they drove and lack of permanant residence but when the pulled out a jibb ( pipe used for smoking meth) i didnt even hesitate.and im not going to lie after three years of being sober the feeling was euphoric it was like my first time being high all over again. DANGEROUS. that was three weeks ago since then i have lost 15 pounds im not using everday only weekends but thats horrible i see myself spiraling down all over again the problem is i dont have the willpower to stay home on the weekends its really depressing all i did for the past three years is work and sit in solitude for the most part. also in the past three years i was never late on a single bill now this last friday i didnt have the money to pay my car payment. its already starting and that was only three weeks ago that i tried that stupid crap again. it sounds like an oxy moron if you hate it so much it doesnt make sense that your using again. dont worry i think the same thing. but basically im just looking for someone to talk to I will get through this one way or another. but i dont think its going to be as easy as last time. last time I lost the one person that was there for me regardless of anything. she was even there for me to give me the strength to quit the first time she just doesnt know it. well ive rambled on enouph now it will surprise me if you read this whole email. but it felt good to get it off my chest regardless. thanx for your time


sincerely
METH ADDICT

Last edited by Anna; 07-20-2008 at 01:55 PM.
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Old 07-20-2008, 01:58 PM
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Welcome Nibaini!

I'm glad you found us and you'll find lots of support here.

I removed your email address from your post, because it is unsafe to post it, but I know you will find people here who understand you.
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Old 07-20-2008, 02:13 PM
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Please use paragraphs, this is very difficult to read.

I hope you are doing ok.
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Old 07-20-2008, 02:57 PM
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Thanx guys wow didnt expect such a quick response.
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Old 07-20-2008, 03:55 PM
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Hi Nibaini,
I did read your whole message above. I have been in and out of recovery over the years and think you are right that it does get harder each time to get through it. On the other hand, the stuff that you have learnt in the past will still be with you so you have more tools now.

There were many times when i was reading your message when i thought that you put into words things that i have never been able to verbalise. Thanks for sharing your story.

Warm wishes and Welcome,
Evanna.
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