Am I Being A Fool, or Not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Am I Being A Fool, or Not?
Hey folks--
Regular readers of this board may recognize me from some previous posts where I discussed finally being ready to divorce my AH. I'm not going to rehash previous posts, but a new twist has developed that I'd like some advice on. I think I've already decided what I'd like to do, and I'm curious to get people's thoughts on it. In the last few days, my AH has quit drinking and gone back to a few meetings. He has also requested that I not file for divorce, but legal separation instead. He says that he will help me work out a future parenting plan and division of assets that we can make binding in the event of a future filing, and can even stipulate in the legal separation what actions he needs to take for reconciliation to be possible. These actions would be: continued sobriety, regular AA meetings and getting a sponsor, steady employment, and counseling. He would like me to do this rather than divorce right away so he can continue to be on my health insurance (which he has said he'll pay the premium for if he doesn't find employment with health insurance) and so he has hope that our family can be together again if he does get on the road to recovery. He would live at his sisters during this time, but want to see our child a few times a week.
Honestly, this all sounds good to me. I've never, ever wanted to get in the way of his recovery (and I know that's not really possible; that he has to recover for him--but I also know that sometimes the amount of support and hope you perceive yourself to have does play a role in your motivation to get and stay sober) and I feel like with this option I get the best of both worlds--I get to hold him accountable for his actions, because with this paperwork already filed it would be a lot simpler to get a future divorce, yet for the time being I get to be somewhat hopeful that maybe he really will choose recovery. I guess my downside/fears are that this is just going to prolong a process that could be ended swiftly, if painfully, now (because I'm not stupid enough to not know that chances are high that this too will be a "false start"), and that my friends and family are all going to think I'm a fool for not just jumping into divorce. I have told him that this is definitely an option I'm considering, but that if we do it, we'll do it exactly as he said and obtain an actual, LEGAL, separation, not just a ******** verbal separation. If I'm going to give him this last chance I'd at least like to know that it will end up making a divorce proceeding that very well may still be down the road a little smoother, not to mention less costly.
Any/all thoughts will be appreciated.
Regular readers of this board may recognize me from some previous posts where I discussed finally being ready to divorce my AH. I'm not going to rehash previous posts, but a new twist has developed that I'd like some advice on. I think I've already decided what I'd like to do, and I'm curious to get people's thoughts on it. In the last few days, my AH has quit drinking and gone back to a few meetings. He has also requested that I not file for divorce, but legal separation instead. He says that he will help me work out a future parenting plan and division of assets that we can make binding in the event of a future filing, and can even stipulate in the legal separation what actions he needs to take for reconciliation to be possible. These actions would be: continued sobriety, regular AA meetings and getting a sponsor, steady employment, and counseling. He would like me to do this rather than divorce right away so he can continue to be on my health insurance (which he has said he'll pay the premium for if he doesn't find employment with health insurance) and so he has hope that our family can be together again if he does get on the road to recovery. He would live at his sisters during this time, but want to see our child a few times a week.
Honestly, this all sounds good to me. I've never, ever wanted to get in the way of his recovery (and I know that's not really possible; that he has to recover for him--but I also know that sometimes the amount of support and hope you perceive yourself to have does play a role in your motivation to get and stay sober) and I feel like with this option I get the best of both worlds--I get to hold him accountable for his actions, because with this paperwork already filed it would be a lot simpler to get a future divorce, yet for the time being I get to be somewhat hopeful that maybe he really will choose recovery. I guess my downside/fears are that this is just going to prolong a process that could be ended swiftly, if painfully, now (because I'm not stupid enough to not know that chances are high that this too will be a "false start"), and that my friends and family are all going to think I'm a fool for not just jumping into divorce. I have told him that this is definitely an option I'm considering, but that if we do it, we'll do it exactly as he said and obtain an actual, LEGAL, separation, not just a ******** verbal separation. If I'm going to give him this last chance I'd at least like to know that it will end up making a divorce proceeding that very well may still be down the road a little smoother, not to mention less costly.
Any/all thoughts will be appreciated.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Domestic laws vary from State to State but in VA two parties can put in writing what ever you agree to. Who assumes what debts, who covers who on medical, who pays for the coverage, who takes the CD collection, who takes the dog, what ever...A separation agreement is then incorporated into a final divorce decree after filing for divorce. In VA you can file for divorce after being separated for one year if you have minor children or six months if you do not have minor children.
So... talk to a lawyer and learn about the domestic laws of your state, agree to what ever you feel comfortable with, get it in writing, and move forward with what ever plans you're comfortable with.
As far as the future goes you have lots of options, you could never file for divorce and tear up the separation agreement, you could get divorced, you could move on with your life, you could date him if gets sober, you could remarry. You could become a monk, you could join Green Peace, etc...
My first wife wanted a trial separation without a legal separation agreement and I insisted on a legal separation. All that means is we had a signed and notarized separation agreement before she moved out. I did this to protect myself financially and it turned out to be a good idea. A really, REALLY good idea.
So... talk to a lawyer and learn about the domestic laws of your state, agree to what ever you feel comfortable with, get it in writing, and move forward with what ever plans you're comfortable with.
As far as the future goes you have lots of options, you could never file for divorce and tear up the separation agreement, you could get divorced, you could move on with your life, you could date him if gets sober, you could remarry. You could become a monk, you could join Green Peace, etc...
My first wife wanted a trial separation without a legal separation agreement and I insisted on a legal separation. All that means is we had a signed and notarized separation agreement before she moved out. I did this to protect myself financially and it turned out to be a good idea. A really, REALLY good idea.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
It sounds like he has hope for recovery. If you are still in love with your husband and you want to make it work, try this last option - give him this LAST chance to work a recovery program and become the husband, father and man he promised to be when you married.
If it does not work and he goes back to his old ways - then at least you already have the process started with the legal separation and then you can proceed with the divorce.
MY AH has been taking Campral along with his counseling and he seems to be doing much better then ever before. They have to want it - and it just may scare your AH straigt if you file for the legal separation.
During this time he is out of the house - take time to heal your heart and your self along with your child. You need to take care of you and the child.
Let him see you are strong and ready for change for the better.
I wish you luck and keep us posted.
If it does not work and he goes back to his old ways - then at least you already have the process started with the legal separation and then you can proceed with the divorce.
MY AH has been taking Campral along with his counseling and he seems to be doing much better then ever before. They have to want it - and it just may scare your AH straigt if you file for the legal separation.
During this time he is out of the house - take time to heal your heart and your self along with your child. You need to take care of you and the child.
Let him see you are strong and ready for change for the better.
I wish you luck and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Beside whatever legal requirements for a legal separation period before you can file for divorce, there is not reason to rush into it if you don't want to. Get a separation agreement that spells out everything you need specified. Separate. You can stay separated as long as you want. Or decide to file for divorce when you are ready. Unless there is some reason to move quickly, take your time until you are sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Get your own attorney and get EVERYTHING in writing. I would also give him a time frame to sign the agreement (say 7 days). My STBX would be agreeable one day (or hour, minute) and uncooperative the next. Do not agree to anything you feel uncomfortable with.
Keep in mind that being seperated is NOT the same as divorced, staying married to him could work against you financially (he may be trying to buy time for something else besides recovery).
Keep in mind that being seperated is NOT the same as divorced, staying married to him could work against you financially (he may be trying to buy time for something else besides recovery).
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