rivka

We all friends at work .......me (a non A), my stbxABF who is in rehab), a female RA (7 yrs clean) and a (non A) guy.
My ABF confides in the RA and she visited him in rehab. I am still not supposed to know he's there (and he told her not to tell me).
Now today I learn that my ABF told the RA to let our guy friend know he's in rehab b/c he "gets it" now that he is supposed to hang with MEN in recovery, and he told the RA that he trusts this guy.
Well why doesn't he trust ME enough to let me know WTF he's doing and where he is? I've nursed his stupid ass back from several rough drug situations (before I found the SR codie patrol) and kept lots of emotionally personal stuff we shared private.
This rejection is BS. How can he not trust me or not care enough to let me know and want my support??? So hurt. I know its his disease to manage, but why would he do this???

SistersHelp

rivka,
If there's anything I'm learning through trying to support a loved-but-addicted person, it's that you can't expect them to make sense. When I try to guess what my sister is going to, I always think, "Okay, she's going to do A, B, or C...." and then when it comes down to the wire, she does Z.
Addiction isn't rational and if you expect rational behaviour you're always going to be surprised - and hurt. For now, my own emotional health depends upon me keeping a certain amount of distance and not choosing to get emotionally invested in my sister's decisions... no short order, I know! But try not to take irrational behaviour on the part of an addict personally, because it's not about you. It's about the addiction.
((rivka))

Chino

Do you think you're owed consideration and communication from him?

lightseeker

I'm sorry that you are hurting. It sounds like you want to be supportive but that he is not in a place where he feels that that is best for his recovery. Please try not to let this give you messages about yourself - it's about him and his needs and not anything that you are or are not.

I am a little confused about your relationship. For some reason, I thought from your earlier posts that even before he went to rehab that he had said that he wanted a friendship and not a romantic relationship (I think this was after one time that you had helped him when he was detoxing?). I think that I've gotten confused somewhere. I do know that addiction, recovery, and all that that involves is a huge relationship changer. If the person that you fall in love with is in active addiction - they are a different person in sobriety. They do not have the tools in place yet to actually handle life on life's terms without a drink/drug. That is why it is a selfish program and those in recovery are urged to have a sponsor and to stick to the winners that are in recovery. It really doesn't leave much room for anything else for a long while. My RAH has 3 years now and his 1st year was all about him. I have been sober now for 2 years and I feel that I am just now beginning to truly figure out who I am.

There is no way to know why he is thinking anything or doing anything. You can't change anything but yourself. You may never know the answers to your questions about him but you can decide how much space that it going to rent in your head. It sounds like he is doing what he needs to take care of himself. I've found that there is no use trying to be supportive of people that aren't interested in my support. When I step back from situations like the one that you are in I've come to realize that it is actually God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. People in early recovery have to concentrate on themselves - usually that means that they don't have the emotional ability to do anything but that.

Hope that you are doing some good things to take care of yourself.

rivka

Chino-
Yes, I believe I should be afforded at least the same consideration paid to this other friend who has not even been as close as I have and hasn't known him as long.....OR afforded the same consideration he gives to the recovering gal who is his rehab sounding board, and shares things with him. This is selective rejection....he no longer is saying "I don't want to talk to anyone"....he has omitted me and let in the others. THAT'S what hurts.
Rivka

outtolunch

All rejection is selective.

As the book says, "he's just not that into you". Can you move on, heal yourself?

Chino

"An expectation is a premeditated resentment"

I hope you find a way to heal.