TheQuixotian

If love is supposed to be the most powerful gift we have?

Someone please, especially any alcoholics on this forum, explain to me why love isn't enough to help/save them?

Q

londonvanpelt

My belief is that we do not love ourselves enough and when you don't love yourself enough you will accept dysfunction and abuse. Love has to begin with the self, such as self-respect, self-esteem, self-love. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I learned some very unhealthy skills. I had no boundaries, low self-esteem, and poor coping skills. I recently attended an Alanon meeting and discovered that we too have a child that acts out when dealing with alcoholics. Our child was attracted to their child. We have to reparent ourselves to become whole and mature, then we will find a relationship that is healthy. I know I cannot get into another relationship until I have healed enough fromt he past. I kept trying to get the love my alcoholic father was incapable of giving me by repeating an alcoholic/codependent relationship. We let our inner child run our lives and our lives will continue to show the affects of this. e.g. - There was a woman at my job who was like I was before my 3 yrs of recovery. She answered the phones at work. If someone in the office didn't answer the phone she would call all over the office searching for the person. She would get extremely angry because she couldn't find the person. Because of my recovery I was able to see that just telling the client that the person was not in their office and they could leave a message was good enough. From growing up in an alcoholic home I felt responsible for everything and those behaviors were very unhealthy. I hope this makes sense to you. It all begins with us.

Bernadette

Love is enough.
You must love yourself enough to work on and help yourself grow.
If you're trying to fix someone else or help someone else that's not love, that's "fixing" and "helping." Maybe motivated by love but those behaviors actually are NOT love in action.

Also, respect the addiction. Alcohlism is a very very powerful addiction. The alcoholic has actually physically altered the shape and function of their neurons in their brain.

Love cannot stop hurricanes or earthquakes, look at it like that. You're dealing with THE EFFECTS of a very powerful force. Only the alcoholic can figure out what is "enough" and save themselves.

Peace,
B.

freya

It isn't enough to save them because you cannot -- and do not have the right to -- force anyone to accept a gift no matter how wonderful it is or how much you want to give it to them.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting and heard people share about the issues of self-esteem, self-loathing, shame, guilt etc....???? Although many alcoholics act like "they're all that," the truth is that the are filled with guilt and self-loathing. No one who is in that place can possibly be in the position to accept the greatest, most powerful gift of all....and no one who is in that place can possibly be able to give the same gift in return.

Also, since you seem to realize that your gift of love is the most precious, powerful, and valuable gift you have to give, perhaps you need to concentrate on being very careful about how, when, and under what conditions you share it with those who are not in the position to accept it and value it as it -- and you -- deserve to be valued.

freya

starflier

Thank you, Freya, more than words can say for the wisdom you have put into your post. I have devoted my day today to understanding what I want, and to understanding this larger question of "Why isn't love enough?"

Love is enough. My love for the alcoholic in my life is not enough to change her. My love for myself, on the other hand, is enough to change myself. I'm attempting to understand, on a more philosophical level, what I'm looking for, what I want. It's not enough for me to say, "I want a calm life." Or, "I want freedom from financial worries." Or even, "I want to love myself." I want to understand, at a much deeper level, what I'm really seeking. Here is my first stab:

I want to find peace in my soul. I want to understand how to put the incidents in my life into a reasonable perspective. How did I get to this place in my life and how do I make peace with it? I want to like me, every little corner of me. Not just introspection, but a complete self-actualization. Not just reacting, but conscious action. Not just letting life happen to me, but I really want to start happening to my life. Bring the disowned unconscious into the accepting light of consciousness. I want to start understanding and owning my own thoughts and feelings. “I am who now feels this, and in so feeling recognize and become myself.” So that I can recognize and value the understanding, such as not only saying “This makes me angry” but instead “I feel this as something worth getting angry about and, in acknowledging my anger, I recognize and stand up for the personal sense of values that my anger embodies.” I want to find peace in my soul.

TheQuixotian

Thanks for the responses. I understand what you are saying about not being able to change or 'fix" persons who do not want to fix themselves. I also understand the inability to make a person love themselves.

I cannot agree though that while a person may not truly love themselves that that makes them incapable of loving others. I can understand that the active addict is not capable of love because the centre of his world at that point is his or her substance.

My loved one pre the addiction and when sober thereafter showed and gave love to others with words, thoughts and actions. Quite frankly he was more accepting and unconditional in his love of others than I think many of us were of him.

Low self-esteem and guilt are not particular to addicts, but whoever suffers from it I believe can truly love others but again I guess it once again comes back to being able to love yourself and to how do you make somehow truly understand how loved and special they are. I suppose though, if we knew the answer to that, then addiction, and a lot of other unpleasant experiences for that matter, would be a thing of the past.