Mambo Queen

I consulted two lawyers today about divorcing my AH. I ultimately decided to just stick with the lawyer I consulted last summer. I was just so hoping that there might be a somewhat, not easy, but not incredibly painful and protracted way to end my marriage, but unfortunately, after talking to my STBXAH, I've realized that's not going to be the case. Now he's telling me he wants JOINT custody of our daughter. This is an alcoholic who refuses to work because every job is beneath him; who's been calling me every day to drive him to get beer because he doesn't feel like he can drive, and who has literally no place but the street to go when we divorce (I have NOT come over and fulfilled his "drive me to the beer" request, by the way). I don't want the father of my daughter on the streets, and he knows this and is using every excuse he can think of to tell me how pitiful and uncapable of employment he is. Also telling me that if I just would have agreed to him quitting his last job, in retail, he would have gotten sober and we could have "worked on a plan for his future" together (he quit the job anyway, which ended up being my final straw). I just feel sad, scared, angry, sometimes even guilty, especially the more he tells me how this is all my fault because I derailed him getting a good career by continually insisting he just work any job he could get--he didn't really ever do that for more than a few months at a time, by the way. I know I'm rambling, I'm just in pain. Trying to be strong for me and my daughter, but it's hard. I haven't gotten to the place yet where he doesn't get to me.

Can anyone who has been through a painful divorce with an AH who was purposefully trying to make things difficult, let me know what I can expect?

Barbara52

I know this is very painful for you. You can help yourself, and your AH BTW, by learning how to detach more fully and letting him be responsible for himself and his choices. It sounds like you are still trying to take on his problems as yours. You in no way caused him to choose to drink, you cannot save him from himself. That is what it sounds like you want to do.

As I've shared before, my now xAH has been unemployed for 3 yrs now. He also refuses to take a job that is "beneath him." He is going to be homeless 3 weeks from today and still he will not go out and find a job, any old job to support himself. There is no understanding his behavior. It is irrational. I truly hate knowing that he will have no where to go and no where to put his "stuff." But only he can choose to fix his situation. No one has the power to say him other than himself.

I say this only to poit out that your AH sounds very similar to my xAH. You are not responsible for your AH any more than I am responsible for my xAH. You cannot save your AH any more than I can save my xAH.

It is time to start letting go and trusting God to deal with your AH as He wants to. It is time for you to think of yourself and your daughter first. As long as you allow yourself to be sucked in and manipulated by him, you are holding yourself back. And you are stopping your AH from feeling the consequences of his choices. THat does him no favors either.

I've never been through a messy divorce. Both of mine (Lord do I hate that I have now been divorced twice!) were civil and without major difficulties. My best advice is to hire that attorney and let the attorney deal with your AH. That is what you pay them for. And it will keep the direct manipulation to a minimum, letting you keep your distance as much as possible.

Spiritual Seeker

He's quacking...blah blah blah to manipulate the guilty feelings. Inability to take responsibility is part of his problem.
Perhaps for now you can keep the communication limited to discussing only your daughter as necessary.

You deserve the life you want. This is the beginning of making change happen.
Know that you are capable of this change no matter your fear of it.

Get to some al-anon mtgs. to remember where your focus will be beneficial.

Talk openly with your daughter to help her through this difficult time. The two of you
need ea. other more than ever.

This too shall pass. Don't get taken advantage of by your
divorce lawyer. I can tell you from experience that they can and will over charge and run their bill through the roof.

Cynay

Im sorry your having such a hard time with all of this hon....

My ex AH use to keep me twisted in knots with what he was going to do, what could have been, how it should/could have been, conviencing me that I was wrong in how it had been.... Holy cow.... that man kept me so twisted in things that were not happening I felt frozen at times not knowing what to do... and trust me that is almost impossible to do.

What worked for me is counceling, Al-anon and stepping outside of the chaos.... that is what they create for us is so much chaos that we spin around them... that way we dont focus on ourselves and we stay attached. Take some steps back and deal with what you know today... not with what they "tell" "think" will happen. Listen to your legal councel and stay focused on what "is"..... that is what worked for me hon...

Take care of you and of your little one... I have been a single Mom since see was 2 years old and her father is an alcoholic... today she is 19 and we have been doing this for 17 years.

Mambo Queen

One thing that kind of got me going down an emotional road I don't want to be on was watching the Intervention episode featuring a poster here. After I saw that, I thought, "Did I do everything I could to be supportive of his sobriety?" The true answer to that is no. But I still don't want to try anymore. I've done a LOT to try and get him sober, but I never called an intervention, I never even completely stopped drinking myself (I have a lot of guilt about this). I DID take him to hospitals, where he detoxed and then refused to follow through with rehab, or even AA. I did pay ALL of our household expenses for our entire marriage, working extra jobs when I needed. I know my support wasn't perfect support, and now I feel guilt about it, but not enough guilt to want to stay married, or even to try and get him help now. Does this make me an uncompassionate person? I'm mentally spinning again; logically, I know it's my rightful decision to end a marriage that feels this wrong, but I just feel such guilt.

prodigal

I felt a lot of guilt when my AH relapsed after his second inpatient detox/rehab. The first one was ordered by his commanding officer, so I didn't play an active role in getting him into that program.

However, the second one to which I am referring, was all my enabling. I called our insurance. I called the rehab center. I got all the paperwork in order. I drove him to the center on the morning he was admitted. After all, he couldn't drive because he decided to have one last "happy hour" before going into the program.

When I came home to find him passed out drunk on our floor one afternoon, approximately two weeks after he finished the program, I was angry, stunned, and feeling betrayed.

I called the head counselor at the facility and started crying, "What did I do wrong???? What should I do now????"

His answer: "You did all you could."

His response gave me peace of mind. To this day, I feel no regret. I did all I could do for the man, and then some. Just as you have done. Don't feel guilty. He has made his choice. Allow him the dignity to live with the consequences of that choice.

nowinsituation

Don't feel like just because you didn't stage an intervention that you did not do all that you could. If it is time to end it -- for YOU -- then it is time to end it. I've been there, the guilt was unbearable. Today is actually the "one-year" anniversary of the day I confronted my STBXAH and told him he needed to get his act together or I was leaving. I can't believe the difference in how I feel today compared to how I felt on that day. Just think where you can be one year from now?? After some time apart, and observing what happens when he is on his own, you will know that if he can't do it for himself, there is no way he could do it for you. You have no reason to feel guilty!

Pajarito

Please be compassionate with yourself. I saw this and saw myself in it. I too took on so much to make things better. I work a full-time job, do freelance, and teach a class. Besides all I tried to do to help HIM, I was trying to keep myself together and do above and beyond to make sure I was being responsible- for everything! Just because you didn't stage an intervention does not mean you failed. You can only do so much. Now is a great time to do something for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for doing as much as you have- you are obviously a strong woman.

I am also going through a divorce- and never did I think I'd be doing it-even when he was at his worst. I have gone through all of the guilt, sadness, anger, etc. A lot of my emotions were a result of STBXAH's blaming me for everything. It's been extremely difficult to get to a place where I now know he is full of crap! He is an adult. He made his poor choices. Now I am going to live my life for me. I have no time to babysit or clean up after a grown man. I'm in no way saying this is easy. I took a good long time to weigh what I was doing. I talked to as many people as I could about what I was doing- I tried to act instead of react. and I can feel "good" in knowing I made the right choice. It still hurts, but I know in time I will be grateful I was strong enough to get away from his chaos. It's taking a lot of self-talk, journaling, al-anon meetings, posting here, talking to friends and family, but I can see that I am getting stronger. I will not allow STBXAH to manipulate me or blame me for any of his crap any longer.

Just know that you are not alone! You cannot do anything for HIM. You can only do for yourself- and that is not selfish- it is self-love. (((Take care!)

i4getsm

Mambo: Just wanted to send along some hugs for you. I'm in the same boat. My STBXAH is just now reading through the divorce complaint I filed (we have a hearing on Monday with the judge to read it in legally). Now he's upset about certain things. But when I tell him that's how it's going to be, he just says "fine, whatever". He's completely capable of getting a lawyer if he wants one. I'm not going to do that for him, and I'm not going to back down on what I want.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. This is an adult we are discussing, not a child or helpless infant. And his talk about wanting joint custody is just talk (re: quack, quack). It's just a scare tactic. Keep notes and document anything you think would be helpful towards your case. Keeping your child safe is THE most important thing. Talk to your lawyer and file a complaint that states what YOU want. If that doesn't suit your AH, then he can get a lawyer. Don't let him scare you with his B.S. It's just his attempt to manipulate you into staying.

Cynay

You know what I was thinking when reading about all the emotion? Only that maybe you should get the focus back to why your feeling like that.

Do you think that healthy people spend that much energy conviencing themselves that it is ok to take care of and to protect themselves? I'm thinking that if you can clearly see that the relationship is unhealthy then you emotions should be a red flag that you need a program and to work on your issues.

Protecting yourself and having a happy life are god given. Choosing to live that way is our choice.

Hang in there

Seeking Wisdom

The day my life began to change was the day I realized that all the blame, accusations, excuses my AH constantly directed towards me were a part of his powerful addiction to alcohol and had nothing to do with me. He would say or do anything to take the focus off of the REAL problem and chose instead to attack myself and others ...because acknowledging his unhealthy relationship with alcohol, meant he would have to stop drinking... and that was the last thing he wanted to do. The reality was that he would do almost anything to protect the most important relationship in his life at that time... his relationship with alcohol.


Looking back over the many, many years of dealing with the irrational roller coaster behavior of an alcoholic, I deeply regret all the precious years I spent trying to defend myself from his constant blaming and excuses and feeling guilty because of it. Back then I believed I was actually dealing with someone capable of rational decisions in regard to drinking - how wrong I was. I now firmly believe it is up to the alcoholic to change their lives, that this addiction is so powerful that family members rarely have any effect on the changing the course of this problem. All we can do is encourage them to get healthy and sober, and let them know that we believe underneath it all, there is a worthy person worth saving ... and then step away from the insanity as best we can. In our situation, I finally realized that I was helpless to change him, and I had a choice .... I could helplessly watch one person destroy their life... or stay engaged in the futile struggle and let alcoholism destroy 3 more lives.


No one should feel guilty if they don't let their lives be consumed with what is often a futile attempt to get an alcoholic sober. It was coming to this forum 5 years ago that I finally learned how powerful alcoholism is and how resistant it is to change... no matter what approach those around them use - Important information that few "outsiders" understand. We don't cause it and can rarely change its course by doing constant battle with it. Sometimes the best thing we can do, is to set boundaries and refuse as best we can to participate in alcoholic insanity. We have to realize we have a right to a fulfilling meaningful life .... I just wish I had known earlier not let myself get consumed by such a dreadful, destructive condition that I ultimately had virtually no control over.