Suzisharpshoote

Today has got to be the worst day in my short span of 13 days of recovery... I'm afraid, broken & lost...I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm still sober, which is a surprise to even me. I had a sick feeling in my stomach, not a craving..

Ok to make a long story short. My mother "radar" was up all day. My daughter 12 y/o was given a few hours freedom at our local community pool. After summer school (today was the last day) My daughter who had been mostly good up until this point, was allowed to go. Unknowingly to me & my husband, she had gotten into the downstairs fridge, & stolen a bottle of bacardi mixer that I didn't even know was still in the house. I mean we have beer in the basement, but I wasn't worried, because I'm a vodka girl & I know I'd sooner go to the booze store, than drink beer...I'm a selective drunk. but anyway..the kid took the bacardi mixer stuff & went off to summer school!!!

. After summer school at 11:15am she and 5 boys..YES FIVE FRIGGIN BOYS!!! they went to one boys dad's apartment and proceeded to drink the bacardi and the boys box wine & a few stray beers they found then they went to some other boys house & watched videos & smoked cigs & then at 3pm, I called her on her cell and busted her 2.5 miles away from our house! When I found my kid, I took her straight to the local police department and reported her for underage drinking!!! I also networked and reported 3 of the boys that I could identify. I have never been so afraid in my life, nor more guilty...I mean shiggers, she got the booze from my house, and the habit from me?!!??? My kid has never to my knowledge gotten into alcohol before..and now I found her blocks from our house, without her flip flops on & her swim bag smelling like booze..
I'm loosing it over here. We just happened to have a therapy appointment tonight, which I think might have saved me...from totally flipping out on her in an inappropriate way..but here I am now in my room, filled with guilt, fear and remorse and a thousand tears..

Anna

That is scary and I am sure you were surprised to find out what was going on.

When things settle down a little, it might be a good idea to sit down and try to talk to your dr. Obviously she is acting out and you might be able to figure out why and help her through it. There is also every chance that, being the age she is, she might not want to talk to you about things.

tommyk

"I'm still sober, which is a surprise to even me."

I'm not surprised, I've read some of your posts and I think you've got what it takes to stay sober.

Now... in light of your daughter's doings you have even more reason to stay sober.

Stay in the right frame of mind to be there for her. Guide her, show her the way.

Keep coming back.

CarolD

Of course you are upset...
I think the fact you did not drink
during this stress is awesome.

I'm really proud for you

Suzisharpshoote

Thanks, Jeeplady

I think you hit the nail right on the head. I didn't call her names, or do any of the things my mother would have done. I did yell at her to get into the jeep, and be quiet,don't say a word but that was only so I could try to think. My mother would have never come after me & if she did, she would have beat me, raged at me, then ignored me..

My fear is that she is looking for that social acceptance, love in all the wrong places. I told my therapist that I would have been, upset, but not nearly as terrified if she had been with 5 girls...drinking. I know why I am afraid of the boys,
because it WAS me 25 years ago. But I'm paralized with fear. Why wouldn't I be as upset if it was girls instead of boys..is it just the drinking part or the drinking with the boys part, I'm a mess.

Is it nature or nurture? I spend a lot of time with my kid, even when I was drinking, that drinking was very regulated after bedtime & chores, & homework... throwing softballs, & going to games... and still look...look at the mess I've created? or is it just society? Or genetics..I'm terrified. The police will follow up, but she blew a .0 into a psp machine? so they will most likely not press charges..on any of the kids...

I am only grateful that the feeling in my stomach tonight was sickness not craving to drink. And I'm very grateful that it was today, today when we had a therapy appointment in place. I've been going to therapy each week, and to church each week, and I think it is what has made a difference in my sobriety. I only hope I can help my kid make better choices.. I feel like a failure..

Horselover

Ah Suzie - what a day and yet you didn't drink! You are a very strong woman and your daughter is going to know that because she has a great role model. 12 years old is a tough age isn't it? I mean she's not a little kid, but she's not a teenager. I really respect you and she's going to find that respect for you too. You are so doing all the right things and don't think the big Guy upstairs doesn't recognize it. Hugs to you and hugs to your daughter!

Suzisharpshoote

thanks,

I will go up in a few minutes & tell her that I love her & hold her. I still feel like a failure. I know I have to forgive myself. I think at therapy tonight, me telling her I was afraid for her safety, not hating her was kinda what you are saying. Al asked if I hated her, and I said, no, I was afraid, very afraid for her safety, Lets face it drinking with 5 boys could end very very badly. I know. I've had a pretty hard life. I don't want that life for her. I want better. I guess I'm standing on shaky ground tonight.
thanks for all the encouragement. Tommy K, thanks extra you made me cry.. but in agood way..

I'm so grateful I found this space, for in between, church & couch time..:praying

Toomutch

You are not a failure Suzie!
You are far from it.
You are there for your daughter and she is lucky to have you.

Suzisharpshoote

Breaking the chain is the goal right? I went and took a long hot shower, then I kissed the kid goodnight, told her I loved her, asked her what she was reading. She showed me chicken soup for the girls soul. I bought her that book, months ago. She whispered I'm sorry.
.I shut her door and said a prayer of gratitude, that I am sober enough, to try to deal with her teenage years, my own mother wasn't. and I forgive her too.

thanks everyone I'm tired now, sober and tired. goodnight

:ghug2

SlvrMag

OMG! My daughter will be 13 in 2 weeks. I'm so scared about things like this. Please keep us posted with this, stay in constant contact with us here. Maybe you and I could help each other through these hard times.

SlvrMag

Wow, this is too weird, I bought my daughter that book too, we read it 2gether sometimes.....

LogCabin

She sounds wonderful. And the fact that she is seeking help and understanding instead of just being angry at you...shows so much. I love the Chicken soup books. And for her to be reading that tells me she is seeking love and comfort for in all this. I agree with what JeepLady has said so much. My Mom was never loving. Only anger and rage all the time. Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mom who is so compassionate and loving. And good with the tough love...whoa!

:ghug3

least

You are not a failure. You are going thru some rough times and the fact that you didn't drink over it shows the success you are achieving. Tell and show your daughter that you love her, tho not the behavior. Twelve is a hard age to be, just show her that you are there for her.

:ghug3

dancinggirl

Oh wow...my boys will be that age before I know it....

Suzi...you're doing great! First things first, of course, YOU must not drink. What a chance you have to show her this lesson!!!

Secondly, when I acted up as a child, I was doing it to get my dad's attention. We know that when we're drinking we're not all the way "there" for our children, even if we think we're talking/interacting a normal amount.

Here's my suggestion (and I hate it when people tell me what to do with my kids, so I apologize in advance!!!): do an activity every day with your girl. Dedicate a specific time where it's just the two of you. Maybe the half hour before bed-time you two take a walk together? What a perfect time for you to have together and give her the opportunity to talk about anything that comes to mind....or not talk at all...just be "present" together.

When my five year old went through a hellion period in school, I spent half an hour together with him before bed and read him stories. I felt horrible that his behaviour was really a cry for ME. After a week or so of that, his behaviour improved exponentially.

I wish you all the best!!!!!

tommyk

(^ That's a fantastic post with some fantastic idea sharing, Dance. ^)

Suzi... I personally have no doubt you can be successful at not drinking, AND be a SUPER mom as a result.

Until your daughter reached the age she is, it might not (maybe not) have been real important for you to set the example (by not drinking), but now she is becoming of the age where she needs a role model. You're it.

Reflect upon 'Just For Today', every day, and maybe tell yourself that as a reward for your good behavior you'll celebrate on your daughter's 21st birthday with a drink (and then when that time comes seriously reconsider that decision...

gypsytears

Hi Suzi . You are doing a remarkable thing staying sober, in control of yourself and being a good mother. Continue on... things have a way of working out when we work on ourselves.

RobbyRobot

hi suzi,

thank you for your deeply powerful messages. you're on a awesome journey from sadness to happiness, guilt to forgiveness, nothing to everything; and its super that you let us join in as you path your way to a new life. I have a sweet daughter aged 18 and she is clean today. and when i hug her i am so grateful that i, like you today, am sober. life is good. :ghug2

Robby

Jersey Nonny

Perhaps a little of all of the above. As others have mentioned, 12 is a difficult age...neither fish nor fowl...somewhere in between child and adult. And, we all survived...even those of us whose Moms weren't as loving and understanding as you seem to be. I came from the generation of, "Don't do as I do...do as I say."

My one suggestion (other than what you already seem to be doing quite well), would be to always keep the line of communication open, so that she'll never be afraid to come to tell you anything, even though there will be times you'd rather not hear it. I know...I have a daughter and a grand daughter...and, there have been times I've been tempted to throw in the TMI towel...but, I managed to bite my tongue and hear them out.

Not to say they didn't both make their own mistakes...there are situations we can't protect them from, no matter how hard we try. My daughter just turned 45, married 20 years, 12 years clean and sober through NA. Grand daughter will be 25 next month, planning wedding, working and going to college full-time while maintaining a straight A average. I'm very proud of both of them, and do believe the many years they were both exposed to my AA meetings had some positive influence.

Hevyn

Suzi, it'll be alright. Everything happened just the way it was supposed to. I'm sure you're going to make it - I hear you girls from Western PA are tough and resilient! Love, Joanie

Suzisharpshoote

Thanks for all the great feedback. These last two days have been really rough for me personally. I also know in my heart, that I have been given a gift of being able to “deal”. because years ago, I was my daughter & my mother let me lay in bed with the dry heaves for 3 days, really when I needed medical attention. I was 14. It didn’t turn out so well for me that night. After a round of quarters & a few rough boys, two stupid scared girls…I didn’t think about this yesterday, but last night at 2am, when I couldn’t sleep it all came back to me.

My daughter was only out of my care for 3 hours from 11:30am-2:30pm….I was lucky that my mom radar, was up and in full swing yesterday. I just knew something wasn’t right & I went after her. She was terrified, confused & emotional. somehow I was able to grip the steering wheel, and make some good decisions. I’m sure I was not alone in that truck with my daughter, there was some force guiding me.

I called my sister today, to discuss the underlying sexual nature of the situation, my daughter, walking, drinking, smoking with five boys instead of five girls….it was too close for comfort for this girl from Upstate, that had her first child at 18. I know in my heart, my life would have been drastically different had my mother pulled up (sober) and pulled me back from the edge. I also understand why my mother couldn’t. I forgive her, for that whole heartedly. I think that has also helped me from going over the edge completely with my drinking all these years. I think somewhere forgiveness is part of a step?

It is really just a vicious cycle unless broken. I did talk to the therapist about that & we going to work on a program to reduce “risk” taking behavior & improve the kid's self esteem.
I love cognitive behavioral therapy! ( I wish I could get that made into a bumper sticker! ROFLMAO!)

TommyK you are so very very right. I am the adult child of a recovered Alcoholic, no surprise there. I am a type “A” personality, I’ve worked very hard, to keep it together, make money, build a business here in the burgh, functioning I think they call it! OYE, If there is such a thing.

I was a very rigid, controlled constant drinker. Which makes it even worse I think because I thought hey I’m not out in bars, crashing up cars, ruining my credit, ect. But I was drowning my soul, & numbing my emotions between the hours of 6pm -11pm in my own living room. later on weekends. So yeah, functioning was diminished. I could hide it or at least I thought I could hide it from my daughter.

But I’m getting older & the hiding and the cover up is getting old. I could still get out of bed on a Saturday morning & do what was expected of me, but it hurt more & the smiles were less.

Even if I never increased my drinking or changed its pattern, to consume more, I am so grateful that I am on day 14 without a drink.

I think I will find peace in that. Al & I have had a low key day, today, talking about her decisions, poor choices vs. good ones. talking about moving forward & I’ve taken extra time to give her lots of hugs & tell her she is more than a pretty face..she is important and valuable, worth of good care.


Btw, I didn’t really go to church until my grandmother died in April, but now I can’t wait for church tomorrow night, I’ve got some thanking to do, because I caught my daughter when she was falling. :ghug2

I know there was a higher intervention at work here. I’m convinced of it, & I’m a stoic x catholic girl, who only found out she’s really a Methodist, recently when dealing with the final details of my Grandmothers estate. How’s that for a Springer show idea!!!! HA! oh my pineapple!

thanks again for everyones help. This is a great place to put my heart. It feels safe.
Suz