itisatruth

OK, before I vent let me just say that my Montana vacation was awesome -- the best time I've had in years. Highlights: relaxing and sharing with my cousins in the cabin or on the deck, hiking, rafting, horseback riding, exploring Montana. It felt good to feel alive again and serene. No stress! Nothing will ever take that time away or make me feel bad about going.

Then..... (tried to keep it short)

AH got more xanax from his doctor last Friday because he "was so lonely" without me. He is still on pain meds too. By the time I talked to him Friday night, he was slurring his words. He called me three times to ask where the cinnamon was!! I had to turn off my phone. Of course, he wasn't on anything.....he was just "tired". By Monday, he was forgetting what day it was. Turned off my phone again (should have left it off perhaps).

Tuesday, his doctor called my number because they couldn't reach him to change an appt. I tried to call AH to let him know, but his phone was off all day. Wednesday, his boss called me to find out why he hadn't showed up for work. I didn't answer. I tried so hard to turn it all over to my HP. But I couldn't stop thinking he was in the hospital, in jail, or dead somewhere and no one could reach me.

I had already decided before I left that I wasn't going to rush home to save him/help him if anything happened. He needs to face his consequences if he is ever going to find recovery again. Still, it was so hard and I cried a LOT.

I got home late last night to an incoherent man. I will spare you more details of the insanity and just say he won't tell me what happened. I don't think he even remembers. All I know is I had to go get my car out of impound today.

He broke the biggest boundary. I cannot do this anymore. As soon as he is more coherent, I will tell him I want a separation. Where we go from there, who knows.

It was so hard not having SR and you all to "talk" to.

:codiepolice Needing good thoughts/prayers for strength....Rica

Abundance

You got it Rica!!!!

Stick with it girl! Your boundaries are just that...... YOURS!

Remember that vacation..... look at your pictures..... go to your happy place.... no one can take that away from you! Glad you had such a great time...... you deserve it!!!!!!!!

Thinking of you.........

Chino

And you made it through it without giving in and doing something you might later regret.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important that fear."

Welcome to the next chapter of your life

Suzisharpshoote

:praying:praying:praying

BBD

I'm so glad you enjoyed your vacation and saw what I did a few weeks ago. Getting away from the madness just makes decisions much easier to make. I think that sometimes we get caught up in the madness that we think that is what life is.......nope!! It isn't. Stick to your guns and know you have plenty of friends here to vent with. Good luck and smiles, Bonnie

krhea75

Someone once told me that you'll know when you've had enough. I think you're there. Me too. i just kicked out my son and it's been about 5 days. Hard thing to do, but I believe more strongly than ever that it was the right thing. Hang in there and take it a step at atime.
krhea

itisatruth

Thank you all for support and words of wisdom -- it all helped so much

:ghug

Although he was still kind of out of it, I told him today that I needed to move out. We talked about it on and off for hours. I guess I was not surprised that most of his concerns were about how HE can't do this and HE can't do that.....HE needs me, HE won't make it on his own, etc. Keep in mind he was a single parent before I moved in.

Of course, true to my codie behaviors, I tried to "break it to him gently" and assure him he will be alright. Man, do I drive myself crazy sometimes....but I am working on it.

Amazingly though, I was calm and I didn't yell or waver. Any time he brought up how I am walking out on him, I explained how I believe he walks out on me every time he lies, abuses drugs, and puts us at risk.

Like krhea said, I also believe this is the right thing to do for him and for me.

So for now, I am trying to just take things one day at a time and not let my worries about the future mess me up, that's all I can do right now.

Thanks again.

imallright

Good for you. I know how much this hurts and how hard it is to find the courage to do what is right for you. I also understand that need or desire to help the other person know HE will be ok, even sometimes before we help ourselves to know that WE will be ok. Imo, it comes for years of trying to make everything ok, regardless of the price we pay for it and often we can't see what it is doing to us.

You are being sooooo strong and you will be glad you made this decision. Maybe not every day, every minute... but you will have glimpses and moments of peace and contentment and that will allow you to stay strong and get healthy.

All the best to you. Stay focused and keeping talking.... here, to friends not here and know that we are all there for you and that most importantly, you are there for you and will survive. HUGS!!!!!

BayAreaPhoenix

Wow, gone a few days and look who's own recovery is shining? I know it's hard, but when you know what you have to do for you, you know! Good for you, and I'm sorry too, none of this is easy.

(((hugs))), lots of support and strength coming your way! Sounds like Montana was great for a some recharge on your batteries! Hang on to that!

beegee

Ditto for what was said up above. Your doing what you need to do and just keep the file drawers open of your vacation and the beautiful moments and days you had there. Pull them out when you need them and remember how peaceful it is! Hugs to you and many prayers for you and him.:praying

itisatruth

Thanks imallright, I think I've been trying to please others and make others happy my whole life. Hard habit to break. I don't feel strong though. I feel like crawling up under my blankets and sleeping for the rest of my life. I know it has to get better, but....well, I guess I will have to give it time.

Thanks CW, but I don't feel like shining just yet.....kind of a down day. But thanks as always for your words of support. I always watch what you are going through and have done with admiration

Trust me, I have been looking at my pictures very, very often, lol. It really does help take me to a more serene place. I felt more like myself there --more like the "me" of 10-12 years ago. Thank you for reminding me again BeeGee

I guess it will just take time to adjust to thinking of myself as not in this relationship. I have been in a relationship just about my entire life, from 16-27 with my son's dad (even though I was almost a single parent because he was never around), and 27-now with my AH. It's really, really weird to think of myself "alone". But then I think how alone I have felt for many years now with him being here but not really here. Guess I'm just a bit scared right now.

Almost ready for bed, but tomorrow is a new day right!

PS Put a few pics of Montana on my profile page

BayAreaPhoenix

So understandable to feel scared! For me, so far anyway, in my new little space - it's been anything but lonely. Friends are finally welcome, at any time, to come - and they do, and I cherish my time alone now, because I'm alone but not lonely - it's such a different feeling. Anyway I look at it, it's been an adjustment, but all really wonderful, new, liberating and not stagnant!

Remember, replace Fear with Faith!

I have seen it said here - time for the Big Girl Panties!

(((hugs)))