Aysha

This week has been one of the hardest, worst weeks I can ever remember.
I know I have had way worse. But you know I didnt really give a **** at those times. I care now.
I am trying to stay strong. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying so hard.
Using sint my problem right now.
I dont care if I ever touch another drug ever again.
I have waged my own personal war on drugs.
But I am breaking down mentally, emotionally.
My anger is surfacing and I am getting scared.
I went to go to court today. And good thing I stopped to get the mail first. Because they once again changed the court date at the last minute.
The letter came 3 hrs before I was due in court. Last time the lawyer called and told me 4 hrs before I had to be in court.
I mean..WTF is really going on?
I get a letter from the repo company saying they are sending the car 4 hrs away to be auctioned tomorrow.
I was told by both them and the finance company I had 30 days.
I am really trying to believe that everything happens for a reason.
I really am.
I dont like having to depend on my family for rides again.
Its not like I can walk to this job like I could the one I had when my truck died.
My cousins wife came all the way to my house to take me to court today and they ended up cancelling it.
I have noone to blame but myself.
This is all consequenses from my own actions.
But I am doing so good. I am trying to work a program this time.
I for once dont even have that thought lingering in the back of my mind that someday I will get high again.
It isnt even an option. Not because it has to be. But just cause it just isnt there.
I am not thinking about using. I am not having doubts this time if I will make it.
It is finally feeling like it is just becoming what it should be.
So I have to wonder a little why I am getting killed here with this BS all at once.
I mean geez..I am more than willing to accept it because I caused it.
But cant it come in waves or something?
I feel like I just had a skyscraper collapse on me.
And no I am not on a pity pot. I am not looking for sympathy. I dont need anyone to rub my belly and tell me its going to be ok.
Because I know I am not giving up.
I know I will be where I need to be soon.
I am just feeling a little defeated right now.
I feel like why bother.
but I know why.
Because I am not going to let this **** beat me.
Not drugs..not life on lifes terms..not the everyday BS we all go through.
F that.
I do know deep down this very well may be what makes my recovery last.
This is a situation noone can get me out of for once.
Not even myself.
All I can do is keep doing what I have to do.
As hard as it is right now to feel like there is light there somewhere.
I do know it is there.
I can never stop believing that or I am beat.
And I will go back to drugs.
For me its all in hope...trying no matter what..keeping up the struggle to make it.
Even without instant results.
Thats what makes most addicts addicted.
Instant results and gratification.
Good things come to those who wait.
Sorry so long. I just had to rant.
I need to let it out. Or I will lose it.
Thanks for letting me.

Jules62

((((((((Chiy)))))))))

You really have had a rough week alright. I just wanted to encourage you.I've seen so many changes in you over the last year and I admire your spirit.You just don't give up and that's so impressive.I know right now things look pretty bleak but just hang in there.I'm thinking of you,

Julesxox

Dee74

I'm sorry Trish...much of this same kind of crap happened to me in early recovery - I dunno whether it's a test, coincidence, or just life.

Point is...I made it - when I didn't think I would.

You spend so long thinking about how weak you are for doing shiyt, you end up forgetting how strong you are....

you'll make it (((Trish)))

D

gypsytears

What Dee and Jules said. You have my support too Chiy.

LogCabin

Hi Chi,

I'm new to your story...sorta. I just want to say I am so very proud of how well you are doing. cleaning up the wreckage of our past...it's not easy for sure. But you can get through this. You are thinking the right way. No matter what...don't pick up..because that will only make what is bad...worse.

I love this line from above.

"mean geez..I am more than willing to accept it because I caused it.
But cant it come in waves or something?"

LOL! Oh I hear ya. I think I would be irritated at the court dates being cancelled, but I would also look at it as a way to keep remaining clean and sober to show them you really really want it. It will help your case.

About the car. Did you call the repo company and talk to them about the 30 day thing? Do you have it anywhere in writing? That really sucks.

Ananda

sometimes just letting my self feel all those feelings that i stuffed in a bottle helps me to become stronger. You have been doing so well....alot of getting sober is cleaning up the debris....but like you, i wish it would come in gentle waves instead of tidelwaves, explosions and tornados.

I'm holding your hand! (oh yeah, i don't know what the court date is about, but i guy i met in treatment had them keep rescheduling and it ended up it was cause they lost the evidence (pisstest) and so they ended up not being able to charge him!)

It ain't always bad

least

(((((((Chiynita)))))))

:ghug3

I know it's hard. I'm in a similiar situation financially so I understand. But we've got to hang on and take it one day at a time and believe that something good will come of it!

sending you love and strength!:praying

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

It is hard when life seems to gang up on us all at once, but we get through it and come out stronger. I'm sorry all this is hitting you at once, but I'm really proud of how you're handling it and glad you're coming here and getting it out.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Mattcake

Chin chi, I can totally relate to what you're saying. Maybe the skyscraper crumbled down a long while ago, but you were too busy with drugs to realize. That's why initial sobriety is so tough :/ Cos it feels like you have to face the music all at once, like dealing with everyone in the orchestra in one go, right down to that obnoxious yappy girl that hits the triangle for emphasis -.-

It doesn't come in waves because the damage is, in fact, done, and all you can do is go with the flow of things. It's not like any of the stuff you mention is an out of the blue shocker, it's more like the obvious result of *not being there*.

I'm going through similar things, in my initial sobriety I am really discouraged to survey the disaster that I caused by choosing to hide my head in the sand these past two years. My last meaningful sober stint, exactly two years ago, was productive and I accomplished a lot of things. This time around, I'm not so lucky, and I'm beyond damage control at this point.

So yeah, using is no longer an option for you anymore, just like drinking is not in the cards for me either . That makes sense. Besides the fact that I've lost all interest in numbing out emotional sh*t, I simply cannot afford to indulge - I shudder to think what my own current mess will look like in another 2 years.

You know what your #1 priority is: stay sober. And don't get overwhelmed by what's going on, try to slice up the problems you face into little doable portions, and deal with one thing at a time. You know you're not facing new issues, rather you're facing the effects that your using left in its wake - it's really good to hear that you're taking full responsibility, but don't drive yourself crazy. Like you're so fond of saying, your heart IS in the right place, so just keep it there, take a deep breath and start rebuilding; it will fall into place if you give it time.

BTW, I will rub your tummy, and tell you it will be okay More than okay if you give yourself a chance.

smallRaccoon

hi chiynita...im new here but just wanted to say i read ur post and hope things get better for ya...good job on staying sober as well

laurie6781

Chiynita, I will share with you that my first months of recovery were horrible, in that, yes I was doing good in that I got a job, was paying my 'current' bills (rent, utilites, etc) but........chit kept popping up out of the woodwork, all of my own making, of course, and I keep thinking, WTF and What's The Use, but kept trudging.

Seems like it took almost two years, until some of the "good Karma" I had been putting out started coming back to me. I was cleaning up all the "bad Karma" that kept popping up from the past.

For me it was a good lesson in the Curve Balls that life can throw and that I could get through ANYTHING and not drink or use. That is where my friends in the meetings came in so handy, to remind me it does get better, but I was going to have to trudge for a bit just like they had.

I am glad to hear your affirmation that you will not use, however, now may be a good time to start attending meetings near your home, for many reasons and not the 12 step program.

Making some new sober friends.

Making new connections to a possible job, a possible interim vehicle, etc.

Making some new "Mentor friends",

etc

I know the fellowship is not an employment agency, or a car dealership, or a housing authority, but I have never seen it fail. When one shares in meetings and others get to know one, and the person shares the footwork they are doing to ie get a job, or find a vehicle, or find a place to live, or some legal problems to straighten out, it is amazing where help comes from.

I had some serious immediate legal problems that hit me at about 6 months sober, and was sharing at one of my regular meetings of what I was doing. After the meeting, a fellow walked up to me, whom I had seen at the meeting, and knew just by his first name, handed me his card, and said come see him in the morning. He was an attorney, and helped me 'pro bono' and everthing got straightened out.

Things can happen in the fellowship and do, and did for me, once I became willing to have an open mind.

Maybe, just maybe, some fellowship might help you too.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Anna

((((Trish))))

four812

hang on trish, no matter what....it sounds like you at least have the desire to keep stayiing clean and this desire is very strong and you're very committed. that is exactly what I need again.

so thanks for sharing because some little piece of your desire may be just the thing that helps me (or someone else) to stop this un-ending relapsing.

tanyapmc

Just don't use and today is a success! I'm sorry your going through this. But you CAN get through it!! Much love sista!!

Horselover

You know what Chiy? I can't add anything except you and Suziesharpshooter are an inspiration to me. You both have been going through very different things but quite traumatic and yet, you don't think about escapism. You rock! I do hope things begin to change for you very soon and I know you don't believe in a Higher Power, but I hope you won't be insulted if I pray for you any ways. I'll also say a prayer for that other strong woman - Grams. Grams rule! I grew up sharing a bedroom with my gram for years because we had so many foster kids and not enough room. It all worked out for the best and I developed a relationship with my gram I wouldn't have had otherwise. She was a second mom to me and when she passed on I about lost it. Just glad that someday I will be sharing a spot with her again.

Hugs to Chiy and hang in there, I know you willi!!

Toomutch

Chi - Whew girl you are being tested. The good news is you're passing.

resentful wife

Trish, Google repo laws for your state, when I worked for car lot/finance co we had to give the person time to redeem the car after repo. It seems like this is to fast for a repo that just happened, so check out the law on it. If you have to play by the rules so do they. Also talk to the finance co, sometimes the money they demand on the repo letter is payment plus repo charges, and sometimes the finance co can put the payment part at the back of the note so you only have to come up with repo charges to get your car back. Don't give up, your doing great.
Linda

lostmdboy

Chiy, It sounds to this alcoholic that you are willing (at times) to hand your life over to a power greater then you. For this a;lcoholic I always tried to control all the things , and people around me, but I found by do this it always lead me back to resentments. Then a drink. Once I let go. Once I let someone ( my Higher power as I understand him) else run the show my life improved so much, and a lot of my troubles I found were self imposed. In the past 2 years I have lost jobs, friends, wives, famallies. In my HP'ers own time (not mine) the have all been returned to me, or replaced with better.

Aysha

Thanks everyone.
I really have to admit. With all this crap that just seems to be coming at me nonstop.
At the same time it seems every one of those problems gives me ...OH..I cant explain in words.
I get upset and frustrated at first. And I do come here in those times and release it here by posting. And that helps so much.
But later on when I just calm down and just think about all aspects of the situations.
I get some kind of super calm that comes over me. Like God himself has put his arms around me and filled me with peace and serenity.
I know..I always say I dont get the whole HP thing.
But lately..I am thinking maybe I dont get it because I still want to drive.
Well..All these situations lately I have absolutly no control over. Noone does.
So I am kinda forced to just let it go and try and let it what happens happen.
But with that. I am also finding that not only have I surrendered to my addiction.
But with every situation like these. I have surrendered to the fact theres nothing I
can do about it.
So let it go...keep moving...and just do what I have to do to fix it.
I am not even worried about that car anymore.
I really thought I was going to have a heartattack the other morning. My Pulse rate was 140 just sitting down. BP was fine. But man I thought I was going to have to go to the ER there for awhile.
Later that day. I was so relieved to be honest with you.
In more ways than one.
That car was tainted too. Just like my truck. It had seen and been used for my addiction.
It was more a huge part in other problems with other bills.
It was caused so much stress in the whole equation of my problems.
I am now really relieved that it is gone.
I really am.
I am finding I am letting stuff go alot easier.
And without trying. It just happens.
Something is in the works for me.That is beyond my comprehension.
Cosmical..Godly..whatever you want to call it.
I do believe in God..I am just not a prayer..a full believer in faith.
But lately....I am getting my faith back.
Well..gotta go to work.
Thanks again guys.
You know for only being a month into this again.
Strangely..It all seems so different this time.
Keeping as simple as I can and Thanks to Pinkcuda..I am not putting too much thought into more than I have to.
With my family..(not all of them..but thats ok. I know who is there for real and who isnt.) My grams..and my wonderful friends here..the powers that be wherever they come from. Karma...God..whatever.
I know I'm going to be OK

nogard

best thing about yesterday (((Trish))) is that its gone and tomorrow.. well where ist it? All we have is today, I try to stay in the moment and it helps me a lot.

Kevin