SoBearish

This is minor but I need to get it off my chest as it’s put me in a real funk today.


First let me say I am the tidy one between my wife and I. She’s no slob and I’m not obsessive compulsive, but I don’t like clutter and a clean house makes me feel good and calm.

We have an agreement. I hate laundry and she hates washing dishes so I always do the dishes and she always does the laundry. However, because I’m tidier I usually end up doing the rest of the household chores: making the bed, taking out garbage, sweeping the floors, cat litter, cleaning the kitchen/bathroom etc. And I don’t mind as our apartment is small and it doesn’t take me long.

Over the years my wife has got upset with me a few times because she couldn’t find something that I had put away while cleaning. She can also overreact when she’s upset (one time I had put her planner away on her bedside table which is where she usually keeps it and she said I was purposely hiding her stuff from her).

We reuse water bottles and keep them in the fridge so we always have cold water. Last night I did my usual bottle collection and refill, but one of them was a half full bottle of Evian that my wife had left on the coffee table. This morning she got upset with me because I had dumped her water and refilled it.

I pointed out that had she put the bottle in the fridge instead of leaving it out, I wouldn’t have refilled it. She wouldn’t accept that and after a little bickering back and forth she called me a control freak.

So now I feel under appreciated. I feel that I’m doing something nice by taking on the bulk of the household chores and for her to get upset about these little inconveniences is very unfair, and more than a little insulting.

I let the matter go because I didn’t want to have a big argument. And my wife is pregnant so I’m trying to be understanding of any mood swings she may be having. But it really made me feel angry and depressed.


Thanks for listening.

Jersey Nonny

OMG...if it weren't for this last bit, you could just as well be any "neat freak" wife complaining about her careless, inconsiderate husband. I don't mean to make light of your concerns, because I can truly understand what you're feeling. I, too, used to be the one who believed "there's a place for everything, and everything in it's place."

However, maybe it's something that came about with advanced age, many years of sobriety, or life changes and circumstances...but, I've learned to turn a blind eye to many things that in the past would have had me bent out of shape. And, for what? I've also made one of my favorite expressions, "How important is it?"

I'm certainly glad you came here to vent, rather than going off on your wife...or, Heaven Forbid, drinking/drugging over this. In the grand scheme of things, shouldn't uppermost in your mind be continued recovery, so your baby will have a healthy, sober Daddy? Blessings to you, your wife, and the anticipated bundle of joy!

bruce24

That does sound a bit harsh ....

I have a long-term girlfriend where we have similar arguments about these types of things. We have bicker arguments over house duties rather regularly. I find that most of the times it is started by her and I get the impression most of the times its her way of letting go of frustration in her day to day life. To me I think that because she has always felt like she doesnt have control or much say in her job/school she takes those frustrations out on the small things that really don't matter. I have learned over time not to take it to heart and to acknowledge her moods prior to these things happening (if I can) This may not relate to you as I dont know how they are starting off but thats just what I have found and we both recognize it now as we have talked about it and expressed the hurt that can come from these senseless arguments.

Keep your chin up and I hope for the best for you and your soon to be family!

Bruce

fallingdown

Oh the joys of marriage...can I ever relate to your post. It's kind of the opposite with us, I hate doing laundry and he hates dishes so we're supposed to compromise but I end up doing everythign anyway. And yeah, I end up feeling unappreciated especially when he accuses me of deliberately misplacing something of his.

Sound familiar? I'll tell you what, why not consider just leaving her stuff alone while cleaning so she knows where to find it. Yes I know it's kind of difficult, it drives me nuts to leave my husbands notepads,pens, and keys lying wherever he puts them, but it is MUCH better than having to listen to him slam drawers open and shut looking for his stuff that I have "hidden" away.

I will also say that from a woman's perspective, I can absolutely go off the deep end over small inconveniences especially lately. When I do that it is because I am feeling extremely angry or annoyed inside, often over something I cannot really put my finger on. Your wife's body is going through a lot of changes and those hormones are going nuts my friend. My suggestion is to try and use humor to alleviate the situation. And just stop moving her stuff, even if your intentions are good. A foot and/or back rub wouldn't hurt either. If you can do these things, I hope she notices, appreciates it, and is able to reciperocate. Good luck!
FD

Hevyn

SoBearish - I do think she overreacted. As Bruce mentioned, maybe she's not feeling in control of other things in her life at the moment & is trying to hold on to the control she does have. As Jersey said, "How important is it?" in the scheme of things, not very - but I understand your frustration. It may be a silly little thing, but if it upset you it's definitely worth talking about. Nothing would ever be put away if it were up to my husband - when I met him there was a huge pile of mail on a kitchen counter in his house & when he moved I helped him sort through it - on the bottom of that pile was mail that was 3 yrs. old. I hate clutter (it makes me nervous, like I'm not in control maybe?) and he couldn't care less. It's been interesting.

SoBearish

That’s the one that really pushes my buttons. It's such a ludicrous thing to say. Why would I hide her stuff? And in plain sight no less.

Sigh… Thanks for the replies. I know the bickering is normal but my reaction is what I’m trying to change. I don’t want to feel down and angry all day over small issues or silly things said in irritation. I’m one to bottle up my emotions and bad feelings, which is what causes me to drink and be self destructive.

parentrecovers

i imagine the fact that she's expecting isn't helping ... i was real moody and "picky" during my pregnancy.

hang in there, and let it go, sobearish. pretty soon you'll have a baby in the house, and you're gonna have junk all over the place anyway

hugs, k

Ananda

I am so grateful that I am single!!!!!!! :day4


YouTube - Better Off Without a Wife - Tom Waits

fallingdown

"I don’t want to feel down and angry all day over small issues or silly things said in irritation. I’m one to bottle up my emotions and bad feelings, which is what causes me to drink and be self destructive."

TOTALLY understand this SoBearish. You're both surely going to be freaked out for a while, I mean I think babies are wonderful but the idea of being a parent must be scary too. But please keep in mind, even though she is the one who is pregnant and going through all these physical changes, YOU are also going through some changes which in some ways are just as exhausting. So above all else, be gentle and patient with yourself. Allow yourself to be pissed off at times but also stop and think about what is worth vocalizing and what is best left alone. But you deserve every bit as much consideration in this as your wife does. I hope you guys can agree to be kind to one another. As her due date gets closer, I think excitement will outweigh any feelings of anger or irritation. I have had many a male friend tell me that just being there for a sonogram has been a life changing experience. Hang in there pal.
FD

P.S. oh and as far as our spouses accusing us of hiding stuff..sigh...I have no idea why this happens, just like I don't know why dogs chase their tails or sniff each other's butts. It's just one of life's mysteries. Probably misplaced anger at them feeling disorganized or something.

least

I don't know why dogs chase their tails, but the butt sniffing is an introduction - like when we shake hands.


SoBearish; I can understand your frustration but as Nonny said, "what's really important?" Just clean up everything except her stuff and don't let it get to you. She is going thru hormonal changes that she can't control. Just let it go as "small stuff" and love her for being your baby's mom!

Besides, as was stated, after the baby comes there's going to be stuff all over the place anyway! My daughter and son in law were neat freaks and their home was 'perfect'... til the first kid came, then it was a mess. But they don't care! And neither will you!

Just pick up enough toys and things that no one can step on them and fall down!

barb dwyer

Nice to have a place to come vent, isn't it?

CarolD

Oh My...Yes! and Yes!

Do try to loosen up about clutter
because it's amazing how many items
a baby requires Most of which will be
out in the open.

Blessings to the 3 of you

Anna

SoBearish,

I used to react like you are. I took any minor complaint to heart and, in fact, blew it out of proportion. I felt unimport and definitely not appreciated. It led to alternating anger and depression and eventually led to the beginning of my drinking. Since I began recovery, I have been able to establish boundaries for myself, something I thought I'd never be able to do. It's not easy, but it is invaluable to me. In essence, I know that I am okay and words or actions from someone else, cannot change that.

TheBean

WOW- If i was pregnant, I would think this was my husband who posted this. It used to drive me crazy that he would pick up a glass and dump it when I was still drinking out of it. We fought countless times about this until he stopped touching any of my stuff. Once he stopped picking up after me, I was able to see that I left stuff out too often and I changed. Now if something of mine is driving him mad he asks me to take care of it instead of touching it himself. It's worked for us, maybe it can work for you!! Just a thought.

LogCabin

Please don't beat yourself up. It is great you can come and vent. Humor, humor, and more humor is my way of coping.

I really like the idea of leaving it alone. Or simply asking, "Are you done with this?" communication is key.

And yes...hormones do take us for a ride during pregnancy. You are a good man to come and vent and express yourself here, and not harbor anger and resentments towards her.