needtolearn

I went to the therapist today, and talked about my grief, "him", not taking care of my emotional needs, my isolating myself emotionally physically.

I told her that I post, and learn here (wink, smile)

Well, what pushed me to change my number, is that I got a ghost call this afternoon.

I got a couple on Sunday also.

I called the cable company that I have my phone through, and they confirmed that I still have an unlisted/unpublished number. No one can call me unless they have my number. So that narrows the crazies that could be calling me WAY down.

In any case, my therapist all but came out and said to never talk to him again. That made me angry. I told her I felt that while we can't have contact while he's in addiction, if he called me while in the hospital, I'd go visit him, and go from there. I resent her, and she's done this before, trying to tell me what to do. Her reasoning is that I keep people in my life that don't belong there. I understand that, and I have, but it's MY DECISION.

But anyway, the ghost call today. I decided that since he's decided to introduce drug dealers back into his life, I don't want my phone number on his cell phone. So after today's call, and supsecting that it's him, I decided that he's being defiant, and (although he could care less now), he's torturing me. But mostly, he's being defiant and that pisses me off.

So I called, and the number will be changed in a few days. Along with this, he won't be able to call me, not even/if he checks into a hospital.

Now yes, on the surface, cutting our final cord is a good thing, but it hurts so bad. Honestly, he could contact me again, but only in a safe place, like the hospital, or the counseling center. If I see him in these places, then that will let me know he's serious about recovery. But if I don't see him in these places, then I will know what the deal is.

I need to do another post on my thoughts on the therapist, and stuff but I just wanted to share this with those that would understand. It hurts guys.

Barbara52

Good for you changing the phone number.

Its been my experience that when I hear something that really really ticks me off like this did to you, it's because I am resisting moving where I need to go. I have found that my biggest steps toward better mental health were accompanied by initial anger/resentment/resistence to the very thing I needed to do.

Yes, it does indeed hurt. But pain is a signal that something is wrong.

needtolearn

Thanks Barb, as usual you were there for me, and others.

Now, I get what you're trying to say, but I would have handled something like this: "It's your decision, but in my opinion, it's in your best interest to never contact him again. "

But even with this, and I asked her, I understand the dangers of keeping someone in active addiction in your life. But it's like she's saying, never give him a chance ever again. I know on the one hand that if I give him a chance, and he'll burn me again, because this has happened with family and old "friends". This is her concern, that I'm respecting myself to get rid of people who don't mean me well. I GET THAT. I get that some people just don't deserve another chance. But isnt that MY decision?

So, she conceded that maybe in a year or so, if I should just so happen to run into him, and he's in recovery, then maybe. I agreed with that, and I told her that's where I'm at! I don't want to be made to feel like if I leave the door open for the RIGHT TIME/CIRCUMSTANCES, then I'm stupid. OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to do the addict dance with him, but I have the right to hope for his recovery and our future, right?

In anycase, even if I don't feel the "right" feelings, as usual, I'm performing the right actions. I always do....

And BTW, I also GET that a year or two from now, even if he's in recovery, he might not want me anymore. His personality could be something totally different, and/or I might remind him of his addiction, and he might want to start with someone new.

Bottom line, it wouldn't be fair to me, I'm not being fair to myself to wait for "off chances". But again, I think it's all MY DECISION.

LaTeeDa

It's absolutely your decision.

You can decide to live in the real world, here and now. Or you can continue to live in the projected future fantasy you have created. I think that's what the therapist is getting at.

JMO,

L

OverItNow

"And BTW, I also GET that a year or two from now, even if he's in recovery, he might not want me anymore"


And you may not want him. Your decision.