Dreamchaser

First and foremost I want to thank everyone for their earlier support and compassion - with my first attempt at sobriety!

After 6 days sober, I start drinking again July 11. I threw everything out the window, because I thought I could have drink and not pay the price. I was so wrong. Here's the weird part - I wasn't craving a drink. After buying the bottle, I made several stops and drove home before having a drink. Normally I don't make it out the parking lot before having the first of many wacks.

The good news is that I'm well into my 2 day, and second attempt, of sobriety.

I hoping some of you could shed light, or experiences, about the cravings and their syptoms. I don't want to repeat my past mistake.

dancinggirl

First of all, good for you for having gotten to 6 days!!! Now you know you can get that high and can try for higher.
For me, I would relapse when I started feeling good. I would think about how "good" it would also feel to drink. Someone in another thread said something along the lines of alcohol telling you how things "will" be, but doesn't remind you of how things actually are when you're drinking.

When you start thinking that way...ruuuuun to a meeting. Or call someone. Frankly, I'm working on that, too.

Horselover

The only thing that's worked for me "Admitting I'm powerless over alcohol." That's it in a nutshell. I have yet to think I could go back to it. I don't know how long that idea will last, but for now it seems to be pretty ingrained in my mind. I have also bought a book called "A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps Workbook." It will hopefully be delivered today. I'm not in AA, but have been in the past. I'm going to do the workbook with a great friend I've made through this site.

Just try to find a plan that will work for you before the cravings start. I'm sure more people will have plenty of ideas to help you and by the way, 6 days is great and it can only be accomplished by not picking up a drink just for today. You didn't pick up a drink today 6x's!! Not bad friend!

tommyk

Funny how your 'disease' mind can trick you, huh?

Be ready for it next time, it will try again.



From another thread:

I call it 'my disease talking', and it happens ALOT.

I know it isn't my rational, sane mind coming up with those destructive ideas to drink, I really believe that 'my disease' occupies a part of my brain.

I've come to recognize my disease talking, I know when it is speaking to me. Sometimes I talk back to it, sometimes I laugh at it.

Knowing it isn't a part of my true self really helps.

Dreamchaser

tommyk - you are a fountain of wisdom and I truly enjoy reading your posts. And you are correct about the tricks. It was just a little impluse, on a day I was feeling pretty good. Certainly not like the cravings I experience when hitting the bottle while on a binge. With this most recent experience, I have learned I can beat the physical craving, but I have to watch out for me and my rationalizing.

I'm trying to better understand the disease. I figure that if I have a better understanding of what to expect, I'll be better prepared and stonger. I've read AA's literture, links here and what else I could find on the net. That said, folks like yourself put it into simpler terms and real world experience.

Thanks

tkdan

It is the only disease that will tell you, you don't have a disease. Now you can beware of how cunning alcohol can be. I always would get this insane idea that maybe I could drink like a normal person only to find out the hard way how wrong I was.
6 days is great! Those are the tough ones. Feel good about your sober time and keep going forward.

Hevyn

Dreamchaser, I've spend decades trying to figure it out. All I can come up with is - I kept seeking the feelings I used to get when I drank, remembering only the fun it used to be. In the end, those feelings never came - only a trip to hell, but still I kept trying - insisting I could recreate the old days somehow if only I used willpower. The damage I've done to myself keeps me from ever being able to go back there and moderate, so I just have to remember how I felt 6 mos. ago when I poured my last beer down the sink. Still, in spite of all I've been through, out of the blue will come the little voice telling me I can have "just a couple". I know there is no just a couple for me. Once I take that first one, there's no telling where it will lead me - including to my death. You will make it out of this - you haven't lost a thing - you'll continue on with even more resolve this time, realizing what thin ice we all walk on every day.

SlvrMag

I call it "The Monster"



My last relapse was scary, It was a horrible high (I am not an alcoholic, My DOC was meth...) and I did not enjoy it at all! I thought I needed a DR. but have no insurance. I hope that will be my last memory EVER of doing drugs. After doing that $*!t for 16 years I had NEVER felt the way I did that last time, almost as if it were laced with something.......I could not finish a sentence, or even finish a thought!

Anyways....what was my point? I forgot......<(see, brain damage!)

Dreamchaser

Thanks everyone... for helping me see the light. I'm in my mid 50's and still think I run the way I did years ago. It's only recently that when I kick up my heals that I can't stop. I was struggling with that memory and past behavior, but know I know it's different now. I need to not drink!

least

I too relapsed recently but today I'm back on day three of staying sober. I know what you mean about wanting to feel the same feelings that alcohol used to give me. I want to drink like a normal drinker. But I'm not a normal drinker and will never again get the feelings that alcohol gave me at first.

So no, I can't ever go back to it. To do so would mean death sooner or later. And I hope I'm so tired of my old behavior and its consequences that I'm praying that it will remind me of why I've quit drinking and not let me forget how awful detoxing can be.

As I've heard here - play the tape to the end. Remember what always happens to you when you drink. Do'nt listen to that little voice telling you that you can have just one - it's never just one and you know that as well as I do.

I've stopped and started again too many times and hope that this is my last time of stopping and won't pick up again.

Let's walk this sober road together! Company on a journey makes the journey more enjoyable.

:ghug

Dreamchaser

Hey least - I think I'm finally getting the picture. I've got to make the change, because I can't trust me and my rationalization. Example: I had planned, and prepaid, a 9 day trip to Sturgis. Not going and don't care about the lost money -Too much temptation!

You hang in there!

CarolD

The book that convinced me to finally quit is
"Under The Influence" It has a sequel "Beyond The Influence"

Amazon usually has both

We also have excerpts on the 2 nd sticky in our Alcoholism Forum.

....In order to stay sober and enjoy life
I do use God and AA.

Hope you too will find your way...

Snicklefritz

Everytime I've slipped I use math. Fall down once, get up twice. Fall down twice get up thrice (I realize thrice is such a pretentious word; AUGHHHH)! I'm up to "fall down seven times, get up eight."

Dreamchaser

Well I'm already halfway through day 3. Didn't sleep very well last night even though I took Melatonin. Had crazy dreams and pretty good night sweats. Funny thing is, I didn't sweat very much the night before. I was kinda bummed, because yesterday was the first day I didn't take any naps and I thought this would cause me to sleep pretty good. Well I'm just going to accept this as part of my recovery. Otherwise, I'm feeling much better since my stamina is improving and I'm eating well.

That all for now.

Mike(T2) and least - hope and pray your hanging tuff too!

murphys

Hey Dreamchaser .. hope you're doing Ok ..

Hang in there and stay with it .. it truly will be worth it ..

Dreamchaser

Hey Murph - thanks for the support. I'm actually doing pretty good. In a few hours I'll be starting my 10th day of sobriety. Working on getting my strength and stamina back. Otherwise I'm feeling pretty darn good.

Take care

Anna

I'm glad to hear things are going well, Dreamchaser!

CarolD

Well Done...DC