Maybe I messed up, maybe I didn't
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Maybe I messed up, maybe I didn't
It may turn out that I messed up big time, or it may turn out that I did exactly the right thing; only time will tell.
I ended up working a really long day. Got to work at 6:30, even with a 45-minute bus ride, and arrived home at 9 pm. My AP had called me about 6 or 7 times today, nothing important, I just got the feeling she wanted to stay in touch and maybe feel out my mood.
I got home and she'd made an honest attempt at staying partially sober, even saved a glass of wine for me, which I declined, and started supper. Her brother was gone for the evening, and I knew she was lonely, so when she greeted me at the door with a big hug I hugged her right back. In my heart, I knew she was trying to smooth things over in the hopes that, even though I gave her a letter that told her plainly that I'm no longer willing to be in a relationship with her as long as she's drinking, that this time would be like all the other times and life would go on.
We chatted for a little while, finished getting supper ready, and she asked for another hug. Maybe I was overtired, maybe it was a little too obvious that she was feeling "happy," who knows? I just said, "Look, let's not pretend that we're not in the middle of a crisis. I'm trying to detach from you." Definitely NOT the kind of easygoing conversation I had in mind when I was on my way home.
Well, she blew up at me and recited all the reasons why I should be grateful that she's with me, how much she's done for me, and all the people who have told her over the years that she shouldn't stay with me. For about 30 seconds, I found myself countering her irrational statements, and then, just like that, I stopped. (Thank you, all you folks at SR who have been so free with your experiences and wisdom!) I apologized to her for saying anything, reiterated that continuing drinking was entirely her choice, but let's be perfectly clear on one thing: I refuse to remain in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I'm willing to last the summer (actually, I need the summer to get my own sh*t together) but that's it.
She went into the bedroom, changed out of her "lounging around the house" clothes. I told her not to bother, I would completely leave her alone. In fact, we would never have this conversation again. She left anyway.
As she was going out the door, her cell phone rang and I could hear that it was her brother. I stood there for a minute, then put our supper in the fridge, got my little jack russell terrier, and went to take her for a walk. As I started down the sidewalk, I looked far ahead and saw my AP meet up with her brother on his way home. He's smart, clearheaded, and has her best interests at heart. I know he wants a real relationship with her, and there have been obvious signs that he recognizes her alcoholism without me saying anything.
I walked my dog for about 45 minutes, came home and neither of them have returned, so at least he's with her. On one hand, I hope he's having a heart-to-heart talk with her. On the other hand, maybe he's siding with her and they're working out some kind of a plan. Either way, it's out of my hands.
Yippee! Tomorrow is my first meeting with my therapist, so I better get some sleep so I'm ready. This whole ordeal is taking a kind of strength I wasn't sure I possessed. As long as I'm willing to fall down once in a while, I may figure this out yet!
G'night!
I ended up working a really long day. Got to work at 6:30, even with a 45-minute bus ride, and arrived home at 9 pm. My AP had called me about 6 or 7 times today, nothing important, I just got the feeling she wanted to stay in touch and maybe feel out my mood.
I got home and she'd made an honest attempt at staying partially sober, even saved a glass of wine for me, which I declined, and started supper. Her brother was gone for the evening, and I knew she was lonely, so when she greeted me at the door with a big hug I hugged her right back. In my heart, I knew she was trying to smooth things over in the hopes that, even though I gave her a letter that told her plainly that I'm no longer willing to be in a relationship with her as long as she's drinking, that this time would be like all the other times and life would go on.
We chatted for a little while, finished getting supper ready, and she asked for another hug. Maybe I was overtired, maybe it was a little too obvious that she was feeling "happy," who knows? I just said, "Look, let's not pretend that we're not in the middle of a crisis. I'm trying to detach from you." Definitely NOT the kind of easygoing conversation I had in mind when I was on my way home.
Well, she blew up at me and recited all the reasons why I should be grateful that she's with me, how much she's done for me, and all the people who have told her over the years that she shouldn't stay with me. For about 30 seconds, I found myself countering her irrational statements, and then, just like that, I stopped. (Thank you, all you folks at SR who have been so free with your experiences and wisdom!) I apologized to her for saying anything, reiterated that continuing drinking was entirely her choice, but let's be perfectly clear on one thing: I refuse to remain in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I'm willing to last the summer (actually, I need the summer to get my own sh*t together) but that's it.
She went into the bedroom, changed out of her "lounging around the house" clothes. I told her not to bother, I would completely leave her alone. In fact, we would never have this conversation again. She left anyway.
As she was going out the door, her cell phone rang and I could hear that it was her brother. I stood there for a minute, then put our supper in the fridge, got my little jack russell terrier, and went to take her for a walk. As I started down the sidewalk, I looked far ahead and saw my AP meet up with her brother on his way home. He's smart, clearheaded, and has her best interests at heart. I know he wants a real relationship with her, and there have been obvious signs that he recognizes her alcoholism without me saying anything.
I walked my dog for about 45 minutes, came home and neither of them have returned, so at least he's with her. On one hand, I hope he's having a heart-to-heart talk with her. On the other hand, maybe he's siding with her and they're working out some kind of a plan. Either way, it's out of my hands.
Yippee! Tomorrow is my first meeting with my therapist, so I better get some sleep so I'm ready. This whole ordeal is taking a kind of strength I wasn't sure I possessed. As long as I'm willing to fall down once in a while, I may figure this out yet!
G'night!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You know, I couldn't really find anything that was messed up in your post - except maybe your AP! I'm so impressed you managed not to engage with the arguments/quacking - biting my tongue doesn't come easy to me! Its great that you recognise when things are out of your hands too! 
I too am surprised at how much strength I have. I believed for so long that my AH was my rock. Managing to stand on my own two feet and cope in the face of a raging alcoholic seems like a miracle to me sometimes! If it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger and I'm still living so far (I think...).
:mog
I too am surprised at how much strength I have. I believed for so long that my AH was my rock. Managing to stand on my own two feet and cope in the face of a raging alcoholic seems like a miracle to me sometimes! If it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger and I'm still living so far (I think...).
:mog
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I think you did fab! She probably hears ''detaching'' as I am cutting off all my love for you and I want you out of my life, which is soooo not what detaching is all about. Shame.
It was cool that you could disengage from the chaos and let go, well done to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was cool that you could disengage from the chaos and let go, well done to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Thanks for sharing this. Could you or someone please post some references on detaching/quacking.
Does this mean you don't engage them arguing, or try to be logical with them when they are illogical? (ex spelling, early in the morning).
Does this mean you don't engage them arguing, or try to be logical with them when they are illogical? (ex spelling, early in the morning).
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I will post a few excerpts from Melody Beatties 'Codependant no more' which has helped me understand:
''Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned. despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others;a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern.''
''Detaching is based on the premises that each peson is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt the policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead''
''We alow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future...
... Detaching also involves accepting reality - the facts.''
''Detachment does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.''
Her book is fabulous, I've just started it not two weeks ago and am mostly finished it. I highly recommend it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
''Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned. despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others;a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern.''
''Detaching is based on the premises that each peson is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt the policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead''
''We alow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future...
... Detaching also involves accepting reality - the facts.''
''Detachment does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.''
Her book is fabulous, I've just started it not two weeks ago and am mostly finished it. I highly recommend it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Quacking to me is basically when the A in your life begins to harp on about things that don't make sense, or try to blame you for things you know you didn't do, when they try to shift the focus off of themselves and onto anyone else they can.
Hope that helps!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hope that helps!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
Quacking to me is basically when the A in your life begins to harp on about things that don't make sense, or try to blame you for things you know you didn't do, when they try to shift the focus off of themselves and onto anyone else they can.
Hope that helps!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hope that helps!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Detaching from the quacking is difficult! I would carry around exabf's insults for days, and then bring them up the next opportunity I had to make him feel bad. I cringe when I look back on it now. When he got going I found the best thing I could do was to walk away.
Someone posted here that they tell themselves 'my firdge is not blue, my fridge is not blue, just because someone says it doesn't mean that its true'. When I first read that I felt 'Yeah!!!' I used it over and over when I was trying to detach, it was like a bomb went off in my head when I suddenly realised that his words only had power over me if I allowed them to. No one can tell me my fridge is blue, when I know in my gut and my heart it is white.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Someone posted here that they tell themselves 'my firdge is not blue, my fridge is not blue, just because someone says it doesn't mean that its true'. When I first read that I felt 'Yeah!!!' I used it over and over when I was trying to detach, it was like a bomb went off in my head when I suddenly realised that his words only had power over me if I allowed them to. No one can tell me my fridge is blue, when I know in my gut and my heart it is white.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
Someone posted here that they tell themselves 'my fridge is not blue, my fridge is not blue, just because someone says it doesn't mean that its true'.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Starflier
You did fine. I often find myself start to respond to the quacking and catch myself. The important thing is YOU CAUGHT IT! How many times have you engaged and been completely oblivious to the dynamic that was occurring!?! (For me it's in the bazillions) YOU CAUGHT IT! I love to celebrate these successes! It may seem like a small success but really it's HUGE!
gentle hugs
You did fine. I often find myself start to respond to the quacking and catch myself. The important thing is YOU CAUGHT IT! How many times have you engaged and been completely oblivious to the dynamic that was occurring!?! (For me it's in the bazillions) YOU CAUGHT IT! I love to celebrate these successes! It may seem like a small success but really it's HUGE!
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
needtolearn
Quacking......it's also referred to as "the disease talking". Usually what comes out of the A's mouth makes absolutely no sense. It's not true. It is a very warped perspective of their own "reality". Unfortunately, we (codies) have a great desire to try to set them straight and explain why what they are saying doesn't make sense. Or argue with them. Or get hurt by their words. Engaging with an A's quacking is a futile waste of energy. But for some reason they need the codie to do it and for some reason the codie feels a need to do it. It's a vicious cycle until one of them stops doing it.
Detaching.....for me is loving without smothering. It is understanding that I do not have control of another person. It is allowing them to live their life without my interference. It is breaking the cycle of the dynamic that occurs between a codependent and an alcoholic. It is a very healthy effort to love the right way.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.
gentle hugs
Quacking......it's also referred to as "the disease talking". Usually what comes out of the A's mouth makes absolutely no sense. It's not true. It is a very warped perspective of their own "reality". Unfortunately, we (codies) have a great desire to try to set them straight and explain why what they are saying doesn't make sense. Or argue with them. Or get hurt by their words. Engaging with an A's quacking is a futile waste of energy. But for some reason they need the codie to do it and for some reason the codie feels a need to do it. It's a vicious cycle until one of them stops doing it.
Detaching.....for me is loving without smothering. It is understanding that I do not have control of another person. It is allowing them to live their life without my interference. It is breaking the cycle of the dynamic that occurs between a codependent and an alcoholic. It is a very healthy effort to love the right way.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 84
It is hard to do. Yesterday I couldn't, but I usually don't have a problem. Mine is vicious and one thing that I repeat to myself over and over is I know my own mind.
I also picture him to be the teacher in Charlie Brown so when he's going on and on I just *try* to hear "Wha, wha, wha wha wha."
I also picture him to be the teacher in Charlie Brown so when he's going on and on I just *try* to hear "Wha, wha, wha wha wha."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
