nogard

I have let stuff build up in my head,. Little things and the last few days have realised that I need to talk to people about this, I currently cant for a few hours so I hope you don’t mind that I put it here, it don’t need fixing, I just need to say it and let it go and get on with life.

I have some fear back in my life as I have kept these things bottled up. Form 2 ½ years I dealt with everything that was thrown at me in recovery, not always well but I dealt with it with he tools NA had given me and I have a great life because of that. I guess I thought that I could now deal with anything and so when little things started to happen in my life and those things connected with stuff in my past that need talking about and acknowledging I sort of said yes ok later on. Now it seems like such a heavy load.

So many events and feelings have erupted from my past, feelings of being left out and rejected, not being worthy of anything. My disease uses this to keep me away from my support and of course it grows. More recently these things have been echoed in my life and in the fellowship, I cannot afford these things to happen or I will go completely and utterly insane and at some point will pick up, but will have relapsed long before that.

I have all these feelings and events whilst I also have the opposite going on as well, I know its part of my recovery and my growth and accepting all of me as I am and then letting the past be in the past and move forward. I thought I had done this but here they are again:

Fear – While still having Joy in my days
Anger – while still being open
Despair – while knowing that all is ok
Intolerance – while knowing that everything I hear see and feel is an echo of whats happening in me
Distrust – while I know my Higher Power is right here with me.
Rejection – while every single moment of every day screams out how that is untrue.
Jealousy – while I know that comparing my insides with others outsides is mad.
Inadequate – but I am living my dream, clean and sane

I have felt like at 3 years plus clean I should not be like this or talk about it, now I realise its simply ongoing recovery.

That will do for a start, thanks for letting me be me.

Kevin

CarolD

Kevin...

Have you considered doing another
formal Steps 4 & 5 ?

tommyk

"I have felt like at 3 years plus clean I should not be like this or talk about it, now I realise its simply ongoing recovery."

I have felt the same way on many occasions.

Thanks for sharing, I know I'm not alone.

nogard

Yes Carol and I have but have done nothing about it, will talk to my sponsor as soon as I can get hold of him. Thanks

Anna

Hi Kevin,

I'm glad you are posting and writing your thoughts and feelings.

I do think that recovery is ongoing and part of recovery is having the kind of perspective that you have, which enables you to see where you are. I have to watch out for the negative stuff too. It's always just a heartbeat away and if I let it, it will start to take root. I'm glad you're aware and talking about this.

And, Keven, I love that you are you!

cmc

Thank you, Kevin for sharing this here. You know that I belong to a different fellowship, but I am learning that so much of recovery is across the board. (no pun intended!)

What you wrote today echoes exactly how I was feeling earlier this morning. Thankfully I was able to call somebody and share it. Another's perspective helped me, and things began to improve immediately. I still have some work to do though.

I'm not sure why these things happen 'when' they do but it seems to me that alot of us have moments of 'feeling' things that are very uncomfortable. I'm learning and recovering from my stinking thinking and sometimes it's painful, but it is what it is.

What you shared here has helped me put my own stuff into perspective and also sheds light on what so many of us here have in common; learning to live better.

I hope things even out for you soon.

Time2Surrender

Thanks for sharing Kevin. I wish I knew what to say, but right now Im still waiting for the fog to lift myself.

nogard

Its OK ((((((T2))))) we are just here together as we have been for many days now and I know it will be ok so long as I keep working the program, just stuff to deal with.

It helps me to have you here.

Kevin

gravity

An oldtimer once told me “I don’t know where those character defects go but they aren’t that far away.”

I had a really tough few days last week. Anger, fear, jealousy, perfectionism, guilt, second-guessing myself…it was snowballing, couldn’t sleep, anxious. I did find myself thinking “what’s wrong with me? I have 7 months sober, I worked through the steps, I go to meetings. Maybe AA isn’t working for me?”

A lesson I learned (again) is that I am human. I will have my low points just like everyone else - guaranteed. It doesn’t mean that AA does not work for me. On the contrary. I am sober.

I know with 100% certainty that these low points will pass and the only thing I have to do is not take that first drink. Works every time.

I did talk to my sponsor and I am really focusing on step 10 & 11. And I feel much better today. Acceptance.

Rowan

It's always a good idea to share - as the chairperson closed tonight, he said 'if you're hurting, don't leave without talking to someone. a problem shared is a problem halved.'
AMEN.
Love ya Kev.

Dee74

Sorry to hear you're a bit down mate.

I think, as I go on, I find that life doesn't get easier and I don't have all the answers.
I kinda thought I might when I started this, but I've been set straight on that score LOL

But I'm undeniably better placed to deal with what ever comes up these days....I'm a better man too, and I'm fundamentally happier....that's the real gift of recovery to me - the not using stuff is just the icing on the cake.

D

nogard

I feel so useless and hopeless at present

I feel like I am invisible, of no consequence.

Went to one of my gym sessions and had to leave half way through as I was in rage one second and in danger of hurting myself and crying the next.

My contract got renewed on 30th June and I had negotiated 2 months and a rate increase, the last few days I have been standing up for myself as I have been told that there is no rate increase, fat lot of good that did, they have changed the contact to one month (end of July) and still no rate increase. Not much I can do. My head tells me I will loos e the house the car, everything.

I already feel lost, last night I thought about buying a few bottles and a friend rang as I was staring at the bottle shop.

I don’t want to feel like this, but its how it is.

I feel like I shouldn’t post this, should just get on with it

I have left messages for my sponsor, time to try other members.

And just as I was posting this my sponsor rang, we talked for a while and I realised I had got caught up in the old dialogue and that for me is deadly. I am off to say the serenity prayer and to talk to my Higher Power. I decided to leave the above stuff as an example of how it seems when I get caught up. My sponsor told me that we all need to go through these things in our own way but not to forget to walk with our HP and to talk to other members.

I feel different already.

Kevin

cmc

Nogie,
What helps me sometimes is to just tell myself that whatever I'm feeling is just that...a feeling; and I don't need to respond to it.
At my meeting this week we were discussing emotions and I shared that they are a tool for me to use. These ideas help me to utilize my feelings and not let them run amok and/or run me down.
1. pay attention to what's causing them
2. let them guide me to positive action
3. remember that they are often temporary
4. know that they are often based on lies or misconceptions

Even when my emotions are based on very real problems that I have no control over, I do have a choice to accept and let it go. It's not easy for me but my sanity depends on it.
I hope that helps.

least

:ghug3

This too shall pass Kevin! Just remember you are not alone! And you are loved!!

Daddio

Hold fast my friend.

parentrecovers

hey kev - extra for you today, k

Horselover

:praying for you Kevin.

tanyapmc

Hi Kev. I'm sorry that your struggling. How about working with a newcomer? That ALWAYS works for me. If I get out of myself and help someone my problems seem smaller.

I am glad that your letting us know what is going on with you. I have been taught to tattle on myself.

Much love

Toomutch

Kevin, I am glad that your sponsor called and that you are feeling better. :praying

Tazman53

Kevin I really enjoyed watching you evolve and grow in this thread, you started off in a bad place, but simply sharing that helped, but you were still there, then you started to walk though it.

This would be an excellent topic/topics for a meeting, it got me thinking, and still does. The journey never ends, we continue on a day by day basis to live life, we accept the terms put before us, we take the actions needed, and we continue on that journey.

As long as I am learning I will be okay, keep in mind my friend, it is progress and not perfection we strive for.

Thanks for the topic.