rivka

My ABF was supposed to come out of rehab today...but did not come back to work....and I have not heard from him since he went in.

As instructed by all of you (and by our mutual recovering confidant friend who visits and talks to him) I am to "Let Go and Let God"...and not ask about him...let him recover.

This friend saw him this weekend...I KNOW.
I've been busy and am trying to stay ultra busy, purposely avoiding her so I am not tempted to ask about him.

We were talking in a small group earlier and heard someone ask if she went to a meeting last night, and she said "no, I had to help out a friend" and I caught her quickly glance at me, but I looked away.
It kills me to (continue to) think that he is sharing something so major in his life with her, but purposely leaving me out.

I KNOW, I KNOW...worrying about, analyzing, assuming and imagining what is happening is as bad as a druggie's hallucinations....

I KNOW that regardless of what he REALLY thinks, he is not in his right mind...even tho he has finished detoxing, I know he's sick and needs daily meetings, counseling and a host of help for a long time to get back to where he can rationalize any sense of a relationship...I get all that.

But when a specific song comes on the radio or CD, or someone at work talks about something he was working on, or I see his name on an email or documents, my mind and heart start spinning....

Believe me, I'm busy. I'm over-busy. And I pat myself on the back when I go an entire afternoon and not think about him. (celebrating small victories).

I don't wish to sound ungrateful for suggestions to "keep busy" with things that focus on me....I AM. I had dinner with a girlfriend on Friday night, spent the weekend "busy" with all kinds of stuff with friends and retail therapy (shopping!!) and "MADE GREAT STRIDES" in not thinking of him or his situation for hours.

But right now, it's like I have this CRAVING.....I am DYIN' to know the update on how he is...but our mutual friend would get ticked off that I'm asking again after I told her I'd "let go"....

I had to drive down the street where the Rehab facility is, in another part of our city, (its the only way to get to this building) near a meeting I had, and my eyes welled up with tears and I couldn't breathe when I passed by. Luckily, I didn't do the stalker thing and go there...(cause he doesn't know that I KNOW he's there which would be detrimental to his recovery).

WTF is wrong with me!!!?!?!?
It's like I focus and I'm doing really well, but then ONE THING triggers these feelings and I'm back to square one.

Same thing at night...I lay in bed and THINK...and SWIRL. I laid in bed from 12:30 am to 4:30 am......no sleep.....finally slept from 4;30 to 7:30 then rushed to get to work.

Love SR and anon groups, when schedule allows, but what ELSE can I do while at work or at night to keep me sane?

thanks to all,
rivka

ladyamalthea

Nothing is wrong with you; I promise. This is no different than coping with any other change in any other relationship. If this girl is keeping you out of the loop, trust me; she is doing you a huge favor. Trying to keep up with a recovering addict, whom you're trying to help to stay sober, is not only maddening and will drive you to within the brink of your sanity; it is just a bad idea.

Is constantly thinking about him/ worrying about what the two of them might be doing helping him? Is it helping you? If the answer to the second question is no, then you know you are punishing yourself for his behavior, which is simply not fair.

I wish I had more answers as to how you can "not think" about him, but I promise this will get easier eventually. Maybe you could write a "letter" to him, telling him everything you've thought/felt since before he went to rehab? I type it that way, because I had to do this several times with my sister, and never gave her any of them. It was simply a way for me to get my emotions out so I could set them aside and focus on me again.

You might google online groups too... I bet there are tons of those out there.

One last question: have you tried to find a sponsor yet? Your sponsor would be a great tool for having someone you can call up when you need them to help you cope with this.

lizw

Do you do this? It has saved my a** many times. When I am busy with other recoverying people, it seems to give me more of a boost than when I am busy with my own life....

Every group needs someone to put out chairs, make coffee, display literature....

rivka

Lady,
Thanks so much.
I have a counselor/mentor, who has actually been in my (our) shoes, who has been acting as a sponsor of sorts, but who knows me very well.
She is several years beyond where I am, and lends great emotional support, and suggestions for moving forward, based upon the Steps.
I've said to you all, and to her, that I can sum it up in one sentence....
"my head gets it...but it's just taking my heart a while to catch up".

I read alot more than I respond or post.... rmessages like yours help me immensely...I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but just knowing we are all here for each other is comforting, and gives me strength.

thanks again,
rivka

ladyamalthea

I know what you mean. Last spring, right before I found this forum, I was a wreck. I talked to a co worker about everything, and about how badly I wanted to fix everything. She just looked at me and said, "but this isn't yours to fix." And I was so offended. I thought she was being overly critical, that she just didn't understand... and then I realized that she understood more than I gave her credit for. It just took a long time for my heart to push itself back into reality and properly absorb what she was telling me.

I promise, this will get easier... just give yourself a chance.

*hugs and prayers*

GiveLove

What helped me most, in addition to counseling, Al-Anon, and staying busy, was to find some involvement in something bigger than myself. There are a lot of people and causes out there who need help -- desperately need help. What do you believe in? Where could you be of help?

Getting involved with my own causes -- helping women get out of poverty, helping animals, etc. -- helped me to step back and see that my life was ten thousand times more important than whatever one addicted loved one decided to do or not do. It helped me break my irrational addiction to one person's actions.

rivka

Hi Give Love,

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate your thoughts..... we're on the same page...
YIKES...amazing that I still have time to fret and spin about this guy because I AM involved in several philanthropic org's events which I participate in (our City Animal Care Center, Families Forward food bank and Village of Hope transitional homeless center) and am on the board of directors for a local art museum as well as Chapter VP for an international design association in my industry...plus 50+ hrs/week at work....WHEN DO I HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT JOKER??? I'm already overcommitted....but am humbled and grateful that I have the opportunity to help these other causes.

But I think I haven't let myself grieve the assumed loss of (what I thought was the) relationship or something.

I think that the hardest part to deal with is when I STOP moving, and stop "doing"...that it all comes back...like when it's quiet at night just before sleeping....or when I'm driving in the car, and one of "our songs" comes on....stuff like that.

I picture him in my head daily...and run thru scenarios.....like he's coming out of rehab, coming back to work and "needing me" ....like I would go in his office and he'd give me a hug and say sorry that he hasn't kept me in the loop about where he's been but now that he's back, things will be different and he will be focused and attentive...ya know...all the same BS us chicks dream about....

First day probably wont happen anything like this tho-- he will most likely say "hey" or give me a head nod from across the room...and avoid me so I don't ask questions...then be totally distant and short tempered.....right?

SO SO SO frustrating that I'm clean and HE is the addict, but he will probably come back from rehab all healthy and ready to start anew, while I"d be looking like the sleep deprived, emotionally shattered girl.
I HATE IRONY.

thanks again.
rivka