sadgirl25

Hi guys. I haven't posted in a while since I made big changes in my life and got three new jobs and moved away from home. Having spent Christmas with my parents (cos my boyfriend of 6 years needed space to think about whether he still wanted to be with me) my Mum completely ruined it and I vowed not to have contact with her again. I have actually managed to stick to this too (except for one weekend when I had to be at home). My Dad has struggled to cope with the idea of me not having any contact with her as he has decided to support her with her latest attempt to stay sober. Basically I am looking for some help or similar stories about ways to cope on the days when you wish you could ask your Mum for advice or just phone her for a chat cos I'm finding those days increasingly hard at the moment. I have mentioned that I am struggling to my boyfriend but he doesn't really know what to say. Any help would be appreciated as according to my Dad, although she has been dry for 6 months she is only on the very edge of accepting what affect she has made on my life and he thinks it will take at least a couple of years for her to get to the point of saying sorry to me it will be a while longer that I have to live like this.

Thanks.

Bravery

Don't wait for her to say sorry. Don;t wait for her to change your relationship or how you feel towards her. The only person who can bury those feelings or deal with the effect she has had on you is yourself. I've learned this the hard way. I gave my emotions and my feelings to my mother and got angry and sad when she let me down or broke my trust. I realised that I could do it forever...or I could take control and become stronger from my experiences.

I know how it feels as well, when you just want to call your mum and be comforted but she's not available emotionally or mentally. It's hard but there are ways around it. I found forums and chat rooms a great place to vent or just look for that single post that would give me the crumb of comfort that I needed to go on just a bit longer.

Get stronger and be brave.

:ghug

Bravery.

lizw

It can be pretty tough.

I know, as both my parents carry on like children at times. I also went for approx 2 years without talking to either of them, unless I had to, after I got sober.

About 5 years ago I started going to Al Anon and my relationship with them both has improved, despite the fact that they haven't changed. I suppose it has changed as I have. It sounds weird to say I no longer expect them to behave like adults. I expect the worse (from them) then when it works out well, I am pleasantly surprised.

I think the final nail in the coffin in my process of letting go of them was a year ago, I was very sick and my mother was suppose to take me to the hospital. On the day she rang and canceled. I was furious and hurt, and had to get public transport.

Then she brought me round chocs and flowers to say sorry and I said sorry ain't good enough, what you did was terrible and it really hurt me. And that was it, something changed in me and I longer put myself in a postion to be hurt by her. It feels like I have accepted her the way she is by actually being real about what she is capable of or not capable. I don't have resentment about it either. That's just how she is.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, you may find it helpful to change your reactions to your parents.

GingerM

When I felt like I wanted to call and talk to my parents, but couldn't (for whatever reason), I would call a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time - not to ask the same questions or talk about the same things that I would have talked with my parents about, but to reconnect with the friend and hear about how their life was going. I found this to be very uplifting as it reinforced old relationships that weren't toxic and it also, for the moment, gave me a mental break from what was bothering me.

That tool is a short term fix though. The longer term fix is to find a way where you can call your parents but remain centered on yourself and not on their behaviors. This is a very difficult skill to learn, but someone above mentioned AlAnon, and they do have good advice on ways to stay centered on you and yourself and not allow yourself to get sucked back into their world.

Wascally Wabbit

My mother got sober over 30 years ago.
She has never apologized once for all the things she did to me and my sister.
Pretty damaging things too.
While she's now sober, she is still quite strange.
I cope by not being around her at all. I do call her every other day just to talk. If she gets controlling, or starts her never ending complaining about how miserable her life is, I change the subject immediately.
I talk right over her! If I didn't, I would be drawn into her drama all over again.

Hopefully, when your mom has been sober a little while you will be able to talk to her.
Give it time, and when it happens, stand up for yourself.