imit

what is the difference between the nagging, setting boundaries, and giving ultimatums?

he has been out of work for 7 weeks. he hasn't even written a resume. his drinking has changed... no more mid-day trips to the bar.. now its the cooler full of beer in the back yard... with consumption happening in outside... out of my sight... and empty bottles found under bushes, behind ladders....

how do I make it clear that I don't think that its acceptable to not even try... with out being the b*&ch.. I'm so tired of being the bitch.

Barbara52

I would say jsut that and ask him what his plan was perhaps.

My now xAH was out of work for 2 years before I got fed up and left him. If I had a do over, I would have left much sooner. I've been gone a year and xAH is still unemployed.

It comes down to you setting what you see as what you can accept from him. If he continues to stay unemployed, what are you willing to do? You canot control what he does or does not do. But you can decide for yourself that if he does not do X you will do Y.

LaTeeDa

The difference is in the motivation. The motivation behind nagging and ultimatums is to try and get the other person to behave differently. The motivation behind boundaries is to protect oneself from the other person's behavior, not to change it.

L

cmc

The problem with nagging and ultimatums is that they are pretty much proven to be the most ineffective techniques to change behavior. This proves to be true in many areas such as parenting, management in the workplace, the criminal justice system and last but not least in dealing with addicted/alcoholic people.

Nagging and giving ultimatums, caused me extreme frustration and started needless conflicts that also upset others who were involved; yes even those innocent bystanders such as my non-addicted children.

Boundaries work. The reason they work is because I am finally in control of something controllable, which most of the time is myself.

Practically speaking the difference is exactly like what LaTeeDa shared.

Nagging and ultimatums are talk and a boundary involves action.

juju

Insisting that he does his part and carries his own weight in a relationship (whether financially, emotionally, or otherwise), does not make you a bitch. It makes you a grown up.

Try and find boundaries that you can stick to. Example: If you refuse to seek/gain employment, I will (or will not) [blank].

Sure, he’ll have a problem with it. But you need to know that it’s HIS problem, not yours. I have found with my ah that sticking to my guns and following through are more and more effective each day. The less focus I put on his drinking and the more focus I put on myself, my attitude, and what’s ok/not ok with me, the better.

juju

FormerDoormat

If I were out of work for 7 weeks and chose to spend that time boozing it up in the backyard rather than pounding the pavement, I'd get an eviction notice. If my boyfriend were doing the same, he'd get an eviction notice, too--from me.

I'm done playing games. I'm done begging. I'm done pleading. I'm done giving ultimatums. I'm done with accepting unacceptable behavior. I'm done hurting myself in the name of loving another.

juju

Just had to throw in a "You Go Girl!" to FD!!

Barbara52

Yup. Never again. I let xAH use me that way for 2 years. I still get angry with myself over that occasionally.

steve11694

I would document his behavior as best you can. Photos, video, empties, because the sad fact is you will need it if you pursue legal action(a very definite reality when dealing with an addict)

Sorry u r going through this. keep a cool head but do what u want to do. many of us have been where u r and life gets better, much better, once u put distance between yourself and the "insanity"