Fighting for Custody

Old 07-14-2008, 10:11 AM
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Fighting for Custody

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the right spot, or if it really belongs on this board at all. I'm just hoping that it might be helpful in the future if anyone else has the same experience my family is having.

My sister (30) is addicted to oxycontin, a prescription painkiller that was given to her for pain management. She has been misusing this medication and the last few times I saw her (before rehab) she was literally falling asleep in the middle of sentences, burning cigarette holes in her clothing and computer keyboard, and completely out of control. Oxycontin is not the only drug she is addicted to, and in fact I think she is addicted to many things as she has been willing to try whatever she could get her hands on. She has been in drug rehabilitation a few times since her teens but has never stayed. She has also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Right now, she is in a rehabilitation centre again. My husband and I are taking care of her 11 year old daughter. She has been in this rehab centre since mid-June, so nearly a month. At this point she is again threatening to leave the centre and take her daughter. She claims she cannot handle life in the rehab centre (because she cannot afford cigarettes and has not completed enough time or steps in the centre to be permitted to take part time employment the way some of the girls there do) and she is going to leave and do an outpatient program instead.

There are several problems with this plan:
- she can get no reference to rent an apartment because she has been evicted from every place she has ever rented, or left thousands of dollars of damage upon move out
- she can get no reference to have utilities hooked up because she is in arrears on every bill
- she will have trouble getting a reference for employment because she has been fired from every job she has held (although in the past she has managed to get away with giving false references, having friends pose as previous employers on the phone)


But the biggest problem, of course, is that she is still unfit, in my opinion, to be a mother to her child. She is not doing what she needs to do to get better and leaving this rehabilitation program she is in is further evidence of her lack of intention to change. Her daughter missed 76 days of school last year, they were living in absolute squalor (they were evicted because the home was a health and fire hazard), and her daughter has irrational fears because of the fact her mother has lied to her perpetually about people being out to destroy them.

I am terrified of her taking her daughter back to that life now that we have finally managed to get her away from it.

Today we are taking the first step toward trying to get help for the child. We have an appointment to meet with a lawyer and find out whether there is any hope of having my sister's custody legally taken from her for as long (I hope forever - unless she changes) as possible.

I will plan to update here and maybe it can serve as a guide of what to do (or what not to do) for any others in this type of situation.

Don't worry about me... but please pray for the child.
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:17 AM
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:34 AM
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Sis,
I will be praying for your family!
I hope all turns out well.

I hope you have a great appointment with
your attorney!

Trina
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Old 07-14-2008, 11:02 AM
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prayers for your HP's best in this situation

((HUGS))

Rita
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Old 07-14-2008, 11:13 AM
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thanks for the uodate. keeping your neice and the rest of you in my prayers
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Old 07-14-2008, 04:28 PM
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Well, the meeting with the lawyer wasn't really I'd hoped it would be. I came in armed with all kinds of information, history and proof about what's been going on. The lawyer asked my husband and me what it is that we want to accomplish. We said we want something legal that will protect my niece in case her mother chooses to try and take her back before she finishes her recovery program. The lawyer said that if my sister is amenable to that it isn't a problem, but that if she isn't, it would not be likely to help much. He said he might be able to get us a few months of legal custody but that in his experience this was likely to cost a lot of money (he said easily 5K) and that custody would always revert back to her mother in the end. Basically unless she is in immediate physical danger, it seems there's very little we can do.

We are going to go down to the family court and talk to people there for more information.

In other news, I phoned my sister's social worker for her thoughts on where things stand, how likely my sister is to bail out on the treatment program, and she said that she actually advised buying the cigarettes so my sister would stop obsessing about them and actually try to think about recovery for a change. (The reason we said no before was that we were advised by another worker that to placate her by giving in to all her demands was only setting ourselves up to end up having to buy her whatever she wants at any given moment for the rest of her life.)

So we talked it over and decided to buy her the tobacco. I don't really know how long the giant can we bought will last her but I'm hoping we won't have to hear about cigarettes for at least a couple of weeks.

I went inside to talk with her social worker and case worker and was able to give them a little more background about what my sister's life has been like up to this point. (They did not know she has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but didn't seem surprised to hear it.) I was incredibly relieved to hear that they, at least, were seeing through my sister's manipulative behaviour and weren't buying her performances.

On another note, I spoke with my sister and informed her that her daughter and I will not be visiting this coming Saturday because of last weekend's abusive behaviour and because of her attempts to take her daughter's allowance money. I said that if she could keep her behaviour acceptable for the rest of the week that I would still pick her up to take her to her daughter's play on Friday night (she is performing in a summer camp show) but that she should not expect a Saturday visit, and the only reason I will pick her up on Friday is because it's important to her daughter.

I also told my sister that if she behaved like that again, we would stop visiting completely. I'm not sure if that made the intended impact because she vacillated between saying she would do better, saying that I needed to do better, and threatening to get a visitation order). But at least it made me feel better to have set up some boundaries and some consequences should she violate them.

So it's been good news and bad news today... I can't do as much as I want to do. And no one cares if I have dozens of photographs of the house or written confessions or blankets filled with cigarette burns as evidence of my fears. All I can do is ask for my sister's compliance in finishing the program and perhaps, bribe her with smokes to get her sign something that says she will.

Heck, maybe I'll take up smoking too. It seems to be providing her with a lot of comfort!
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Old 07-14-2008, 05:09 PM
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I hate it when things don't go the way you would want them to.

The good news is that, hopefully with the help and support of her counselors/ social workers, she can be talked into not only finishing her work at the rehab, but going to a halfway house from there, if she can find a good one. Then you can have that much more time with her daughter, and it just may be what her daughter needs to stay strong. If she can stay sober long enough to see how much this is hurting the girl, maybe she'll be more motivated to do what she needs to do.
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Old 07-15-2008, 06:54 AM
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Living in those conditions is definitely a child protective custody case. Do you have a strong agency with those duties in your area? In Michigan, a parent has one year to shape up completely or lose their child permanently. You sound like you have the documentation you need to prove she has been living in neglectful conditions which she should not return to.

My best to you and yours.
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Old 07-15-2008, 07:31 AM
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Definitely praying for you all, for the child and for your sister who has lost her way.

:praying
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Old 07-15-2008, 11:32 AM
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and good thoughts. We have a couple more things on the go and avenues to try.

I called a family justice counsellor (thanks Margo, for that tip) and left a message last night. They called me back this morning to take down my information and said a counsellor would call me within five business days (just like the bank!) to set up an appointment. I'm hoping that the family justice counsellor will be able to advise us as to the best course of action.

Secondly, I called child protective services to start a file -- thanks again to Margo. (Although they've been involved in the past, my sister has moved from one province to another so her old information hadn't yet caught up with her. Taking this step makes sure it does.) I talked to a social worker there who got all the information about the old files and started up a new file in BC. With luck this means that we have some support and evidence if my sister doesn't start getting better... or that she will have someone checking in with her if she does. Either way, a good thing, right?

There's the good news.

The bad news is that this morning my niece asked me about her stuffed animals and whether she could ask her mommy to bring them. Her mother promised she would have a friend get them out of her old apartment and send them here. This promise wasn't something she could actually do because she was evicted and abandoned all their stuff which has already been thrown away or sold to recoup some of the losses because of all the damage to the place. I was honest with my niece and told her that her things were probably gone for good (as gently as I could) but it was heartbreaking to see how hurt she was by that.

So that's life today. I dropped my niece off at her summer camp this morning and hope that being with friends and doing fun activities will help get her mind off all this, at least for awhile.
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Old 07-15-2008, 06:19 PM
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More chaos. My sister just called from the rehab centre to say she thinks she's being kicked out. This, allegedly, is because she is still on a controlled dose of oxycontin (which is being administered by staff in the home). Because the night staff are recovering addicts too this is causing problems as every time they have to administer medications they face temptation to use, themselves. The plan was supposed to be to wean my sister off this drug because it was too dangerous to stop cold turkey. Anyway, she says she's going to try and find somewhere else to go. I told her good luck.

I don't know if any of this is true. Never any way to know at the time... but things usually come to light in time. I guess we'll see. Meanwhile I'm burying my head in the sand. We're off to the video store to rent a happy happy kids' movie.
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Old 07-15-2008, 06:59 PM
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Sounds fishy to me. My sister-in-law is a really good liar, and a major addict to pain meds.
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Old 07-15-2008, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by peaceteach View Post
Sounds fishy to me. My sister-in-law is a really good liar, and a major addict to pain meds.
Yeah, sounds fishy to me too. The recovery home accepted her knowing that this was the situation so I can't see why they would be changing the rules now. If there's one thing I've learned it's not to take anything my sister says at face value because it's usually only a distant cousin of the truth.

She called again tonight to tell me that she doesn't know what she's going to do. She was waiting, I believe, for an invitation to stay at my house. I'm not going to let her do that. Not in a million years.

After repeating herself several times about having no options she told me she was going to go and live with one of the girls from the recovery home (who is also leaving?) and then asked if I would allow her daughter to go and live with them. I didn't rise to this bait (she loves a good fight). I just said I had no idea what would happen and to let me know when she has a definite plan.

When we dropped off the smokes yesterday I thought we'd at least get a week's worth of peace out of the deal. So much for my big dreams.
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Old 07-16-2008, 12:34 PM
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Another rough start to the day. I spoke to the family justice counsellor on the phone and basically she said she couldn't do anything for me. She says their service is designed to mediate custody arrangements between biological parents (or grandparents) and that with an open file at Social Services they won't touch it. She said call Social Services.

So I called them again and they told me that they can't help either. They only deal with immediate danger and since my niece is not in immediate danger (because she's living here) there's no way they can do anything. Rather than prevent any further harm to this child they want to wait until she's already being hurt even more.

I'm so frustrated that this is the way the system works. I told the social worker that my sister passes out in bed on a regular basis with burning cigarettes in her hands, that I'm afraid she will burn herself and my niece to death in their bed (they share a bed.. fill in rant here), and asked if we have to wait for that to happen, for them to be on fire before they'll come and do something? She said yes.

So now what?
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Old 07-16-2008, 02:58 PM
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Please don't take this the wrong way...Im where you are raising a 2 year old because of my daughters addictions and mental illness...

Today...your niece is safe...Today...you sister is in rehab...Just For today...

Sometimes when things get so crazy that I lose perspective, I put myself in the moment...

Please don't project...None of us know what tomorrow will bring, None of us...there are no guarantees.

Today, Xander is sitting in his high chair, eating a yogurt and smiling
Today my daughter is working her program and trying to get better
Today I am content right where I am

If I start thinking of the future there are just too many unknowns
I have today.

Just know I understand...lots of us here do...bless you...Marian
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:06 PM
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Sistershelp,

I wish there was more I could add to what Marian said. Perhaps others who are more experienced than I am could... but I just wanted to say that, as long as you know the situation to be what it is, why not just try to genuinely enjoy this time you have with your neice? I know how badly you want to protect her, but just giving her the positive influence now is undoubtedly doing her a world of good, in so many ways.

One thing I do know about all children is that they can smell our fear, anxiety, etc... and not just when it's towards them. You say now what? I say try to be as happy as possible that she is there with you today, and enjoy having her there today, and don't worry about tomorrow, because it will come whether you worry or not, and you've done all else that you can.

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:14 PM
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Thank you both for that reminder. I'm going to try hard to remember that and keep breathing.
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Old 07-16-2008, 06:00 PM
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Keeping track of events here to keep them all sorted out in my head. Sister just called to say she has been transferred to a different residential treatment centre. I was able to confirm her story about why she had to leave the other one, and spoke to the director of the centre.

News from the new centre is that this one is for for detox and rehab so it's acceptable for her to be there with her oxycontin prescription. I spoke to that centre's director who told me my sister is a lovely person... I feel awful that when someone tells me this I get scared that they're incompetent. Maybe I'm not such a lovely person myself.

This director seemed less emphatic about getting my sister off the oxycontin than the last one was. She said my sister will see a doctor for a step-down plan if it's possible. I asked her if someone from the centre with go with my sister to that doctor's appointment and she said that they usually don't do that. I told her that if no one actually confirmed the doctor's advice that she could probably assume it wasn't accurate. I told her that my sister is excellent at knowing what people want to hear and telling them... but that she isn't often telling the truth. It felt awful to say that about my sister to a stranger - and maybe it doesn't help - but I just want them to be on to her if she starts with the old tricks. Maybe I should just butt out.

The new centre is a lot further away than the other one. Is this a blessing?
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Old 07-16-2008, 06:33 PM
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I think it can definitely be a blessing that the new place is farther away... maybe she won't expect you to deliver her cigarettes anymore.

As I'm reading this, one thing keeps popping into my mind: the people at these rehabs are used to dealing with addicts. They know every bit of what you're telling them. Not that it hurts to remind them, and to communicate with them about her progress, but be careful about trying to control the situation.

I am very glad that she was able to go straight from one rehab to another. Lots of addicts don't have that luxury, and some end up going back down that spiral while waiting to get from one to the other.

Someone is definitely looking out for all of you
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Old 07-16-2008, 06:57 PM
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Prayers coming your way! You are doing a wonderful thing trying to rescue this child!

I have faith that you will succeed!

Hugs & Prayer, Devastated
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