OverItNow

and it was interesting?? I have often heard, and understand why, alcoholism is referred to as a disease. I am sure yea or nay viewpoints could be debated until the sun exploded, however, at this meeting I went to today everyone was in agreement that their partners were the "victims" of this disease and that they needed to be prayed for--constantly. It was a little shocking to me, however, that they were overwhelmingly absolved, in their opinions, from any responsibility in their various behaviors that went along with the alcoholism.

I was disappointed and it made me feel like the odd man out, so to speak. I am not quite sure where I stand on the disease fence. I believe that the choice is there to pick up a drink or not. If you are, or become an alcoholic, you are in the midst of the disease. However, I believe it begins with the choice to drink or not. I may sound like I am over-simplifying and I hope I don't sound like I am being disrespectful, but I thought the idea behind Alanon was to take the focus off the alcoholics--however they came to be-- and take control of our lives.

The whole thing seemed like on big codie party where everybody was feeling badly for their partners. I felt like a big meanie for not feeling sorry for mine, and then toward the end I started to. Think I need to find another meeting I am confused.

starflier

Your experience is the one big reason why I haven't yet attended an Alanon meeting. It's bad enough that I've invested almost 19 years in a relationship that was only a fantasy.

To be fair, I realize that a meeting is no better than the people who attend, but as an atheist it's even harder for me. Okay, I get the addiction part, but a disease? C'mon, that's a cop-out if I've ever heard of one. Either other things are more important in your life or they're not. I realize that an addict is only living to get one more hit from their DOC, so it's a matter of figuring out what's more important. This is a good topic, as I'd love to hear other opinions.

Bernadette

Hi--
Yeah, a meeting is only as good as its members. I was lucky enough when I first attended AlAnon that I lived in a big city with a seemingly endless choice of different meetings 7 days a week. I went to at least 7 or 8 different meetings over a month until I found 2 that I started to attend regularly - one was a lunch time meeting and one was an evening meeting. They just had the right personalities for me, just clicked. So if you can try other meetings give it a whirl.. AlAnon has such a great program to offer - if you can find the right fit!

Even if you can't attend the meetings you could go to one to pick up some literature. I find things I picked up at AlAnon meetings 15 yrs ago to still be helpful when I'm reverting to codie behavior...

Good luck--
B.

DesertEyes

That's absolutely right, and the reason why Al-anon suggest you checkout at least 6 _different_ meetings until you find one that fits your needs. And if al-anon doesn't work for you, try CODA, or therapy.

Whether it's a disease or not is a question for my ex-wife to figure out with her sponsor, should she ever get in recovery. Disease or not makes no difference to _me_, because _her_ drinking is not my problem.

My problem is why did I stay with a woman who stopped being a wife _years_ ago. Why did I put up with the infidelity, and all the rest of the stuff. It doesn't matter if she had cancer, brain tumor or a hangnail. Her behavior was completely unacceptable.

So if it's so unacceptable, why did I put up with it. _That_ is the purpose of my attending al-anon (or whatever program works for you) To solve _my_ problem, not spend my days wondering if she has a disease or not. To me, that's just focusing on _her_ again, instead of focusing on _me_, which is where my problem lies.

Mike

bookwyrm

I've read Under the Influence which is a great book on describing the pathology of alcoholism the disease. It makes for very interesting reading. An alcoholic's behaviour is greatly influenced by their disease and the consumption of alcohol.

While I don't condone the behaviour of my AH, I can, in part, understand why he is the way he is - it isn't a reflection on me or anything I have/haven't done but is a reflection on how his brain has been twisted and poisoned by alcohol. It helps me to detach from the quacking. Doesn't make it easier to live with though which is why I plan to leave. Anger at how he behaves keeps my resolve intact but I know he just can't help it so I don't let it out on him - I keep it focussed on the practical stuff - makes DIY go that much faster!

What I don't understand is why he won't get all the treatment he can for it!!
Guess that isn't my problem though...