Advice with money/legal matters in divorcing my AH

Old 07-13-2008, 03:27 PM
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Advice with money/legal matters in divorcing my AH

I'm not going to give a ton of backstory except to say that my AH basically quits every job he gets within three months time, or gets fired. His drinking is so bad that when he relapses now it usually only takes him about a month before he gets to the drinking-round-the-clock, puking up blood daily, immobilized on the couch stage. I told him Friday I was divorcing him (which I have said before, but I'm ready now to go to a lawyer TOMORROW and get it filed).

Here's another piece of the puzzle that may be relevant--I myself am no angel when I'm around him. I find it hard to live with his craziness and anger without drinking myself to "take the edge off". I don't feel great about this, but I also know that I'm not strong enough to start dealing with my own problems until I deal with the largest problem and get out of this marriage. Today, I did something stupid. He has been employed for the last month, working a job which I hear every day is "beneath him" because he's a law school grad and only making 13.50 an hour...it's always the same pity party with him. Even though he knows my intentions to divorce, he decided today he just wasn't going to go into work. I get pissed and confront him on this. He tells me he's going to call in sick, then proceeds to start sleeping on the couch. Since it's only been about 2 minutes, I know he can't be asleep, so I go up to him and start yelling at him to wake up and at least call in. He ignored me, or maybe was really passed out, so I slapped him. Well, he finally unloaded on me all of the physical abuse I guess he'd just been holding in...I'm talking punching me on my head and in my face as hard as he could at least five times. I know I provoked the situation, and technically, I abused him first,but if ever I needed a last straw, that was it.I'm truly ready this time, and while I still feel guilt, heartache, sadness, and pity, I'm not going to let anything change my mind about getting a divorce from him.

Hmmm....guess I needed to get out more "back story" than I said. I'm carrying a lot of pain today, physically, obviously, as well as emotionally. I'm in a safe place now, with family. I didn't tell them about the punching; my mother thinks I got bit by a spider as that's kind of what the small goose egg I have on my forehead looks like, and my parents already know just about every other gory detail about our marriage, I guess I just didn't feel like getting into that last little gem. So now let me finally get into my questions--

Like other people on this thread, I'm concerned about the whole "no place to go, no job" aspect of this situation. We have a small daughter and of course I'd prefer her father not be homeless. While I'm not rich, I have some resources. I won some money last year,(26 k) and I have about 21 k of equity in our home, which is in my name only and which I already wanted to sell. Sometimes I truly view that money I won as God's way of making this easier on me. Of course, AH has designs on as much of this money as he can get. He told me last year when I spoke of divorce that he wanted 12k. Today he told me he "deserved" 20k, and he "wasn't going to let me **** him over". When I consulted a lawyer last year, he told me he didn't want me giving him more than 6k, and said that if I was worried he'd be homeless maybe paying a year's rent on a cheap apt. and giving him a couple thousand in cash would be best. But I didn't have the additional 26k last year (and that figure is pre-tax, I'll probably end up with maybe 18k). Now I do. Now, I'm thinking 12K is probably reasonable, but certainly not 20k. We've only been married 5 years, and I'm not going to ask for child support because he's also, seriously, over 200k in debt from student loans. Also, I work full time and while I'm again not rich, and could not afford to support him the rest of his life, I can afford to support my daughter and me only just fine. I also thought today, maybe buying him some ramshackle fore-closed on condo (my complex has some like this) would be for the best, because then the "roof over my head" thing is taken care of, but he'd still have to work to pay utilities and food. At this point, I pretty much know he ain't going to be able to support himself while he's still drinking, and with his ****** work history, he's going to have a tough time supporting himself even if sober.

I'm rambling again. I guess what I want is to hear from people who have had to deal with an out-of-work, destitute AH during divorce proceedings so I have a better idea of what he can and can not get out of me. Also, with regards to our daughter, how does the idea of supervised visitation work? And I definitely need to put my concerns about his alcoholism in the decree, right? I can see him trying to pull a "revenge" move on me and accuse me of being just as big of a boozer as him (not true--but I can't deny that I drink, and so how will that affect ME in the trial?)

Any and all comments, advice, or questions about the above would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:42 PM
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My now xAH has been out of work for 3 years now after being fired from the law firm he was with for 20+ years. His refusal to get a job, any job, was one of the many reasons I left him and divorced him. Our house has finally sold, for much less than market value but it will cover the loans on it. I may actually see a couple thousand equity. I don't care anymore. xAH will be homeless after closing. He doesn't have a job, has no money so won't be able to rent even a dump. He has been sponging off his 87 YO mother for the past year. I have no idea what he will do really but its not my problem. xAH could have fotten himself a job at 7-11 or something but that's beneath him ya know. He just cannot see himself as anything other than a victim.

I do not have nor do I feel any responsibility for xAH's soon to be uncomfortable circumstances. It is all the result of his choices and behaviors. I pray he will find his bottom and begin climbing out but that is up to him and God.

As for giving your AH money, my question is why would you give him anything? You are no obligated to give him money. He is capable of supporting himself. If its just to buy him off, I can understand that but personally I wouldn't do it unless I had to. I sure would keep the amount to the minimum I could get away with. I wonder why the attorney suggested you give him money?

Giving him money really is another form of enabling I think, would only delay his need to find a way to support himself. If you do it to make your divorce easier, that's one thing but make sure you think this thru before you do it.
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:55 PM
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Barbara--I really appreciate your posts (this one and others on other threads) Very thoughtful and helpful. For me, giving him some money is mainly a way to just get it DONE and over with, and I guess, somewhat to assuage my guilt. His sister helped me with this by telling me that she'd allow him to live with her IF he isn't drinking. So then, he does have a choice outside of homelessness, but it would actually require sobriety on his part. If he won't choose that over homelessness, he deserves his fate I suppose.
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Old 07-13-2008, 04:18 PM
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Unhappy Questions about divorcing & money...

I was in sorta the same situation but my EX still worked and was Retired Military...I was the one with a small income but I did get a big child support.

I divorced him and he did not get visitation for over four years since he had abused our little daughter. Then he only got to see her or talk to her if she wanted to and all visits were supervised until she was 18.

At this time we both drank once or twice a week at the neighborhood bar. He did try to turn me in as neglecting our daughter going out partying but it wasn't so...I had proof of my once a week sitter and the group therapy I went to one night a week.

My daughter's casemanager from Children's Protective Service called me at work to tell me my EX was out in the waiting room and she wanted to know if what he was saying was true and I said no. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

Now this casemanager came to my house to see my daughter and how things were going...she called right before she came so it basically was on the spot checking all different days of the work week...usually after I was just home from work.

My daughter also was in play therapy counseling...recomended counselor by District Attorney...that had my husband arrested.

As far as the issue of your home...I had experience with this with my brother and our family home. We had papers drawn up that he could live in the home rent free if he kept up the property taxes, insurance, & utilities....he did not do any of this...I end up paying the taxes and some of the utilities to keep the home from going into foreclosure.

I finally hired a lawyer to help me evict my brother and the street type people he rented bedrooms to....turned out they were drug users and my brother was alcoholic and into drugs...I did not know about the drugs...he was 64 when all of this came to a head. I lived across state from him so didn't get over to see him often after our Dad died.

I hired a contractor to help me clean 50 years worth of trash and more trash + hold a yard sale to get rid of everything my brother didn't want. He was hiding out because there was a warrent for his arrest. What a mess...it had been three years since I had seen my brother and in that three years he managed to destroy the inside of the house.

All went well and beyond my belief....a lady & her daughter came to the house and wanted to know if it was for sale....and they bought it on the spot. It needed a new roof & painting inside but they wanted to do that...how lucky can a person be....They offered $76,000.00...$10,000.00 over the appraised value so I did a three year contract with them and my lawyer handled all the paperwork...done deal...get $800.00 a month and a balloon payment at the end of the three years!!!

So this is my experience with an active alcoholic/drug user that destroyed our family home in three years....It all was fixable but so sad to see.

When I divorced my husband I got to live in the family home until the divorce was final but my EX did not make the housepayments like he was court ordered to do so it was going into foreclosure so my lawyer advised me to sell it and so I did. We didn't have a lot of equity like you do so his share of the money went to the back house payments and taxes and I got my share free & clear and used part of it to pay my lawyer.

Hope all goes well for you.

kelsh
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Old 07-13-2008, 05:05 PM
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I am not a lawyer but DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY UNTIL YOU HAVE A AGREEMENT IN WRITING AND THE DIVORCE IS FINAL! Please talk to an attorney before you do anything and make sure he cannot access any of YOUR money. Regardless of how the physical incident started I would file a police report so you can get a restraining order to possibly get him out of the house (yeah you slapped him but 5 punches to the face is not tit for tat, it's abuse). I once dragged my ex out of our sons room by the back of his shirt and he fell because he was drunk, you can bet that if he had punched me he would have gone to jail and been out of the house.

This sounds really bad but if he does not get his act together you may not have to give him anything, his lazyness may be his undoing, don't volunteer to give him anything.
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:47 PM
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I'm no lawyer, but I can't imagine any judge awarding a deadbeat with a LAW degree part of your winnings or equity in the house.

Before you make any decisions regarding money, I would consider taking some time to really look at this situation. Why on earth would you feel guilty? Why would you be willing to forgo child support? Don't know if you're aware, but visitation and child support are separate issues in the eyes of the court. An father who is unfit is not exempt from paying child support.

There is no reason to make this easy on your AH. I don't say that out of vindictiveness but adults need to take responsibility, and one way to learn how is by having some responsibilities.

I felt guilty when I left my AH, and while my divorce settlement was decent, my guilt prevented me from negotiating an agreement that would have been more fair and better for me (and my kids) in the long run.

Last edited by nowwhat; 07-13-2008 at 07:55 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 07-13-2008, 08:17 PM
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My husband got fired from his job two weeks after he moved out. Each state's laws are different. You need to get a lawyer ASAP.

In my state (SC), you have equitable distribution of marital assets. This includes EVERYTHING that has been purchased, made, won, etc. during your marriage. It doesn't matter if YOU won it...it's included. Your winnings and your house equity will likely be included in your marital assets. I would NOT offer him any money until you get papers filed with an attorney. I personally would request child support from him. Just because you can support your daughter does not mean that he shouldn't, ya know? Think of that extra money (if you get it from him) as "gravy" money for the tight times. Actually that's what my plan is right now just so that I don't have to depend on his money (in case he doesn't get or can't keep a job).

I would report the incident last night. I agree with Hadenoughnow completely. Start keeping documentation of the drinking. Again, not sure of your state, but in SC, you can use alcohol abuse as grounds for divorce.

I know what you mean about wanting all of this to just be done, but divorce is a process which can take awhile. Right now you need to protect you and your daughter. You need to tell someone about what happened last night. It sounds like you feel embarrassed because you hit him first. Sure...it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but no way did you deserve to be hit like you described.

(((HUGS))) I was so scared when I first left, but honestly, every day since then has been a DREAM compared to the days that I was with my STBXAH.
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Old 07-13-2008, 08:36 PM
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If you live in a community property state, the division of property can be 50/50 unless it can be proven that any property was purchased WITHOUT commingling funds. (In other words, you purchased a house with money given to you by your mother and none of the money came from a joint account.) Also, gifts are considered non-marital property. Whether you live in a community property state or an equity state, gifts are not split between the couple.

If you live in an equity state, such matters as the duration of the marriage will be taken into account. Marriages (even in community property states) of five years or less are considered short duration. Spousal support (previously called "alimony") will only be provided for half the time of the marriage; then it will only be given to allow one spouse to gain necessary training to re-enter the workforce and have a reasonable lifestyle.

There are NO GROUNDS for filing in any U.S. state, with the exception of New York. Since 2006, New York may have repealed this antiquated law. Some states, such as Arizona, are STRICT no-fault states. It doesn't matter what one spouse is doing; there are NO GROUNDS. Maryland still has several grounds, among which are adultery and desertion. However, grounds are not needed, other than irreconciliable differences, to dissolve the marriage union.

I can certainly understand and sympathize with you being fed up with this guy and slapping him. However - and I am not taking sides here - you assaulted him. Physical touching of an offensive nature - slapping, shoving, pushing, hitting - is assault. That's just the law. He hit you back. However, you hit him first, and he can charge you with assault.

My exAH was out of work more than he was employed. The night I left him, he shoved me backwards onto our driveway. He shoved first. He also threw my suitcase at me, but missed. Assault. I went to court and pressed charges. In the end, I got nothing from him, even though I had supported his worthless a$$ for years. Why? I had NOTHING in writing stipulating that my financial contributions were a loan. However, I walked away with my possessions, let him have his house (I refused to be on the mortgage with the deadbeat), and we called it pretty much even.

Mine made all sorts of noise about who-got-what. However, what saved me, in the final analysis, was I kept all my assets and liabilities in my name ALONE. I refused to commingle funds. Thank goodness - because the exAH had about $50K in debt when I walked!
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