He's making it easier and easier for me
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
He's making it easier and easier for me
I'm mainly typing this out here for my documentation purposes, and if anyone wants to comment, thats sure welcome too!
Today my 2nd youngest is 13 (OMG, another female teenager in the house!)
my two oldest girls are away being camp counselors which leaves my 13yo and 11yo daughters here with me this weekend.
I planned on spending the day with the birthday girl doing whatever she wanted, so my 11yo (daughter with stbxah) spent the later afternoon and early evening at her fathers. She is no longer allowed to spend the night at his house, but she'd be okay there as two of her brothers were there along with her being able to spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen in a week. He was all for seeing her.
When I dopped her off, stbxah is all peppy and friendly to me like nothing ever happened and says "hey hollywood (referring to me wearing those sunglasses I posted about finally buying myself) how are you today? how are things?"
I'm thinking "how are things a$$h*le? how do you think they are? not as good as things will be once I divorce your pathetic butt!" instead I can't even look at him because if I do, Ill just want to grab the cast iron skillet from his kitchen and
so I just respond in an emotionaless, uninterested way and say "things are fine, doing good" I tell daughter goodbye and leave.
So, at 9pm I go to stbxah to pick up the 11yo. Well, he isn't there....surprise, surprise. Daughter says "daddy went for a walk he'll be back in a few mins."
Okay, I think he walked down to the gas station to get a pack of cigs or something. So, we wait about 15 mins.
I call him, and ask him where he was, he says I'll call you back and then hangs up. Okay then......Meanwhile our daughter tells me that she thought it was funny that he got all dressed up to go for a walk, tells me that he put on the nice blue dress shirt I had bought him, had shined his boots, and was wearing cologne. She is no dummy. I said, yeah, that does sound a little weird, doesn't it.
She tells me: "he said he was going for a walk but he probably called a cab and had them pick him up at the gas station so I wouldn't see.
Or he is with J (OW), he is probably with her."
Smart cookie she is.
So we wait another 15 mins. I call him on his cell, rings and rings then goes to voice mail.
I am mad by now since he has *left our daughter there again* to go to the bars, and has lied to her again. And she knows it.
Jeeze, he couldn't wait until I got there to get her huh? It was only 9pm and she said he'd be gone about 30 mins! Granted he knows I was coming to get her and she wouldnt be there all night, but sheesh, I know it makes me daughter feel terrible.
I ask her two 1/2 brothers (one of them the disabled one, the other is the OW's son who is there) if they know where he went, they said he told them he was going for a walk and didn't know where or when he'd be back.
We waited because daughter wanted to tell her dad goodbye and goodnight.
Finally I told her we needed to leave and she could call her dad when we got back home if she wanted.
As we are walking out the door he calls back. So, I'm mad and ask him "where the hell are you?" he tells me that where he is is none of my business. I tell him that I think it is my business when he is supposed to be there with our daughter. He hangs up on me.
Whatever.
So we drive home. When I check my calls on the phone I see that I just missed him calling by two minutes.
So, I call him (which I shouldnt have done, curiosity got the best of me), he answers and I say "did you need something when you called just now?"
He says "well, I'm here, I'm home now. I say okay........thats what you called to tell me? He then gets all hateful sounding and yells at me "I'm moving as far the f**k away from you as I can!" screams it at me in a tone of voice that he has never used on me in the 14 years we've been together. I have no idea where that came from, totally out of left field - like he is the one who has the reasons to have to move away from me! Like I am the one abandoning my spouse and children, lying and cheating, refusing to get help, ect.......Umm.....okay.....sure......
I say "ummmm.......okay" and then he hangs up.
OMG, and he claims I'm the crazy one?! Personality change much?
Things are really changing quickly with him, its weird.
But thats okay, the more he acts like a complete immature, sick moron, the easier it is for me to accept the fact that a divorce is my only option. I've taken my rose colored glasses off for good and wow......he can have his skanky husband stealer chick, he can have his alcohol and pot (and I'm thinking he's moved on to other drugs, though can't be sure), he can have his midlife crisis freedom, all of it. Because its all disgusting and insane and I am done with it. Stick a fork in me, I am D-O-N-E.
There is no way I am allowing myself to be drawn back into that insanity, only to be heartbroken once again. No way. What a freaking mess.
Today my 2nd youngest is 13 (OMG, another female teenager in the house!)
my two oldest girls are away being camp counselors which leaves my 13yo and 11yo daughters here with me this weekend.
I planned on spending the day with the birthday girl doing whatever she wanted, so my 11yo (daughter with stbxah) spent the later afternoon and early evening at her fathers. She is no longer allowed to spend the night at his house, but she'd be okay there as two of her brothers were there along with her being able to spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen in a week. He was all for seeing her.
When I dopped her off, stbxah is all peppy and friendly to me like nothing ever happened and says "hey hollywood (referring to me wearing those sunglasses I posted about finally buying myself) how are you today? how are things?"
I'm thinking "how are things a$$h*le? how do you think they are? not as good as things will be once I divorce your pathetic butt!" instead I can't even look at him because if I do, Ill just want to grab the cast iron skillet from his kitchen and
so I just respond in an emotionaless, uninterested way and say "things are fine, doing good" I tell daughter goodbye and leave.So, at 9pm I go to stbxah to pick up the 11yo. Well, he isn't there....surprise, surprise. Daughter says "daddy went for a walk he'll be back in a few mins."
Okay, I think he walked down to the gas station to get a pack of cigs or something. So, we wait about 15 mins.
I call him, and ask him where he was, he says I'll call you back and then hangs up. Okay then......Meanwhile our daughter tells me that she thought it was funny that he got all dressed up to go for a walk, tells me that he put on the nice blue dress shirt I had bought him, had shined his boots, and was wearing cologne. She is no dummy. I said, yeah, that does sound a little weird, doesn't it.
She tells me: "he said he was going for a walk but he probably called a cab and had them pick him up at the gas station so I wouldn't see.
Or he is with J (OW), he is probably with her."
Smart cookie she is.
So we wait another 15 mins. I call him on his cell, rings and rings then goes to voice mail.
I am mad by now since he has *left our daughter there again* to go to the bars, and has lied to her again. And she knows it.
Jeeze, he couldn't wait until I got there to get her huh? It was only 9pm and she said he'd be gone about 30 mins! Granted he knows I was coming to get her and she wouldnt be there all night, but sheesh, I know it makes me daughter feel terrible.
I ask her two 1/2 brothers (one of them the disabled one, the other is the OW's son who is there) if they know where he went, they said he told them he was going for a walk and didn't know where or when he'd be back.
We waited because daughter wanted to tell her dad goodbye and goodnight.
Finally I told her we needed to leave and she could call her dad when we got back home if she wanted.
As we are walking out the door he calls back. So, I'm mad and ask him "where the hell are you?" he tells me that where he is is none of my business. I tell him that I think it is my business when he is supposed to be there with our daughter. He hangs up on me.
Whatever.
So we drive home. When I check my calls on the phone I see that I just missed him calling by two minutes.
So, I call him (which I shouldnt have done, curiosity got the best of me), he answers and I say "did you need something when you called just now?"
He says "well, I'm here, I'm home now. I say okay........thats what you called to tell me? He then gets all hateful sounding and yells at me "I'm moving as far the f**k away from you as I can!" screams it at me in a tone of voice that he has never used on me in the 14 years we've been together. I have no idea where that came from, totally out of left field - like he is the one who has the reasons to have to move away from me! Like I am the one abandoning my spouse and children, lying and cheating, refusing to get help, ect.......Umm.....okay.....sure......
I say "ummmm.......okay" and then he hangs up.
OMG, and he claims I'm the crazy one?! Personality change much?
Things are really changing quickly with him, its weird.
But thats okay, the more he acts like a complete immature, sick moron, the easier it is for me to accept the fact that a divorce is my only option. I've taken my rose colored glasses off for good and wow......he can have his skanky husband stealer chick, he can have his alcohol and pot (and I'm thinking he's moved on to other drugs, though can't be sure), he can have his midlife crisis freedom, all of it. Because its all disgusting and insane and I am done with it. Stick a fork in me, I am D-O-N-E.
There is no way I am allowing myself to be drawn back into that insanity, only to be heartbroken once again. No way. What a freaking mess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Good to document...you can look back and see why you don't want him back. I had to do this too and it didn't even work at first!!!! I found ways to convince myself, how I don't know, that things would be different somehow!
Remember how you felt when you wrote this and remember how we sometimes go against our gut and run headnfirst back into hell.
IMHO...He is not to be trusted with your children. It really scares me. I'm sorry but it does.
Remember how you felt when you wrote this and remember how we sometimes go against our gut and run headnfirst back into hell.
IMHO...He is not to be trusted with your children. It really scares me. I'm sorry but it does.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Wow, my ex is a PITA (I can relate to the screaming phone calls) but he would never leave the our son alone at night or just leave for hours to go out. It's a shame that you stbx can't manage to stay in ONE night while his daughter is there. It's funny because my ex drinks every day and thinks that is ok but goes off the deep end if I run an errand and he calls while I am out, then he calls my cell screaming like a maniac (our son is 14 and he is with me 5 days a week, what am I supposed to do? drag him everywhere or never leave the house? cmon).
I agree that if he cannot even stay home for evening (not even the whole night!) he can't be trusted.
The crazy behaviour from him is his because you have changed your "role" and behaviour, he knows that his "game" is up and is freaking out.
I agree that if he cannot even stay home for evening (not even the whole night!) he can't be trusted.
The crazy behaviour from him is his because you have changed your "role" and behaviour, he knows that his "game" is up and is freaking out.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by hadenoughnow 
The crazy behaviour from him is his because you have changed your "role" and behaviour, he knows that his "game" is up and is freaking out.
I know he does love me desperately in his own "special" way and no matter what kind of game face he puts on, it is truly crushing him to finally realize that we are done, done, done.
So, yeah, he's freaking out.
I give it two weeks at the most and he's emailing and calling and trying to get me to give him the time of day again.
I know him like the back of my hand and this is gonna get worse before it gets better.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
His temper and outbursts at you are probably coming from the fact that he is realising you are changing and no longer eating all the rubish he dols out. His manipulation games and lies are not working with you any more and he is resulting to using abusive, threatening language to ''get you back in line''.
You are right, it probably will get worse as it goes on, but after a time he will realise that it isn't working anymore and stop. Keep to your guns. You are doing fantastic!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are right, it probably will get worse as it goes on, but after a time he will realise that it isn't working anymore and stop. Keep to your guns. You are doing fantastic!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Hey neighbor,
I showed my AH this post. He seemed shocked. Shocked that your AH would leave your daughter... especially on her birthday to go get booze. He said if that were him, surely he could have waited until after I picked up the kids to get his "pop". So, I said, "You mean like the last time I left you alone with the kids while I went grocery shopping and came home to find you drunk? You couldn't wait."
Then I pointed out the part of how your AH made that hateful comment at the end. I asked AH if he could relate to that thinking, but if he can see how twisted it really is.
Then we had a pretty good conversation. In a nutshell, I told him he already had the opportunity to have other people raise his 3 now adult children and he has forsaken the right to have other people (namely me) raise the 2 we have together because he has better things to do like drink. And I told him he may not want to stop, but that he'd better stop resenting me for wanting him to stop. Our children will be the ones who would benefit the most from his recovery and he should consider them. And I told him that he very well could drink himself blind if we split, but that the kids and I don't have crutches to numb ourselves and it would be so selfish to choose to be numb and take care of his own selfish desires and offer up to our children divorced parents rather than to endure the torture of quitting. I told him I don't care if he has seizures, vomits, gets cold sweats or whatever (which he doesn't because he's a binger). Whatever it takes because he has to choose life. You don't have FIVE children and condemn them to a life of dealing with an alcoholic parent. It's just selfish, so selfish. If we were single, I'd say "have a good one" and hit the road. He's a father, I just refuse to accept that even an alcoholic would think it's okay to be loaded, particularly in front of kids.
I mean, what do you do if someone is addicted to watching porn in front of the kids???? That's not acceptable. There's no excuse for it.
Alcoholics don't need to procreate.
I showed my AH this post. He seemed shocked. Shocked that your AH would leave your daughter... especially on her birthday to go get booze. He said if that were him, surely he could have waited until after I picked up the kids to get his "pop". So, I said, "You mean like the last time I left you alone with the kids while I went grocery shopping and came home to find you drunk? You couldn't wait."
Then I pointed out the part of how your AH made that hateful comment at the end. I asked AH if he could relate to that thinking, but if he can see how twisted it really is.
Then we had a pretty good conversation. In a nutshell, I told him he already had the opportunity to have other people raise his 3 now adult children and he has forsaken the right to have other people (namely me) raise the 2 we have together because he has better things to do like drink. And I told him he may not want to stop, but that he'd better stop resenting me for wanting him to stop. Our children will be the ones who would benefit the most from his recovery and he should consider them. And I told him that he very well could drink himself blind if we split, but that the kids and I don't have crutches to numb ourselves and it would be so selfish to choose to be numb and take care of his own selfish desires and offer up to our children divorced parents rather than to endure the torture of quitting. I told him I don't care if he has seizures, vomits, gets cold sweats or whatever (which he doesn't because he's a binger). Whatever it takes because he has to choose life. You don't have FIVE children and condemn them to a life of dealing with an alcoholic parent. It's just selfish, so selfish. If we were single, I'd say "have a good one" and hit the road. He's a father, I just refuse to accept that even an alcoholic would think it's okay to be loaded, particularly in front of kids.
I mean, what do you do if someone is addicted to watching porn in front of the kids???? That's not acceptable. There's no excuse for it.
Alcoholics don't need to procreate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I know him like the back of my hand and this is gonna get worse before it gets better.
You don't have to go down that "worse" road WITH him in his denial, Strongerwoman, just remember that. You are stepping out of his spiral in order to keep YOUR head afloat with what life is supposed to be like, for you and your daughters. Keep coming here and getting it out. I think you are doing great, even if it's hard to maintain that "stronger" conviction. He may continue to go down further in the progressive and serious nature of alcohol-drug addiction. You just continue to separate yourself from that life of his and those lies he is telling himself. It's out of your control, but no longer in control of you. Keep your chin up, sister. And I love hearing that your older daughters are working at camp! What a great job for them
You don't have to go down that "worse" road WITH him in his denial, Strongerwoman, just remember that. You are stepping out of his spiral in order to keep YOUR head afloat with what life is supposed to be like, for you and your daughters. Keep coming here and getting it out. I think you are doing great, even if it's hard to maintain that "stronger" conviction. He may continue to go down further in the progressive and serious nature of alcohol-drug addiction. You just continue to separate yourself from that life of his and those lies he is telling himself. It's out of your control, but no longer in control of you. Keep your chin up, sister. And I love hearing that your older daughters are working at camp! What a great job for them
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
(((Strongerwoman))),
It takes "chutzpah", as we say..(Having the courage and conviction) to take your life back and pull away from this painful, abusive relationship because though its a toxic environment, there is that element of "security" that we codies latch onto in a desperate attempt to save what's left that is "good in the relationship"...from being thrown away.
A forum member named "Former doormat" posted a thread here about her AH called 'BUT HE HAS SUCH POTENTAL' which talks about how and why we hang on to what COULD be if they got their sh*t together. It helped me to understand ME a bit better, even if I am still unable to figure out my Friggin STBxab!!!
I'm proud of your progress and courage. Its inspiring.
One day at a time.
Rivka
It takes "chutzpah", as we say..(Having the courage and conviction) to take your life back and pull away from this painful, abusive relationship because though its a toxic environment, there is that element of "security" that we codies latch onto in a desperate attempt to save what's left that is "good in the relationship"...from being thrown away.
A forum member named "Former doormat" posted a thread here about her AH called 'BUT HE HAS SUCH POTENTAL' which talks about how and why we hang on to what COULD be if they got their sh*t together. It helped me to understand ME a bit better, even if I am still unable to figure out my Friggin STBxab!!!
I'm proud of your progress and courage. Its inspiring.
One day at a time.
Rivka
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
so my daughter calls him a few minutes ago, first time she has talked to him since the other night.
he tells her "sorry for the drama the other night. *a friend* invited me to a comedy club." "if you felt uncomfortable staying with the boys you should have just told me and I wouldn't have left."
Okay......so he is clearly messing with her mind.
I don't know how to explain this to her. She freely comes to me with all of this, I am not going to her fishing for info. I want her to be able to come to me with whatever she wants, yet this is a fine line I'm walking.
Trying to balance reality for her vs. what daddy is feeding her/manipulating her with.
I don't want to make him out to be the bad guy (although she already knows this herself - she does not trust him at all, she is anxiety filled at his house, yet still wants to spend time with him. When she comes back from being with him, her behavior for me is bad - which I know is somewhat normal.) I don't want to talk badly about him to her, yet how to let her know what is real vs what is his crap?
He didn't say anything to her about lying to her, saying he was going for a walk and would be back shortly.
He lied about to her about going to a comedy club - he was at a freakling bar, our daughter might be only 11yo, but I wasn't born yesterday, he left the house at approx 8:30pm, when I talked to him at 9:10pm, he was already drunk sounding. Matter of fact he lied to the boys too, told them he was going for a walk.
If he was going to a comedy club with "a friend" why not just tell the kids that? Why not let them know where he was and with whom he was with?
Is it unreasonable to me to think that's what the right thing to do is?
Also, it is not her responsibility as an 11yo child to tell him she is uncomfortable with him leaving her to go out when she knows he is supposed to be there with her.
It is his responsibility as a parent to be there with his child and not put her in a position to have to act like the grown up.
UGH. I am so frustrated I dont even know if I'm getting my points across. Does anyone get what I'm trying to say?
Do I go to him everytime he tries to b-s/maniuplate our child and let him know he didn't handle the situation correctly yet again?
Like do I email him and say "thanks for talking to our child about what happened on Saturday night, however you didnt address the fact that you lied to her. and also, it is your responsibility as her parent to make sure your actions aren't causing her anxiety/fear/mistrust, not hers."
Gosh, there needs to be a handbook for these kinds of things!
he tells her "sorry for the drama the other night. *a friend* invited me to a comedy club." "if you felt uncomfortable staying with the boys you should have just told me and I wouldn't have left."
Okay......so he is clearly messing with her mind.
I don't know how to explain this to her. She freely comes to me with all of this, I am not going to her fishing for info. I want her to be able to come to me with whatever she wants, yet this is a fine line I'm walking.
Trying to balance reality for her vs. what daddy is feeding her/manipulating her with.
I don't want to make him out to be the bad guy (although she already knows this herself - she does not trust him at all, she is anxiety filled at his house, yet still wants to spend time with him. When she comes back from being with him, her behavior for me is bad - which I know is somewhat normal.) I don't want to talk badly about him to her, yet how to let her know what is real vs what is his crap?
He didn't say anything to her about lying to her, saying he was going for a walk and would be back shortly.
He lied about to her about going to a comedy club - he was at a freakling bar, our daughter might be only 11yo, but I wasn't born yesterday, he left the house at approx 8:30pm, when I talked to him at 9:10pm, he was already drunk sounding. Matter of fact he lied to the boys too, told them he was going for a walk.
If he was going to a comedy club with "a friend" why not just tell the kids that? Why not let them know where he was and with whom he was with?
Is it unreasonable to me to think that's what the right thing to do is?
Also, it is not her responsibility as an 11yo child to tell him she is uncomfortable with him leaving her to go out when she knows he is supposed to be there with her.
It is his responsibility as a parent to be there with his child and not put her in a position to have to act like the grown up.
UGH. I am so frustrated I dont even know if I'm getting my points across. Does anyone get what I'm trying to say?
Do I go to him everytime he tries to b-s/maniuplate our child and let him know he didn't handle the situation correctly yet again?
Like do I email him and say "thanks for talking to our child about what happened on Saturday night, however you didnt address the fact that you lied to her. and also, it is your responsibility as her parent to make sure your actions aren't causing her anxiety/fear/mistrust, not hers."
Gosh, there needs to be a handbook for these kinds of things!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I've found that the best thing I can do for my children is just listen to them and validate their feelings. As you said, she is no dummy. Trying to get him to be a better, more responsible parent, is much like trying to get him sober. You cannot.
One thing I have really worked on is trying to be more aware and in tune to what is going on with my children. I used to assume I knew what was bothering them based on external circumstances, and assumptions that the same things that bother me also bother them. Not true.
Now, instead of saying something like "are you upset about your dad leaving?" I will say something more open-ended, like "you seem upset, would you like to talk about it?" Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but at least I'm not putting words in their mouth or causing stress over something they weren't even stressed about to begin with.
I do agree with you about not allowing her to be in such a situation in the future. That will go a long way toward keeping the anxiety to a minimum. But, as far as talking to her about it, I would just be open, honest, and available. Let her know that you are available and that it's okay to feel however she's feeling. As an ACOA, one of the things I never got from either of my parents was a sense that my feelings were normal, valid, and okay.
L
One thing I have really worked on is trying to be more aware and in tune to what is going on with my children. I used to assume I knew what was bothering them based on external circumstances, and assumptions that the same things that bother me also bother them. Not true.
Now, instead of saying something like "are you upset about your dad leaving?" I will say something more open-ended, like "you seem upset, would you like to talk about it?" Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but at least I'm not putting words in their mouth or causing stress over something they weren't even stressed about to begin with.
I do agree with you about not allowing her to be in such a situation in the future. That will go a long way toward keeping the anxiety to a minimum. But, as far as talking to her about it, I would just be open, honest, and available. Let her know that you are available and that it's okay to feel however she's feeling. As an ACOA, one of the things I never got from either of my parents was a sense that my feelings were normal, valid, and okay.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Just because she wants to go visit him doesn't mean you need to agree with it.
He is putting her in danger with his lies and irresponsibility.
What happens if there's an emergency while he's off getting drunk? What if someone gets hurt, the house gets broken into, etc.? Will you still agree, at that point, that you had no choice in letting her see her dad?
BTW, are you keeping good documentation on this for your divorce? (not just SR, but a notebook detailing ALL of these lapses in judgment that endanger your children)
He is putting her in danger with his lies and irresponsibility.
What happens if there's an emergency while he's off getting drunk? What if someone gets hurt, the house gets broken into, etc.? Will you still agree, at that point, that you had no choice in letting her see her dad?
BTW, are you keeping good documentation on this for your divorce? (not just SR, but a notebook detailing ALL of these lapses in judgment that endanger your children)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Have you gotten her into counseling yet? That will help her understand her feelings and what she wants and what she can do with it being filtered by you, her father or anyone else. At her age she can indeed start understanding where she stands in all this and with the help of a counselor, learn what she can say and do to help herself.
Personally I would not allow my child to go over to an active As house, regardless of what the child wants, what the father wants. I would be working toward getting supervized visitation set up.
Personally I would not allow my child to go over to an active As house, regardless of what the child wants, what the father wants. I would be working toward getting supervized visitation set up.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Protect your daughter Strongerwoman, you are spot on with your thoughts on this.
Irrespective of the wants of your daughter and exAH, you need to do what is necessary to insure the safety of your little girl. I second the worst senario thoughts, he is leaving your daughter in a very dangerous position, and by allowing her to go there knowing he will very possibly go out and leave her alone, so are you. Take the decision process out of his hands, he is obviously not using it now.
Restrict times to a minimum, tell him he needs to show you by his actions that he can be trusted to take care of your daughter. I would remove all his parental responsibilities and make sure he knows he needs to regain his perental responsibilitites from you, don't know how the courts would look onto that though. Definately start with getting supervised access.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Irrespective of the wants of your daughter and exAH, you need to do what is necessary to insure the safety of your little girl. I second the worst senario thoughts, he is leaving your daughter in a very dangerous position, and by allowing her to go there knowing he will very possibly go out and leave her alone, so are you. Take the decision process out of his hands, he is obviously not using it now.
Restrict times to a minimum, tell him he needs to show you by his actions that he can be trusted to take care of your daughter. I would remove all his parental responsibilities and make sure he knows he needs to regain his perental responsibilitites from you, don't know how the courts would look onto that though. Definately start with getting supervised access.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Strongwoman a lot of great advice given above!
I would strongly IMHO worry about your daughter by limiting yes the vists to
day visits and no overnight (This was stated and I so agree!) Look into getting
supervised visits ASAP!
The welfare of your children are what is important right now-
Who cares who he is with and what he is doing honestly-what matters are
the children when in his care-
Please look into changing the routine ASAP!
I would also agree with documentation-by using a notebook to keep
everything written down-or even the computer (word document).
When I was little I was wrapped into the drama between 4 Adult parents (Children more
like it!) and the continued pressure of having to answer questions to my Mom after
visting my Dad-was to much drama for a child-Be gentle with your children and yourself.
Keep posting
I would strongly IMHO worry about your daughter by limiting yes the vists to
day visits and no overnight (This was stated and I so agree!) Look into getting
supervised visits ASAP!
The welfare of your children are what is important right now-
Who cares who he is with and what he is doing honestly-what matters are
the children when in his care-
Please look into changing the routine ASAP!
I would also agree with documentation-by using a notebook to keep
everything written down-or even the computer (word document).
When I was little I was wrapped into the drama between 4 Adult parents (Children more
like it!) and the continued pressure of having to answer questions to my Mom after
visting my Dad-was to much drama for a child-Be gentle with your children and yourself.
Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
I'm mainly typing this out here for my documentation purposes, and if anyone wants to comment, thats sure welcome too!
Today my 2nd youngest is 13 (OMG, another female teenager in the house!)
my two oldest girls are away being camp counselors which leaves my 13yo and 11yo daughters here with me this weekend.
I planned on spending the day with the birthday girl doing whatever she wanted, so my 11yo (daughter with stbxah) spent the later afternoon and early evening at her fathers. She is no longer allowed to spend the night at his house, but she'd be okay there as two of her brothers were there along with her being able to spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen in a week. He was all for seeing her.
When I dopped her off, stbxah is all peppy and friendly to me like nothing ever happened and says "hey hollywood (referring to me wearing those sunglasses I posted about finally buying myself) how are you today? how are things?"
I'm thinking "how are things a$$h*le? how do you think they are? not as good as things will be once I divorce your pathetic butt!" instead I can't even look at him because if I do, Ill just want to grab the cast iron skillet from his kitchen and so I just respond in an emotionaless, uninterested way and say "things are fine, doing good" I tell daughter goodbye and leave.
So, at 9pm I go to stbxah to pick up the 11yo. Well, he isn't there....surprise, surprise. Daughter says "daddy went for a walk he'll be back in a few mins."
Okay, I think he walked down to the gas station to get a pack of cigs or something. So, we wait about 15 mins.
I call him, and ask him where he was, he says I'll call you back and then hangs up. Okay then......Meanwhile our daughter tells me that she thought it was funny that he got all dressed up to go for a walk, tells me that he put on the nice blue dress shirt I had bought him, had shined his boots, and was wearing cologne. She is no dummy. I said, yeah, that does sound a little weird, doesn't it.
She tells me: "he said he was going for a walk but he probably called a cab and had them pick him up at the gas station so I wouldn't see.
Or he is with J (OW), he is probably with her."
Smart cookie she is.
So we wait another 15 mins. I call him on his cell, rings and rings then goes to voice mail.
I am mad by now since he has *left our daughter there again* to go to the bars, and has lied to her again. And she knows it.
Jeeze, he couldn't wait until I got there to get her huh? It was only 9pm and she said he'd be gone about 30 mins! Granted he knows I was coming to get her and she wouldnt be there all night, but sheesh, I know it makes me daughter feel terrible.
I ask her two 1/2 brothers (one of them the disabled one, the other is the OW's son who is there) if they know where he went, they said he told them he was going for a walk and didn't know where or when he'd be back.
We waited because daughter wanted to tell her dad goodbye and goodnight.
Finally I told her we needed to leave and she could call her dad when we got back home if she wanted.
As we are walking out the door he calls back. So, I'm mad and ask him "where the hell are you?" he tells me that where he is is none of my business. I tell him that I think it is my business when he is supposed to be there with our daughter. He hangs up on me.
Whatever.
So we drive home. When I check my calls on the phone I see that I just missed him calling by two minutes.
So, I call him (which I shouldnt have done, curiosity got the best of me), he answers and I say "did you need something when you called just now?"
He says "well, I'm here, I'm home now. I say okay........thats what you called to tell me? He then gets all hateful sounding and yells at me "I'm moving as far the f**k away from you as I can!" screams it at me in a tone of voice that he has never used on me in the 14 years we've been together. I have no idea where that came from, totally out of left field - like he is the one who has the reasons to have to move away from me! Like I am the one abandoning my spouse and children, lying and cheating, refusing to get help, ect.......Umm.....okay.....sure......
I say "ummmm.......okay" and then he hangs up.
OMG, and he claims I'm the crazy one?! Personality change much?
Things are really changing quickly with him, its weird.
But thats okay, the more he acts like a complete immature, sick moron, the easier it is for me to accept the fact that a divorce is my only option. I've taken my rose colored glasses off for good and wow......he can have his skanky husband stealer chick, he can have his alcohol and pot (and I'm thinking he's moved on to other drugs, though can't be sure), he can have his midlife crisis freedom, all of it. Because its all disgusting and insane and I am done with it. Stick a fork in me, I am D-O-N-E.
There is no way I am allowing myself to be drawn back into that insanity, only to be heartbroken once again. No way. What a freaking mess.
Today my 2nd youngest is 13 (OMG, another female teenager in the house!)
my two oldest girls are away being camp counselors which leaves my 13yo and 11yo daughters here with me this weekend.
I planned on spending the day with the birthday girl doing whatever she wanted, so my 11yo (daughter with stbxah) spent the later afternoon and early evening at her fathers. She is no longer allowed to spend the night at his house, but she'd be okay there as two of her brothers were there along with her being able to spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen in a week. He was all for seeing her.
When I dopped her off, stbxah is all peppy and friendly to me like nothing ever happened and says "hey hollywood (referring to me wearing those sunglasses I posted about finally buying myself) how are you today? how are things?"
I'm thinking "how are things a$$h*le? how do you think they are? not as good as things will be once I divorce your pathetic butt!" instead I can't even look at him because if I do, Ill just want to grab the cast iron skillet from his kitchen and
so I just respond in an emotionaless, uninterested way and say "things are fine, doing good" I tell daughter goodbye and leave.So, at 9pm I go to stbxah to pick up the 11yo. Well, he isn't there....surprise, surprise. Daughter says "daddy went for a walk he'll be back in a few mins."
Okay, I think he walked down to the gas station to get a pack of cigs or something. So, we wait about 15 mins.
I call him, and ask him where he was, he says I'll call you back and then hangs up. Okay then......Meanwhile our daughter tells me that she thought it was funny that he got all dressed up to go for a walk, tells me that he put on the nice blue dress shirt I had bought him, had shined his boots, and was wearing cologne. She is no dummy. I said, yeah, that does sound a little weird, doesn't it.
She tells me: "he said he was going for a walk but he probably called a cab and had them pick him up at the gas station so I wouldn't see.
Or he is with J (OW), he is probably with her."
Smart cookie she is.
So we wait another 15 mins. I call him on his cell, rings and rings then goes to voice mail.
I am mad by now since he has *left our daughter there again* to go to the bars, and has lied to her again. And she knows it.
Jeeze, he couldn't wait until I got there to get her huh? It was only 9pm and she said he'd be gone about 30 mins! Granted he knows I was coming to get her and she wouldnt be there all night, but sheesh, I know it makes me daughter feel terrible.
I ask her two 1/2 brothers (one of them the disabled one, the other is the OW's son who is there) if they know where he went, they said he told them he was going for a walk and didn't know where or when he'd be back.
We waited because daughter wanted to tell her dad goodbye and goodnight.
Finally I told her we needed to leave and she could call her dad when we got back home if she wanted.
As we are walking out the door he calls back. So, I'm mad and ask him "where the hell are you?" he tells me that where he is is none of my business. I tell him that I think it is my business when he is supposed to be there with our daughter. He hangs up on me.
Whatever.
So we drive home. When I check my calls on the phone I see that I just missed him calling by two minutes.
So, I call him (which I shouldnt have done, curiosity got the best of me), he answers and I say "did you need something when you called just now?"
He says "well, I'm here, I'm home now. I say okay........thats what you called to tell me? He then gets all hateful sounding and yells at me "I'm moving as far the f**k away from you as I can!" screams it at me in a tone of voice that he has never used on me in the 14 years we've been together. I have no idea where that came from, totally out of left field - like he is the one who has the reasons to have to move away from me! Like I am the one abandoning my spouse and children, lying and cheating, refusing to get help, ect.......Umm.....okay.....sure......
I say "ummmm.......okay" and then he hangs up.
OMG, and he claims I'm the crazy one?! Personality change much?
Things are really changing quickly with him, its weird.
But thats okay, the more he acts like a complete immature, sick moron, the easier it is for me to accept the fact that a divorce is my only option. I've taken my rose colored glasses off for good and wow......he can have his skanky husband stealer chick, he can have his alcohol and pot (and I'm thinking he's moved on to other drugs, though can't be sure), he can have his midlife crisis freedom, all of it. Because its all disgusting and insane and I am done with it. Stick a fork in me, I am D-O-N-E.
There is no way I am allowing myself to be drawn back into that insanity, only to be heartbroken once again. No way. What a freaking mess.
I am so sorry if this sounds rude or judgemental. I just feel like you both should try and keep the drama to a minimum and worry abou the mental and emoitonal well being of your kids. They should be most important.:sorry
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
Why do you keep putting your kids in this mans care when he constantly lets them down and leaves them home alone? It is sad to me that your children are in the middle of all this drama. They see it all and soak it all up like sponges. If he wants to see her or any of your children together have him to come to your house or some other neutral ground. Your children should be the most important thing and it seems they are getting sucked in even if they don't want to.
I am so sorry if this sounds rude or judgemental. I just feel like you both should try and keep the drama to a minimum and worry abou the mental and emoitonal well being of your kids. They should be most important.:sorry
I am so sorry if this sounds rude or judgemental. I just feel like you both should try and keep the drama to a minimum and worry abou the mental and emoitonal well being of your kids. They should be most important.:sorry
The first time he left our daughter alone, I thought it was agreed that it wouldn't happen again.
I mistakenly believed he wouldnt do it again. And he did. So now its no more overnights.
This last incident where he left at 8:30pm with her 16 & 18yo half brothers was yet another step in the "I can't believe you did that - you've hit a new low!" catagory.
So lessons learned.
Now I feel I can't trust him at all with our daughter.
Its hard because so many times he is good with her and does act responsibily, however it is obvious that things are changing with him, responsibility-wise and he only has his interests at heart.
His apt is the only place she can have contact with her half brothers and sister, so it is difficult to find a way to allow her to spend time with him and her siblings.
He won't come here to visit with her and I dont want him in the house to tell you the truth.
After the first time he had left her alone at his apt late at night to go out to the bars, I went off on him about it and told him he wouldn't be seeing her anywhere but here.
He responded that it was complete b*ll$hit on my part and I was using our daughter to get back at him.
So, as it stands now since he has proven to be completely untrustworthy and irresponsible, I am going to talk to him and tell him he is basically relieved of all parenting responsibilities concerning our daughter or his stepdaughters.
That I feel its best that he set a day on the weekend to take our daughter out and spend some time with her for a few hours *not drinking and not down at the river, not with the OW, and not with his drinking buddies* but spending a few hours solely with her, unless the other siblings want to be included too, thats fine. Then he can return her home and go about his business.
I dont know a better solution. Keeping her from him completely is not an ideal option.
If anyone has any better solutions, please speak up, I'm all ears.
My daughter did ask me the other night after she was told that her dad and I are divorcing, if that meant there would be a custody fight over her. In told her there wouldnt be a custody fight, that she would continue to live with me. She then asked if that meant her dad would just get visitation and I told her yes and she said "okay, good." Then she asked if that meant she HAD to go everytime she was supposed to go and I told her that if she ever felt uncomfortable and didnt want to go, to tell me and she wouldn't have to go, that I would settle it with her dad. (truthfully it might hurt his feelings for a little bit but then he'd be glad to be relieved of child duties)
She said, "good, cause sometimes I dont like to go there, sometimes I am uncomfortable and scared, especially when he isnt there."
I most certainly AM trying to keep the drama the kids are exposed to to a minimum, and of course the emotional and physical wellbeing of my kids is the most important.
Maybe I'm not expressing that enough here, seems I really get a hard time about it.
Its only very recently that stbxah has started this behavior when my daughter visits him, so its brand new and I'm learning like we all do.
Any interaction I have with him nowadays I try to do through email. Which the kids arent privy to, any phone calls are in private as much as possible, I'll walk outside or into another room with the phone.
I really am trying to keep it as drama-free as possible for the kids.
I'm an ACOA and my home was filled to the brim with drama when I was a child, so
I definitely know what is it like, and I definitely dont want that for my kids.
They of course do hear and see some things, its impossible to totally shield them from everything, but I certainly try!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Strongerwoman: I so feel for you! I'm in the same boat. My STBXAH does good with the boys when he has them, but currently, all visitation occurs either in my home or in his parents' home. He does not have a job right now, so he doesn't have a place to have them stay. All that said, my lawyer has requested that we include supervised overnights in my divorce complaint, i.e. any overnights will be at his parents' house. This is to protect from several things: 1) making sure he has suitable housing once he is employed again, 2) that there are not inappropriate individuals staying with him when they are there (no slack room-mates, etc.), and 3) that he isn't drinking when they are there.
Our hearing is scheduled for Monday, and STBXAH is just NOW taking a look at the paperwork. So, he's freaking out now about the supervised visits. Thinks I'm being a biotch for insinuating that he would *dare* drink when they are around. Oh...I'm sorry...you've been lying about drinking for the last 6 months, you got a DUI, you've been drunk in the house MANY times when they were here (and just because I'm there is no excuse for that behavior).
It is a horrible position to be placed in. You want to let your kids have a relationship, but you can't put them at risk. Talk to your lawyer. You can request supervised visits. You can request certain conditions to be met at his home, namely that he is in attendance at ALL times, she not be left in the care of others without notifying you, etc.
As mentioned above, document every visit, and every incident. You will need proof to get the visitation modified. (((HUGS))) Thinking of you!
Our hearing is scheduled for Monday, and STBXAH is just NOW taking a look at the paperwork. So, he's freaking out now about the supervised visits. Thinks I'm being a biotch for insinuating that he would *dare* drink when they are around. Oh...I'm sorry...you've been lying about drinking for the last 6 months, you got a DUI, you've been drunk in the house MANY times when they were here (and just because I'm there is no excuse for that behavior).
It is a horrible position to be placed in. You want to let your kids have a relationship, but you can't put them at risk. Talk to your lawyer. You can request supervised visits. You can request certain conditions to be met at his home, namely that he is in attendance at ALL times, she not be left in the care of others without notifying you, etc.
As mentioned above, document every visit, and every incident. You will need proof to get the visitation modified. (((HUGS))) Thinking of you!
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