Recovery home wasn't a good fit
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Recovery home wasn't a good fit
I got a call earlier today from my RAD's recovery home. Seems she left something on the stove late last night and it got smokey. The fire alarm went off and they're kicking her out. The director said it's a safety issue. There was an incident a couple of weeks ago that caused her judgment to be questioned so the kitchen incident was the proverbial straw, I guess.
This place isn't a true halfway house, it's a 3/4 house, and she probably needs more structure than they give. They expect things to run smoothly and she isn't there yet. Residents are pretty much on their own.
I'm not mad or even disappointed. I understand it is what it is. After talking with the director twice today, I'm more than happy to get her out of there.
In the first phone call he wanted me to tell her but not until we pick her up tomorrow, because people typically react badly in these situations. I told him I'm not supposed to cause or prevent a crisis and I needed some time to think. He also gave me two referrals.
I called her rehab and the first thing they said was, it's HIS job to tell her and he shouldn't be asking me to do it. They also told me his referrals were for treatment centers and further inpatient treatment was never their recommendation.
I called him back, told him the situation is between him and her so they had to handle it without me. Then when he said "since you're giving the job to me" I interrupted and told him I can't give it to him because it already belongs to him. WTF??? He also said she never really committed to the program and I reminded him she committed to THE program, but is unable to commit to HIS, and it's in everyone's best interest to remain focused on THE program.
Anyway, he's going to tell her tomorrow morning when we're on the road and our little family is going along for moral support. I think her best friend may ride with us, too. We all want to stress what is good about this: it's an opportunity to find something better suited to HER needs.
One door is closing but there's a whole lot of other doors to knock on
This place isn't a true halfway house, it's a 3/4 house, and she probably needs more structure than they give. They expect things to run smoothly and she isn't there yet. Residents are pretty much on their own.
I'm not mad or even disappointed. I understand it is what it is. After talking with the director twice today, I'm more than happy to get her out of there.
In the first phone call he wanted me to tell her but not until we pick her up tomorrow, because people typically react badly in these situations. I told him I'm not supposed to cause or prevent a crisis and I needed some time to think. He also gave me two referrals.
I called her rehab and the first thing they said was, it's HIS job to tell her and he shouldn't be asking me to do it. They also told me his referrals were for treatment centers and further inpatient treatment was never their recommendation.
I called him back, told him the situation is between him and her so they had to handle it without me. Then when he said "since you're giving the job to me" I interrupted and told him I can't give it to him because it already belongs to him. WTF??? He also said she never really committed to the program and I reminded him she committed to THE program, but is unable to commit to HIS, and it's in everyone's best interest to remain focused on THE program.
Anyway, he's going to tell her tomorrow morning when we're on the road and our little family is going along for moral support. I think her best friend may ride with us, too. We all want to stress what is good about this: it's an opportunity to find something better suited to HER needs.
One door is closing but there's a whole lot of other doors to knock on
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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Good for you Chino in acting rather than reacting! I like how you handled the situation. It sounds like her HP has a plan for next steps in her recovery journey. Thanks for being there to support her choices; I am sure she is very grateful for your love and support.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
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I agree!!! Your daughter needs to be surrounded by strength right now so she doesn't get discouraged. Sounds like you are doing just what you need, and just what she needs in one swoop.
Keep us posted.
*hugs and prayers*
Keep us posted.
*hugs and prayers*
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Chino, I work in a recovery home and we try very hard, right from the beginning, to make sure that we are a good fit with the client's needs. Most times that works, but sometimes it just isn't the right program for someone...and here's my point...that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the client, it just means that the type of program we offer is not the one that best suits their requirement.
Don't give up, there are many good programs out there and one of them will be just right for your daughter.
Hugs and prayers for a good day today for all of you.
Don't give up, there are many good programs out there and one of them will be just right for your daughter.
Hugs and prayers for a good day today for all of you.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chino)))
Wow! You handled that great!!! I agree with Ann and the others...not every program is right for everyone. Actually it sounds like the counselor is pretty rigid BUT wants YOU to do his "dirty work". Good for you for making him do his job.
Hugs and prayers that you find the right place for her!
Amy
Wow! You handled that great!!! I agree with Ann and the others...not every program is right for everyone. Actually it sounds like the counselor is pretty rigid BUT wants YOU to do his "dirty work". Good for you for making him do his job.
Hugs and prayers that you find the right place for her!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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Sending prayers that your daughter finds a program that fits her needs. I know that my daughter has her moments of forgetfulness and it sounds like the staff there is not taking that into account with your daughter. The place that my daughter is staying gives a few chances as long as the addicts are not using and are honestly trying. They have behavioral contracts for those who are struggling. They have daily group house meetings and weekly one on one counselling sessions, if the addict is not working they must do 15 hours a week volunteer work and they must be in some kind of an outpatient program and attend NA or AA meetings 5 times weekly. It has structure but it also gives them freedom to make good choices in a safe environment. It is working so far for Megan. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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A french fry fell off the cookie sheet, then caught fire on the bottom of the oven. One single french fry and I'm eternally grateful for that fry.
I called the director after I got on the road and asked him a very simple question about my daughter. He decided to give me every thought and feeling he had instead of a direct answer, so I very politely asked him again for a concrete answer to a very specific question. That's when I decided he's in love with the sound of his own voice. Then I had that aha! moment: he's a professional speaker and is used to talking at people, not with him.
I spent the rest of the drive thinking about it, figuring if he has communication problems with me, it has to be worse for any resident whose brain chemistry is in flux. Turns out my instincts were not only spot on, but it was worse than I expected.
Last week he cussed out my daughter in front of the other girls. They confirmed this to me today, every single one of them. Why? Because she didn't understand something and he wasn't being clear. Instead of taking her question at face value, he assumed motive and that's when he cussed her out. She lost all respect for him at that point.
Two weeks ago he thought some of them were using illegal substances. Instead of testing them, he screamed and cussed at them. One of the young ladies told her mother and the mom gave her advice on how to handle it if it ever came up again. I told them if they ever found themselves in a bad situation with him again, to call their parents and their rehabs, ask for advice on how to handle it.
For some reason or another he chose not to be there today when we picked up my daughter. It's a good thing because after hearing about the disrespect substantiated by all of them, I probably would have gone medieval on him.
To make matters more interesting, the director of client services has pin ***** pupils, even after 15 minutes in a dark hallway. I studied his eyes in different lighting and they never changed. The alarm bells rang in my head because that's exactly what my daughter's eyes used to look like.
I'm just glad she's out of there and we're meeting with her counselor from rehab this week. She's 100% committed to recovery and wants to find another recovery house ASAP. She was home long enough to change her clothes and went to an NA meeting.
Thank you God for that french fry.
I called the director after I got on the road and asked him a very simple question about my daughter. He decided to give me every thought and feeling he had instead of a direct answer, so I very politely asked him again for a concrete answer to a very specific question. That's when I decided he's in love with the sound of his own voice. Then I had that aha! moment: he's a professional speaker and is used to talking at people, not with him.
I spent the rest of the drive thinking about it, figuring if he has communication problems with me, it has to be worse for any resident whose brain chemistry is in flux. Turns out my instincts were not only spot on, but it was worse than I expected.
Last week he cussed out my daughter in front of the other girls. They confirmed this to me today, every single one of them. Why? Because she didn't understand something and he wasn't being clear. Instead of taking her question at face value, he assumed motive and that's when he cussed her out. She lost all respect for him at that point.
Two weeks ago he thought some of them were using illegal substances. Instead of testing them, he screamed and cussed at them. One of the young ladies told her mother and the mom gave her advice on how to handle it if it ever came up again. I told them if they ever found themselves in a bad situation with him again, to call their parents and their rehabs, ask for advice on how to handle it.
For some reason or another he chose not to be there today when we picked up my daughter. It's a good thing because after hearing about the disrespect substantiated by all of them, I probably would have gone medieval on him.
To make matters more interesting, the director of client services has pin ***** pupils, even after 15 minutes in a dark hallway. I studied his eyes in different lighting and they never changed. The alarm bells rang in my head because that's exactly what my daughter's eyes used to look like.
I'm just glad she's out of there and we're meeting with her counselor from rehab this week. She's 100% committed to recovery and wants to find another recovery house ASAP. She was home long enough to change her clothes and went to an NA meeting.
Thank you God for that french fry.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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That is really a shame, not only or your daughter but for how many other kids there.
I would be documeting everything and dashing off letters to everyone. Just my two cents.
I am happy your daughter is out of there also.
I would be documeting everything and dashing off letters to everyone. Just my two cents.
I am happy your daughter is out of there also.
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Thank you for the laugh Done, I needed it!
beegee, one of my first questions with rehab will be where do I go to file a complaint? Even if it's just the BBB, it's better than nothing. There is something fundamentally wrong and I can't turn a blind eye to it.
beegee, one of my first questions with rehab will be where do I go to file a complaint? Even if it's just the BBB, it's better than nothing. There is something fundamentally wrong and I can't turn a blind eye to it.
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(((Chino)))
I agree..thank God for the french fry!!! I have a lot of faith in you...you will find a way to "complain" about him and it will be heard! I just hate that the other girls are having to go through it.
Another thing...if he is a licensed counselor, you can file a complaint with his licensing board. I know we're supposed to keep "hands off the addict" and their situations, but it sounds like he is not HELPING those trying to recover, but hindering him.
Good for your daughter...sounds like she's caught the "recovery bug"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree..thank God for the french fry!!! I have a lot of faith in you...you will find a way to "complain" about him and it will be heard! I just hate that the other girls are having to go through it.
Another thing...if he is a licensed counselor, you can file a complaint with his licensing board. I know we're supposed to keep "hands off the addict" and their situations, but it sounds like he is not HELPING those trying to recover, but hindering him.
Good for your daughter...sounds like she's caught the "recovery bug"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
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I have to commend your daughter, too, for coming home and going straight back out to a NA meeting. Some addicts would have taken all of this as an excuse to relapse. I'm so glad that she's learned there are other options.
I hope you do find someone to report that last place to... no one deserves to be treated like that.
I hope you do find someone to report that last place to... no one deserves to be treated like that.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
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My daughter was in a sober/halfway house that was similar. At first I thought it was her, but when I saw w/ my own eyes I knew. Come to find out a couple of months ago, the place has been closed down, taken by the state and the 'owner' is in trouble for taxes, house payments and drugs!
Sounds like the french fry may have been a good thing.
Prayers,
susan
Sounds like the french fry may have been a good thing.
Prayers,
susan
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I never thought to ask a recovery home what they expect from themselves and their staff. My first question is practical, how much does it cost? My second question should have been what should a resident expect from you? You live and you learn. I'll be very specific from here on out in asking if cussing out residents is considered acceptable. If we're not supposed to do something, neither should they. I know they're human but a level of professionalism is expected.
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