im soooo very sorry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
im soooo very sorry
Well....hit the bottom of the barrel yesterday....Im very sorry and very ashamed and embarassed....Ive been on quite the binge lately...Ive been absent from sr...having a rough time with everything in my life....and it all came crashing down on me yesterday....I dont remember driving down my street...dont remember crashing into my neighbors fence....next thing I remember are the flashing lights....my oldest and youngest daughters in the yard watching me fail the sobriety test....on of my family friends for 20 years ( a cop) standing watch as I was cuffed and arrested with a DUI....the trip to the police station...they were very nice....I blew a .25 I have a temp permit to drive for 30 days....then I have a court date... Im calling when I get done here to an Assante rehab facility to ask for a consultation....my husband has already called the insurance....30 days I need to go away for .... I dont want to go to jail....Im such a failure...I havent been able to quit crying...Im so ashamed...My girls will never look at me the same....It's the worst thing ever...and yet Im hoping it will be the best thing....
Luckily my girls were not in the car....and no one was on the street...I have to be thankful....
What a freaking idiot...I thought I was so invincible....and it all crashed around me....
Im sorry friends....and I know sorry doesnt cut it...doesnt fix it....
I just ruined my life....OMG what Have I done?????/
Luckily my girls were not in the car....and no one was on the street...I have to be thankful....
What a freaking idiot...I thought I was so invincible....and it all crashed around me....
Im sorry friends....and I know sorry doesnt cut it...doesnt fix it....
I just ruined my life....OMG what Have I done?????/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
I am so sick about the whole thing, alcohol is the last thing from my mind at this moment...it's all I caan do to keep from throwing up right now, Im sooooo flipping embarassed and sick about the whole thing....how could I have been so stupid???
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
Hi lostgirl,
I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, but I think you are on the right track when you say it may be the "best" thing. Of course it's a bad situation, but maybe it will be your turning point. If you are going to rehab that's a step in the right direction for you, and hopefully the courts will see that too.
Good luck to you, keep us posted.
I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, but I think you are on the right track when you say it may be the "best" thing. Of course it's a bad situation, but maybe it will be your turning point. If you are going to rehab that's a step in the right direction for you, and hopefully the courts will see that too.
Good luck to you, keep us posted.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Thankfully no one was injured or killed
It could have been a more tragic situation.
You might consider going to AA
while you are waiting for a rehab space.
Blessings to you and your family
It could have been a more tragic situation.
You might consider going to AA
while you are waiting for a rehab space.
Blessings to you and your family
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Lostgirl, this is where your life takes a turn for the better. Good things will come out of this embarassing moment in time. Your family will respect & admire you as they see you getting well and living a good life - they'll see you can be counted on and trusted. All your girls need is for you to be a kind and loving sober mom, not a saint. You'll be holding your head up high once again. We'll be with you on your journey. Love, Joanie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
Hi Lost...
I am sorry that your rock bottom happened that way. But on the other hand, last week a beautiful 3 year old was killed when a drunk driver jumped the curb, went into her yard where she was playing and pinned her to the fence. she died instantly. The driver of that car I'm sure never meant to leave the house and kill a child, but it happened, and there's no going back now. I am so glad that no one got hurt in your accident, and I sure hope you use this second chance to get help for it.
I don't say any of that to make you feel worse, just to make sure that you're going to use this opportunity to change your life. I have been where you are, only it was drugs I was on (but still impaired) and I was very lucky as well not to hurt anyone. I know you're hurting, but as long as you use this as a changing point - I'm sure it will get better for you.
I agree that I'm sure your kids were upset by it, but I"m sure they don't hate you. They are likely more worried, and by showing them how bad things got and that you are willing to do anything to change - you will be giving them a great gift.
Just show them how strong you really are.
I wish you well.
I am sorry that your rock bottom happened that way. But on the other hand, last week a beautiful 3 year old was killed when a drunk driver jumped the curb, went into her yard where she was playing and pinned her to the fence. she died instantly. The driver of that car I'm sure never meant to leave the house and kill a child, but it happened, and there's no going back now. I am so glad that no one got hurt in your accident, and I sure hope you use this second chance to get help for it.
I don't say any of that to make you feel worse, just to make sure that you're going to use this opportunity to change your life. I have been where you are, only it was drugs I was on (but still impaired) and I was very lucky as well not to hurt anyone. I know you're hurting, but as long as you use this as a changing point - I'm sure it will get better for you.
I agree that I'm sure your kids were upset by it, but I"m sure they don't hate you. They are likely more worried, and by showing them how bad things got and that you are willing to do anything to change - you will be giving them a great gift.
Just show them how strong you really are.
I wish you well.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"I just ruined my life....OMG what Have I done?????/"
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
What have you done? Well... I think maybe you just had the revelation necessary to quit drinking. But - only time will tell.
You are very upset & remorseful right now - never forget how you feel right now. Because 6 months from now if you forget... you might be inclined to repeat it all over again.
Moving on, just for today.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
What have you done? Well... I think maybe you just had the revelation necessary to quit drinking. But - only time will tell.
You are very upset & remorseful right now - never forget how you feel right now. Because 6 months from now if you forget... you might be inclined to repeat it all over again.
Moving on, just for today.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
THis could be a blessing in disguise, as much as it doesn't seem like a blessing at all. It could be your wake up call and you were blessed that no one was hurt in the accident. Use this time wisely, to better yourself, to stop drinking for good, to strengthen your 'mommy' abilities, to grow into a better you.
It's hard to see the good in this but I think it may have been what was needed to change your direction in life. You are not alone in the long journey into sobriety. We are all here with you.
:ghug3
It's hard to see the good in this but I think it may have been what was needed to change your direction in life. You are not alone in the long journey into sobriety. We are all here with you.
:ghug3
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
hi lostgirl,
sorry for the pain you are and will be going through for some time. and like has been said on the thread, don't ever *not remember* these days of your life. remember the feelings especially, and your actions around them. and remember your sadness, and your remorse. your suffering and the hurts and pains of those around you dealing with this with you as well. remembering will bring acceptance and that will bring healing.
i have been drunk and drove myself. i have been drunk and been a passenger which is just as guilty if the driver, my drinking buddy of that day, is drunk as well. many, many of us are just as guilty as you are feeling now. some of us more lucky. some of us not. my sister died from a drunk driver back in 1972 just run over as she walked her bike along the road. she was just 6 years old. i could have been a drunk driver that killed another child later myself. just imagine.
i was already a drunk by then at 15. did it stop me? no. i didn't remember the awful pain because i just kept drinking to escape it. within a short while my brother and i drunk totalled our father's new car. could have been more deaths. how stupid of me. it easily could have been me in your shoes or even the drunk who sadly runs over little children. any of us who have ever drove [even once is all it takes to kill] and been drunk or drugged could be where you are today. any of us. we all share the guilt.
and with the acceptance of the guilt comes a healing i have found to be a true healing. a loving grace which does not hide the guilt or change it but entirely removes it, replaced with such gratitude and deep humilty for the forgiveness of the many acts of wrongness we all have done to ourselves and to others. and the memories remain clearly intact and well remembered.
so please be kind to yourself, lostgirl. love for yourself and for others will save you, and others, from this horror. please forget and letgo of the self hate as gracefully, as quickly, and as happily as you can.
thank you for such a powerful post, lostgirl. it helped me to remember my own backyard.
Robby
:praying
sorry for the pain you are and will be going through for some time. and like has been said on the thread, don't ever *not remember* these days of your life. remember the feelings especially, and your actions around them. and remember your sadness, and your remorse. your suffering and the hurts and pains of those around you dealing with this with you as well. remembering will bring acceptance and that will bring healing.
i have been drunk and drove myself. i have been drunk and been a passenger which is just as guilty if the driver, my drinking buddy of that day, is drunk as well. many, many of us are just as guilty as you are feeling now. some of us more lucky. some of us not. my sister died from a drunk driver back in 1972 just run over as she walked her bike along the road. she was just 6 years old. i could have been a drunk driver that killed another child later myself. just imagine.
i was already a drunk by then at 15. did it stop me? no. i didn't remember the awful pain because i just kept drinking to escape it. within a short while my brother and i drunk totalled our father's new car. could have been more deaths. how stupid of me. it easily could have been me in your shoes or even the drunk who sadly runs over little children. any of us who have ever drove [even once is all it takes to kill] and been drunk or drugged could be where you are today. any of us. we all share the guilt.
and with the acceptance of the guilt comes a healing i have found to be a true healing. a loving grace which does not hide the guilt or change it but entirely removes it, replaced with such gratitude and deep humilty for the forgiveness of the many acts of wrongness we all have done to ourselves and to others. and the memories remain clearly intact and well remembered.
so please be kind to yourself, lostgirl. love for yourself and for others will save you, and others, from this horror. please forget and letgo of the self hate as gracefully, as quickly, and as happily as you can.
thank you for such a powerful post, lostgirl. it helped me to remember my own backyard.
Robby
:praying
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi Lostgirl,
I understand how low you feel and that sorry won't cut it.
Show yourself and your family that you are changing. hat's the best thing you can do at this point. Begin to move forward with your recovery.
I understand how low you feel and that sorry won't cut it.
Show yourself and your family that you are changing. hat's the best thing you can do at this point. Begin to move forward with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
You have a lot to deal with. I will share with you the advice I was given when I relapsed, go to a meeting now! I had no good excuse for relapsing so I had no good reason to not go to a mtg. Your actions will speak louder than any words. Repairing the fence you destroyed may be a good start for today. A meeting will take an hour and a half of your day, what will you do with the rest? Stop beating yourself up, what is done is done. Today you have a chance to start afresh.,please don't waste it. I will be thinking of you and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Grants Pass, Oregon
Posts: 137
Lostgirl, what a terrible and humiliating exoerience you have endured. I'm sure you re-live it over and over in your mind. Obviously you can't erase the memories of what your daughters witnessed, but they will also be witnesses to the consesquences (fines, loss of license, community service, higher insurance rates etc) It is a horrible experience for you (and you and your husband) to live through but it may be the only thing which truly sinks into your teenage daughters heads. They have seen the real thing enacted in front of God and everybody. I'm sure you have hugged them and your husband and apologized for what they will have to go through with you. As for your neighbors, some of them could be closet drinkers and later approach you quietly to sympathize. I'm so very sorry this happened, but many people experience this 2-3 times before they "get it." You sound intelligent and educated so just hang in there, do whatever the court system tells you to do with a smile (very difficult). If your oldest daughter is of age, she may already have been drinking and driving. God Bless You.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 30
Sorry that happened, but I agree it could be the best thing which could have happened (esp, as no-one was hurt). Try to see it that way, as a strong message from your Higher Power/Self, something which makes you have to deal with your substance abuse and turn your life around.
It is possible to transform the guilt and shame of your children witnessing this low point into a wonderful chance to be their hero; to set an example of falling down and then getting back up, admitting your mistakes, and overcoming.
I wish you all the best in this rough time.
It is possible to transform the guilt and shame of your children witnessing this low point into a wonderful chance to be their hero; to set an example of falling down and then getting back up, admitting your mistakes, and overcoming.
I wish you all the best in this rough time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
Lost,
I hope you're doing a little better today.
I just wanted to mention one more thing about your second post.........
you are NOT stupid.
you are an alcoholic.
The more you think about and believe that first sentence, the harder it will be to change the second one.
hope you're doing ok. It does get better.
I hope you're doing a little better today.
I just wanted to mention one more thing about your second post.........
you are NOT stupid.
you are an alcoholic.
The more you think about and believe that first sentence, the harder it will be to change the second one.
hope you're doing ok. It does get better.
"Welcome To The Future..."
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WV
Posts: 224
LG,
Hi sweetie. We've been friends for awhile now, and I knew when you stopped showing up in chat that something was up. There is one thing I want you to stop doing, my friend, and it is this: Quit apologizing to US! We don't need your apologies. We are friends here to support you. You have not let us down. Take responsibility for what has happened. I agree with what others here said in that this could be your awakening. Your chance to get cleaned up and start over with a clean slate. I am sorry that you had to hit a bottom before this happened. But for many of us, this is what it takes. It is what it took for me!
Keep us posted sweetie on what is going on. I'm glad you're going to do the inpatient rehab. I think it may be the best thing for you. Be thankful you have a good family and friends who are going to help you along. I know it is easy for me to say this, but please don't think that your daughter's don't love or respect you anymore. They still love their mom, even if they may be angry at the moment. Their respect for you will increase so much once they see that you are taking steps to sober up, to be the mom that they deserve.
You're going to make it darling! I have a good feeling about it. We'll always be right here supporting you along the way. Stop in chat sometime soon. There'll be lots of hugs for you in there! Stay strong and don't quit fighting! Take care of yourself right now--it's the most important thing you can do at this point for you and your family!
Love you,
butterfly19 (SP)
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Klynn33 
Lost,
I hope you're doing a little better today.
I just wanted to mention one more thing about your second post.........
you are NOT stupid.
you are an alcoholic.
The more you think about and believe that first sentence, the harder it will be to change the second one.
hope you're doing ok. It does get better.
I hope you're doing a little better today.
I just wanted to mention one more thing about your second post.........
you are NOT stupid.
you are an alcoholic.
The more you think about and believe that first sentence, the harder it will be to change the second one.
hope you're doing ok. It does get better.
oh yay Klynn!! now that is so well said!!
very smooooth and i luv it... !!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
two of my dearest friends came to visit me today...one of them has 15 years and the other 20 years sobriety...they brought me a Big Book....the current AA schedule...we talked for several hours...Im going with them to my first meeting tonite at 7..... One of the beautiful women gave me her one year coin to hold for a while...till I get one....I cried...we laughed...it was good for my husband to hear things that I had always said, comming from someone else...
Today is a better day.....
My poofy eyes are going away
One minute at a time
Today is a better day.....
My poofy eyes are going away
One minute at a time
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
lostgirl,
I am so sorry. I am in tears right now. Why? Because I was you 68 days ago. Only my daughter WAS in the car and the fence did not belong to my neighbor. But it did keep me from going over a 30 foot embankment. Oh my god, I still cringe on a daily basis. I still feel the pain, shame and blame SO deeply but ya know what? I have not had a drink since. You don't have to either!
I am so happy for you that you have women friends in recovery. That is such a blessing. I did not but I sure do now! A whole LOT of them! I was so desperate that I walked into 12 meetings that week (and I work full time). I was desperate to save my life. And I am now on my way. It sounds like you are going to have some great f2f support and guidance. So for now, I am offering my friendship, a hug and someone who has been through what you have. :ghug3
I am so sorry. I am in tears right now. Why? Because I was you 68 days ago. Only my daughter WAS in the car and the fence did not belong to my neighbor. But it did keep me from going over a 30 foot embankment. Oh my god, I still cringe on a daily basis. I still feel the pain, shame and blame SO deeply but ya know what? I have not had a drink since. You don't have to either!
I am so happy for you that you have women friends in recovery. That is such a blessing. I did not but I sure do now! A whole LOT of them!
I was so desperate that I walked into 12 meetings that week (and I work full time). I was desperate to save my life. And I am now on my way. It sounds like you are going to have some great f2f support and guidance. So for now, I am offering my friendship, a hug and someone who has been through what you have. :ghug3
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