Ilovehimstill

Good morning all and thanks for a neat looking forum!

My name is K, I am 37 years old, married 5 years to the love of my life who happens to be a severe and angry alcoholic.

I am also the child of a violent binge-drinking father and a depressed and bipolar mother. Seems I got a raw-deal out of the starting gate!

About me: Other than suffering with bouts of depression, I'm a ridiculously happy, positive woman. I'm hilarious, just ask me, I'll tell you how funny I am. I work outside the home and I also have my own business.

We have no children. My husband's drinking is beginning to affect our daily lives and our social interactions. Well, that's not true, I'm just starting to NOTICE the effects. By the way, I always get EFFECT and AFFECT backward. Just an after thought there.

I drink as well. I began using drugs and drinking when I was 14. I kicked the dope when I was in my early 20's but the drink still has its place in my heart, mind and body.

I am here for information, support, guidance and good Lawdy some kind of CHANGE before OUR addictions swallow us alive.

Thank you,
K

starflier

Welcome! I'm new here, too, but I've been constantly amazed at the wisdom and love of everyone here. It's hard to believe how much I've learned and been encouraged in just the short time I've been coming here.

It's a wonderful start to a long journey, just coming here and posting your story. BTW, you did a perfect job with affect and effect.

SugarLily

I love how you post K!

Welcome! Its a lovely place this here forum.

I found it when things with my ex got truly awful. The anger was just simply getting out of hand. I received so much advice here, not all of it was what I wanted to hear but NEEDED to hear. I hope you stick around. You'll receive loads of support.

First and foremost put yourself first, your feelings first. You don't detail whether you are planning to leave or are here for advice on how to cope with 'it'. The drinking.

Regardless of where you stand - again (look at me repeating myself!) Look after you! Have you thought about Al-anon? I never went but it has helped so many here.

I don't feel I'm all that great at advice but many here are.

Huge welcomes!! x x

Ilovehimstill

Thank you! I've been told I write just like I speak in real life. I think that's true.

No, I do not plan to leave him. As I said, he is truly the love of my life. I am fortunate in many ways, the biggest blessing in my life is that my husband is not violent. He has never hurt me, we don't physically argue. But that doesn't take away from the emotional damage the drink is causing. We aren't able to be emotionally intimate because of the numbing affects of the alcohol.

When we are sober, both of us, we are extremely close. But it doesn't last long, the hurt feelings, resentment, anger and loneliness always return with vigor and some sort of new twist(s).

I am considering al-anon, yes. What brought me here today was another drunken night last night and a conversation with my sister-in-law that I'll not soon forget. She's married to my husband's brother who is also an alcoholic. His disease is far more advanced than mine or my husbands. He's in his early 30's and his health is rapidly declining. I was also made aware last night that he's been raping his wife. They have a young son.

Needless to say, I'm pretty upset today, my husband is upset. He drinks, he drinks in excess, he watches his brother deteriorate, his heart breaks...so he drinks again to soothe the pain. And I'm just watching from the outside, nothing I can do. So I drink to soothe the pain, I break my own heart, and then I drink more to soothe the pain.

I imagine this is familiar to some of you? This cycle, the ugliness, the pain.

I know this is a long post and I'm thankful to all who take the time to read. I am saying things here I've never said before, not out loud anyway.

Thank you for the welcome.

starflier

I am very sorry you're in so much pain, but I long ago learned that the most important lessons in life are accompanied by pain.

I'm new on my journey, and I know I have a long trip ahead of me, but about two weeks ago I made two promises to myself that have already had some useful consequences. Maybe my promises will help you along your road, too.

#1: I will no longer purchase alcohol for my alcoholic partner (AP). For almost eighteen years I have been the one who does the grocery shopping, which has always included either wine or beer. I reasoned to myself that my AP would be safer drinking at home rather than needing to go out for alcohol. Over the years, I've learned a few things about this idea. Mostly, that having alcohol at home has not stopped her from going out to drink. On the contrary, she gets wasted at home and then, in the midst of a blackout, goes out and continues to drink. Also, since she works at home with no commute, and there's always liquor in the house, she's always drunk by the time I come home so I rarely see her sober. And, in order to tolerate her drinking, I gradually started drinking much more than I should, which led to my second promise.

#2: I will no longer drink with her. And, as part of this same promise, I will be very careful of my own consumption, recognizing alcohol as a mind/mood altering substance, and knowing that being in touch with my own feelings is an important step in my own recovery as a codependent. So far, it's been interesting to see the number of times in the last while she's encouraged me to have a glass of wine when I get home, and then seeing her irritation with me when I refuse, which has been leading to her trying to pick fights with me for the rest of the evening. It's far easier to avoid an argument when you're sober yourself and you can see the drunk person in all their ignorance.

I don't know if you want to make those same promises to yourself, or if there are other promises you could make that are more relevant to your personal situation, but I already feel empowered by these two very important steps I've made. This sense of empowerment is new to me, and will help me maintain my resolve to continue down my road to recovery.

Pick-a-name

Glad you are here. Sorry you have so much going on.

Perhaps you should save yourself first....you might even be the one to lead the way for the others into sobriety and recovery. Even if you do not,you would guarantee yourself a much better life that where it would be headed,imho.

You are "worth it",too........you can not change your husband,but you can do something about your own health and happiness.

If you have not been over to the "Alcoholism" forum,there are some great folks over there with lots of E,S and H to share,too. "Under the Influence" is a great easy read about alcoholism,too.

Best of luck to you and I hope you'll stick around with us!

Ilovehimstill

Thank you all for the welcome and the introductory advice. I'm busy reading the forums. I must admit it's a lot to take in. I had to take a break a while ago. Reading some of the posts by those suffering hurt my heart. But the reading here is also good as far as making myself take a better look inside my own life. Tough stuff.

"Worth". That's my problem. From the outside looking in, I've got it all. A handsome, funny, loving, adoring husband, a great job, good friends. House of cards, smoke and mirrors. That's what's hurts the most, really. I am a walking lie.

"I'm not worth it", "I deserve this", I tell myself daily. It's really a slow, self-inflicted death. I've always known that. My main problem right now, (HA! other than the obvious), is I don't know how to stop, I don't know where to start and it all looks extremely daunting.

prodigal

Whew! That's a lot for me to take in. I admire you for your honesty. I don't see you as a "walking lie" because I see a great deal of honesty in what you have to say.

Once upon a time, I was on the bandwagon with my AH ("alcoholic husband") and discovered that drinking made me physically sick at my stomach, gave me terrible hangovers, and I was a mean, nasty drunk. I started getting pretty scared at what my drinking was doing to me, so I got off the booze and switched over to water.

I suppose you can start with yourself and examine whether or not you see yourself as an alcoholic. That is solely up to you to decide. If you wish to continue to drink, that is your right too.

I've been married to two A's, so I've watched the downward spiral. Don't get me wrong - we had lots of "fun." The problem was, as their disease progressed, the fun times became more infrequent, and the drama, chaos and blow-ups became prevalent.

I hope we can be of help and support to you.