Six Months Clean - Now What?

Old 07-12-2008, 09:56 AM
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Six Months Clean - Now What?

AS had relapsed in January AND got his second DUI. So he has no license and no money. He works for us, but everything he makes goes towards what he owes us. He's not allowed to have any cash at all and everything is locked up each night.
Now he's six months clean and expects to live here at least until he gets his license back or another year and a half. I think I could handle that but not sure what comes next.
He says he wants to get his own place then, but right now the only way he's staying clean is by our no cash, lockdown methods.
I guess my question is...even if he has 2 yrs. clean, can we trust him to stay clean on his own? I feel as if this is an exercise in futility....dunno!
Appreciate any feedback.
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Old 07-12-2008, 10:50 AM
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Now may be the time to start setting additional boundaries, ie

He must decide on and then become involved in some type of recovery program, be it NA, SMART, etc. If NA he must also get a sponsor, etc.

You cannot be his jailer which you are being now.

He has to learn RESPONSIBILITY in recovery and a RECOVERY PROGRAM and a sponsor or mentor is the only way he will learn this IMHO.

Locking everything up, etc was a great way to give him a start, however, at some point you are still going to have to Let Go and Let God do the rest.

Sending prayers for you and your family.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-12-2008, 10:58 AM
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Hey there!

Remember that this is his recovery. And, like NA says, "just for today" he is clean and sober. And that is wonderful. He's taking it one day at a time. No one can guarantee that he won't mess up again two year from now, but no one can guarantee that he won't mess up tomorrow either. Believe me, if an addict really wants their doc, they WILL get it, no matter what you take away.

My point is that HE has got to be able to take credit for HIS recovery.

A year and a half is a ways away. A lot can happen in 18 months. So, wouldn't it be easier to let him worry about whether or not he can be clean on his own, and in the mean time, focus on you??? That way, no matter what mistake he makes, or doesn't make, your own healing can take place. You cannot heal yourself and him too; he's working on him, so you would be helping him more than you realize by helping yourself.

I hope that doesn't sound more harsh than I mean it. It's just that my mom does the same thing with my sister... and my mom is constantly a nervous wreck. She doesn't deserve that, and neither do you.
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Old 07-12-2008, 11:43 AM
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it is his responsibality to stay clean or not. maybe him being with you is helping. i do not know the answer. maybe staying with you is like a half way house.he has got to learn how to live sober. if he is clean i would let him stay IF that was ok with me.YOU have got to come first,YOU have got to take care of YOU. prayers for you & your son.
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:52 PM
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Hey there Barb, I have found the worst thing I can do to myself is project and worry...It is without any benefit at all and sure does make my heart and spirit sick. I'm sorry you are stuck in this role...I understand the fear, but is this really how you want to spend each day?
He had is second dui...is it your job to fix that? There are things like buses, light rail, feet and bicycles. I just hate thinking that you are committing yourself to acting as jailer for 2 years because of the consequences of his actions. Guess it strikes a cord because I remember spending quite a few months acting as taxi the last time my daughter lost her license too. It was my problem...simply because I let her make it my problem. Actually, that isn't fair to say at all. It was my problem because I chose to make it my problem!! Did it do anything? Heck no...she kept doing what she would do, because she had that soft landing. I didn't know better then, but I learned better the next time. She's been clean and sober for quite some time now, but she still doesn't have a license. So she sought housing near the light rail; she sought a job near public transportation and posted to join a car pool. She went back to school via a grant to a state university and online classes. The best part of it is seeing how proud she is that she has done this on her own...to see her gaining back self confidence and using the tools she is acquiring to handle whatever bumps there are on her journey.
I still sometimes bite my tongue or hold myself back to make sure I don't rescue...It's a hard habit to break and having lost a child, I sometimes can be overprotective of her. But I realize that my way wasn't healthy for either of us. This way is and I am grateful for everyoine here and in the rooms who help me stay the path. Hugs
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:34 AM
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Dear Barb, I don't have any advice to add. I just wanted u to know my prayers are with you.
Take good care,
Diane
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:59 AM
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Sending some hugs and prayers your way. It is a tough situation. And I know you want your son to live and prosper. Just make sure that you are too. My daughter will more than likely be moving home next month. I am going to get a big roll of duct tape, put some boundaries in place and then pray. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-13-2008, 08:43 PM
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Bardee,

You've got to let him fly sooner or later, or else you'll be policing him until he's 80.

There are no guarantees in the world of addiction and recovery. The only thing I can be sure of in my life and in the life of my RAD is that we each are responsible for our own recovery. RAD could be sober for 20 years, but no one can guarantee me that she'll stay that way.

Ultimately, your son will be the only one responsible for maintaining his sobriety. And, if he's working a program,he will tell you that he can't even tell you what it will be like at two years sober. Remember, this recovery thing is one day at a time.

Hugs and best wishes,
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:28 AM
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When I was in treatment for my eating disorder in the beginning level one
they had locks on the bathrooms and we had to have nurses go into the
bathrooms with us, but it was their job to teach us what we did not know
how to do, in the end, it was our choice. In treatment there are nurses,
but in the real world there isn't. There is a bathroom every where we go,
that leaves us choices.
You can teach him to a point, but you can't keep locks on the doors forever,
he has to make choices for himself. If you don't start to give him choices
for himself he's not going to learn to how to make them or gain the confidence
that he needs to make them.


JMO

**{Barbdee}}
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