PixiePerson

It is the same cycle as always... I tell him how he has hurt me, he apologizes, promises to be better, I believe him since he sounded like he meant it, few days pass, everything is going well, then I'm whacked with signs that he's drinking again!

I am just so sick of the cycle.. I have threatened to leave many times, and never really got the courage to do so.. Now, I'm at the end of another cycle that just happened about a week ago. I started to question if I am still in love with him, and ended up telling him so.. he cried, and it broke my heart. He rarely cries and is the type of guy who doesn't like showing emotion since he considers it "weak"... so he promises "I'll be a much better husband" and he has been so far for the past week, until today. He got home from work and wanted to go to bed early, and from my experience, those are the nights he usually sneaks to drink when I've fallen asleep. I was a little suspicious but decided to trust him ... again, stupid me.... only to wake up to him sleepwalking and urinating all over our dirty laundry o_o which has happened before, and 99% of those times were when he had been drinking before going to bed....

I'm really thinking about ending the marriage for good, but everytime I have tried talking to him, he somehow always manages to make me feel like he means to change this time around, and i end up telling myself "one last chance" .. and somehow that same process repeats itself over and over again throughout time... I need to just get the determination to leave him! But I never can and I'm stuck trying to make ends meet...

Please help me find the courage and determination to leave him. Or at least some advice on how to... I still care for him a lot but I seriuosly feel that I do deserve better and I have given way too much of myself to this marriage already...

Sweetiepie1

I wish I could give you a whole bucket load but it's down to you what is right for you when you feel ready. All I would say is if you do decide to leave him make sure you photocopy all financial documents before you tell him what you are going to do

Taking5

It sounds like "I'm not happy" from you, and "I'll do better" from him, playing over and over again ike a broken record. Instead of this, give him a list of things he must do in order to stay married. This list should start with "Stop drinking". I think AA is the way to do this but thats up to him.

The rest of the list I cannot say because you haven't told us what else is wrong, so you'll have to complete the list.

Then if he doesn't do these things, follow through and leave. I know it will be tough but you have to break the cycle, the broken record I mentioned.

Barbara52

Only you can find the inner courage to do what you need to do, whatever that may be. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will act.

SugarLily

When you are ready - you will leave.

It took me until I could not physically take anymore. I just couldn't. Things had deteriorated so much till I hit my "bottom".

Only you will know when you've had enough. Only you will decide to stop believing empty promises. It sure sounds like you've started to.

I completely relate to you post. Your entire post. Only I wasn't married. Its very scary making those steps. People asked me why I stayed so long, I said it was easier than leaving - and in a way it is. Its much easier to bury your head in the sand than stand up and fight for the life you feel you deserve.

I don't really know what I can say to offer support. Or if my rambling has helped!

But yes again, only you will know when you want to step off the crazy carousel.

I wish you well. x

gottaquitthis

I'll chime in, when your ready, you'll leave. I stayed 7, 8 years, the last 3 just because I became ill (cancer). Don't let this happen to you. Not trying to scare you but you need to try to find some peace within yourself, you can't make a big decision like this when your unsteady emotionally, i know its hard but take him out it, think about yourself, find some peace somehow, someway. really.... try to find yourself outside of him and you'll figure it out. gottaquitthis

TTOSBT

Just FYI, I am the recovering alcoholic in my marriage. But it sounds like it is time to have the talk. That is, have it when he is definitely sober and just tell him you love him but you can not live like this anymore. Then tell him what YOU would need to be able to stay and work on the mariage. Don't tell him what he has to do but rather what the boundaries you have to set to be able to stay with him.
I truly wish you the best. Make a plan so that you are not just reacting if you do leave.

starflier

Would you mind elaborating on this? No matter how I think about leaving my A, it always seems as though I would be reacting. Thanks.

DesertEyes

Good afternoon, pixieperson and starflier, and pleased to "meet" you.

The "plan" is something that is discussed a lot in meetings of al-anon. If you want all the deatils, al-anon is the place to go. In general, it works like this.

1- Is anybody in physical danger? If yes, then pick up the phone and call the local shelter. They have experts in this matter and can give you directions on how to keep yourself safe. We have several sticky posts for you to read right here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

2- Assuming nobody is in physical danger, you start by picking a place to live. Where, _exactly_, are you going to live? An apartment? How much does it cost to get one, and how much per month.

3- A place to live requires money, and that means a job. Do you have a job that will cover that apartment? If not, can you get a cheaper place or a better job?

That's how it starts. You work thru a whole list of your needs and how you are going to meet each need. If you have never lived on your own there's a bunch of details you need to know, like how to get the oil changed in your car to how to change the filter on your house furnace. Al-anon and the shelter can help teach you all those things.

If you don't have a plan you will end up doing what I did. I stayed in my marriage far too long, and when it got so bad that I had no choice and _had_ to leave.... I had nowhere to go. I ended up getting a job in a different city, had to get rid of a ton of stuff I could have sold, spent a fortune moving what I couldn't get rid off, wound up living on the opposite side of town from my new job, and on and on and on. I'm glad I left, but if I had started on a plan, and had it ready "just in case", then I would have saved myself a ton of money and stress when I finally did leave.

A plan costs you _nothing_ if you make one and don't use it. But if you need one and don't have one.... you're going to end up like me.

Mike
p.s. That was years ago, my life is just fine now. I have a better job and a nice little condo and enjoying the heck outta life

steve11694

I would think "to stay' requires immeasurably more courage...

Kindeyes

There are so many wonderful suggestions above.....I particularly like what TTOSBT and DesertEyes had to say. Both of them offered excellent (and very important) tips.

Personally, I found that when the pain of staying became greater than the fear of leaving, the courage was there when I needed it.

gentle hugs

AskingWhy

I woke up one morning and discovered yet one more lie. For some reason, that was it. There's no magical thing that makes you decide to go. But, once you have had enough you just realize it and you act. It's scary as hell, no two ways about it. And here, four months later, it still hurts A LOT and I have no clue when the hurt will stop. This was someone I loved with all my heart and who loved me, but not as much as the alcohol, and I walked away from it. That's a hard thing to do....I know it sounds generic, but as many have said here before and it's true, you will just know when the time is right for you. I had a partial plan, but nowhere like I'd wanted it to be. I'm surviving. That's about it.

Mair

I agree with all the above. Dont worry pixie you will get there too. I listened to one lie to many and left with no regrets. I still love him, and miss him, but i dont miss the dramas. Love has little chance of surviving in situations like this. We get addicted to them and it's a hard habit to break.

Be kind to yourself, and set your bounderies.

Mair

kj21

This may sound very simple, but it helped me. I started to write a smiley face or a sad face everday on the calander to keep track of my days. when there were more sad faces than happy faces...i left.

GiveLove

I started to keep a page in my journal that outlined all the crises, and what I did, and what he did.

3/28/99: X comes home drunk, I beg him to get help, X promises he will start going to AA and see a counselor

It was a long list.

After a while I posted it on the bulletin board above my desk. Somehow, seeing it there every day reminded me of how hard I'd tried, that I'd given of myself. And one day I realized I was done trying, that I could leave with no regrets, and let myself move on to a happier life.

freya

People often tell me that I have a lot of courage, and a lot of the time when they tell me that, I realize that 1) they are comparing my outsides to their insides (i.e. assuming they know how I feel on the inside based on what they see me doing / how they see me acting in the world) and 2) that, based on that assumption, they are also very often making the excuse for themselves that they can't possibly do what I do / act as I act because they are fearful and I am courageous.

WRONG!

The only difference between me and them is usually that I work very, very hard at not letting my fear run my life. And this next thing is going to sound trite and silly but, for me, it really is the truth: Courage is nothing but fear that has said its prayers. You've asked how you can "get the courage," and the only answer I know is "pray" -- whatever "pray" means to you. I am not a religious person, but being connected to HP, to my most true and authentic self, and to my most cherished values (..and all of those things come together in my experience, BTW) is the only way that I know of to overcome fear...(not to banish it entirely and forever, mind you, but to overcome it!).

There is a really good prayer that I heard at an AA meeting -- adapted from an exercise in the Big Book -- that goes: "God, release me from this fear and direct my attention toward what I can do today to better become the person that You would have me be." For me, that is like the perfect prayer because it is so simple and yet it includes so many of the most basic principles of recovery....And, you know, God/HP/The Universe, whatever it is that you believe in and turn to for comfort and guidance, "wants" us each to be happy and to take care of ourselves. HP does not want us to go through life in misery, fear and abuse. If you can connect with that power and align yourself with it -- whatever it is for you -- you can and will overcome your fear.

I know this sounds simple....and maybe it is in some sense....but I also know that it is not quick and easy and it requires a lot of self-discovery and a lot of emotional/spiritual work. But the thing is that, once you start down that path toward HP, even little changes can lead to important shifts in your life that, not only help you deal with current problems/situations, but that address the kind of core issues and repeat problem patterns that we all struggle with in our lives.

It really is worth the work and the wait.

freya

i4getsm

Another thought to consider - When/if you are ready to leave, there is NOTHING stopping you two from getting back together once he gets help and has a track record of staying sober. Leaving may be the thing he needs to hit his "bottom". That's why most states require a separation period before a formal divorce. (((HUGS)))

LaTeeDa

For me, it didn't take courage. What it took was a strong dose of reality. I was living in my dreams and fantasies for years. You know, the ones where he finally "sees the light" and becomes the man I wanted him to be. A very good counselor helped me to start making my decisions based on what is, rather than what I hoped for and longed for. When I took off the filter of what could be, and just looked at what it really was, the choice was obvious.

L

lizw

That for me describes it in a nutshell...

Addiction can be defined by continually doing something one does not want to do. And if you have been trying to leave your relationship for along time, chances are you may be addicted. It's heard in every Al Anon room round the world. "He was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to him."

What sealed the deal with my leaving my last partner type relationship was I found out I had MS, and I just knew I couldn't stay. I knew he didn't have it in him. Never had and never would.

I got into another relationship, not long after that, which in some ways was better but was worst in other ways. Following the dramatic ending of that, which took nearly as long to end as it did to start, I ended up in Sex and Love addicts anonymous, and we're not all men with 'mens' problems who attend the fellowship in my area.

Most of the woman, have, like me, expereinced long term relationships they could not leave. Some of them call themselves relationship addicts rather than sex and love addicts. I call myself a sex and love addict because it reminds me to never say never. I.e. I'll never get that bad.

I have found their literature makes a lot of sense as it talks about actually having a 'withdrawl' when an addict leaves a relationship, just like a drug addict has a withdrawl from their drug. And I have read about myself in their stories many,many times. Since I have been in their fellowship (less than a year) and I never liked myself so much, and been happier. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me....

On their website (you should be able to find it if you google it) they've 44 questions for self diagnoses or if any woman who are reading this want to talk more privately, just PM me.

Sorry guys, you'll have to email their WSO to get a man to chat with if you want further info.

No matter the situation, there is always hope.

:ghug2

peaceteach

I don't think it was courage that got me to divorce my exhusband. It was fear; I could feel MYSELF slipping away and sinking in despair. It petrified me. I was waaay beyond anger and disgust. I was full in the knowledge that my LIFE depended on it, and also that my children's lives depended on ME being able to take care of them, to provide for them, to keep them sane as well. My courage was born from that fear, in a self-protection mode at first and then gradually into a more self-focused life. I come here to share and for guidance, but I read your stories to keep me "on point" towards what I will no longer tolerate, lest I get complacent. I don't ever want to fear self-destruction again, nor witness it in loved ones. It's something no one should have to bear.

You will know when it is time. It may take some more pain and some more getting through the denial. But when you take the time to let your focus get off of him and onto you, your body will be telling you enough is enough. Your mind will catch up with this "sixth sense" sooner or later. Sooner if you can give yourself the gift of just doing what is best for YOU for once, not him.