Shivaya

Hi All,

It's been quite a while since I've started a new thread...so much to say and so hard to get it out...

I have set very firm boundaries with my AH:

- I no longer have to see him drinking all night. I asked him not to drink in front of myself or the children. So he goes over to the neighbor's house and drinks...

- I no longer have all the neighborhood drunks coming to my house to party...

My Deal Breaker: If he comes home drunk, passes out, unwakeable and unconscoius, I will file for divorce


So...my house is a bit more peaceful.

My AH and I communicate only when necessary, and never about anything very serious as this leads to an instant argument.

We are in separate bedrooms and there is no intimacy.

We pass one another in the hall and say "hi"...like 2 strangers passing...

The love is gone....the respect is gone....

I've been to counseling (I'm taking a break over the summer). He says he'd like to talk with a counselor (he has not), and that he will go to marriage counseling once he see's one on his own (he has not).

We are so very disconnected at this point, it would take years of counseling to come back together. It could work, I guess you never know. But I do know that we have no chance of keeping our marriage together unless we seek counseling.

But it's not all bad. The good news is that I have started a new business which I am very passionate about. I love what I do, and it brings me such joy. My goal is to reach financial independence. This may take a few years...I have patience.....

So for now, I'm living with my functioning alcoholic husband, who continues to "jump thru hoops" to be able to consume his drinks...

It would be so nice to be able to share my happiness and joy about my business with my husband.....but he's too busy getting drunk, and making negative comments about everything I do.

Although I have not posted in a while, I do come to SR and read daily, and I am so thankful for your stories and your strength. I'm so glad to have found this site!

Shivaya

bookwyrm

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you've found a measure of peace while working towards your goals. Sounds like you really have got everything together and are taking care of you! Way to go!

NYC_Chick

Hey!

I've missed your posts, but I'm happy to hear you are doing well! Congrats on your boundaries and your new business adventure!

I recently heard this and try to remind myself everyday..."You can't fail if you don't give up." Words to live by in many respects!

Kindeyes

You have discovered the ultimate goal in dealing with an alcoholic.....serenity for yourself whether the A continues to drink or not. Good job! And congrats on the new business.....as an entrepreneur myself, I understand the passion.
gentle hugs

Lilyflower

I am glad you are finding serenity in the midst of chaos! Keep moving forward for you and your kids, :bounce

Blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stillsearching

I have to say that this post makes me feel so sad, because this is how I have been living with my AH for quite some time, I hope it works for you, but after a period of time, I can't do it anymore, it is too heartbreaking and I felt what is the point?? Why am I living in a house with a man where there is no love, no affection, no respect?? I had to get out because after a while it made no sense to me anymore, that is not what I felt and wanted a marriage to be...I too thought I could just continue to live this way, but it sucked the life out of me, no matter how much I pretended to think it was ok for us to live this way. So, I have filed for divorce, it's time to move on.

This is just my own thoughts and story, if it works for you...more power to you...

Shivaya

Thank you all for your replies!

Stillsearching, my post makes me sad too!!

I suppose I should have mentioned in my 1st post that my situation is certainly not even close to ideal, however, after being a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, I am taking steps towards financial independence, so that I'll be able to support my children when I do leave!

Notice I said "when" I leave, not "if"! I have set boundaries so that I can function peacefully in this situation while moving towards my own personal goals of independence.

I know that my my marriage is over, and I believe my AH feels the same way. I do have a small amount of hope that counseling may help...but...it truly is a heartbreaking situation.

I love and respect myself, and I know that I will find that again in a companion, whether rebuilding with my AH, or with someone else!

Again, so great to hear responses from you all!

Shivaya

Pajarito

Shivaya- I'm glad you posted. You seem to be doing so well! Congratulations on the new business. I am so impressed that you are doing something like that for yourself after staying home for as long as you have. Keep on!

stillsearching

Shivaya, I certainly was not putting you down in my post.. I know exactly what you are talking about, as I too was a stay at home Mom for the last 13 yrs and just got a job that is why I filed...I too stayed until I could provide, so I am pulling for you!! Keep pushing forward...

GiveLove

Shivaya,

Good to hear from you.

I too found great fulfillment in being self-employed...it has brought so much joy into my life. Please make sure that you organize your business in such a way that he cannot get half of your assets in case of a divorce. Speak to a local Small Business Administration counselor about this. It is free and they work a lot with women's businesses. It's important.

Hugs,
GL

OverItNow

Your posts are very inspirational to me and my situation. Thank you for sharing and letting me know it is possible to pull out of this! Love and peace to you.

LaTeeDa

Unfortunately, it may be impossible to do this in the state of California. The only way I managed to keep my husband from taking half my assets in the divorce was to negotiate it with him and get him to sign a marital settlement agreement to that effect. If he was not agreeable, he would have gotten half of everything, even though he contributed only about 10% while we were married. It's the law.

Just something to consider. It may well make more sense to leave before the business takes off. Especially if he makes a lot of money and you plan to leave anyway. You would be entitled to more child and/or spousal support if you have a low income. And if your business is not yet worth much, it wouldn't cost you too much in the settlement. Definitely something I would talk to an attorney about if I were you.

L

Shivaya

I knew there was a reason other than giving my "update" that I decided to post!

LaTeeDa, I hadn't even thought about the things you mentioned! Definitely something for me to think about....I have to admit, I'm feeling some weight lifted off my shoulders as I read your post....

This is an "AHA" moment for me! I have options!!! I can choose the best option for my children and I!!!

Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention...one of many reasons I value this site!

Shivaya