Need Advice - Frustrated Horribly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Need Advice - Frustrated Horribly
Well, things have been going ok with me and the AW shes been working her steps and staying sober, going to meetings allot but im slowly getting frustrated I yelled tonight because im just feed up with some stuff....
Now this is where I maybe just am really different than my wife in views on how things should be done....
It all started several months back where she decided she wanted to go to school to be a fashion designer, she started going without talking to us about it and it messed up the schedule of picking the kids up from school ( 7 and 3 )....that ended with her after a month of counsling of her saying it didnt work for our family and she didnt think it would work after fighting me in counsling that she wanted this and she was gonna do it....
Following month she decided she wanted to get a part time job, and started working nights at a retail store this went on but was difficult because she said she missed the kids, now granted I dont care actually prefer she dosent work as we had agreed to this when we had kids she would be a stay at home mom....well 2 relapses later it was just becomming a mess...She did this for several weeks and decided she was going to stay home now and take care of the house and kids and this was her job....
Well starting about 2 weeks ago she decided she wanted to real estate again, I explained to her that i thought this would start taking up allllot of time away from the kids, and that its a very erratic schedule and only 3 months out of her last relapse the kids need some stability....On top of her statement of the money she makes is hers and she will pay a few bills but she has things she needs to take care of first...Now mind I pay 100% of everything for everyone in my house, i feel that is my responsibility as a husband and father..
Well its become a 10 hr a day on the phone or randomly going to show houses and having to drop the kids off at day-care or a babysitters house so she could do this....
THIS IRRITATES ME REALLY BAD
I have some pride issues I have to work through because ive spent the past 12 yrs building up my career, not really doing what I like but what I was good at so that one of us could stay home with our children, and this erratic changing of jobs, careers, school etc is just distrubing to me....
Im sorry if this sounds bad, but I feel that one parent should be home with kid especially when they are young....her idea of being there for the kids is taking them around to her friends houses so they can hang out, or swim, getting home at 10-11 oclock at night which just does not settle well with me....When i try to talk to her about it she always just rebuts with im sober and working my steps, and doing everything right and im an ahole and she dosent want to live under a parent...
Tonight, i told her the dogs she spent 1500 dollars on instead of paying her tickets she had needed to sleep outside because they have been pottying all over the house and today chewed on the inside of one of my walls....She freaked out and said she will NOT do this and she didnt care what i said that she wasnt going to put them outside....
Here is where i crossed the line and said that this was my house and my responsibilty because I am the only one on the lease and cannot afford to replace all this stuff....
She snapped and said ive been setting her up for this, that I setup everything so I could say this or that and im pushing her away and she dosent want to live like this...
Now my question is this, am I relapsing here, am i just back to my old worrying about things and how they might end up because of our past....I dont even have a say so in our house because if i feel a certain way about something she simply just says I dont care and I wont do it....
(((((((((
Im so tired.....and all this after a 7 month seperation because of her last relapse she initiated
blehhhhh
Now this is where I maybe just am really different than my wife in views on how things should be done....
It all started several months back where she decided she wanted to go to school to be a fashion designer, she started going without talking to us about it and it messed up the schedule of picking the kids up from school ( 7 and 3 )....that ended with her after a month of counsling of her saying it didnt work for our family and she didnt think it would work after fighting me in counsling that she wanted this and she was gonna do it....
Following month she decided she wanted to get a part time job, and started working nights at a retail store this went on but was difficult because she said she missed the kids, now granted I dont care actually prefer she dosent work as we had agreed to this when we had kids she would be a stay at home mom....well 2 relapses later it was just becomming a mess...She did this for several weeks and decided she was going to stay home now and take care of the house and kids and this was her job....
Well starting about 2 weeks ago she decided she wanted to real estate again, I explained to her that i thought this would start taking up allllot of time away from the kids, and that its a very erratic schedule and only 3 months out of her last relapse the kids need some stability....On top of her statement of the money she makes is hers and she will pay a few bills but she has things she needs to take care of first...Now mind I pay 100% of everything for everyone in my house, i feel that is my responsibility as a husband and father..
Well its become a 10 hr a day on the phone or randomly going to show houses and having to drop the kids off at day-care or a babysitters house so she could do this....
THIS IRRITATES ME REALLY BAD
I have some pride issues I have to work through because ive spent the past 12 yrs building up my career, not really doing what I like but what I was good at so that one of us could stay home with our children, and this erratic changing of jobs, careers, school etc is just distrubing to me....
Im sorry if this sounds bad, but I feel that one parent should be home with kid especially when they are young....her idea of being there for the kids is taking them around to her friends houses so they can hang out, or swim, getting home at 10-11 oclock at night which just does not settle well with me....When i try to talk to her about it she always just rebuts with im sober and working my steps, and doing everything right and im an ahole and she dosent want to live under a parent...
Tonight, i told her the dogs she spent 1500 dollars on instead of paying her tickets she had needed to sleep outside because they have been pottying all over the house and today chewed on the inside of one of my walls....She freaked out and said she will NOT do this and she didnt care what i said that she wasnt going to put them outside....
Here is where i crossed the line and said that this was my house and my responsibilty because I am the only one on the lease and cannot afford to replace all this stuff....
She snapped and said ive been setting her up for this, that I setup everything so I could say this or that and im pushing her away and she dosent want to live like this...
Now my question is this, am I relapsing here, am i just back to my old worrying about things and how they might end up because of our past....I dont even have a say so in our house because if i feel a certain way about something she simply just says I dont care and I wont do it....
(((((((((Im so tired.....and all this after a 7 month seperation because of her last relapse she initiated
blehhhhh
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Mike, it isn't easy living with an active addict or alcoholic, but we often adjust...and then when they get clean...we adjust again. It can strain the relationship, even in recovery.
I hear your words, and it doesn't matter what I think of your way of thinking, because my guess is that this isn't about the kids, or the dog, or which career she chooses. I hear control issues loud and clear, and I say that with love and experience because we codies tend to "need" control of the uncontrollable, that's half our problem.
No person can or should control another person, not even a clean person like me when trying to control an active addict like my son. It simply is not mine to control...and I can make myself crazy trying and do more damage to an already injured relationship.
What helped me was going to meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to live MY life in a healthy way and let go of trying to control how anyone else lived theirs.
As for the kids, they may be the victims here, not because of her behaviour because kids adapt well to working moms every day...but because of the conflict between the two of you. Family counseling might not hurt depending on the age of your children.
Stick around, Mike, open your mind and your heart and your ears and listen to how those of us who found peace, did it. When my way didn't work, I needed to listen too and I am glad I did.
Hugs
I hear your words, and it doesn't matter what I think of your way of thinking, because my guess is that this isn't about the kids, or the dog, or which career she chooses. I hear control issues loud and clear, and I say that with love and experience because we codies tend to "need" control of the uncontrollable, that's half our problem.
No person can or should control another person, not even a clean person like me when trying to control an active addict like my son. It simply is not mine to control...and I can make myself crazy trying and do more damage to an already injured relationship.
What helped me was going to meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to live MY life in a healthy way and let go of trying to control how anyone else lived theirs.
As for the kids, they may be the victims here, not because of her behaviour because kids adapt well to working moms every day...but because of the conflict between the two of you. Family counseling might not hurt depending on the age of your children.
Stick around, Mike, open your mind and your heart and your ears and listen to how those of us who found peace, did it. When my way didn't work, I needed to listen too and I am glad I did.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I have to agree with Ann, Mike, it sounds like you may struggle with control issues.
I can't say I'm not guilty of the same. There was a time not so long back that if things were out of my control, it would spin me like a top.
It may be worth a peek to see why you feel the way you do. And as is the case in all scenarios, we can't control others, just ourselves and what we are willing to have in our lives.
And...what we are willing to lose
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
I can't say I'm not guilty of the same. There was a time not so long back that if things were out of my control, it would spin me like a top.
It may be worth a peek to see why you feel the way you do. And as is the case in all scenarios, we can't control others, just ourselves and what we are willing to have in our lives.
And...what we are willing to lose
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Okay, I can understand the possible control issue thinking, but on the other hand, you DO have to have something done regarding the dogs, and their slowly ruining your home.
It seems like you can't talk to her, and she can't talk to you, without someone getting irritated.
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I think both of you sitting down alone, and airing your differences, with some rules...(no yelling, no raising your voices...etc) and perhaps finding solutions...together.
Are you both still attending counseling?
It seems like you can't talk to her, and she can't talk to you, without someone getting irritated.
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I think both of you sitting down alone, and airing your differences, with some rules...(no yelling, no raising your voices...etc) and perhaps finding solutions...together.
Are you both still attending counseling?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
(I am not married) But it looks like you are very frustrated. I agree with you in having a parent home with the children, I think it is so beautiful that you have the gift to do this. But looking at it from her eyes as a woman, maybe she needs to be in control of something of her own. This may be why she is going all over looking for jobs or something... and the dog thing may have been the cry for "LET ME DO SOMETHING".... does she go to AA meetings? She needs to do something, though going as far as a career does not have to be it... do I make any sense?.... maybe she could invest a night or two for charity work... something that makes her feel like the outside world needs her... could she help woman at a shelter? could she become more involved in the meetings? could she attend knitting classes or do a little ebay-type business from home?... taking the dog to dog training?
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
One of the greatest gifts working my program and attending many Naranon meetings has given to me is finding that there really is no "right" way of doing things that spreads across the universe. What an aha moment - something could look like the stupidest thing in the world, but if it helped my loved one, whether addict or non addict, or my co worker or friend, or even the nut who is weaving in and out of traffic.. to take another step forward in this journey of growth, it was right for him or her. It's been a struggle to grasp that and hang onto it, especially whenI think my loved one is making a mistake that might cause hurt or disappointment. What has always helped me is the hoola hoop imagery...Is the issue inside my hoolahoop, therefore within my "control"...something for me to address and change? If not, I need to let it go and ask my HP to let me deal with it.
I think it is terrific that you have posted your thoguhts honestly here and that you are open to thinking maybe not all of this is your wife. I agree that there are some things that you have mentioned that affect you...not necessarily yours to fix, but things that are of concern and establishing some sort of boundary in a calm way may be of help. The dogs are an example...Perhaps rather than telling you wife what she needs to do to make this right (which I find breeds defensiveness and resentment...It does for me tooo and I'm not an addict. I don't like being told what I have to do...I like figuring that out for myself) if you suggested that chewing and peeing in the house are problems and is there anything you can do to help her implement a solution, it would be less of explosive situation. I had to smile a little as I read too quickly - I thought you were saying you were telling her she had to sleep outside, and thought oh my, that is extreme
I can certainly understand how stressed you are and I can also see her viewpoint to. It's easy to do from the outside, so much harder when I am in the middle of living with the chaos. I'm sure you don't want to play the role of controlling parent to another child, and she doesn't either. Meetings helped me to keep my own recovery in the forefront and to move the focus from my addicted loved one to what I could do to restore my own serenity.
Sending positvie thoughts for peace and recovery to both of you.
I think it is terrific that you have posted your thoguhts honestly here and that you are open to thinking maybe not all of this is your wife. I agree that there are some things that you have mentioned that affect you...not necessarily yours to fix, but things that are of concern and establishing some sort of boundary in a calm way may be of help. The dogs are an example...Perhaps rather than telling you wife what she needs to do to make this right (which I find breeds defensiveness and resentment...It does for me tooo and I'm not an addict. I don't like being told what I have to do...I like figuring that out for myself) if you suggested that chewing and peeing in the house are problems and is there anything you can do to help her implement a solution, it would be less of explosive situation. I had to smile a little as I read too quickly - I thought you were saying you were telling her she had to sleep outside, and thought oh my, that is extreme
I can certainly understand how stressed you are and I can also see her viewpoint to. It's easy to do from the outside, so much harder when I am in the middle of living with the chaos. I'm sure you don't want to play the role of controlling parent to another child, and she doesn't either. Meetings helped me to keep my own recovery in the forefront and to move the focus from my addicted loved one to what I could do to restore my own serenity.
Sending positvie thoughts for peace and recovery to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Hi Mike...Yup...I understand the chaos and constant upheaval of being around an addict or someone trying to change...they are constant change,chaos,not realizing how their actions are affecting the people around them...She is clean and sober, you say she is working a program...Im not saying that just because of her new changes that she can run rampant and make the familys life nuts...Im saying that she is trying to find her own way...Communication [not control], needs to begin...with you...Talk to her, tell her that you support any career goals she has and see if the two of you can compromise a way so that the kids needs are met as well as the both of yours...Try to have some fun just the two of you...a dinner out, a movie, a date...bring some joy back into your lives...a few hours may make you both feel more connected again...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
You sound like a wonderful husband and father; I would love to be able to be a stay at home mom lol... but I do have to agree with the others, that there does seem to be a twinge of controlling in your thought process.
I can understand why your wife feels like she needs to have a job. Some people just cannot stand to be made to stay at home all day... they feel a need to get out of the house. Especially if your wife is a recovering addict, it makes sense that she would not want to sit at home and have a chance to be able to ponder how much she might be craving her doc. I've heard a lot of recovering addicts say that they do better when they have somewhere they have to be, something they have to do that requires them to be out of the house where they are not left with their thoughts. Especially if the kids are old enough to be in school... simply doing the housework does not necessarily take one's mind off of whatever is ailing them.
I don't have any answers here. But I do hope that you see that she has to work on herself before you can expect her to be the mother that your kids deserve. Recovery takes time. She can do this, and so can you... but there has to be a certain amount of patience, especially if she is not using or doing anything else that is illegal... she may not be doing everything the way you want her to just yet, but remember that her ability to use common sense is probably still slightly impaired, as it takes the brain a long, long, time to heal from habitual drug use.
I can understand why your wife feels like she needs to have a job. Some people just cannot stand to be made to stay at home all day... they feel a need to get out of the house. Especially if your wife is a recovering addict, it makes sense that she would not want to sit at home and have a chance to be able to ponder how much she might be craving her doc. I've heard a lot of recovering addicts say that they do better when they have somewhere they have to be, something they have to do that requires them to be out of the house where they are not left with their thoughts. Especially if the kids are old enough to be in school... simply doing the housework does not necessarily take one's mind off of whatever is ailing them.
I don't have any answers here. But I do hope that you see that she has to work on herself before you can expect her to be the mother that your kids deserve. Recovery takes time. She can do this, and so can you... but there has to be a certain amount of patience, especially if she is not using or doing anything else that is illegal... she may not be doing everything the way you want her to just yet, but remember that her ability to use common sense is probably still slightly impaired, as it takes the brain a long, long, time to heal from habitual drug use.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I was a stay at home mom for awhle... A book that really helped me was called What's a Smart Woman Like You doing at Home? and it was about college educated women like me find themselves surrounded by 3 yr olds and meatloaf recipes.
As others have said, recovery takes time... hers and yours too. My kids ended up in daycare after their dad and I divorced, and they did just fine there too. Their dad and i both worked and it worked out OK.
As others have said, recovery takes time... hers and yours too. My kids ended up in daycare after their dad and I divorced, and they did just fine there too. Their dad and i both worked and it worked out OK.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My husband is a controller, and I am erratic... and we've both been sober for 23 years. Sometimes, it is just a difference in nature.
What I see (remember, this is only my opinion, and only based on my perception of what I read).... is that there is some mixing of her addict behavior and normal behavior and that you don't care for either in many cases.
I found it difficult to figure out what part of my addicts behavior I didn't like, and what part of my addict's normal behavior I didn't like... and I am still working on it.
I go to school, am looking for meaningful work, contribute to the raising of infant grandkids and have about eight bazillion projects in varying phases of completion. If my hubby told me I had to complete school or work or a project on HIS timeline.... it would get pretty heated around here.
She may be trying very hard to please you, at the cost of not saying to you honestly what pleases her... maybe in fear of being rejected? Losing something she wants?
I agree, counseling can help IMMENSELY. And Mr. Big and I have done years of that. But, for me, the biggest help came when I got into Alanon for about a year... it changed my life more than any counselor, and we've seen a bunch of them.
I do wish you well... and hope you can find some of those meetings - whether she is drinking or not, there are traits she will still have sober.... and traits we Alanons had all along that need to be looked at and discussed.
What I see (remember, this is only my opinion, and only based on my perception of what I read).... is that there is some mixing of her addict behavior and normal behavior and that you don't care for either in many cases.
I found it difficult to figure out what part of my addicts behavior I didn't like, and what part of my addict's normal behavior I didn't like... and I am still working on it.
I go to school, am looking for meaningful work, contribute to the raising of infant grandkids and have about eight bazillion projects in varying phases of completion. If my hubby told me I had to complete school or work or a project on HIS timeline.... it would get pretty heated around here.
She may be trying very hard to please you, at the cost of not saying to you honestly what pleases her... maybe in fear of being rejected? Losing something she wants?
I agree, counseling can help IMMENSELY. And Mr. Big and I have done years of that. But, for me, the biggest help came when I got into Alanon for about a year... it changed my life more than any counselor, and we've seen a bunch of them.
I do wish you well... and hope you can find some of those meetings - whether she is drinking or not, there are traits she will still have sober.... and traits we Alanons had all along that need to be looked at and discussed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i think your wife is just trying to find herself right now. i can understand how you feel about the dogs destroying your home. i agree with the other,try to get counciling for you both.prayers,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Wow....sorry guys for somereason I didnt get any notifications from here on replies 
I should have known you guys would all be here
A tinge of control....hrmmm....how about just a tad bit more than that...I know I have control issues, this is my third time to go through a relapse with her and I am the first to admit that Ive tried my BEST this time to actually work on me cause I know through all the protective measures I have been through, all the enabling, all the codie stuff I have control issues....
Where do they stem from, well honestly it dosent matter where they came from it matters whats causing them now and when I get in the protective nature of making sure the right decisions are made i become the parent and my wife becomes the child....
Im sorry if people dont agree with me all the time on this, but IMO if the ability for a parent to stay home with the kids is there YOU DO IT, you don't have do overs and that was the decision we had made years and years ago....
NOW, let me preface that with this I have no problem staying home with the kids i did it for a year with my son and absolutly LOVE it...I already do most of the cooking around here, and have the patience of a rock
I had suggested to her that maybe in 6 months since she wants to work so bad and start a career mid kids growing up that I start just doing consulting again and leave my current job....She said NO, she cant make as much as me and she dosent want the burden of supporting the family
Yes we are still in marriage counseling, working our butts off in there but she is S T U B B O R N and while she listens well she still likes to do things her way....
Our communication level is weak, and she was raised by her dad which is a pretty strong willed do it my way type business guy so she wants to lead, she wants to be in charge ALL the time which honestly im not some macho man thats like THATS NOT ALLOWED....the problem is she dosent know how, shes never had to take on the responsibilities but see this is where i just have learned to become passive and while I dont agree just let her run her course....
Finding herself, absolutly since 14 shes been spoonfed from her family or by me, which I dont mind doing that as I feel as a husband its my job and duty and pleasure to take care of every need my wife and kids need, but whats sucks for me is in our case i become an enabler not just a super awesome husband heheh....
I know i need to just step back, it just hurts me so much because ive worked so hard to get my family to a point where one of us dosent have to work to give that kind of life to our kids. They have been through SOOOOO much and I just want some consitancy and stability with them I know they adapt but i just want to give them so room to relax for once....
When they where living with me when she left this last relapse, it took awhile and they missed there mom but I managed a fulltime 8 hr a day job, both of them and no day care it was HARD but I was consistant and they just slowly started relaxing....
Now my AW this time, while shes selfish as just part of her personality, this time with the kids ive never seen her get so involved with them and that makes them and me both sooo happy. When i say stay at home mom, I dont mean mom that sits on the couch cooking and cleaning all the time I just mean kids first period, studying, reading, whatever...Now when she is not working, she takes them places and plays with them they go swimming etc etc I just foresee this whole career move shes making ramping up into one of her extreme replace addiction with work type things....
Its hard for me to sit back and see this opportunity with our kids and even question for a second why she wouldnt take it, if I reallly had the ability to stay home with my kids I would take it in a second....Just differences in importants, hers has always been money mines always been my family....
So, as i started this yes its a bit of a control issue, yes its a bit of fear of her loosing herself in this whole mess, yes it really honestly boils down to I can do a thing about it and as a husband I need and will support my wife....
In regards to the meetings, yes she goes m,t,F,S to AA W to her private group we go to Marriage counseling on Tue and she meets with her sponser once a week so were therapist'd
tomorrow
I should have known you guys would all be here A tinge of control....hrmmm....how about just a tad bit more than that...I know I have control issues, this is my third time to go through a relapse with her and I am the first to admit that Ive tried my BEST this time to actually work on me cause I know through all the protective measures I have been through, all the enabling, all the codie stuff I have control issues....
Where do they stem from, well honestly it dosent matter where they came from it matters whats causing them now and when I get in the protective nature of making sure the right decisions are made i become the parent and my wife becomes the child....
Im sorry if people dont agree with me all the time on this, but IMO if the ability for a parent to stay home with the kids is there YOU DO IT, you don't have do overs and that was the decision we had made years and years ago....
NOW, let me preface that with this I have no problem staying home with the kids i did it for a year with my son and absolutly LOVE it...I already do most of the cooking around here, and have the patience of a rock
I had suggested to her that maybe in 6 months since she wants to work so bad and start a career mid kids growing up that I start just doing consulting again and leave my current job....She said NO, she cant make as much as me and she dosent want the burden of supporting the family
Yes we are still in marriage counseling, working our butts off in there but she is S T U B B O R N and while she listens well she still likes to do things her way....
Our communication level is weak, and she was raised by her dad which is a pretty strong willed do it my way type business guy so she wants to lead, she wants to be in charge ALL the time which honestly im not some macho man thats like THATS NOT ALLOWED....the problem is she dosent know how, shes never had to take on the responsibilities but see this is where i just have learned to become passive and while I dont agree just let her run her course....
Finding herself, absolutly since 14 shes been spoonfed from her family or by me, which I dont mind doing that as I feel as a husband its my job and duty and pleasure to take care of every need my wife and kids need, but whats sucks for me is in our case i become an enabler not just a super awesome husband heheh....
I know i need to just step back, it just hurts me so much because ive worked so hard to get my family to a point where one of us dosent have to work to give that kind of life to our kids. They have been through SOOOOO much and I just want some consitancy and stability with them I know they adapt but i just want to give them so room to relax for once....
When they where living with me when she left this last relapse, it took awhile and they missed there mom but I managed a fulltime 8 hr a day job, both of them and no day care it was HARD but I was consistant and they just slowly started relaxing....
Now my AW this time, while shes selfish as just part of her personality, this time with the kids ive never seen her get so involved with them and that makes them and me both sooo happy. When i say stay at home mom, I dont mean mom that sits on the couch cooking and cleaning all the time I just mean kids first period, studying, reading, whatever...Now when she is not working, she takes them places and plays with them they go swimming etc etc I just foresee this whole career move shes making ramping up into one of her extreme replace addiction with work type things....
Its hard for me to sit back and see this opportunity with our kids and even question for a second why she wouldnt take it, if I reallly had the ability to stay home with my kids I would take it in a second....Just differences in importants, hers has always been money mines always been my family....
So, as i started this yes its a bit of a control issue, yes its a bit of fear of her loosing herself in this whole mess, yes it really honestly boils down to I can do a thing about it and as a husband I need and will support my wife....
In regards to the meetings, yes she goes m,t,F,S to AA W to her private group we go to Marriage counseling on Tue and she meets with her sponser once a week so were therapist'd
tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I don't think it's bad for her to want something outside the home. I have a 1 year old and I desperately need conversation that isn't about potty time, eating all your lunch or Barney the dinosaur. I'm not knocking how you are thinking, but all I could think of when I read your post was that if she was sitting around the house all day cooped up, it might be enough to make her start thinking about using again. People need interaction and some want to make something of themselves. I agree about the staying home with the kids part, but it sounds like she just wants something all her own that isn't tied to her family. It's no offense, I'm sure, but sometimes, you lose yourself in the family and forget who you really are inside.
Just hang in there. The dog thing is gross. I'd make the dogs stay outside, too. They need to be housetrained.
Just hang in there. The dog thing is gross. I'd make the dogs stay outside, too. They need to be housetrained.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
I agree with the thing outside the house, me im fine staying at home all the time but thats just differences....The problem I have with it is this structure it around the kids not the kids around the "hobby" as I call it.
Its more of a balance thing and we all know that is hard for the addict, this discussion is one that is pretty deep rooted with me as I do feel a parent should be with the kids if at all possible.
Having to drop the kids off at daycare, or at a friends or here or there because you want to work when you dont have to is hard for me to understand.
But again I get back to a point to where I, and this may be control or even possibly just being protective, feel that every min you have that you could be there to help rear your children you should especially at a young age. ESPECIALLY 3-4 months just out of rehab and trying to make up to the kids the mess that they where put through the previous year.
I am when it comes to this situation stepping back, just venting here and really just trying to adjust to things. My idology on a family centric view comes down to work is last in priority, you work to support your family but thats just a small part.
Maybe its the fear of making sure my kids are ok with things, that they are going to be ok and trying to keep them from repeating the same mistakes my parents, her parents and now my own family have with divorce and drug/alcohol use.
That might be a deeper topic....
Its more of a balance thing and we all know that is hard for the addict, this discussion is one that is pretty deep rooted with me as I do feel a parent should be with the kids if at all possible.
Having to drop the kids off at daycare, or at a friends or here or there because you want to work when you dont have to is hard for me to understand.
But again I get back to a point to where I, and this may be control or even possibly just being protective, feel that every min you have that you could be there to help rear your children you should especially at a young age. ESPECIALLY 3-4 months just out of rehab and trying to make up to the kids the mess that they where put through the previous year.
I am when it comes to this situation stepping back, just venting here and really just trying to adjust to things. My idology on a family centric view comes down to work is last in priority, you work to support your family but thats just a small part.
Maybe its the fear of making sure my kids are ok with things, that they are going to be ok and trying to keep them from repeating the same mistakes my parents, her parents and now my own family have with divorce and drug/alcohol use.
That might be a deeper topic....
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Join Date: May 2006
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Mike I dont have to work either BUT I want to work. I am a recovering pill addict and its not about not wanting to sit home and raise kids it about wanting my independance and something that I can call my own. Its about having a couple bucks in my pocket that I dont have to ask for and explain where its going and what I am going to do with it.
I'm sure she loves her kids and I'm sure she is grateful that she has the option of doing this. I also found that when I was home and sometimes bored I wanted to use more... See thats how I dealt with the bordom or the repeativeness of not working. I popped pills and it made things funner I guess. I was a way for me to escape and make the day better.
So maybe for her sitting home is a huge trigger for her and maybe she needs to work to give herself a bit of accomplishment and to feel like she contributed some to her family. Give it some time let her know your proud of her and you do want her to feel good about herself. Let her make some of her own choices and know that she has the families best interest at heart. Nothing made me crazier than someone telling me what I should be doing. I didnt check my brain at the door when I got into a relationship I am still able to think and do things like an adult. Just made some bad choices along the way. Cut her some slack....................
I'm sure she loves her kids and I'm sure she is grateful that she has the option of doing this. I also found that when I was home and sometimes bored I wanted to use more... See thats how I dealt with the bordom or the repeativeness of not working. I popped pills and it made things funner I guess. I was a way for me to escape and make the day better.
So maybe for her sitting home is a huge trigger for her and maybe she needs to work to give herself a bit of accomplishment and to feel like she contributed some to her family. Give it some time let her know your proud of her and you do want her to feel good about herself. Let her make some of her own choices and know that she has the families best interest at heart. Nothing made me crazier than someone telling me what I should be doing. I didnt check my brain at the door when I got into a relationship I am still able to think and do things like an adult. Just made some bad choices along the way. Cut her some slack....................
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Something else to keep in mind is that, while some day cares can be pretty rough, and I'm sure you don't want to get into the rut of picking the kids up so late every day that they see very little of you and their mother, try to keep in mind that, if they ended up having to go to a day care once or twice a week after school, or during school for the little one, there are much worse things that could happen. To an extent, daycares are a great way for kids to learn social skills that they just can't get if the majority of their interaction is with mom and dad.
I'm not saying that they should live at the daycare, the way some people have to have their kids do (no offense to anyone who has no choice)... I used to work at a daycare, and I know how hard that can be on everyone. But it can be just as beneficial to the kids to have more time with others their own age, not to mention that day cares can be beneficial for a three year old in other ways, as the "teachers" in a good daycare will work diligently to ensure that the child is actually learning while there too, which puts them at a great advantage in kindergarten, not to mention that mom will probably be a much happier mom, and thus a better mom, if she has the freedom to be able to work part time, so that she can feel like she is doing something, then what is the harm in that?
I have to agree with the others. I wish you would cut her a little slack. Heck, lots of families of addicts would kill to have their addict be in recovery and wanting desperately to get a job. And here you have just that, and she is trying to do what she needs to do to continue in her recovery.
I commend you for being able to take a step back and attempt to analyze all of this, but remember that you are dealing with a recovering addict, and what makes perfect sense to you may or may not work for her. Her kids need her to be sober, and being able to get a job, if that's an easy way for her to not find herself bored and wanting drugs, just may be her saving grace one day.
I truly do wish you the best in this situation. My prayers go out that the two of you can reach some kind of common ground.
I'm not saying that they should live at the daycare, the way some people have to have their kids do (no offense to anyone who has no choice)... I used to work at a daycare, and I know how hard that can be on everyone. But it can be just as beneficial to the kids to have more time with others their own age, not to mention that day cares can be beneficial for a three year old in other ways, as the "teachers" in a good daycare will work diligently to ensure that the child is actually learning while there too, which puts them at a great advantage in kindergarten, not to mention that mom will probably be a much happier mom, and thus a better mom, if she has the freedom to be able to work part time, so that she can feel like she is doing something, then what is the harm in that?
I have to agree with the others. I wish you would cut her a little slack. Heck, lots of families of addicts would kill to have their addict be in recovery and wanting desperately to get a job. And here you have just that, and she is trying to do what she needs to do to continue in her recovery.
I commend you for being able to take a step back and attempt to analyze all of this, but remember that you are dealing with a recovering addict, and what makes perfect sense to you may or may not work for her. Her kids need her to be sober, and being able to get a job, if that's an easy way for her to not find herself bored and wanting drugs, just may be her saving grace one day.
I truly do wish you the best in this situation. My prayers go out that the two of you can reach some kind of common ground.
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Originally Posted by mikeb 
Having to drop the kids off at daycare, or at a friends or here or there because you want to work when you dont have to is hard for me to understand.
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Originally Posted by mikeb
Having to drop the kids off at daycare, or at a friends or here or there because you want to work when you dont have to is hard for me to understand.
As someone else brought up, they suffered from temptation the most when they were at home. I was the same. It is much easier to remain clean when I'm at work than when I'm home with the TV and housecleaning. I also use the people at work as a bit of a guide to keep me from using, there is always the chance they will notice and that is not good. Kids, on the other hand, are easier to fool in many addicts minds.
Originally Posted by ladyamalthea
Something else to keep in mind is that, while some day cares can be pretty rough, and I'm sure you don't want to get into the rut of picking the kids up so late every day that they see very little of you and their mother, try to keep in mind that, if they ended up having to go to a day care once or twice a week after school, or during school for the little one, there are much worse things that could happen. To an extent, daycares are a great way for kids to learn social skills that they just can't get if the majority of their interaction is with mom and dad.
I'm not saying that they should live at the daycare, the way some people have to have their kids do... I used to work at a daycare, and I know how hard that can be on everyone. But it can be just as beneficial to the kids to have more time with others their own age, not to mention that mom will probably be a much happier mom, and thus a better mom, if she has the freedom to be able to work part time, so that she can feel like she is doing something, then what is the harm in that?
I'm not saying that they should live at the daycare, the way some people have to have their kids do... I used to work at a daycare, and I know how hard that can be on everyone. But it can be just as beneficial to the kids to have more time with others their own age, not to mention that mom will probably be a much happier mom, and thus a better mom, if she has the freedom to be able to work part time, so that she can feel like she is doing something, then what is the harm in that?
The best part was that mom was glad to see me when she picked me up. She had been able to get away to "do her thing" too. She needed that interaction she got at work, and there is nothing wrong with that. Some adults need it...both moms and dads.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by kj0975
Let her make some of her own choices and know that she has the families best interest at heart. Nothing made me crazier than someone telling me what I should be doing. I didnt check my brain at the door when I got into a relationship I am still able to think and do things like an adult. Just made some bad choices along the way. Cut her some slack....................
Its REALLY hard for me to let go, honeslty she is trying very hard and doing such a good job but I just cant let go...
Ive been through 3 relapses with her, this last one just completley DESTROYED all my trust with her to a point that I am having such a hard time overcoming my fears. She filled for divorce, stripped our house, spent all of our money for years behind our back and I just cant let go of the fear that comes with It. Im working SOOOOOO hard but I see what im doing, I see how im trying to subtlly keep a control on things because Im so afraid of whats going to happen again and again..
I got into this HUGE fight with her tonight because she is SOOO mad she not on the bank account, I want her to be so bad but I just cant trust her even now she spends money behing my back. She took a check the other day and went and paid for something that I said we didnt have the money for....
Its just all these things that I keep trying to let go, but almost feel I keep getting reeled back in.....I know deep down i feel she cant make any decisions for herself because since ive known her she always ends up relapsing....
Like today she called me because she has a tooth ache, and wanted to know how I felt about her taking the same pills she got addicted to because it hurt so bad.....I said why would you even chance that, why would you even consider that take something else....Her response was well I called my counslor and he said I could as long as someone helped me monitor it....
I just sat there in awe of why anyone would even take that chance, after the last relapse she had started the same way....
So its just like I feel like I want to let go, give her the space and credit to things but cant believe some of the decisions she makes....I know this sounds bad, it sounds bad me typing it and I realize that in the end someones going to do what they want to do....
Thank you guys so much for listning....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Ohh and the dog situation, so I asked her to leave the dogs outside said they where tearing up the house and ruining the carpet....she said they where puppies what do I expect and flat out looked at me and so NO i wont put them outside I dont care what you say.....
She then put them on there leashes in the house and walked around the house with them telling me I wont tell her what to do with the dogs they dont need to be outside...
Just fyi update
She then put them on there leashes in the house and walked around the house with them telling me I wont tell her what to do with the dogs they dont need to be outside...
Just fyi update
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