Toomutch

Is it true that during the years we were drinking that we did not grow emotionally.

Just curious

Rowan

It's what I was taught, yes. I started drinking like an alcoholic around the age of 14. I missed out on many coming-of-age experiences. I didn't learn how to deal with life in a sensible way. I drank instead. It makes sense to me that when I sobered up, I felt very young, fragile, and inexperienced - almost like I was a 14 year old girl again.

Toomutch

But, do you gain those years back quickly as you are recovering or only grow as you would if your actual age would be 14? Do I make sense?

Jersey Nonny

So, I've been told by "Oldtimers", too. Depending on my spiritual condition on any given day, sometimes I still feel like that 16 year old kid again...I was a "late bloomer", Rowan. But, thank goodness, I have the rest of my life to grow up!

Jersey Nonny

I can understand why this concept might be confusing...but, I try not to intellectualize these little AA'isms...I'd drive myself crazy trying to make sense of everything. Suffice it to say I know I've gotten "better" since I quit drinking, and expect I'll improve even more, as long as I don't pick up again.

Rowan

Yeah don't try to intellectualize it too much - I'm 40 now, and I act 40 I guess, but I'm still pretty sensitive and fragile. In recovery though, I'm growing a thicker skin.

tommyk

I agree, it is not a finite scientific axiom.

Here is the long & short of it as I understand it:

We drank/used through every celebration and we drank/used through every sad situation, our personalities never really 'learned' to deal with these emotional ups & downs. We just numbed out the emotions.

Happy? Drink/use. Sad? Drink/use. Mad/angry? Drink/use. Relationship issues? Drink/use. Problems? Drink/use.

So... take away the drinking/using and we have no real emotional 'growth' during the drinking/using years. We numbed out the emotions, thus prohibiting any growth.

I know when I stopped drinking/using I had a flood, a deluge, of what I thought were 'new' emotions, that I didn't know how to deal with. I had to 'grow up'.

Make sense?

I never had an honest open heart-to-heart discussion about breaking up with a girlfriend, instead I just got drunk until the pain went away. Now that I am sober I have a hard time with breakups because I have no experience in dealing with the emotions. I still tend to 'run away' from the emotions instead of facing it.

TTOSBT

Tommyk,
Have I told you lately how cool I think you are?
That is probably the 4th great post I have read from you today!
Thanks!

Toomutch

I feel dumb for ever asking this question...

It's just that I know that I act my age at work, or in public. But I'm insecure, sarcastic and feel like the only way I can fit in is to make people laugh. When thats the only way I communicate with people they never get to know me, other than "she's funny". Don't get me wrong, I love laughter, but I need to act serious. I just dont know how.

Toomutch

Tommy - thank you for that - and yes it does make sense.
Just one more reson to never drink again.

RobbyRobot

hi Toomutch,

you know, i think we do grow emotionally, but it's slower and more difficult. also we grow out sideways, if you will, getting our life experiences at ages otherwise we wouldn't have until later, if ever in some things. life experiences can really age a person emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. they did me. they can also regress us too...

i do also think though we become much more vulnerable, sensitive, and frightened when we use and that carries through right into our recovery. does for me thats for sure.

good question.

gravity

I used to get offended when I was told that alcoholics are emotionally immature. I find this to be too broad of a statement. Despite my years of drinking, I believe that I am able to deal with many situations in a good way (not all ). I did not drink every time I was sad, wanted to have fun, deal with stress, etc. It’s more like drinking is no longer an option. But, of course, there is much room for growth. I also believe that emotional immaturity is not limited to people with alcohol & drug addictions. I know many people who react in other negative & hurtful ways in stressful situations.

Taking5

I DID TO GROW!

I DID I DID I DID!

MOM! Toomutch says I didn't grow for 20 years!

Toomutch

That was funny dgills - thanks for making me laugh.

PupMum

I think you may be my twin! Weirdest bit is discovering people still like me when serious. Or at least those people worth knowing.

It not a dumb question and I like the post...has got me thinking. Since I have been acknowledging a problem with alcohol (not perfectly sober but had more sober days in last 2 months than in last 15 years) I have started reacting to things in different ways.
I realised I did not want to attend a work function sober...and upon reflection it was because I actually don't want to spend an evening hanging out with my colleagues...so decided not to attend at all. I have been raising issue with my boss and he goes to fix them - instead of just rolling my eyes and going home for a bottle or two to ease the frustration.
How mature is that!!!

least

I think Tommy got it right about not growing emotionally while drinking. We just drank instead of learning from our situation. At least I fit this profile. Am now dealing with all those emotions I'd been blocking out, drowning for the last year or so. And it's really hard to look those feelings in the face and admit they are 'my feelings' because some of them are so immature.

I do think tho that after getting some sober time under my belt that I will be healthier emotionally, and that's what counts.

1963comet

I agree with Gravity, I know people that have never drank that do not act their age. The lable thing eats at me sometimes. Cannot judge a whole group of people by one persons beliefs.

gravity

I do believe that emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical growth strengthens sobriety - possibly the difference between white-knuckle sobriety vs a good life without alcohol.

Personally, if I started to believe that I was too emotionally immature to deal with life on life’s terms, it would become yet another excuse to pick up a bottle (”I can’t deal with this, I have to drink.”). My alcoholic mind at work.

From a positive perspective, I believe that recognizing & accepting a problem and doing something about it, not giving up demonstrates significant maturity. I think that this applies to more than just alcoholism/addiction.

Toomutch

Thank you everyone for all of the wonderful responses.

We are such complex people whether or not we are alcoholics or not. I know I have walls built up around me to try and keep people out. I have been thought of as stuck up and aloof, when really I am just so socially uncomfortable, "without alcohol". And like I mentioned before if I am in a situation where I have to communicate I am cracking jokes and being sarcastic. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

sct

Hm. I don't know about not growing at all... but I know that there are a lot of situations where I still react like an eight year old to things.