katie44

I am so disgusted in myself right now. I see that old codie emerging once again. A couple of months ago I detached from my 21 AS son, ever so slowly he has crept back in to our lives. Not our home, but my business a couple of weeks ago he came to work for us basically part-time. I felt sorry for him and saw that he was trying or so I thought. Our business is in terrible trouble with the economy, and money is very tight. I paid his phone bill 200.00 cable, gave him 100.00 cash and took him grocery shopping. Today my bank statement came in turns out again he stole 5 cheques in the amount of 1800.00. I lost it today I told him I never wanted to see him again until he was clean, dont call us and stay away from our home. I told him he was a junky and that I was ashamed of him, I told him that he needs to get his sh...t together and stop using everyone. I said he was a sneaky, conieving addict with no care for any one else except his dam drug habit.
His response was he was entitled to steal the money that he was going to tell the police we did not pay him. What he did was sign my name to a company cheque and commit fraud. He is to appear in court Monday for the same thing that happened 4 months ago ( part of his condition is not to have any cheques on him) he cashed these at one of those money mart places who I have told not to accept any cheques from him. They still did.
I know this is my fault I should not have enabled him. I feel horrible for the things I said but at the time I really felt them. I have told him not to contact us anylonger until he gets clean or some help. I just cant cope with him any longer. He has put us in deep financial credit card trouble. Just venting

Jody Hepler

Been there, done that - and a whole lot worse.

I am 5'2" tall, so I used to stand on a kitchen chair when I yelled. Like they were going to listen any better since I was "artificially" taller.

I'm a big believer in letting them suffer consequences - especially legal ones. Somehow judges and police could get them to see reality, when their mother couldn't. And could enforce stiffer consequences. Which ultimately saved their lives and got them to recovery.

I can laugh now - but it was not funny at the time. Finally, I had just had enough. And that's when my codie recovery really started. I just couldn't stand the emotional pain - and the rage.

Vent away - that's how I got through those chaotic times - and still do today. Thank heavens for dear women friends in recovery.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

grateful2b

Please don't be too hard on yourself...we've all been there...and today you are wiser for it and the real 'Tough Love' can begin..

krhea75

I wish I could say those things to my son. It is the unvarnished truth. Harsh but real. It's not your fault. Okay, I'm talking to myself.
krhea

littlebird77

I just want to send my prayers out. I am so sorry you have to go through this... You must feel so upset.

bigsister1982

I hope your title refers to your AS, not yourself. You're not a fool - AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. People who are using have a horrible way of being too stupid to get away with anything, but smart enough to know how to make you feel like things are always your fault.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

caileesnana

:codiepolice

days like this make it easier to do, and hopefully they will reach their 'bottom' soon.

I too filed charges on my daughter, twice, and will do it again!

I'm sorry you are hurting,
susan

katie44

Has anyone else said those horrible things? The thing is I am so angry right now that I feel those things. What sent me over the edge was to justify his thieving ( that I owe it to him) I know inside it is the drug that makes him behave like this, but Im just so tired of it. I truly can not cope with his problems any longer.

Jody Hepler

I think that's called "letting go".

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

bigsister1982

katie44, you are not the only person who has heard these things - they are WAY too familiar to me, and a lot of other people here. I've heard:

'if you cared about me, you would have tried to help me 3 years ago when i started using'

'if you don't give me XX, i will do YY to myself, and it will be your fault'

'give me the rest of my medicine or i will call the police on you!'

And there's always "i thought it was mine" when getting caught for stealing something. Plus lots of other things so hurtful I can't even let them enter my mind right now.

Please don't think you're alone. I felt so isolated from my friends and I wished that I could just be normal. However when you come here - you'll realize that you're just as normal as everyone else, and you will have all the friendship & support that you will ever need.

rayofsunshine

(((HUGS))) Unfortunately, If he gets away with this last batch of forged checks with no legal consequences, it's probably going to happen again. When in active addiction, theres no reasoning with them in a logical manner. Your son is deep down inside, but right now the addict rules. Everyone deserves a chance when they are seeking recovery, and you did what any loving mother would do, trying to help. Don't be hard on yourself. Most of us here have learned those lessons the hard way. Throwing him out is practicing "tough love". You love him enough to let him learn this life lessons on his own.

marle

Katie, I have said those things to my daughter and a whole lot worse. You need to detach and if it be in anger that is okay. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. He is your son and when it comes to motherly love, we sometimes need to be hit over the head repeatedly to get the message. You want him clean, you want him to have a good life. The thing that you have to remember is that addiction makes him a totally different person and the things that we do for our normal children we can't do with our addicts. Print out the stickie "What Addicts Do" and tape it in places where you will read it daily. Then remember your son is not doing this to hurt you, he is doing it to feed the monster that is called Addiction. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

It's funny how we are so often the ones who feel badly for what we have said and the addict has absolutely no remorse for their crimes. Well actually, it's not so funny, but you know what I mean.

So many of us understand the heartbreak you are going through. It can either beat you down or give you focus. My guess is you are now done with this ....the straw that broke the camel's back.

krhea75

These addicts are so full of lies! I found an empty beer bottle by my son's head one morning when I went in to wake him up. He said he needed it near by in case a burglar broke in! Even I didn't believe that one, and I'm pretty gullible. Pretty much, if they're using they're lying. It is an illness. I think it was very brave of you to say what you said. We are taught to always be nice and kind, but this is not a situation that is normal. It is a loving mother dealing with an addict. It can't get much harder than this.
krhea

beegee

Yes, yes I have said horrible things to my AD I mean what is worse then finding out your very own flesh and blood has stolen from you. OMG it is like the worst hurt when your kid hurts you. Then they are so sorry like they really understand but how do you pay the bills? Heck they are stealing again and I haven't got the money to pay the first bills. They say mean things too and do worse, it doesn't make us feel better but sometimes we just have had it too. We are human (((hugs)))) and prayers for you and son.

Impurrfect

(((Katie)))

Yes, I have had things like that said to me when I was active. Look at me now! I've also SAID those things to my XABF, who is still using. He tries to play the pitiful "I'm an addict...that's what I do" in my face, and I just tell him "and I'm a RECOVERING addict, and won't tolerate it...end of discussion"...which is probably why I haven't heard from him in a year and that's fine with me.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You have every right to be angry and to tell him how you feel. As far as the codie-slip? We've all done it...my XABF stole from me numerous times...until I finally had enough.

Press charges, let him deal with the consequences. My consequences got me where I am today...a very grateful recovering addict.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

Ah Katie...
Sure I've said things I'm not proud of, but then again, my AS has done things he wouldn't be proud of if he was sober, either!
And my son has also had that "we owe him" attitude...like I birthed him, so therefore I get to support him the rest of his life. This bank is long closed.

Sometimes we just lose it, and that's okay. really it is.
And I think by letting him know exactly how you feel, you were actually doing him a favor.
Now stay strong, and attend meetings and don't let yourself have one of those "feeling sorry" for him moments.


Hugs...

greeteachday

Katie, I'm so sorry this happened and please don't beat yourself up about it. We talk about detaching with love, but I have found many people with good solid recovery had to detach in anger first to free themselves from the pain, before they could feel the love and compassion again. Just my opinion, but I think the anger is better for both of you than to continue to give him a soft landing. Please don't let feelings of guilt for what you said open a door to letting him manipulate you again. Your feelings are valid and sometimes when all is pent up due to the stress and anxiety that is so much a part of having addiciton in our lives, it is just human to blow. Of course he is going to make excuses and blame it on you - the disease is in control and acknowledging what he did wrong would mean moving from denial. In time he will get to that point...just keep taking care of you. Hugs

patchoulli

I know Ive done it myself...We acknowledge, try not to do it again, make amends at the proper time, and let it go...Bless you

ladyamalthea

Did you call the police? Someone above me said that if he does not get in trouble for this, it will happen again; this is absolutely true, not to mention that your bank will probably not give you back your money without a police report.

His little tale about you not paying him would not hold up in court, especially since he has done this before.

As far as the things you said to him, he probably needed to hear it. Please don't let yourself feel bad about it; he earned every one of those remarks.