Dating an alcoholic - HELP
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Dating an alcoholic - HELP
I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I've been dating a guy for 2 months, things have moved rather quickly and I've begun moving in with him. Problem is, he has a huge drinking problem. When we met (online) he had painted a picture of a man who was trying to pick up the pieces in his life and start over. Which is true, he's trying. But his inner demons pretty much win everytime he gets a craving for a drink. We've gone through the "dumping of the beer" and vowing to "really try this time". I've endured being resented because when I'm around he knows drinking isn't an option. But now I feel like I've become a babysitter. I'm afraid to get a part time job at night, I'm afraid to go on vacations and I'm afraid to leave him alone. It's already been proven that the second he has time without me, he goes to the bar and gets a few six packs.
Another problem is his family. His grandmother drinks like a fish and his mother keeps trying to force moderation on him. She thinks he should drink, just responsibly. An alcoholic, especially him, can't drink in moderation - can they? Because once he has one drink, he wants more. He wants the buzz, he wants to feel happy. Then once he gets the buzz, he wants the whole drunk experience. But then wakes up hung over and upset that he drank. But he says that it's worth it because it makes the time pass by quicker until he's off probation. He had a DUI last year when he drove drunk and he no longer has a car. He has his license and he rides his bike since he lives and works in the same town. He has to see a counselor every week and has a urine test every two weeks with his parole officer (he's had some other problems in the past as well and is on probation for a more serious issue from 2 years ago). Either way, all the monitoring will end next May/June of 2009. But until then he feels trapped with no car, he can't do anything he wants to do and he lies to his counselor because if he told her that he drinks she'd tell his parole officer and he could be put in jail. So he drinks, seeks no help (AA or counseling) and just uses it as a way to get through until he's off probation and can do what he wants.
But through all this I've tried and tried to be there for him. Days that he drinks he's funny and... alive. When he's gone a few days (today is day 4) he's unbearable. He says mean things, ignores me, acts like I'm not even here and has gone so far to say that he wishes I'd stay at my place so he could go get beer and just drink himself happy.
What do I do? I want to help him get through this. He can't be honest with his counselor, his family doesn't understand and none of his friends care. I feel like I'm the only one who does care and I don't want to give up on him.
I just need some advice with coping. I want to stay with him and help him through this. People make mistakes and get themselves into ruts, but they need a support system to get through it. I want to be that support system.
Any help, words, advice is appreciated.
~ Nikki
Another problem is his family. His grandmother drinks like a fish and his mother keeps trying to force moderation on him. She thinks he should drink, just responsibly. An alcoholic, especially him, can't drink in moderation - can they? Because once he has one drink, he wants more. He wants the buzz, he wants to feel happy. Then once he gets the buzz, he wants the whole drunk experience. But then wakes up hung over and upset that he drank. But he says that it's worth it because it makes the time pass by quicker until he's off probation. He had a DUI last year when he drove drunk and he no longer has a car. He has his license and he rides his bike since he lives and works in the same town. He has to see a counselor every week and has a urine test every two weeks with his parole officer (he's had some other problems in the past as well and is on probation for a more serious issue from 2 years ago). Either way, all the monitoring will end next May/June of 2009. But until then he feels trapped with no car, he can't do anything he wants to do and he lies to his counselor because if he told her that he drinks she'd tell his parole officer and he could be put in jail. So he drinks, seeks no help (AA or counseling) and just uses it as a way to get through until he's off probation and can do what he wants.
But through all this I've tried and tried to be there for him. Days that he drinks he's funny and... alive. When he's gone a few days (today is day 4) he's unbearable. He says mean things, ignores me, acts like I'm not even here and has gone so far to say that he wishes I'd stay at my place so he could go get beer and just drink himself happy.
What do I do? I want to help him get through this. He can't be honest with his counselor, his family doesn't understand and none of his friends care. I feel like I'm the only one who does care and I don't want to give up on him.
I just need some advice with coping. I want to stay with him and help him through this. People make mistakes and get themselves into ruts, but they need a support system to get through it. I want to be that support system.
Any help, words, advice is appreciated.
~ Nikki
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
You can't help him thru this. Really. Only he can do it for himself. He is the only one who can choose to deal with his alcoholism. You cannot really be his support system. What he needs beyond a strong desire to quit drinking is a recovery program such as AA or one of the others.
If I were you I would rethink moving in with him, at least until he has truly embraced sobriety and is actively working on his recovery. Otherwise, you can look forward to more of the same.
Why do you think you deserve to be treated with such disrespect? I mean what makes it ok with you for him to disappear for days on end and abuse you? Is that what you want in your lfie? Unless he gets sober, you can look forward to more of the sem you know.
You can't help him thru this. Really. Only he can do it for himself. He is the only one who can choose to deal with his alcoholism. You cannot really be his support system. What he needs beyond a strong desire to quit drinking is a recovery program such as AA or one of the others.
If I were you I would rethink moving in with him, at least until he has truly embraced sobriety and is actively working on his recovery. Otherwise, you can look forward to more of the same.
Why do you think you deserve to be treated with such disrespect? I mean what makes it ok with you for him to disappear for days on end and abuse you? Is that what you want in your lfie? Unless he gets sober, you can look forward to more of the sem you know.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
My gut reaction to this, sorry if this is harsh, is just get out now. You've only got two months invested in this relationship...
This is coming from a guy (me) who has never been on the receiving end of an alcoholic relationship. I was the giver.
I don't have any experience with coping as you say. Like I said, I was the giver, not the receiver.
Anyway, that's the only thought I have. Get out. You're probably in for a really rough ride if you try to stick it out. Again, sorry for being so pessimistic. But that's all I think about when reading your post - RUN!
This is coming from a guy (me) who has never been on the receiving end of an alcoholic relationship. I was the giver.
I don't have any experience with coping as you say. Like I said, I was the giver, not the receiver.
Anyway, that's the only thought I have. Get out. You're probably in for a really rough ride if you try to stick it out. Again, sorry for being so pessimistic. But that's all I think about when reading your post - RUN!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: ephrata, pa
Posts: 28
I don't understand why I can't be part of it? I don't feel like the disrespect comes from HIM it comes from his disease. On our good days he treats me better than I've ever been treated. His family loves me and I love them. We have plans for a vacation in September and then all the holidays this fall and winter - there's just so much to look forward to. He doesn't disappear or anything, we're always together when we aren't working. And I know until he gets sober that this will keep happening. I just want to know how to cope with it.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I took you comment about him having been gone for 4 days to mean he disappered. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
You can be part of his recovery IF he gets into it. You cannot make him do so though. From what you said he knows he is an alcoholic but is choosing not to do anything with that self knowledge. His choice. You cannot make his want to deal with it. Only he can do that. One of the important things to learn when dealing with another person's alcoholism is the 3 Cs: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Only the alcoholic can do that if they choose to do so.
The way to cope with it is to not let it control your life in anyway and to not enable his behavior.
You might want to go read this thread on the potential of the As in our lives.
You can be part of his recovery IF he gets into it. You cannot make him do so though. From what you said he knows he is an alcoholic but is choosing not to do anything with that self knowledge. His choice. You cannot make his want to deal with it. Only he can do that. One of the important things to learn when dealing with another person's alcoholism is the 3 Cs: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Only the alcoholic can do that if they choose to do so.
The way to cope with it is to not let it control your life in anyway and to not enable his behavior.
You might want to go read this thread on the potential of the As in our lives.
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Oh, I'm sorry. I meant when he's gone without drinking for a few days (we're on day 4) he gets pissy and angry and fidgety. He says it's like he's being pulled in two directions. One wants to stay home and be sober, the other just wants to drink.
I read that post that you suggested. I do that alot. I say - once he's better things will be great. Right now it's rocky, but he has such potential.
I know I should leave. I just can't imagine life without him now that I've met him.
:o(
I read that post that you suggested. I do that alot. I say - once he's better things will be great. Right now it's rocky, but he has such potential.
I know I should leave. I just can't imagine life without him now that I've met him.
:o(
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Originally Posted by aprylfool 
I don't understand why I can't be part of it?
I know this is going to sound harsh, also, but my suggestion would be to find a counselor for yourself and figure out why you feel you are not worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy adult. Just curious, are you by any chance a child of alcoholic(s)?
L
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by aprylfool
Oh, I'm sorry. I meant when he's gone without drinking for a few days (we're on day 4) he gets pissy and angry and fidgety. He says it's like he's being pulled in two directions. One wants to stay home and be sober, the other just wants to drink.
Think of it this way. At the beginning of most relationships, both people are on their best behavior working at convincing the other that they want to be in the relationship. The real people tend not to come out for X period of time. You are in the so call honeymoon period where everyone is high on emotion and blind to the red flags that might be out there.
So if this is him at his best, is that what you want going forward? Don't assume he will ever change. Deal with what is rather than the what ifs or your dreams or his potential. Is who he is now someone you want to build a relationship with? If it is, well learn everything you can about dealing with alcoholics and how to develop strong coping skills because you are going to need them
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Nikki,
I want to share with you my story. Not saying that it will be yours but as a light on what is out there.
My AH and I were dating for about 4 weeks when he first started talking about us moving in together, getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. When he was sober, we had a great time. Even when he drank (which I never saw the full picture) he was still sweet and treated me wonderfully.
He told me about his past drinking habits, getting loaded every night of the week, dragging himself into work at 10 am (2 hours late) because he felt so awful, the DUI he got withheld, and various other things. He also told me how those days were behind him, how he was going to clean it up now that he had me. It was intoxicating for me, to know that I could have such a positive effect on someone else, that I could "be there" for him to support him through this.
We've been married for just over a year now, and he's still drinking daily. Some days its just enough to get the buzzed feeling, but the weekends are full drunks (Fri through Sun). He has told me that he wants to change, that this isn't a life he wants, but his actions put the lie to the words. Now he claims that if we have kids he'll change. But I've learned my lesson the hard way. He'll only change if he chooses to, not because of some outside event. And I'm left with the understanding that I come in a far distant third to the mistress that comes in a can.
Although I still see this as being something that has brought valuable lessons into my life, the pain has been pretty intense. If you can learn the lessons without going through this, I hope you choose to do it. You are a human being worthy of being treated with respect and courtesy at all times, not just when your partner is in the mood. His behaviors today are his behaviors tomorrow. I know, I learned the hard way.
It may be possible for you to be there for him, to support him, as a friend. But truly look at what you are getting: someone who lies to get what he wants and treats you with little or no respect unless he's out of his rational mind. Ask yourself if you want that in a partner.
I found that I have learned more about me and my behaviors as I've gone through this journey than I thought possible, but again I'm hardheaded and sometimes have to be taught the hard way.
Try AlAnon for help in coping with this disease. It's been good for me.
I want to share with you my story. Not saying that it will be yours but as a light on what is out there.
My AH and I were dating for about 4 weeks when he first started talking about us moving in together, getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. When he was sober, we had a great time. Even when he drank (which I never saw the full picture) he was still sweet and treated me wonderfully.
He told me about his past drinking habits, getting loaded every night of the week, dragging himself into work at 10 am (2 hours late) because he felt so awful, the DUI he got withheld, and various other things. He also told me how those days were behind him, how he was going to clean it up now that he had me. It was intoxicating for me, to know that I could have such a positive effect on someone else, that I could "be there" for him to support him through this.
We've been married for just over a year now, and he's still drinking daily. Some days its just enough to get the buzzed feeling, but the weekends are full drunks (Fri through Sun). He has told me that he wants to change, that this isn't a life he wants, but his actions put the lie to the words. Now he claims that if we have kids he'll change. But I've learned my lesson the hard way. He'll only change if he chooses to, not because of some outside event. And I'm left with the understanding that I come in a far distant third to the mistress that comes in a can.
Although I still see this as being something that has brought valuable lessons into my life, the pain has been pretty intense. If you can learn the lessons without going through this, I hope you choose to do it. You are a human being worthy of being treated with respect and courtesy at all times, not just when your partner is in the mood. His behaviors today are his behaviors tomorrow. I know, I learned the hard way.
It may be possible for you to be there for him, to support him, as a friend. But truly look at what you are getting: someone who lies to get what he wants and treats you with little or no respect unless he's out of his rational mind. Ask yourself if you want that in a partner.
I found that I have learned more about me and my behaviors as I've gone through this journey than I thought possible, but again I'm hardheaded and sometimes have to be taught the hard way.
Try AlAnon for help in coping with this disease. It's been good for me.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I know this is going to sound harsh, also, but my suggestion would be to find a counselor for yourself and figure out why you feel you are not worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy adult. Just curious, are you by any chance a child of alcoholic(s)?
L
L
It's one thing to tell me that I'm stupid for wanting to be in a relationship like this, but it's quite another for me to pick up and walk away from it. Maybe 2 months is a short time to become so attached, but I am. Walking away isn't really what I want to do.
I'm actually trying to figure out why everyone seems so quick to tell me to leave. Since when is it okay to abandon someone when what they need is someone not to give up on them?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by aprylfool
I'm actually trying to figure out why everyone seems so quick to tell me to leave. Since when is it okay to abandon someone when what they need is someone not to give up on them?
Turn your question around a bit. Why would someone tell you to stay with a man your barely know, who is already abusing you, and our experiences tell us can only cause you pain unless he decides to embrace sobriety, something he is not willing to do at this point in time and may never do?
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Originally Posted by minnelson6200
But truly look at what you are getting: someone who lies to get what he wants and treats you with little or no respect unless he's out of his rational mind. Ask yourself if you want that in a partner.
I found that I have learned more about me and my behaviors as I've gone through this journey than I thought possible, but again I'm hardheaded and sometimes have to be taught the hard way.
Try AlAnon for help in coping with this disease. It's been good for me.
I found that I have learned more about me and my behaviors as I've gone through this journey than I thought possible, but again I'm hardheaded and sometimes have to be taught the hard way.
Try AlAnon for help in coping with this disease. It's been good for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel like you're who I'll be in a year. Because just as he might never stop drinking, I don't think I'll ever be able to leave.
And what you said is true. He lies and bargains to get alcohol. Like this past 4th of July weekend. It was Friday and we had planned an alcohol-free weekend watching his parent's house. He was depressed and cranky and just laid on the couch. He was upset that he couldn't celebrate like he had always done year after year - which is drink and party and set off fireworks. I made it clear that stupid parties at his parents house is disrespectful and he was fine with that and actually agreed. Fireworks were taken out of the equation as well. But, as always, he started talking about getting beer. Said that if we could just have fun for the weekend that'd be the last time he'd drink. He ended up getting 2 cases of beer. Drank them all between Friday and Sunday. Then Sunday came and we got back to our place and decided to make a nice dinner and rearrange the living room. The night was going great. Then he says... it'd be fun to be buzzed while we rearrange, lets have a good time with it. I was like "why can't a nice dinner at home and rearranging be enough?". And his logic was, it was still technically the weekend and Monday he wasn't going to drink anymore. So he walked down to the bar and got two 6 packs. Drank 9 of them, I dumped the other 3 after he started acting like an *******.
Next day we woke up, he was in a really good mood. Was looking forward to not drinking. We went to his parents house that night and had dinner. He was fine. His mom even joked that if he and I stayed together then she'd like to give her house to us when his parents decided to retire somewhere else. We were really really happy that night.
Then Wednesday came and he started getting cranky. Not too bad, but you could tell the withdrawal was getting to him. Last night was terrible. We got home at 8pm, he from work - me from my place picking up more of my stuff. He never once hugged me or kissed me. He didn't do the dishes (he's a neat freak and ALWAYS keeps things clean), but he left them in the sink. He had said earlier in the day he wanted to cook dinner... he didn't. I ended up doing the dishes. We usually take a 4--5 mile walk each night, he didn't want to walk. Then I finally got him to open up and talk and he started talking about how he was feeling and that he wished he could just turn off the cravings. Then he got quiet. He'd lay on the futon, then go to the bedroom. Then he'd get on the computer and watch documentaries or anything to occupy his mind. Then he said he wanted to go for a walk by himself (it was midnight and the Rawhide bar is open till 2 and he can carry beer out there). I told him that I knew where he'd go if he did and that wasn't going to help him.
He ended up making some rude comments at me because I was sitting in the living room to basically be a barrier between him and the outside world. And I said I was leaving.
The second I started to get my stuff his mood switched. He cried and hugged me and apologized and said he hoped to god I understood and would forgive him. That he loves me and he wants a life with me.
And I stayed. But all day today I've just been torn. I know, especially from what everyone is saying on here, that I probably should leave - but I can't. I don't know how to walk away from people I love. I just don't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Do you love him as he is or your fantasy? Do you love being treated badly?
Perhaps its time to take a look inside your head and figure out why you think your deserve to be treated badly by those you "love?"
Perhaps its time to take a look inside your head and figure out why you think your deserve to be treated badly by those you "love?"
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
aprylfool first let me say WELCOME to SR. There is great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) here.
Now I will put on my Sober alcoholic Hat. YOU CAN'T HELP HIM. You are becoming his current CRUTCH and he will use you, he will abuse you, he will steal from you, and he will be beat you down, if not physically, emotionally. WHY? Because that is what practicing alcoholics do. Oh and we manipulate and connive. We say we want to quit, but until we DO IT FOR OURSELVES nothing is going to change.
This is some of the MANIPULATION I just mentioned.
Now I will put on my Long Time In Recovery Codie Hat. RUN. Alkies DON'T NEED someone not to give up on them. Alkies need to reach THEIR OWN BOTTOM. When they get sick and tired of being sick and tired they will do it FOR THEMSELVES. And, unfortunately some never do.
I was 33 1/2 years old when my folks finally said NO MORE. If I came to the door it was closed in my face, if I called on the phone (no caller ID back then) they hung up on me. It took me another 2 1/2 years and the last 1 1/2 I was living on the streets of Hollyweird. I was 3 week shy of my 36th birthday when I finally said enough. That was a little over 27 years ago now.
On my 3rd Anniversary of sobriety my AA Sponsor STRONGLY suggested that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. I did as suggested, albeit kicking and screaming, but I went. It was THE BEST THING (next to getting sober) I ever did for ME.
Please, I would suggest you find some Alanon meetings and start attending for YOU.
As you have said that your father was/is an alcoholic, even though sober, counseling and Alanon will help you tremendously to improve your own self worth and find a HEALTHY ADULT relationship.
I know I sound harsh, but you only have 2 months invested. Get out now!! You don't want to be there 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now, with children, still TRYING TO HELP.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Now I will put on my Sober alcoholic Hat. YOU CAN'T HELP HIM. You are becoming his current CRUTCH and he will use you, he will abuse you, he will steal from you, and he will be beat you down, if not physically, emotionally. WHY? Because that is what practicing alcoholics do. Oh and we manipulate and connive. We say we want to quit, but until we DO IT FOR OURSELVES nothing is going to change.
The second I started to get my stuff his mood switched. He cried and hugged me and apologized and said he hoped to god I understood and would forgive him. That he loves me and he wants a life with me.
And I stayed. But all day today I've just been torn. I know, especially from what everyone is saying on here, that I probably should leave - but I can't. I don't know how to walk away from people I love. I just don't.
And I stayed. But all day today I've just been torn. I know, especially from what everyone is saying on here, that I probably should leave - but I can't. I don't know how to walk away from people I love. I just don't.
Now I will put on my Long Time In Recovery Codie Hat. RUN. Alkies DON'T NEED someone not to give up on them. Alkies need to reach THEIR OWN BOTTOM. When they get sick and tired of being sick and tired they will do it FOR THEMSELVES. And, unfortunately some never do.
I was 33 1/2 years old when my folks finally said NO MORE. If I came to the door it was closed in my face, if I called on the phone (no caller ID back then) they hung up on me. It took me another 2 1/2 years and the last 1 1/2 I was living on the streets of Hollyweird. I was 3 week shy of my 36th birthday when I finally said enough. That was a little over 27 years ago now.
On my 3rd Anniversary of sobriety my AA Sponsor STRONGLY suggested that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. I did as suggested, albeit kicking and screaming, but I went. It was THE BEST THING (next to getting sober) I ever did for ME.
Please, I would suggest you find some Alanon meetings and start attending for YOU.
but my suggestion would be to find a counselor for yourself and figure out why you feel you are not worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy adult. Just curious, are you by any chance a child of alcoholic(s)?
I know I sound harsh, but you only have 2 months invested. Get out now!! You don't want to be there 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now, with children, still TRYING TO HELP.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Apryl-
Welcome!!
I'm actually trying to figure out why everyone seems so quick to tell me to leave. Since when is it okay to abandon someone when what they need is someone not to give up on them?
I don't believe anyone here has told you to "abandon someone when they need someone not to give up on them."
People on this forum have pretty much seen it all. Once you learn about the fairly common trajectory of alcoholism you may begin to see the wisdom in walking away. It is not abandoning him!
If a person doesn't accept your help and is not changing (and don't fall for "making an effort to change" - an alcoholic will do this for years and keep drinking) I'm saying the person IS NOT changing for the better or dealing with their health/addiction, and YOU feel like this is not the way you want to live (because face it, a "healthy" fulfilling relationship with an alcoholic?? I haven't seen one yet!!!) then you may be saving the only person you can save in this situation: YOU.
You should also read up about enabling. If your staying with him makes him feel like he is "not that bad" and if you're paying for things, or doing things for him that any adult can, and should, be able to do for themslves then you are enabling his drinking problem and you may just love him to death.
It's important that you stay in reality and recognize what you're really dealing with. Read the stickies at the top of the forum page. You're not stupid - you're in love - we've all been there - keep reading-- even parents have had to learn how to let go with love. It is not abandoning them. It may save their life. It will certainly save yours.
Peace-
B.
Welcome!!
I'm actually trying to figure out why everyone seems so quick to tell me to leave. Since when is it okay to abandon someone when what they need is someone not to give up on them?
I don't believe anyone here has told you to "abandon someone when they need someone not to give up on them."
People on this forum have pretty much seen it all. Once you learn about the fairly common trajectory of alcoholism you may begin to see the wisdom in walking away. It is not abandoning him!
If a person doesn't accept your help and is not changing (and don't fall for "making an effort to change" - an alcoholic will do this for years and keep drinking) I'm saying the person IS NOT changing for the better or dealing with their health/addiction, and YOU feel like this is not the way you want to live (because face it, a "healthy" fulfilling relationship with an alcoholic?? I haven't seen one yet!!!) then you may be saving the only person you can save in this situation: YOU.
You should also read up about enabling. If your staying with him makes him feel like he is "not that bad" and if you're paying for things, or doing things for him that any adult can, and should, be able to do for themslves then you are enabling his drinking problem and you may just love him to death.
It's important that you stay in reality and recognize what you're really dealing with. Read the stickies at the top of the forum page. You're not stupid - you're in love - we've all been there - keep reading-- even parents have had to learn how to let go with love. It is not abandoning them. It may save their life. It will certainly save yours.
Peace-
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: ephrata, pa
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Barbara52
Do you love him as he is or your fantasy? Do you love being treated badly?
Perhaps its time to take a look inside your head and figure out why you think your deserve to be treated badly by those you "love?"
Perhaps its time to take a look inside your head and figure out why you think your deserve to be treated badly by those you "love?"
When he treats me badly, it's the disease - the alcohol. Not him.
Am I wrong?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by aprylfool
I love him as he is. Faults and all. I have no idealistic picture in my mind of who I've diluted myself into thinking that he is. I know who and what he is; and love him.
When he treats me badly, it's the disease - the alcohol. Not him.
Am I wrong?
When he treats me badly, it's the disease - the alcohol. Not him.
Am I wrong?
The disease does not open his mouth and cause hateful words to spew at you. The disease does not force him to ignore your needs and wants. He chooses to do those things. Yes, he is an alcoholic but bad behavior is bad behavior. Would you accept his excuses if he beat you, saying oh well, it really the disease that put these bruises all over my face and broke my arm?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I would never dare to tell someone else they have to get out of a relationship. I don't want that sort of control over anyone. I don't have all the facts. But I will point out what makes no sense to me, share my experience, and suggest you act from a position of self honesty and knowledge about what you are getting yourself into. It's your life and only you can know what is right for you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
So this is pretty much a "if you love him and, more importantly, if you love yourself - you'll get out now" kind of scenario. Correct?
Now why would anyone stay?
Love and hugs,
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