frankly

Yea, I'm upset, more so than I should be. I think it's a cummulative affect of a whole lot of stress. Between the babies, Jerry's illness, money, and my own struggles with life, I just can't seem to breathe.

Co-Dependancy still has a hold on me, it's not just a part of life with an addict, it's a part of everything about my life. The addict is gone, now to apply what I have learned to the other parts.

I went from a full house to an empty house to a full house again with two new babies, I've grown so attached to them (the babies) but things haven't gone as I wanted or planned. My oldest son, his fiancee and their four month old daughter is moving out today. They are moving back to Florida. I would be real happy if they were just moving out, but I can't afford to support them any more so I had to cut that apron string, and they are going to be gone in just a few hours.

Tony (my son) was the only one physically able to help me with all the repairs around here, and as I walked through my house this morning, I couldn't stand to even look around because so much needs to be done and I know I can't do it by myself. He's taking my first grandbaby back to Florida.

I'm just so upset right now. I know I shouldn't be this upset. What he is doing is a good thing, he's thinking of his family, following his own dream, taking his own responibilities into his own hands, living his own life as best he can, and I'm sitting here just devestated.

Why would such good news hurt me so bad? Because I'm co-dependent. I need to be needed. I've had this overpowering desire to just hold everyone I love so close to me, like somehow I can protect them, make sure they never go through what I've gone through, and I can't do it, I have no control over anything but myself.

So today, I'm cutting the apron strings again, trying my best to let go, and it hurts.

Co-Dependancy is something that doesn't just go away with your addict, it is something that I have to work on every day of my life, one day at a time.

I love you guys, thank you for just listening.
B

Ann

Awww, big hugs to you, Frankly, I would be sad too. Give yourself a few days to find your peace again, make a list of things you need to have done and figure out how the things you cannot do will get done (I`ll bet you find a way), and just know that distance doesn`t change our hearts.

Those apron strings never did hold anyone in, it is the heart strings that keeps us connected, no matter what.

Sending a big hug and a chocolate mocha cheesecake...that always helps!!

:ghug3

caileesnana

There's nothing like the grandkids, huh?? You are sad but you know in your heart he is doing right. After all the time, stress, worry, attachment you want the baby to be near you, that's normal I think. As long as we are doing the next right thing it will work out, it is not up to us!!!

I understand how you feel. Breathe, take a long hot bath and relax. It will be OK!
susan

grateful2b

Hi Frankly, I am feeling you...I just came out of a difficult codie period, similar, because of the cumulative effect of the last few months of challenges complicated by BP2 and PTSD...I don't know when my AD's bottom will come but I recognize mine when I see it...tough love I can do but the sadness is something I have to allow myself to feel....and you are so right , it is one day at a time..I know I am a flaming recovering codie ...but it is still amazing to me when my codependency can lay me so bare and raw..
and I realize the guilt I feel coming here everyday and wanting to reach out more but just not being up to it, ...is part of my codieness...
Frankly, I am sorry you are hurting... but I think it is natural to feel the loss of your granbabies, codie or not....give yourself some time.....hope you feel a bit better soon.:ghug3...hang in there sister, Grateful

marle

I understand the feelings of wanting to be needed. And I understand the fear of letting them go. Sending you hugs and prayers. Marle

krhea75

Codependency can rear its ugly head at any time. It hurts us and it hurts the ones we are trying to control. the funny thing is that it masks itself with love instead of hate, so it seems to be a good thing.. I am having a similar struggle. hang in there.
krhea

beegee

Well it is good news that they are getting on with their life. What mom wouldn't be sad knowing her son and family are moving far away? Yes now it will seem awfully quiet with no one there and you have to think about going for a visit! It won't be long and you can go down to Fl and help them and see your grand babies.
I know this isn't easy but you have to look for the good in this. Have you ever thought about renting a room out, but you need to be very careful. Just a thought. ((hugs))

greeteachday

Wow, I love this...thanks Ann!

((((Frankly)))) I want to just wrap you up in a big old hug and be my codependent self and tell you it will all be okay! So know, you are not alone, my friend!

As sad as this feels, I am so happy for Tony and his family that they are pursuing dreams and that you are being strong and brave and letting them do it. Florida isn't the end of the earth and I know you have seen how HP can work things just the way they need to be worked to help us along the journey. What a wonderful, loving woman you are to be there for your kids and support them in their journey.

I understand your feelings of being overwelmed with all that needs to be done. My projects still are not done to finish my downstairs, so much is in disarray, and on weekends I sometimes feel overwhelmed and as a result don't make any progress. I need to break it down into smaller steps...do a little then give myself permission to acknowledge that this is a babystep to what i would like to achieve. I know you are a resourceful and talented woman and I know that if you tackle things one at a time, weed out the wants from the has to be's, that you will do what feels right to restore order to your life. Somehow I suspect that order is emotional and spiritual, rather than the physical structure. That's something I am discovering and if I get myself spiritually balanced, the rest starts falling in place.

Much love and prayers for comfort and peace.

frankly

Yes Greet, you are so right. Things are working out the way they are supposed to. Not the way I wanted them to, but the way they are supposed to be. I hate people leaving, kinda got an irrational fear of that. Vicky is planning on getting her own apartment too. Something just clicked with her and the post pardom depression is gone, she now takes care of Jordan like a pro. She too, will be moving back to Florida when she knows she can support herself and Jordan.

The motel is 3/4 of the way done, I don't know what to do there any more. I had a dream and a plan, but this economy kinda stopped me in my tracks. That was supposed to be Tony and Nakia's home and job, so I feel like I let them down by not being able to finish it so they could stay. Nothing has worked out the way I had planned. I really have to learn to accept that my way isn't what is supposed to happen. I have a real hard time just sitting still and listening, I keep trying to find a loop hole that will allow things to go MY way. LOL

I guess it's time in my recovery to learn to be still and just listen, to ask for guidance and accept that guidance. I suspect that my HP is stepping in for my own benefit, just as he always has in the past.

Change is good, as long as I allow it to be.

B

Impurrfect

(((Frankly)))

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

patchoulli

Thank you for your post...I have to laugh at the fact that Im not the only one that tries to BOX WITH GOD....Im getting better at recognizing it tho...thanx for the post..

hope213

sending you a big hugs & lots of prayers. don't give up hope on your dreams. they can come true. i know you will miss thaty baby. they are a bundle of joy. hang in there. hugs,