Worry is a Choice
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Worry is a Choice
"I'm worried about this..." "I'm worried about that..." These are words I read often on this forum. Over the years, I became a master at using worry to avoid change. Worry kept me from living the life I wanted to live. It also kept me stuck in a miserable relationship. Some of my favorite excuses for not taking action and ending my relationship were:
Like a lot of people, I allowed worry to immobilize me. Then one day I realized that worry is a choice.
In his book, "The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker says:
Worry is the fear we manufacture—it is not authentic. If you choose to worry about something, have at it, but do so knowing it’s a choice. Most often, we worry because it provides some secondary reward. There are many variations, but a few of the most popular follow:
In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman concludes that worrying is a sort of “magical amulet” that some people feel wards off danger. They believe that worrying about something will stop it from happening. He also correctly notes that most of what people worry about has a low probability of occurring, because we tend to take action about those things we feel are likely to occur. This means that very often the mere fact that you are worrying about something is a predictor that it isn’t likely to happen!
The relationship between real fear and worry is analogous to the relationship between pain and suffering. Pain and fear are necessary and valuable components of life. Suffering and worry are destructive and unnecessary components of life. (Great humanitarians, remember, have worked to end suffering, not pain).
After decades of seeing worry in all its forms, I’ve concluded that it hurts people much more than it helps. It interrupts clear thinking, wastes time, and shortens life. When worrying, ask yourself, “How does this serve me?” and you may find that the cost of worrying is greater than the cost of changing.
- I’m worried I’ll be lonely.
- I’m worried I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
- I’m worried I’ll never find another partner.
- I’m worried I can’t manage the house on my own.
Like a lot of people, I allowed worry to immobilize me. Then one day I realized that worry is a choice.
In his book, "The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker says:
Worry is the fear we manufacture—it is not authentic. If you choose to worry about something, have at it, but do so knowing it’s a choice. Most often, we worry because it provides some secondary reward. There are many variations, but a few of the most popular follow:
- Worry is a way to avoid change; when we worry, we don’t do anything about the matter.
- Worry is a way to avoid admitting powerlessness over something, since worry feels like we’re doing something.
- Worry is a cloying way to have connection with others, the idea being that to worry about someone shows love. The other side of this is the belief that not worrying about someone means you don’t care about them. As many worried-about people will tell you, worry is a poor substitute for love or for taking loving action.
- Worry is a protection against future disappointment. After taking an important test, for example, a student might worry about whether he failed. If he can feel the experience of failure now, rehearse it, so to speak, by worrying about it, then failing won’t feel as bad when it happens. But there’s an interesting trade-off: Since he can’t do anything about it at this point anyway, would he rather spend two days worrying and then learn he failed, or spend those same two days not worrying, and then learn he failed? Perhaps most importantly, would he want to learn he had passed the test and spent two days of anxiety for nothing?
In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman concludes that worrying is a sort of “magical amulet” that some people feel wards off danger. They believe that worrying about something will stop it from happening. He also correctly notes that most of what people worry about has a low probability of occurring, because we tend to take action about those things we feel are likely to occur. This means that very often the mere fact that you are worrying about something is a predictor that it isn’t likely to happen!
The relationship between real fear and worry is analogous to the relationship between pain and suffering. Pain and fear are necessary and valuable components of life. Suffering and worry are destructive and unnecessary components of life. (Great humanitarians, remember, have worked to end suffering, not pain).
After decades of seeing worry in all its forms, I’ve concluded that it hurts people much more than it helps. It interrupts clear thinking, wastes time, and shortens life. When worrying, ask yourself, “How does this serve me?” and you may find that the cost of worrying is greater than the cost of changing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Great post, FD.
I like Eckhart Tolle's words. "Worry pretends to be necessary" and "it is much like complaining."
Also, the words I've read on this forum before--"pain is mandatory, suffering is optional."
L
I like Eckhart Tolle's words. "Worry pretends to be necessary" and "it is much like complaining."
Also, the words I've read on this forum before--"pain is mandatory, suffering is optional."
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
When I learned to let go of the habit of worrying about things, it got so much easy to make effective decisions. It took time to develop the habits but learning to analyze a problem, find the possible solutions, and picking a solution led to making decisions taking the actions I felt necessary and then waiting for the outcome without worrying about whether the outcome was exactly what I wanted or not. If it wasn't what I wanted, it was time to re-analyze and choose the next action. Or to chose not to act for that matter. At any rate, letting go of the worrying definitely led me to make better decisions since I was no longer obsessing about what ifs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 84
"It also kept me stuck in a miserable relationship. Some of my favorite excuses for not taking action and ending my relationship were:
I’m worried I’ll be lonely.
I’m worried I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
I’m worried I’ll never find another partner.
I’m worried I can’t manage the house on my own."
Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. I have a hard time with worry. I find, in my life, it is an addiction. If I happen to find I'm not worried about something, I feel something is wrong and will search for something to worry about. Funny thing, I always find something! I grew up in a house where my parents thought not to expect the worst in EVERY situation and then you won't be disappointed--many have grown up like this. I struggle to break this thinking in my life, and the worry that ensues.
I’m worried I’ll be lonely.
I’m worried I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
I’m worried I’ll never find another partner.
I’m worried I can’t manage the house on my own."
Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. I have a hard time with worry. I find, in my life, it is an addiction. If I happen to find I'm not worried about something, I feel something is wrong and will search for something to worry about. Funny thing, I always find something! I grew up in a house where my parents thought not to expect the worst in EVERY situation and then you won't be disappointed--many have grown up like this. I struggle to break this thinking in my life, and the worry that ensues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I learned the hard way that it did nothing but leave me exhausted and rob me of the present. When I worry, I am afraid of a thought. When I worry I am not having faith.
I've come a long way in this area but at times still struggle with worry in various aspects of my own thinking about myself and other people, places and things.
Most times the things I have worried about turned out to be unrealized, yet I hadn't the slightest inclination to project that the odds of something good coming to pass were actually much higher than the awful imagined thing.
I've come a long way in this area but at times still struggle with worry in various aspects of my own thinking about myself and other people, places and things.
Most times the things I have worried about turned out to be unrealized, yet I hadn't the slightest inclination to project that the odds of something good coming to pass were actually much higher than the awful imagined thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The other very important part in my being able to let go of worries was when I started living by belief and trust in God. I often repeat Proverbs 3:5-6 to myself just to remind myself that I can trust God to lead me where I need to go.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Very nice post. Thanks!
A few things I've heard in the rooms that go along with this:
If you're going to pray, why worry? and If you're going to worry, why pray?
I've lived through thousands of crises and catastrophes in my life...And a couple of them actually happened!
Worry does not rob tomorrow of its pain and sorrow; it only robs today of its pleasure and joy.
A few things I've heard in the rooms that go along with this:
If you're going to pray, why worry? and If you're going to worry, why pray?
I've lived through thousands of crises and catastrophes in my life...And a couple of them actually happened!
Worry does not rob tomorrow of its pain and sorrow; it only robs today of its pleasure and joy.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I've heard you speak about Eckhart Tolle's books several times on F&F, LTD, so I ordered copies of two of his books from my bookclub several weeks ago. Haven't received them yet, but can't wait to read them.
I missed Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" series on Oprah. I'm hoping to catch the series in late-night reruns.
I missed Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" series on Oprah. I'm hoping to catch the series in late-night reruns.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
I missed Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" series on Oprah. I'm hoping to catch the series in late-night reruns.
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Thanks for the info. I'm going to get busy and watch them. "Finding Your Way Home: A Soul Survival Kit" by Melody Beattie is next in my reading stack. It came highly recommended by my sister. Have you read it by any chance?
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